What do I do re dd's weight?

[IrisJoy]

Dd is 12 (nearly 13) and she is quite overweight (she is about 5 foot and size 12 ish??) She has always been a little bit chunky, not like my other dd who was always quite skinny, although she has filled out now and is a health 5'7 and size 10_12.
Over the last 3 years or so she has become quite 'plump'. I have spoke. To her about exercise and sugar levels etc but haven't wanted to push anything as don't want her to have bad relationship with food. But she is a fussy eater (she'll have chocolate brioche for breakfast or nothing at all. I want her to eat something in the morning so I let her have the brioche) and she would stay sitting all day if I let her. I don't and we go out every weekend/holiday day for a dog walk etc. But not enough to keep her fit. I have tried so many different activities etc to try and get her into sinethubg to keep a bit fitter but she either doesnt want to or doesn't stick to it.
I try to limit junk food and I don't keep it in the house. But she is at secondary and sometimes gets sweets etc on the way home (I don't give her money for this, she borrows it).
For her meals she has big portions and if she doesn't she complains she is hungry.
She has very low self esteem which is iartt if the reason I haven't pushed it before now, so have always tried to keep the conversation focused on health and fitness, mental health etc but it's not sinking in and I think she is putting on weight. I haven't even weighed her.
She would absolutely hate it if I took her to the Dr about this.
I think she is aware and hates growing up and puberty etc anyway. Not interested in being girly in any way.
What do I do now? I think I have to have a conversation with her about it (even knowing that she will have a m strop, not listen and then throw it back at me when she is feeling low). Do I put her on the scales and do her bmi with her and ask her how she feels about it etc?
I think I have to get her on board to be able to do anything about it. But she is a very tricky character and I do really have bigger fish to fry with her (anxiety etc) but I thought she would grow out of this as she got taller; but I think it's getting worse.
Wwyd? How do I broach this? TIA

Sorry about typos!

a few sweets on the way home won't be the problem, but how is she paying back what she borrows if you don't give her money?

what are these large food portions consisting of? downgrade to plain brioche not chocolate, wont help much but chocolate for breakfast is a non negotiable here except easter/christmas or the odd birthday!

Well who is buying the brioche OP?

And from whom is she borrowing the money?

You can control her intake for the next few years, you need to take ownership of it and sort it out.

My son is 9 and a gannet so I am facing the same struggle. I do understand but there's no way I'd give in to brioche for breakfast, that's insane.

I wish I had some useful advice, but am watching with interest because I could have written exactly this post.

My DD is also nearly 13 and getting quite tubby around her middle. I know she is unhappy about this and her friends are all very slender. She favours wearing clothes that are tight and short in the waist, which is a hard look to carry off at the best of times! I worry about her so much. I don't have a clue what to do. I try everything I can to enforce and encourage a good diet, but it's hard. Particularly as she has very limited tastes and only really enjoys carby foods, dislikes almost all veg and is upset by many food textures.

I've encouraged many sports including swimming, dance, cricket, football gym... tried to get her interested in running and walking and thought about a pedometer, but she is resistant.

I also don't want to make a big thing of it and she has other worries to do with friendships etc and bullying. It's very hard, I sympathise and empathise. I hope someone can give us some advice.

Having been the daughter in this scenario (and now very overweight adult) I can give you some advice about what not to do...

IMO don't take her to a dr specifically about weight or make comments about her weight. When my mum did this it made me very depressed and self conscious. I would then comfort eat and feel guilty.

Don't give her chocolate brioche for breakfast. Whoops. We've run out today. How about "insert healthy alternative" instead?

Do activities to encourage her self esteem. Things she enjoys and is good at. Do encourage any sporting activities she enjoys or things to get her out of the house. Something like some nice body creams might help her appreciate her body and want to be more careful with it.

If she needs large portions to feel full, loads of healthy veg on plates.

Could she have low iron/low vitamin d. If she not sleeping enough? If you're tired, it tends to make you tired make you hungry.

Sorry pressed send too soon..

So what I'm doing with my son is having as little sugar in the house as is possible. I just don't but it. Now, I do think he has an addition to carbs and sugar and it worries me.

It is also important to remember at that age children put weight on (particularly on their stomachs) before a growth spurt, as she is only 5ft she might be about to shoot up

Thank you for all your replies.
Yes I am buying the brioche. As I said if I don't she just doesn't eat breakfast. I am not sure which is worse.
I am not supplying money to pay friends back. Which I feel awful about but I am hoping this will eventually stop her borrowing money.
So I need to to cut portions and tell her it's tough if she is hungry? Would you have a Frank conversation with her about it? And let her go with breakfast. As I said I don't buy the rubbish either.

I really have tried any exercise I can think of but she isn't interested. I have to drag her. Which I do but it doesn't Foster a love of exercise!

What sort of meals does she eat big portions of?

I wouldn't buy brioche - I would say there is porridge or nothing personally

Exercise wise could you do something together, like a 3 peaks challenge for her fav charity, or a famous walk near you with lots to take pictures of on her smart phone to get arty with later?

You could be my mum when I was approx 14/15.

My parents called me fat and put a lock on the cuboard in the kitchen. Dont do that, it was horrible. Especially because I had a very slim sister.

Im 33, 5ft 6 and size 10/12 now so I think I evened out in the end.

I was a chunky kid and not sporty at all. My mum did try and cut back on treats tactfully but I probably could have had some help with portion sizes as I got (and ate) the same as my dad and sporty older brother. I also always got 'praised' by my female relatives for looking slimmer which was bobbins and made me feel like that was the most important thing about me. They did love me and did it from a good place but was not what I needed.

I am a plump adult and have struggled with my weight all my life. I am one that equates food with treats so really try to discourage that attitude,

My friends dd went through a really chubby stage at about 11 and my friend was at a loss as they were a healthy, active family and none of them had ever been overweight . She shot up and started her periods and is now tall and skinny at 12.

Please do not weigh her or have a conversation about her weight. By all means talk about good nutrition and healthy habits, and remove some of the less healthy stuff from the house. But this is an age we need to be really careful not to start a dieting journey that will lead in the long term to weight gain. I recommend a site called "rebelfit" for good advice.

Quite a tough one. What is she eating for lunch?

I had a terrible weight problem when I was younger and my mother was very defensive of me and not very helpful with me trying to lose weight tbh, so I think you are doing the right thing to keep an eye on her. A lot of likes and dislikes about food is about training your tastebuds to be honest. Do you cook with her? My relationship with food turned around when my sister taught me how to cook and taught me how to be responsible about my nutritional in take.

Re activities- very tough one because if she’s anxious about the way she looks already she’s probably not going to take part in much that she feels puts her under any kind of scrutiny from others, but weight is 80% diet anyway.

So I need to to cut portions and tell her it's tough if she is hungry?

If her plate if full -using a large veg/salad to bulk up the portion - she shouldn’t be hungry. If she says she’s still hungry offer an apple? Is she drinking enough water?
What sort of meals is she actually eating? There is a big difference between a big portion chicken kiev and chips and a serving of grilled chicken, a small baked potato and a pile of veg.

Tell her the whole family is going to start eating healthier in the new year. Say the Dr has told you /her father etc to - not her. Say due to diabetes risk/healthy heart - whatever.

Portion size seems the easiest thing to tackle on an ongoing basis. Reduce the carbs and up the protein/veggies.

Lunch - packed lunch - then you have some control over what is going into it. Healthy stuff, hummous, carrots sticks, sorreen (slow release), min cheddars not crisps, fruit. If making sandwiches daily is a PITA freeze them in batches, grab one in the morning and it is defrosted by lunchtime. Tell her she can have as much as she likes of the packed lunch stuff. And do not get in crisps/chocolate bars.

Breakfast - the brioche has to go. Too much sugar and a huge sugar rush in the morning. Get her to agree what she will have. Even a pancake with some banana, a weetabix with fruit, a nice museli. Got to be something. If it is the convenience of the brioche she likes (grab and go) there are alternatives. I make my DC muffin sized crustless quiches. Full of cream and cheese so not low cal - but have spinach, eggs, protein - so fill them up. I make a batch on Sundays and they sit in the fridge so the children can just grab them.

Exercise. Start C25K together. Go swimming. Go to a back to netball session. Hire a badminton court. Go for a bike ride. Help her find her "thing" - tell her you are helping her do this. Stick with it.

She is too young to take responsibility for this - you have to lead it.

The website sounds good I will have a look thank you.
She loves baking but I will try to get that into cooking savoury.
She eats a lot of pasta but will pad it out with veg as she is actually good at eating veg.
I definitely doesn't call her fat or lock kitchen cupboards! But I won't weigh her etc either. Just carry on the conversation around fitness and healthy eating. I just wondered if I should be being bit tougher. I will get a bit tougher on exercise as this does wain.
I like the idea of the creams etc but she is still a tom boy and isn't even vaguely interested. The trouble is as soon as she thinks I am lecturing her (anytime I open my mouth!) she switches off.
OK will mostly keep going and will also have a discussion around breakfast and stop buying choc brioche.
Thank you all

We have a similar problem OP. DS is 13 and does a reasonable amount of exercise. At home he'll have shreddies or peanut butter on toast for breakfast, a baguette for lunch and reasonable dinner i.e. spag bol or similar. If he is hungry at home he'll have an extra bowl of cereal or some toast.

Trouble is now that he has access to food outside the home and has been buying chocolate bars and most recently energy drinks.

He has become quite chunky, but as I was an overweight teen myself I'm not sure how to handle it - particularly when his friends seem to hoover up food and not put on a pound ( although if I look closely I see that they don't have seconds of ice cream or eat all of the pizza or pick Haribos rather than a dairy milk). I don't want him to feel self conscious and as I say he does do exercise. I try to point him to reasonable choices, but it's difficult as it's almost as if he is addicted to junk food.

Hi. I won’t repeat some of the good advice above but I just wanted to say that I was a slightly overweight teen.. and I used to swing dramatically from not caring at all to being depressed about it. Your daughter knows she isn’t as slender as her friends.

I was also very disconnected from my body. And only once I tuned into did I realise I dint want to always be eating so much crap. Could you ask her a favour to accompany you to yoga classes?

I was hoping she would shoot up and that would sort it but I think I have to stop burying my head in the sand.
I really have tried exercose: swimming, cycling, trampoline classes, ice skating... Anything I can think of! I can just about drag her out for a dog walk once a week.no chance getting her doing c25k. I bought her a fitbit of her choice to try and help and it hasn't helped. I keep going with the exercise but it is under strong duress!
As you say that isn't the main thing it has to come from diet. I just know she will go to school on nothing which I hate!

For breakfast would she eat some leftovers from dinner instead? Or a sandwich? Basically anything she likes that's healthier than brioche. If she doesn't like breakfast foods it doesn't have to be a breakfast food she has.

Take her to your GP. She might hate the idea. She’ll hate being a fat teenager more. Losing weight will boost self esteem it needs to be supported by people that know what the correct way forward is. The internet is not the answer.
Unfortunately you aren’t terribly clued up about acceptable diet if you’re giving her sweetened chocolate and bread for breakfast. You need professional advice to support her.
She sounds like she needs tough love to get her health back on track. That has to be with well informed monitoring and advice.

Yoga and not breakfast foods are a good idea. Thank you.
Her school only has school lunches option. She seems to have a sandwich /baguette and a cookie. So not great but not stuffing herself with chips either.
I think I won't worry too much over Christmas, while using the holidays to explore breakfast options etc and then sit both girls down to talk to them about healthy eating etc. And go from there...
She has also shown an interest in doing martial arts so I will look into doing a class of that with her.

Yoga is nice and better than tv but she needs to be doing an hour of moderate cardio exercise a day ideally- something that makes her get out of breath. Running, tennis, squash, netball, junior gym, swimming (lengths).