I’m wondering how some people lack the ability to understand that people have very different experiences/lives

[Barsh]

Musing really. Couple of threads prompted this and a comment from a friend.

Friend was asking what special talent my autistic nephew has....none really unless you count the ability to make his feelings about wanting chips known...but he isn’t a maths genius or RAinman

Posters piling in on poster who didn’t want her Father with frontal lobe dementia to stay at Christmas. Their experience of dementia was obviously limited to watching a bit of telly...with gentle old grannies being a bit forgetful.

The poster who is trying to clear debt and wants a bit of cheering up being told to go and get a £150 hair cut.

Before I get asked what my point is, I’m not really sure.

I know what you mean, I've lived pay check to pay check having to clip coupons and claim food stamps, I've also employed cleaners & gardeners. I been made unemployed, I have an autistic child (actually is super bright and musically talented) ... one of the factors in my marriage break up was he couldn't get that he was privileged and was upset I couldn't find a job paying £50k after 10 years out raising the kids and being sacked (from a lower paying job) for taking constant leave due to dd not coping. He still doesn't get it - I actually think he's autistic himself

This is the thread - some awful responses from posters who clearly have absolutely no idea of the realities of a parent with dementia:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3762278-Can-we-tell-them-not-come-for-Xmas?msgid=92133387

Empathy is pretty difficult. It requires a lot of imagination, a lot of self-awareness, a lot of compassion and good listening/questioning skills. A longstanding avid interest in the world around you helps too.

Empathy is not imagining how you might feel in a situation and assuming that that is how another person feels, but that is what a lot people seem to do.

"I know how you feel" is rarely true.

Sympathy - just being kind - is a lot easier though.

I agree with you completely

Surely a lot of empathy is just common sense though too.

I mean, I've had a symptom-free menopause. Pretty much nothing at all. But I know that I am lucky, that it's not the same for everyone and I can sympathise with women who tell me about their sleepless nights, hot flushes, anxiety etc. I know telling them how I live isn't going to help them with their menopause, I am just genetically lucky. Eating a cream cake a day or getting a dog, or hoovering once a week isn't going to 'cure' their menopausal symptoms, even if it's 'what I do'.

Maybe emotional intelligence is more the term we should use?

Not only have absolutely no idea, but simply won't be told.

Every other post someone would point out that many dementia sufferers get extremely distressed on realising they're not in their normal surroundings or that chances are pretty high they won't realise it's Christmas Day today anyway; then the very next poster would say "waah waah left in their own house on Christmas Day you meanie"

(I left long before the end. And I'm not the one actually dealing with my father.)

The dementia thread was heartbreaking.
Some people are so sanctimonious and have their heads shoved so far up their arses that they just can't see anyway but their way.
I pity these one dimensional people with no empathy or ability to reason.

My husband says that right wing people just basically lack empathy and the ability to imagine themselves in another person’s shoes.

I couldn't keep reading that thread where OP's parents had dementia. Some of the lack of understanding and empathy for the OP was truly shocking. That sort of reaction makes me very reticent about sharing information about my own situation in RL for fear of being judged. Dementia is brutal and it is not a benign condition. Its effects are felt not only by the sufferer, but severely impact carers and relatives. Having a dementia sufferer to stay overnight, even for one night, can be very very stressful for all involved, not just the person themselves.

I've thought this a lot recently OP so many odd threads like

"Why do people like Hot Chocolate as a thing?"

Or "Am I the only one who?"

Answer 1 : Different people, different things

Answer 2 : with 7 billion people on this rock, obviously you aren't the only one who hasn't watched a TV series, Ms Tedious

Agree with @beachcomber70 about the level of misconceptions around fostering.

Also the number of people who believe adoption is still what it was in 1950s-1970s and throw it out there at grieving, infertile posters

I remember a thread when a woman was so struggling to cloth her DC financially she stole trousers from the school lost property.

Some Lady Bountiful popped up and suggested she might try downshifting to Primark

Yes because a woman WOULD resort to theft if they had a few pounds spare for Primark trousers

I think lots of people ( dh sometimes being one ) are too fixed in their thinking. "I think this so therefore it is a fact". No flexibility. No accounting for different lives or different taste. It's quite arrogant really.

My mother's favourite saying was:

"I only want what's best for you, dear"

Despite the fact that what she thought was best wasn't necessarily what I either thought was best or what I actually wanted. She had absolutely no concept of the idea that other people had different opinions to hers, and that they were equally valid.

My mil is like this but she’s very very open and aware. She knows she’s had a certain life experience and she struggles to understand others’. It’s exacerbated by having no one else to talk to and yet she is really keen to understand and find out about other people. I find it very humbling and love her the more for it.

You see it all the time on the “How can you vote for the Tories?” threads.

There’s always users who say “just give me one reason. I just want to understand” and then when given said reasons reply back how that posters reasons are wrong.

Ds1 is autistic. The only friends who really "get" it are those who also have autistic children.

One close friend has children who are very enthusiastic about school work, revsion and are Grade 9 achieving students. She has no concept of what it is like to manage day in day out with my son and just thinks l need to be more strict etc. She also thinks I should take the schools side if there are issues there as her DD are 100% well behaved. However she has never had to fight for support or for her child to actually get the education they deserve

Some people just don't have empathy.

Yeah I am not a Tory voter but I know people who are, and though I don't agree i do understand their "take" on issues and how they should be solved is just different from mine.

It's like my current favourite TV show is Peaky Blinders

This isn't hard to understand but also doesn't make anyone who doesn't share my regard THE WORST PERSON EVER

The one that gets me is how people don't recognise there are other, thriving, cultures on the planet - not just ours! And ours isn't necessarily the best, either.

For me I have cut people out of my life due to lack of empathy. The worst ones were those I had intense friendships with - only it turned out that they were gatekeepers to mental health issues and when my MH went down the toilet it was a like a howling desert of (lacking) empathy. Similarly, people being 'helpful' when jobseeking like 'you're so intelligent you'll get a job soon'. Nope. Above a certail level it makes it harder since (a) they think you will leave like a bat out of hell for a better off and (b) its never a good thing if you creep out the interviewers and put them on the defensive.

Totally agree, OP. It's partly sheer stupidity and partly narrow-mindedness and an 'I'm alright Jack' attitude. We can all sometimes be a bit ignorant about things outside our direct experience, but there's no excuse for refusing to learn from those around you.

One of the things I love most about MN is that it does show you how others live, and what they've experienced.
I have learnt so much on here.

Of course, one needs to try and keep an open mind to continue to learn...

My mum once was talking to her GP about depression. They were going through a rough patch and worried about how they would pay the bills and feed everyone. GP's suggestion? A nice holiday to get away from your worries for a while. Some people are just clueless about how others live.

On a thread about empathy
My husband says that right wing people just basically lack empathy and the ability to imagine themselves in another person’s shoes.
The irony is massive

Yes completely agree OP. Its particularly bad with children I find. A poster will say 'i cant work out how to do x as my baby wont sleep in the pram'and then someone comes along and says 'they are so portable, they will just nap in the pram. Mine did'.

I agree, it happens on so many topics too. If a poster says their car has broken down they'll get a barrage of comments saying not to be so lazy, just walk. Not so easy if you live in the depths of the countryside. I can never tell how much it's a lack of being able to process another view, and how much of it's wilful.