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Original poster

13weeks pregnant boyfriend won’t move in together

79 replies

maisiemoo26 · 16/12/2019 17:53

Hi bit of a background story,

We’ve been together 2 years, I have a 7 year old
From a previous relationship, we live 40 miles
Apart, he is refusing to move into a new place together because of having to get up earlier for work and travelling. I said for him to get a job down here and he won’t as he won’t get paid as much,

The reason I don’t want to move up to his way is because daughters settled in school, my mum is my childcare so that I can work and will be there to support me once baby is here, (he has no family support network)

Am I being unreasonable wanting to end the relationship as I’m not having a baby together and not living together if that makes sense?

Sorry for the long post but it’s constantly on my
Mind :(

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 19:01

he wants me to move up there and said I don’t need to work (his job pays well) but I do not want to have to “ask” for money, I like working and always have done.

Of course he does! It's what is easiest for him. He CBAd. NEVER EVER become financially dependent on an unmarried partner, especially as you already have a child to look after. He puts himself first. This doesn't bode well for a relationship. He wants a kid with none of the work.

Ginfordinner · 16/12/2019 22:03

NEVER EVER become financially dependent on an unmarried partner,

This ^^

Graphista · 17/12/2019 00:47

I don't even think he wants a kid I think he was glad of the excuse got unprotected sex!

You've been very foolish op, don't compound that foolishness by making you AND TWO children financially dependent on a flaky, irresponsible (he's just as responsible for agreeing to ttc while in a long distance relationship with no legal commitment - though it's much easier for him to escape his responsibilities) single man!

Get the wheels moving on cm for 2nd child ASAP - DON'T fall for "I'd never see you/the child without" or similar that's completely meaningless and it's already clear his word is worthless!

Cm is only backdated to date of first claim.

Check your finances and childcare (your mum helping is great but you need contingencies for if/when she can't do it), save now if you can, perhaps consider going back fairly soon after the birth, depending on your position in terms of maternity pay.

And @FruitcakeOfHate Is right - unless you're definitely post-menopausal or have had hysterectomy or similar you're still fertile! You may have REDUCED fertility (I do wish that both Drs would be much clearer with patients on this stuff AND that patients would LISTEN) for whatever reason - that doesn't mean it can't happen whenever!

I have endo which is also in my tubes yet 3 pregnancies all easily achieved - the first while correctly on contraception!

You've really done your older child a disservice here, please learn from this situation and use good contraception (preferably 2 kinds) in the future until/unless you have an ACTUAL commitment from the potential father - ideally marriage/civil partnership! Not from a moral/old fashioned perspective but because it's really the only legal commitment in a relationship there is!

Without it you're basically screwed!

Hope you have enough support and finances to manage as a single mum to 2 as that's what's looking most likely here.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester Families General pregnancy Relationship problems
Graphista · 17/12/2019 00:50

You know what - I bet if you call him tomorrow and said "ok we'll do it your way, I've handed in notice at work, given notice to landlord/am putting house up for sale and starting to pack. Me and dc 1 will be moving in with you in 30 days" he'd shit himself!

Might be worth a try - his reaction will tell you exactly what you need to know.

ShagMeRiggins · 17/12/2019 00:56

Graphista that’s true, but it’s game-playing. oP clearly isn’t prepared to do this.

His reaction might tell her what she needs to know, but so should a clear conversation.

I get your point, but OP doesn’t sound as though she’s looking for drama.

SeeingThePyramids · 17/12/2019 01:01

If you don’t end it then he will sooner rather than later. There is no mileage in this relationship and his actions AND words are making that clear.

Sorry op 💐

Graphista · 17/12/2019 18:33

It is game playing but if he's not being honest with op it's a way of finding out his real feelings/thoughts.

Op will know whether it's something she wants to try or not.

Softleftpowerstance · 17/12/2019 20:57

No we both really wanted a baby and we’re going to talk to a specialist about ovulation drugs.

If you’d made it to the specialist they wouldn’t have given you drugs. They’d have told you to try and conceive naturally for a year to see if there actually was a problem. Hmm

Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2019 21:26

100% do not move away from your support network. I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound committed to you. Maybe ask him how he's going to do his share of the childcare and night waking if he isn't living with you? I imagine he's planning on leaving the hard graft to you and popping by when it suits to do the nice bits. He's pathetic.

If you have the chance to get evidence about his income so you get the right amount of maintainance then take it!

Whattodoabout · 17/12/2019 21:31

I can understand both perspectives tbh. He doesn’t want to leave his job or drive 80 miles every day, that’s understandable to me. You don’t want to move because your DC is in a school there, you’re also unmarried and don’t drive so it would not only isolate you but would also be quite a dangerous thing to do. You would be putting yourself in a vulnerable position moving but he equally doesn’t want to leave his job.

You really shouldn’t have TTC before moving in together, such a bad idea. Most people TTC when all of this is already sorted and settled, you don’t even know whether you’ll get along living together. I’d be preparing to be a single Mum of two.

WyeWoman · 17/12/2019 21:35

Do NOT move for this man! NFW! Don't leave your family support network at all. Prepare to go it alone. He's not on board.

^This. With knobs on.

Bluerussian · 17/12/2019 21:42

FruitcakeOfHate Mon 16-Dec-19 18:23:19
Needing surgery on one of your tubes does not mean you will have problems conceiving. There are so many people on MN who 'the doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant' and they've been pregnant 2, 3+ times. Unless you have gone through menopause or are missing key organs and one or two extraordinarily rare disorders, the possibility of pregnancy is there if you don't use contraception.
..
This plus the fact that you are still young, time is on your side.

In your position I would not have the baby. You're already a single parent of one, I don't see the fun in doing the same again. Think about it. I imagine your mum has a few things to say, if you asked her.

Northernlurker · 17/12/2019 22:08

I agree with the previous posters. This is a bit of a mess now.

ims0rrydarlin · 17/12/2019 22:16

Planning a baby without any form of commitment from your partner, was a really stupid idea.

Cheeseboardcriminal · 17/12/2019 22:22

I wouldn't move in your shoes OP, stay where you are and tell him that it's over. He had no intention of becoming a family with you.

SweetPetrichor · 17/12/2019 22:28

Surely, if he can get a new job near you then you can also get a new job near him if you were to move so you could still work. A new school isn't the end of the world. Moving away from your family would be a pain but honestly, are you asking the exact same as him. For the reasons you don't want to move, he quite likely has the same ones (bar the school one). I think you're bolting the stable door after the horse has run...you should have been in a more stable position before you even considered trying for a child.

Bunnyfuller · 17/12/2019 22:32

First you said tubes, then you mention looking for help for ovulation- sorry, as someone who went through the years of testing and treatment for infertility your explanations are not making sense.

You had 1 baby at age 19, you’re now 26. In what way were you going to struggle getting pregnant? what happened to a tube in first pregnancy? I’m really struggling to think of any condition in a successful first baby which would damage a tube (apart from the Uber rare case where there’s one pregnancy in womb and one ectopic at the same time?)

Tubes and ovulation are entirely different problems. I think you’ve either tricked him into pregnancy assuming he would move in, or at best not protected yourself on some half-arsed assumption you’ve heard about by which you decided you ‘would have trouble conceiving’.

Babies do not make men stay with you. If the man’s not committed babies make you a single mother (now with 2 baby daddies, how sweet).

NotStayingIn · 17/12/2019 22:36

Sorry I’m completely confused here. You decided to start trying for a baby with some guy that has never even lived with you and your child?!?!

WTF? You do realise that is seriously weird don’t you? Also very weird of him. And yet no warning bells ringing? So... he is so committed to being a stepdad yet he didn’t want to bother trying to get a relationship going with her before the new arrival? Oh no sorry; ‘timings’, ‘moving in January’, bla the fucking bla.

What is wrong with you?

And yes: DON’T MOVE. Obviously.

AnotherEmma · 17/12/2019 22:37

Well he's going to be a shit father isn't he.
Clearly doesn't care enough about your DD's wellbeing, wants to uproot her and make you move away from her school and your family, just for his own convenience. Selfish arse.
Just end the relationship and make sure he pays child maintenance when the baby arrives.
Oh and give baby your surname not his.

Ginfordinner · 17/12/2019 23:00

I'm beginning to wonder if this situation is even true. No-one is that stupid, surely?

CalleighDoodle · 17/12/2019 23:05

Lots of people are this stupid. Lust stupid.

Op
How long have you been in a relationship with him?

CalleighDoodle · 17/12/2019 23:07

Sorry just seen two years

Lunde · 18/12/2019 14:40

Do nor give up your support network - DO NOT move in with him

Somanysocks · 18/12/2019 17:03

Why do women make such enormous avoidable problems for themselves. Do things in the logical order and you wouldn't be in this mess. He will do as he wants, but you have no option but to deal with the result.

Original poster
maisiemoo26 · 18/12/2019 17:44

@Bunnyfuller I have a hydrosplinx on one tube which I had loads of tests of due to pains ect, and was due surgery to remove said tube.

I also had extremely irregular periods hence they said I wasn’t ovulating and where going to give me chlomid after surgery to help me
Release eggs.

Why would anyone make it up Seriously.

OP posts: