I’m wondering how some people lack the ability to understand that people have very different experiences/lives

[Barsh]

Musing really. Couple of threads prompted this and a comment from a friend.

Friend was asking what special talent my autistic nephew has....none really unless you count the ability to make his feelings about wanting chips known...but he isn’t a maths genius or RAinman

Posters piling in on poster who didn’t want her Father with frontal lobe dementia to stay at Christmas. Their experience of dementia was obviously limited to watching a bit of telly...with gentle old grannies being a bit forgetful.

The poster who is trying to clear debt and wants a bit of cheering up being told to go and get a £150 hair cut.

Before I get asked what my point is, I’m not really sure.

The attitude towards posters on MN who can't drive irks me too. I have never learnt to drive,and I can honestly say that there have been very few occasions in my life when I've regretted it. I am not a habitual lift cadger either. But time and time again I get greeted with expressions of surprise or even horror when I say that I can't drive. Some people act as if it is non-negotiable requirement, once you turn 17.
And if I'm perfectly honest,even if I HAD learnt to drive years ago,when I was in good health and better off financially,now that I am disabled and live on disability benefits,there would be absolutely no way I could afford to run a car,what with fuel costs,insurance,road tax etc etc.

I am similar @ALongHardWinter I tried to learn it wasn't for me. People complain about my local area public transport, but I've lived in different areas and it's comparatively excellent. I also find the cost of running a car prohibitive in that if I got one I could run it but then wouldn't be able to afford trips out!!

I “get this” so much. When my lovely DH died I simply couldn’t understand why people were requesting all sorts of things from me. Honestly, only 1 person out of people I considered good friends (that lived locally) asked how they could help me/didn’t ask for something.

Not only did people ask for my husbands belongings but passwords to things or for me to print photos for them/their friends.

Even when he was ill I found myself leaving the hospital bed as per the 2 person rule or sharing my food with them as they’d not stopped by a shop (I was living in the hospital with him).

Before that when I had trouble with a landlord my mum with a straight face said “why don’t you buy then?” On another occasion I was proud of my very small emergency fund and saying how I felt on top of things and she said she couldn’t have less than £40k in her fund.

I wonder if I’m now one of the people lacking empathy as I have no time for people who were thoughtless towards me. I still talk to them etc but I give them no energy or time I’m not happy to give.

I hope it hasn’t made me harsh now to be honest

YANBU. It's because a lot of people are very stupid.

My eyes glaze over or my ears shut when I see or hear 'Can't you just . . . '

The Aldi/Lidl, you'd think we all live in towns.

@Mistlewoeandwhine I think your husband has a very good point. A lot of my older relatives are like this.

I'm almost dreading Christmas Day this year (I'm hosting for 15), as the inevitable awful judgements about people will be given. They really don't care about anyone different to themselves, and any alternative POV that I attempt is met with judgements about how people who are struggling have bought it all on themselves through being lazy, stupid, criminal, over-procreating etc etc. Argh!

@SourAndSnippy I didn't say you can’t be empathetic if you don’t read fiction because everyone I know who doesn’t read fiction is awful but I do think fiction gives you an insight into other worlds and experiences you can never have yourself.

I'm the same Patronus, in my case after cancer. Those who didn't turn up, speak to me or show they cared are out. I am simply not interested in them. I wasn't expecting any grand gestures, just a basic humanity.

Now there's something that 'people' have a hard time seeing it from your POV: cancer. Same category as bereavement where people, literally, cross the street to avoid you and say to others "I thought I'd leave them alone" as if they're doing some great thing. Pah, they were too frightened to speak to the bereaved/cancer sufferer so they ignored them or treated them like an object.

Terrible grammar! But good to get THAT off my chest 😆

Those who have experienced mental health issues have that in common with people with cancer @springydaff I discussed it with my counsellor and she drew a parallel.

Funnily enough, memes about supporting people with MH and cancer are extremely popular on Facebook, if only those virtue signalling practiced what they preached...

Absolutely! I can't bear the cancer ads - lalala keep cancer away because we're terrified of it!

As for mh, I keep that quiet.

I know some people and they have no idea of what it's like to live in the real world. The live in a world where they have good health, decent jobs, plenty of money, in their own little bubble ect.
They will never try to put themselves in another person's shoes. They never think before they speak or will avoid you when they think or know you need help, support or friendship.

One of my friends has an austic child who is now doing well. In the past she had a few very hard years with them and was constantly fighting to get the help and support the child needed. My friend has let several so called friendships fizzle out then because of a lack of empathy, broken promises or being used in the past.

I have another friend who's is on a disability payment but their family have money. Their mother will tell them about all the bills she has to pay. This woman has a pension of apox £480 a week along with no rent, mortgage or car payment and a lump sum in more than one bank.
My friend is living on apox £200 a week. They recently had to listen to their siblings tell an in-law above how well some of the investments they made in the past did so well. Between their mother claiming poverty and the siblings rubbing their wealth in my friend has had enough of their total lack of ability to understand that their life is not easy on a limited budget.
My friend is making plans to improve their own situation which will effect their selfish mother and mean siblings in time.

Yet these people who show no care, consideration or empathy expect the world to rally around when they need help. They expect others to drop all when they hit a bad patch. Do they do not realise that unless you show empathy to people and be a friend when people need it you won't get sympathy or help when you hit a bad patch.

My DMs version of empathy is "I had that but worse". My FIL has vascular dementia and is in the end stages which is very very distressing for my DH and my DM just wants to pick over every detail without seeing how much my DH doesn't want to do that. Makes comments like "well I reckon i have early stages myself" because she couldn't find her keys.
Everything is about her and if it isnt and it cant be made to be , then she is violently opposed to it. Or it hasn't happened.

I’m not sure I agree about reading fiction, it will still depend on your own character and what you’re actually reading. I do read a lot of fiction but I’m no less empathetic than my husband who doesn’t - he’s just more interested in reading about real people’s lives than fictional characters. He is still getting the same insights, just via a different kind of prose.

The most damaging example I saw of this was a peer counsellor in a BF organization. I was having a terrible time, cracked nipples that were leaking blood, I honestly fantasized about dying and I was told they'd be a great help. She was almost enamoured by my situation and was genuinely flabbergasted and went to great lengths to tell me she had found bf sooooo easy! She was so smug into the bargain, going on about how as she was so relaxed as a mum it meant that her baby was too I heard her next baby was a complete nightmare and she was demented with sleep deprivation and BF issues and that really brightened my day.

I do think that perhaps if you think you are empathetic you may well not be (or not as much as you imagine). I like to think I can understand different lives and points of view and how different experiences will lead to that etc, but I also know that sometimes I may never understand why other people do things differently to how I would and it’s still ok!

I don't think you necessarily have to understand the other point of view just accept that it exists and other people have different experiences.

Ok I worded that perhaps how I did not intend. My point was - I’m wary of people who think they are super empathetic

No, I understand what you mean. A bit like people (Trump) who think they are really intelligent. I just mean you don't always have to understand exactly why someone thinks or does what they do but you do need to accept that their experiences, location, financial situation etc are different from yours.

Actually, I think other people can just fuck off 🎅

@VanyaHargreeves regarding @Ilady 's post regarding her friend receiving disability benefit and the friend's family having money.

She was absolutely not saying that the friend shouldn't receive the benefit because her family had money. She was saying that her poor friend had to struggle on a limited amount of money via benefits yet the friend's family who had money themselves didn't understand the difficulties that the friend had.

My apologies I read if as two separate friends

Sourandsnippy, it's actually not just fiction,it's reading/watching stuff about real people and their lives, either now or in the past, understanding how people behave, why they do things, what is behind their behaviour. It's just one thing, not everyone who doesn't do fiction or things about people will lack empathy, it's looking at people's behaviour, if that was the only thing in someone, it's just a difference, but, as part of a pattern of behaviour it would be a red flag for me