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Original poster

DH and School Run, wwyd

85 replies

StarsShineBrightly · 12/12/2019 21:08

DH does the school run. His work is closer to the school, mine is about half hour away so I leave before they do.

Found out that he's getting them to school consistently late and the teacher is getting annoyed and saying that it's interfering with getting set up for the day.

I knew they were late sometimes, but hadn't realised how late or that this was virtually every day.

Gates open at 8.30-8.50, they're there for 9ish. Bright spark at the school said they're not officially late until 9.15, so he doesn't see 9 as a problem or late and thinks that teacher is being ridiculous.

Relevant points.

Both kids probably have ADHD. One is medicated, the other is being assessed. They are easily distracted and unfocused in the morning so mornings are not easy in our house.

DH also has ADHD and struggles, clearly, to get them out the door.

I get them there for 8.30 when I do the school run, so it's not impossible but you do have to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

I feel the only option I have is to take them myself and hope traffic isn't too bad so I'm not too late to work.

Do I keep fighting him on the importance of being at school on time or do I just give up and do it? My work are understanding if traffic is bad and I'm late, but it will be stressful and he will just remain in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsShineBrightly · 12/12/2019 22:35

I will try to respond to the points raised:

Poor judge of time - he has this absolutely, but he rarely gets up before 8am, and only if I'm asking him to. He will often just chuck some clothes on and take them, but leaves it too late to get through the traffic. I've asked for years for him to get up earlier to help manage the children in the mornings but he won't.

I told him they had to be there from 8.45 from now on.. his response..I can't. I've suggested timers, visual aids got kids, they got lost, a guide of when to do what for him etc. Met with, that just won't work or that's patronising. But if he wants to be somewhere fun on time he can be. It's because this is regular, he can't manage it.

It'll be easier in some ways if I do it as I know I can get there on time. However, it's yet another piece of the drudge work that I pick up amongst all the other stuff and that just makes me feel resentful.

I manage a lot due to all the ADHD and more and more is added to my pile. His skill set is the fun stuff, he gets to do Christmas shopping and inventive cooking. He is good at those, but I feel exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsShineBrightly · 12/12/2019 22:37

School timings are to arrive between 8.30 and 8.50 the gates close at 8.50 and then they sign in at the office. They are not officially marked late until after 9.15. This is I suspect to help parents and there figures, not to let parents take the piss.

OP posts:
titchy · 12/12/2019 22:38

If this is something you end up taking on, make sure he takes something off you. Cooking, food shopping, ironing.

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Purpleartichoke · 12/12/2019 22:39

I would try one more time to get him to change this habit. He needs a new routine. Clothing laid out the night before. Bags packed. Shoes by the door. For everything that must be done in the morning, He needs to make a school morning checklist complete with times. He has to monitor that they are on task so if he also needs to get ready, he could get up a bit earlier. He should also think about the best order to do things. We figured out that our dd does best starting with 10 minutes on the couch and then eating breakfast. Other kids do best starting with clothes.

Purpleartichoke · 12/12/2019 22:40

I took too long to type and see that you already tried the schedule thing with him.

I’d be having a hard time not resorting to screaming at that point.

Original poster
StarsShineBrightly · 12/12/2019 22:41

I'd like him to work on his time management skills, but he doesn't think it's a problem. He's very defensive if I raise it. I've taken them the past two days, he hasn't even got up or mentioned it to me later in the day.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 12/12/2019 22:43

@StarsShineBrightly he gets up at 8am on a working day?!?! He has lots of time but basically can’t be bothered getting out of bed on time. He needs to up his game and not leave you with all the drudge work

Original poster
StarsShineBrightly · 12/12/2019 22:44

Purple at this point I'm beyond screaming and silently crying inside with sheer frustration.

He does do shopping/ cooking to be fair to him and he's good at that.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/12/2019 22:48

He doesn't see it as important. It's not because of his ADHD, it's because he doesn't care about getting the children to school on time. And to be honest OP, I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do about that. If it was almost anything else (mess, cooking, turning up late for his own job) I'd tell you just to leave him be to sort it out himself. But it's the kid's education and it can't be nice for them to always be late.

Sorry lass, I'm no help but it's a bit shit isn't it?

JuneSpoon · 12/12/2019 22:51

If your children have ADHD it's even more important that they're there early to help settle in to the day. Would your DH improve if he thought the children were being negatively impacted by their constant lateness? Could the teacher explain clearly to him why the greeting friends, settling in, setting up for the day part is so vital?

RJnomore1 · 12/12/2019 22:54

I don’t think those weird school timings are helping tbh because he’s NOT late is he? I’ve never heard of anything like that before.

EL8888 · 12/12/2019 22:56

@RJnomore1 l agree. I think l clearly defined late / start time would be helpful

timeisnotaline · 12/12/2019 22:57

I dunno. There are so many women staggering through life making sure they parent despite disability. I don’t have health conditions but have done months of getting my toddler ready in the morning and getting to work with hyperemesis. I get everything ready the night before, I get up super early to take medication and leave time to be sick and get us ready slowly as I feel so ill. I kind of thing he just doesn’t care and I couldn’t live with that.

Original poster
StarsShineBrightly · 12/12/2019 22:58

June Good idea, but she has tried I think. She mentioned it at parents evening and then again recently. He thinks she's overreacting and that it won't make a difference to DS ability to organise himself. It might not, but we do have to give him the best chance.

Unless he himself is impacted or directly sees the impact I think he really struggles to see the importance of it. Particularly if it involves him changing.

OP posts:
DyingDeclaration · 12/12/2019 23:04

OP can you split this out so you do one or two days and then he knows when he is in charge he really has to get them there? Or arrange a meeting at school for you both to really drill it home with him?

I'm saying this based on my experiences of DH and DS both having adhd and understanding the condition which many of the posters on here who think he should "just get up" clearly don't!!!!

DyingDeclaration · 12/12/2019 23:08

@MiniMum97 clearly knows what she is talking about though!

TrainspottingWelsh · 12/12/2019 23:10

If he's aiming for 9 and consistently getting there a bit later, he can aim for 8.30 and consistently get there a bit late, but still be on time for school.

I'd sympathise if he was getting up early, and either struggling with the dc's, or open about his struggles and looking to improve. But refusing to ask for help, deliberately aiming to get up late and being closed minded to the need for any change is not excusable, because they aren't unavoidable symptoms of adhd.

The only thing I find disablist on this thread is the assumption adhd naturally prevents you from learning coping strategies or generally functioning as a responsible adult. Our brains are different, so it's patronising and offensive to automatically have such low expectations.

EL8888 · 12/12/2019 23:22

^totally this

Helpfullilly · 13/12/2019 00:02

I think the school have helped create this problem with their policy. By the sounds of it he'd get them there earlier if he had not been told by someone at reception/in authority that any time before 9.15am was okay.

The individual teacher may complain, but he sees that as the whole school policy and so he's within the rules. It's also more convenient for him and he has said he sees no risk of negative consequences on the children personally (rightly or wrongly), so it's the teachers problem not his, so then where is the incentive to change? Okay, you might complain, but he's the one doing it and he clearly doesn't think you are being reasonable as they genuinely are never technically late.

That seems to really be what it comes down to, the ADHD is then a bit of a red herring.

I think you would need an official letter from the school saying there is an issue and there will be x potential consequences (detentions, a fine) for him to take it seriously or to alter his behaviour. Otherwise it might seem to him like you/teacher are being unreasonable, as it does seem that he's right about this being the policy even if it's not so much about begin within the rules as the missed class time/disruption, and that he's abusing the spirit of them.

Ultimately, I think you need to ask yourself how important this is to you and your children, because if he's not likely to change then doing it yourself seems to be the only option, regardless of the reasons why. Only you can decide if it's important enough to outweigh the negatives for you personally.

UselessTrees · 13/12/2019 00:29

Spell it out to him that all the other children are there and ready to start the day at 8.50. That ten minutes (probably more, in reality, by the time they've signed in and got to the classroom) when the others are already getting on with whatever the morning activities are, add up to hours and hours of education that your DC are missing out on over the course of the year. I have major issues with organisation and timekeeping, and this was something I did struggle with when DD1 first started school. But I gave myself a kick up the arse when I realised how stressful being late was for her, and that it made a big impact on her day and learning, and I fully prioritised getting her there on time. We are still a just-in-time kind of family, but (five years later) neither of my DC have had to sign in late since.

Superlooper · 13/12/2019 00:48

Flowers for you OP because I know exactly how frustrating this is. Unfortunately I don't have an easy solution.

purplelemonorange · 13/12/2019 00:49

It's got nothing to do with adhd, he just can't be fucked. And yes I have plenty of experience with adhd. People with adhd/add can absolutely learn organisation and routine. Since your kids also have it he is now teaching them that they don't have to be organised or be on time for things. This will not work well for them when they get to high school etc.

You're also saying he's a Disney dad and you're left with anything responsible and wife work essentially.

I would be reassessing my marriage, what I was getting out of it and if I wanted to be in it anymore. From what you've described the answer would likely be no.

Superlooper · 13/12/2019 00:50

What I do is mostly bring them and dh does more pick ups then. He seems a bit better at picking up on time. It's not too far out of my way though. And it's still frustrating!

olivertwistwantsmore · 13/12/2019 00:59

He just can’t be arsed to get up earlier and get the kids to school on time.

If he can get himself somewhere fun, then e can get the dc to school.

He sounds pretty useless and uncaring to the dc. Does he have an actual diagnosis?

I’d be asking myself how much I loved him and what I got out if the relationship. Sounds like you’re doing a lot more than he is, and he’s not grateful, just defensive and shitty.

christma5 · 13/12/2019 01:10

I have poor time management (dyslexia) and for quite a long time I was constantly getting there at 9am so 5 mins. I decided enough was enough and now make sure I aim to get to school at 8:30, I found I got a parking space and time to chat with dd, incentive for me to carry on being so early. Perhaps suggest he's ready to leave at the same time as you.