What do I do re dd's weight?

[IrisJoy]

Dd is 12 (nearly 13) and she is quite overweight (she is about 5 foot and size 12 ish??) She has always been a little bit chunky, not like my other dd who was always quite skinny, although she has filled out now and is a health 5'7 and size 10_12.
Over the last 3 years or so she has become quite 'plump'. I have spoke. To her about exercise and sugar levels etc but haven't wanted to push anything as don't want her to have bad relationship with food. But she is a fussy eater (she'll have chocolate brioche for breakfast or nothing at all. I want her to eat something in the morning so I let her have the brioche) and she would stay sitting all day if I let her. I don't and we go out every weekend/holiday day for a dog walk etc. But not enough to keep her fit. I have tried so many different activities etc to try and get her into sinethubg to keep a bit fitter but she either doesnt want to or doesn't stick to it.
I try to limit junk food and I don't keep it in the house. But she is at secondary and sometimes gets sweets etc on the way home (I don't give her money for this, she borrows it).
For her meals she has big portions and if she doesn't she complains she is hungry.
She has very low self esteem which is iartt if the reason I haven't pushed it before now, so have always tried to keep the conversation focused on health and fitness, mental health etc but it's not sinking in and I think she is putting on weight. I haven't even weighed her.
She would absolutely hate it if I took her to the Dr about this.
I think she is aware and hates growing up and puberty etc anyway. Not interested in being girly in any way.
What do I do now? I think I have to have a conversation with her about it (even knowing that she will have a m strop, not listen and then throw it back at me when she is feeling low). Do I put her on the scales and do her bmi with her and ask her how she feels about it etc?
I think I have to get her on board to be able to do anything about it. But she is a very tricky character and I do really have bigger fish to fry with her (anxiety etc) but I thought she would grow out of this as she got taller; but I think it's getting worse.
Wwyd? How do I broach this? TIA

Could you go low fat / sugar by stealth ? It's quite easy to do. Buy fat free yoghurt . When making chilli / spag bol make from scratch and use less meat and use lentils / more veg instead.Don't buy biscuits, or crisps or make them for occasional treats only . She doesn't need less food, just better food.

I think the pasta is probably far more of a problem than the brioche, its way to easy to have to large a portion unless you are weighing / measuring. Likewise porrridge probably has more calories than the brioche but then on the hand its more filling.....

I would take a look at my fitness pal or similar and figure out with her how many calories/sat fat/protein she needs a day then just meal plan her favourites round that (weigh/measure everything to start with)

and what a PP said about exercise it helps a bit with burning calories but it helps a lot with other things related to self esteem and probably good MH.

My 15 year old Ds has started taking salad instead of sandwiches for lunch and t it's definitely keeping his weight stable.

Just as an aside why are you going to martial arts with her. If it's something she wants to do let her do it on her own, my son would have been mortified if i had muscled in on his chosen sport.

This breakfast works for my chocolate-loving, health food dodging kids: portion of porridge (I think 30g is the recommended amount) with 10g milled chia seeds. A teaspoon of drinking chocolate (Nesquik or whatever) and a half to whole teasp of cocoa powder (essential for a chocolatey flavour). Mix all well together and then Pour over whatever milk (skimmed, almond and oat are all good So long as they are ice cold). One of my dc adds a few chocolate covered raisins to their bowl. It's chocolate but better than most chocolate cereals. And cheaper.

OP the only thing I will say is there is probably an emotional connection to the food she is eating, so please be careful with how you communicate with her.

My mum constantly harassed and insulted me about my weight and she brought it into every co conversation. I wanted to go horse riding as a teenager and her first response was, 'I'll have to check the weight limit first for those poor horses'. I wasnt nearly as big as she made me out to be.

She was so desperate for me to be slim as she seemed this to be more socially acceptable; guess what it did!? I was so embarrassed by myself I barely left the house and dealt with the shame by (you guessed it) eating! I am still overweight to this day but I don't let it stop me from living my life anymore. I also went through a prolonged period of severe self harm because I utterly detested who I was and that i couldn't be thin. I was probably a stone or two overweight and I honestly felt worthless.

My tips would be to find an active hobby to do together, not mentioning or linking it to dieting or weight loss, cooking healthy meals without the emphasis on diets and educating your daughter about what is in certain foods.

I would also try and link her mentally away from food. For example, if she has a good day to treat her to a facemask or a trip to the cinema - positive reinforcement away from food. Dont reward weight loss with food, that will set her up to fail.

Also, remind her how beautiful she is, no matter her weight and remind her that her body does not define her worth, we women have it tough enough already.

Would she be interested in something like fencing? Often appeals to not sporty people but fitness is definitely encouraged/helpful. I didn't get on with racquet sports growing up, also wussy about hockey etc, but got to national level at fencing - I was a lot more active than I would have been without it.

Food wise, too much restriction isn't helpful - I still tend to buy and eat too much of the kind of thing that was banned growing up!

Could you get her into more Mediterranean food?

Like continental breakfast I. E ham, cheese, fruit, might fill her up more?

Give her a starter of a massive bowl of lentil soup before each meal, take the edge off her appetite

If you know what she weighs roughly already you could go onto the nhs website and they have a bmi calculator on there which you could put her height,weight,age etc without her knowing to get an idea on what she weighs and if she's overweight or not. I've done this to check my daughters weight in the past. Definitely no brioche for breakfast though as they are obviously quite high in fat,calories and sugar. Porridge,toast,cereal,fruit and yoghurt would be better ideas. Tough if she has a sulk for a while. She will soon come around. She won't starve. Good luck.

She has also shown an interest in doing martial arts so I will look into doing a class of that with her.

^.. I can guarantee if she starts this it'll melt offa her! Plus they'll encourage healthy eating, so if she wants to improve and get good she'll have to improve her diet

I think, that some children have bigger appetites than others. My dd has always had a large appetite and got hungry quickly. It didn’t really make any difference what she ate, she was constantly hungry.

Age 11 and 12, she was definitely plumpish, and like you, l didn’t know what to do or how to help.

Suddenly at 13 she shot up to 5ft 10. And a lot of weight disappeared. Once the growth spurt was over she went off all sweet foods, and became a vegetarian.

I think she’s due another small growth spurt because her appetite has increased again. But she hasn’t put on any more weight.

Hope this helps a bit😊

Also, stripping her of a brioche roll in the morning is only going to attach shame and resentment to her eating and she will be much more likely to start to sneak food and binge.

Don't remove all bad food from the house, genuinely you will damage her by doing this. As PP have said, you need to focus on her exercise and a healthy outlet for her emotional energy rather than shaming her in her own home.

Weight issues are seldom about greed. It is an emotional issue and you will not help your daughter if she thinks she will have to hide it.

Let's face it, one brioche a day isn't going to have made her overweight.

I know you seem focused on the exercise, which is great for health, but it will be the amount of food she eats that makes her overweight. Look really objectively at portion control. remember the rule about a portion being the size of the person’s fist. The contents of the plate of food should be colourful. Lots of veg and salad, but not sauces! Be very careful with the pasta amount.

Are you a healthy weight? Is her father?

I was fat at that age. My father decided to take control of my diet instead of my mother. It wasn’t austere bu any measure. I never went hungry and had lots of treats but also a lot of fresh fruit/veg and freshly made yogurt. We also cooked from scratch and didn’t have the processed food my mother used to cook. I still had sweet things like cake and chocolate, I was still given money to buy what I wanted (but I was so full from the fresh food I rarely bought food myself). By the time I was 14 I had a beautiful figure.

Never did any exercise beyond walking a few miles a day I should add.

Would have name changed I’d i knew how.

However, eating or not eating of food can be a very considered control mechanism among teens and young adults. When they do not feel in control of their issue and environments, food is one thing they can control.
Please be very careful as the whole eating issue can backfire spectacularly.
I used to be almost anorexic so I could be in control of at least part of my life.

If she loves cooking could she help design some health family food patterns for the whole family ... for all your health?

Could you go to some exercise things together eg a yoga class or ... ask her if she can support you? Or something like tennis?

Could you confidentially discuss with school in case they have any suggestions as many have gyms and focus on healthy lifestyles ... it's not all competitive sport or dance.

Good luck

OP, if the brioche you’re talking about us the little rolls you get from the supermarket they’re something like 130kcals each. That’s not really a lot to start the day on, plus they are refined sugar and gone in a flash - I bet it makes her hungrier. Could you try and see if she will have the brioche AND something else - like fruit or a yogurt? If she has a good breakfast in the morning she’s more likely to make better decisions about food the rest of the day.

The people saying about being careful about regulating m I know... Which is way I have skirted akrind the issue. I genuinely don't know how much to push, if at all. It's such a fine line!
I am a healthy weight (bmi if 24)as is her sister and her dad (who doesn't live with us). But I think we could all eat more sensibly so this seems a good place to start (although not the first time I have tried!)
I will talk to her again about martial arts or fencing. I realise this won't make her lose weight but really it is for her self esteem and mental health. The reason I mentioned about doing it with her is that she won't start things be herself and doesn't want to take a friend. It's netvalk season soon which she does enjoy so hopefully that'll help.

Alternatives to foods, white pasta to brown pasta, white bread to brown, potato to sweet potato, simple small changes can make a big difference at a young age, fizzy drinks carry alot of sugar.

The suggestion to involve her in the cooking progress sounds great, if she is good with eating veg, portion size, half the plate veg, a quarter carb and quarter meat, try plating on smaller plates, plates look full so portion size looks bigger but isn't,

And for exercise, u don't even need to leave the house for this, half an hour each night, try things on youtube like dancing and u join in with her, make it fun and not seem like exercise, make it playfull and enjoyable,

It's a touchy subject esp for girls that age, I would fear it going the other way and her avoiding food altogether.

My mum used to tell me it was just "puppy fat" and it would go away, it never did and I do wish she hadn't had so much treats on hand that I then abused, I am now doing the opposite with DS, and starting early on it,

Hope it helps, good luck xo

If she is interested in martial arts, she might like boxfit classes. We have a boxing gym in this area that does kick box classes for females.
An egg, burger and cheese muffin would be high in calories, but more filling and cause less of a sugar spike than brioche. Even if she takes it and eats it cold at break. I know that I'm always hungry if I start my day with carbs. After a carb&sugar breakfast she's eating a cookie at lunch and sweets on the way home. Is there anything she really wants? If you say the whole family is going sugar free for health reasons and she'll get the item she wants at the end of she joins the challenge. Hopefully by then she will have kicked the sugar habit.

Yes I am buying the brioche. As I said if I don't she just doesn't eat breakfast. I am not sure which is worse.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not eating breakfast. I haven't eaten it since the last year of junior school.

If she was genuinely hungry for it, she'd eat it when there was no chocolate on offer.

Tread carefully. My mum handled weight poorly, and thirty years later I still want to punch her in the face Every time she describes someone as ‘lovely and slim’.

What about doing an ECA that isn’t necessarily about exercise like drama which you are on your feet and walking around for an hour.

It is about being a bit sneaky in altering your diet without her noticing.

FWIW Dd sprouted 6” in 6 weeks over one summer at 13

At this age it is about maintaining or maybe losing 1 or 2 lbs and waiting for the growth spurt

Let her have no breakfast then. So what? She won't die.

It's a tough one - my parents were very healthy yet I used all my pocket money to buy junk food. I wasn't overweight technically but was defo chubby. Never had a growth spurt, stayed 5"1. But then after uni I sort of just got over it and stopped associating food with treats and comfort. Have a BMI of 20 now, so it all sorted itself out in the end.

My mum used to make comments about my weight and it didn't help me get thinner, I just felt like shit!

At that age I was just so HUNGRY, whereas nowadays I can just have a porridge, snack and dinner for the day.