DH and School Run, wwyd

[StarsShineBrightly]

DH does the school run. His work is closer to the school, mine is about half hour away so I leave before they do.

Found out that he's getting them to school consistently late and the teacher is getting annoyed and saying that it's interfering with getting set up for the day.

I knew they were late sometimes, but hadn't realised how late or that this was virtually every day.

Gates open at 8.30-8.50, they're there for 9ish. Bright spark at the school said they're not officially late until 9.15, so he doesn't see 9 as a problem or late and thinks that teacher is being ridiculous.

Relevant points.

Both kids probably have ADHD. One is medicated, the other is being assessed. They are easily distracted and unfocused in the morning so mornings are not easy in our house.

DH also has ADHD and struggles, clearly, to get them out the door.

I get them there for 8.30 when I do the school run, so it's not impossible but you do have to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

I feel the only option I have is to take them myself and hope traffic isn't too bad so I'm not too late to work.

Do I keep fighting him on the importance of being at school on time or do I just give up and do it? My work are understanding if traffic is bad and I'm late, but it will be stressful and he will just remain in bed.

With your update OP that's even worse.

I sympathise with him on the school timing because mixed messages don't help, and I can even get past the 8am get up if that just happens to be how you guys do your morning routine, but not getting up because he wants to stay up late and then says "but I can't" to stepping up is ridiculous.

He could do things to make the mornings easier. He could sort his own bedtimes out. He could do more on the mornings. He's using ADHD as a convenient excuse to opt out of morning parenting and that's not on. Plenty of parents have ADHD and don't have the luxury of stepping back whilst passing the load to their partner.

Hey OP (Mumsnet iPhone app playing Up again and won't let me tag you 😢). I also struggle to go to bed on time (think there is a load of reasons for this, poor impulse control, procrastination and distraction, low boredom threshold (especially if you spend ages in bed trying to get to sleep) and and it all gets worse when tired).and inability keep to any routines. It's part and parcel of ADHD which is another reason running life is so hard. I've been exhausted all week yet gone to bed really late even though tired and knowing how important sleep is. I've given instructions to my DH to make me go to bed on time tonight so I don't end up staying up late again! I do like his help though so I can understand your frustration if he won't even try or accept help.

I've read that ADHD causes fatigue and I certainly need a lot of sleep when I am asleep. He may also be a night owl which will be also adding into the mix of needing a later start time in the morning (I also don't start until 9.30 so I can get up later as this works better for me.

I can see your frustration with him not putting his phone away if it's going to distract him. He could put it by the door perhaps as he gets up. That does seem like an easy small thing he could do that might help. Which would make you feel as if he were making some effort. It sounds like he won't try anything at all which I can see would be very frustrating for you.

I have to set expectations on this though, I try. And I set up loads of systems and methods. I have had "support sessions" at work to help. Nothing works perfectly. Somethings don't work or stick AT all and some things help marginally. They take a HUGE amount of effort and improve things a little bit. Which is frustrating but I have learnt to accept.

Phones are both amazing and a nightmare if you have ADHD. My life is in mine. If I didn't have reminders going off and my calendar I would be in complete chaos. If it doesn't get in my calendar or tasks it doesn't happen! But my phone is also my biggest distraction.

And how does he get up at all without an alarm clock! I wouldn't wake up until god knows what time if I didn't set one!!

Wet flannel to the face at 7am. If he won't help himself...

minimum usually he gets up when I shout/ pester/ nag at him to do so. Hence for the past 3 days he's not even been awake when we've left the house.

From inside a primary school class room, our school doors open at 8.50 and close promptly at 9am. The school gate is staffed and parents are told to use the main entrance to the office after 9am as the staff are now in their classrooms and our school doors lock automatically once closed.

In the 10 minutes between 8.50 and 9.00 the children put their things away into their lockers and always write their homework diaries (KS2) so they know what is needed to be done such as spellings or remembering their swim kit. Then they either do corrections from work the day before or a 1 minute challenge piece and when that is done sometimes there are instructions on writing the date and title into their books for today's topics.

Registration is about 9.01 when we also do the fire register at the same time. Work starts around 9.02/9.03 am. Therefore potentially the children can miss out on quite a bit every day. They are missing this important start to the day, not to mention the gossiping that goes on by the trays where Carla can show you her new headband, or Jacob showcases his new alien shaped pencil sharpener.

They are also possibly missing the start of the lessons where the teacher will explain what they are doing and start actually teaching. Due to funding lots of classrooms won't have a teaching assistant to help the child go over what has been missed.

Even if they arrive at 9.10 they are missing 20 minutes per day that really adds up over a week!

mini if anyone had said that adhd was something you can just get over if you can be arsed, I'd entirely agree with you and be the first to jump on them. But nobody has.

We aren't talking about someone willing to acknowledge there is a problem and looking for coping strategies. Or someone really trying and not succeeding. 'I have adhd so tough luck, you just take on my responsibilities entirely' is not an acceptable coping strategy.

And even if he's decided that's how he wants to live, it's not acceptable for him to actively prevent his dc learning coping strategies.

And we aren't all just posting from ignorance. I have adhd too and don't agree it is a free pass to refuse to acknowledge any issues or to decide I cba to try and learn coping strategies and expect everyone around me to pick up the slack. And certainly not an excuse to encourage your adhd dc not to bother.

This forum gets any number of posts from parents of dc with adhd looking for ways to help them with managing the negative symptoms. Op already has a dp that theoretically should be the ideal person to guide them. But instead he's teaching them the opposite, and if really important 'just dump it on Mum to sort'

@TrainspottingWelsh They have said that - I've reported the worst offenders and the posts have been removed so you can't see them.

I read the deleted posts, and nobody said adhd was something you can get over if you can be arsed. The deleted posters simply said the same as many of us have, it was just phrased differently.

I didn't find them at all offensive because they were obviously directed at ops dp, not adhd or those with it in general.

Well he has sorted it hasn't he if you are now doing the school runs. Do a bad job and she won't keep asking and will find it easier to sort it out herself. Probably like youv had to with loads of shit that just lands on your plate without it even making it onto his radar.

@TrainspottingWelsh I think it is implied in a lot of the posts. I think maybe you are taking my post too literally. I am glad for you that you didn't find the posts I reported offensive. I did which is why I reported them. And MN appeared to agree that the deleted posts were not appropriate as they have deleted them. But we are all entitled to our opinion, and you of course can hold a contrary one to mine.