DH and School Run, wwyd

[StarsShineBrightly]

DH does the school run. His work is closer to the school, mine is about half hour away so I leave before they do.

Found out that he's getting them to school consistently late and the teacher is getting annoyed and saying that it's interfering with getting set up for the day.

I knew they were late sometimes, but hadn't realised how late or that this was virtually every day.

Gates open at 8.30-8.50, they're there for 9ish. Bright spark at the school said they're not officially late until 9.15, so he doesn't see 9 as a problem or late and thinks that teacher is being ridiculous.

Relevant points.

Both kids probably have ADHD. One is medicated, the other is being assessed. They are easily distracted and unfocused in the morning so mornings are not easy in our house.

DH also has ADHD and struggles, clearly, to get them out the door.

I get them there for 8.30 when I do the school run, so it's not impossible but you do have to be aware of where they are and what they're doing.

I feel the only option I have is to take them myself and hope traffic isn't too bad so I'm not too late to work.

Do I keep fighting him on the importance of being at school on time or do I just give up and do it? My work are understanding if traffic is bad and I'm late, but it will be stressful and he will just remain in bed.

Does he get to work on time? Does he cope with timings at work?

He can't pick up regularly because of work.
He had flexi hours so can go in for 10 . Theoretically he could get there for 9 and be home an hour earlier, but he chooses not to .

I'd be happier if he acknowledged the problem and was willing to find a solution.

Time management and prioritising are issues at work too and he struggles.

Yes, he's formally diagnosed. I told him before we went in that if it wasn't ADHD he was just a shit and I would leave.

I do reassess marriage at times. But, kids adore him, i don't want to be apart from them regularly, he'd struggle more on his own getting them anywhere, when there are no jobs to do, i.e. on holiday, he's really fun to be with. I do enjoy his company, but at the moment I'm very cross with him.

It’s similar at our school to be honest. Doors open at 8.45 for school to start at 8.50. However they’re not ‘late’ until 9, which is when they have to go and sign in at reception rather than go through the normal door.

Your kids love him because he only does fun stuff and doesn’t worry about boring shit like chores. He’s a Disney dad. And he’s turning you into a drudge who does everything that isn’t fun enough for him to do. ADHD or not, he’s not even showing willing to try and that isn’t good parenting.

I have two both diagnosed with autism and adhd (9 and 7) plus a ten year old. Youngest has very complex needs and attends a specialist school. We are never late. Yes adhd does slow both kids down and I have to micromanage them a bit more but it’s not fair on the teacher. I’d give your Dh a kick up the butt.

We're all really fun to be with when there are no jobs to do.

I think I'd speak to the head teacher about their lax start time policy. People like your DH who resent authority and will always do the least possible and push the rules as far as possible, will always take the latest possible time as the only relevant time.

Our school doesn't operate like that incidentally. Quite the opposite. Kids go in on time, parents have about a minute to exit the yard, then the gate is locked. Anyone coming in five minutes late would have to go through the office. I'm not sure if you're signed in as late immediately but it's pretty tight.

8am on a week day though! That's a weekend lie-in. He needs to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Simple as that.

You say he has problems with time-management at work. Does he really want to pass that on to his children? Does he not want to give them a chance to gain the skills that could give them a better life?

It sounds like the problem isn't so much that can't be on time, it's more that he doesn't believe that 9am is late. He doen't believe what you and the teacher say is the start time, so who does he need to hear it from? Who's opinion does he respect? Would it help if the principle confirmed the official start time?

He is just a shit though. Adhd doesn't prevent him setting an earlier alarm or changing his hours. These are both choices.

Could you find a childminder/nanny to do it?

School aren't helping with their vague communication to be honest.

Most schools will have two designations of late. One is late before registers close and the other is late after registers closed (that's how it's worked at every school I've worked at). So if a student arrives to me after the on time bell then they are late, but have arrived before the register has closed. If they arrive after a certain time then they sign in at the office and that gets a late mark.

School have told him they're not late until 9:15 so to him 9am is on time.

What school need to do is say:
School gates are open at 8:30
Children to be in the classroom for 8:50 (or whatever time the actual school day starts)
Then the teacher can do the register and mark accordingly.

They can't tell parents it's not late til 9:15 and then be annoyed when parents are working to timings given by the school.

The only way we get out of the door on time is a series of alarms. DS1 is dyspraxic, and has extremely poor organisational memory - I have to remind him of each of the things he has to do every morning (he's 9!) - he honestly can't cope with a list of things, and has to have them scheduled one at a time, with strict routine and rules.

So we have them. Alarm to be eating breakfast by, no TV until had breakfast and dressed, Alarm to be dressed by, Alarm to put shoes and socks on, I do a rundown every morning to check he has everything he needs and straighten his clothes, then the same at the other end of the day to make sure he still has what he should.

TBH it helps me and his brother to have all these rules too as I get very stressed if I have to continually be on my toes, but once I've got a routine set I'm much happier.

It can be done - you just need to have the will - which your DP doesn't seem to have.

It really sounds like the main problem here is that your DH just doesn’t believe that 9am is late, and that he’s therefore unwilling to try any sort of techniques to get to school earlier.

And I have no idea what you can do about that.

I agree with PP that this is not the ADHD, its laziness, poor parenting and disrespectful to you.

I think it's the unwillingness to see that there's a problem and to do anything about it that upsets me so.

I've also felt that ADHD is not an excuse, it just means you have to find other ways of dealing with things. It's what I am trying to teach the children, but they must see everyone else just accommodating their father.

Thanks everyone for all the input. At least I know I'm not being unreasonable in my expectations despite his ADHD.

I am on the fence a bit about this. I have inattentive ADHD. At one point, at work, they told us that if we were going to be more than 15 mins late we had to call - I ended up turning up just under 15 mins late nearly every day. We also have flexitime, which actually is not always ideal with ADHD (or in my experience of 1 anyway). However, when my boss said could you look at your timekeeping, I acknowledged the problem and fixed it.

So I probably would do what your DH has done in that situation initially - except that when someone points out that I'm doing these things (and I don't always realise), I can and do fix it. Especially when I realise that it's affecting other people. But of course, everyone's conditions are different.

It really sounds like the main problem here is that your DH just doesn’t believe that 9am is late, and that he’s therefore unwilling to try any sort of techniques to get to school earlier.
And I have no idea what you can do about that
If he's working on the fact that someone at school said it's not late until after 9:15 then maybe the school could tell him directly what time the children need to be there.

Really OP's DH needs a kick up the arse but this situation has been caused by school giving mixed messages about gates being open 8:39-8:50 but not being late until 9:15.

Whatever time the school day starts is the time the children need to be there, so if the day starts at 9am then they need to be in the classroom by 9am (regardless of teacher getting set up), if the school day starts at 8:50 when the gates close then they need to be in the classroom by 8:50.

Once he has a clear time from the school there's no discussion to be had at home about whether they are/aren't on time. They HAVE to be there by a set time.

Yes, I think he needs to be told, by an appropriate authority (one he'll listen to) that he must have the DCs at school by 8.50am.

Ther's far too much ambiguity and room for negotiation at the moment.

Yes, the school timings are confusing but he’s choosing not to get up until 8am. It’s like he can’t be arsed.

And choosing fun things he likes to do eg the cooking, isn’t helping, it’s picking and choosing only what he wants to do. That’s not how chores work.

I understand he has ADHD but quite apart from that he sounds lazy and disrespectful.

What can you do? Get the school to tell him the children must be there for 8.40 (or whatever time). They could have a settling in session they ‘need’ to attend.

But honestly, if he can’t be bothered to get his own children to school on time, there’s not much hope. I don’t see why you should do it. He needs to get his arse in gear. Perhaps he should drop the flexible working too and stick to a fixed start-time to help him do similar for school.

@BreatheAndFocus yes that's a good idea and then he can be late everyday for that fixed time job and lose his job. That will help everyone.

@DyingDeclaration Thank you! I find it absolutely shocking how many people do not seem to able grasp that someone with ADHD cannot "just" get up earlier/pull their finger out etc etc etc etc

I would LOVE for one of these organised, on time people to live in my head for a day. And then come back to me about how it's all so easy. People who can be on time and organised take it for granted and assume everyone could be the same if they just tried a little bit harder.

I envy you. I would love to be one of you. Because life is actually really fucking difficult when you can't run it easily and everything takes you ages because you can't start things, or finish things, or you get distracted or confused half way through, and because you can't remember things so you end up always feel like you are chasing your tail and flying by the seat of your pants, and as if everything is about to collapse into chaos. It's stressful and unpleasant.

Sounds like the OP's other half may have decided to stop caring. And to be honest I don't blame him. I do care and work really hard at trying to keep all the balls juggling, but get stressed and overwhelmed because of it and I am still late and still drop balls.

So please STOP thinking and saying that ADHD is something you can just get over if you could be arsed. It is simply NOT the case.

Married to a man with ADD and a son with ADHD so I feel your pain. I find it's easier mentally just to do it myself, but I only work part time. Nagging and trying to organise someone who can't organise themselves is a nightmare. It's a cop out I know, but it's easier for me

Minimum I do understand that his ADHD makes it difficult and I'm certainly willing to find a way to help him. However the "well i just can't" attitude is fucking me off.

He can't get up because he doesn't go to bed until late. He won't put in a bedtime routine to help himself. I can see he's falling asleep on the sofa and he refuses to go to bed.

I'm here in the mornings, I'm still getting them up, getting them mostly ready while he sits and eats his breakfast at the table while I make sure they're doing what they should be. But he'll be on his phone, which slows him down, then he'll get distracted by something else. As much as I sympathise with his difficulties there are methods to try and overcome them. He doesn't even set his alarm clock in the morning for example or put his phone somewhere else so he can't get distracted by it.

I'm not saying he should just get over his difficulties, but I think there are things he could do and ADHD isn't an excuse not to do them, although it does make doing them much harder and he needs to be open to finding strategies to help him rather than knowing that I'll just pick up the slack.

yellow completely understand and I suspect that is what will happen with this issue until kids can get themselves to school under their own steam.

So he doesnt respect the schools, timings, doesnt respect the teacher wanting the kids to get their on time, and doesnt respect you patiently asking him. Who and what does he respect?

Would the head asking him for a chat in their office make him see the importance of the schools timings? Or the dcs having to be kept in at break to make up for their lateness (obviously I dont mean this, but if he thought it may happen would it give him a kick up the bum?)

there

The mixed definition of "late" is not helping. He's continuing with this routine because he's not getting any direct negative consequences to act as an external motivator.

I find routines and timekeeping to be a slog. The worst thing I can be is ahead of schedule as I relax and drop my guard, time passes and I end up in a last-minute panic wondering WTF happened. Being too organised in advance throws me and gives me more margin to forget and make errors. I have to get the balance of pressure right.

With a dyspraxic, ASD child, mornings are not the easiest and our routine has developed to logically work through the house towards the front door to avoid distractions and faffery. We go Get Dressed (TO THE SOCKS! or all hell breaks loose on an extra dash upstairs. Spare socks are kept in the shoe cupboard). The DCs then can have tech until breakfast as they are motivated by food. The quicker they get dressed, the more tech there is. Incentive. The downstairs toilet is by the front door so we do teeth and hair there. That stage of getting ready is a tight ship to keep the pressure on and be efficient. Too much time lets the DCs drift into distraction. I know the "best before" times for each stage in order to get to school on time with a few minutes margin. We have a short reliable walk. It's not easy. It's not an orthodox routine. But we do get there ready for the start of the school day.

Conditions like ADHD do make it harder, more stressful and manual to achieve, but there are strategies avaliable. It's a hinderence, not an excuse. He can do it if he can see the value in it can be bothered