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Original poster

If you have good boundaries why do you think that is ?

58 replies

Lardlizard · 02/12/2019 23:58

?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardlizard · 02/12/2019 23:58

I’m getting there with age

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 03/12/2019 00:03

Yes I think age and experience are contributory factors. I didn't have good boundaries when younger.

DramaAlpaca · 03/12/2019 00:05

Oh yes. Postmenopausal now and don't take any nonsense from anyone. It's very refreshing & liberating.

aufaitaccompli · 03/12/2019 00:07

Through a LOT of trial and error. Realising that sonetimes the outcome I fear the most from confrontation or disagreements could actually be what's best for me if that makes any sense?
My boundaries were skewed for such a long time. They could be stronger, but on the whole not doing too bad.

I'm generally a cooperative person and find it harder to enforce boundaries with those that aren't (looking at you exH)

Sometimes I feel I'll never quite get a good enough balance to make me believe that I'M good enough.

Thestrangestthing · 03/12/2019 00:08

I take things that others do that annoy me and learn from them.

Ginkypig · 03/12/2019 01:12

Partly a huge conscious choice to work hard on my worth which results in boundaries because I had various abuse and significant traumatic experiences as a child/young adult so I felt I had to put work into making sure I wouldn't end up in the cycle of being damaged therefore attracting more damage.

also partly what others have said age has made me more confident and more comfortable with who I am as a person so I don't really care what others think of me (as long I'm not being a bitch obviously) and then similar to another poster the absolute worst that can happen can't be worse than
a, what's happened to me before.
B, nothing that I can't deal with ie not going to ruin my life or kill me.
C, if something goes against the hard work Iv put in to myself/my life then on principle it would be worse for me to go against that!

ffswhatnext · 03/12/2019 01:42

From my late teens/early twenties I had the mind set of my body, my choice and I have stuck with it ever since.

I'm not talking about the sexual element, but anything that involved any part of my body. Because ultimately that's what it should mean.

From there my boundaries have been solid. If I don't want to do something I am not doing it. If people don't like it, well that is their problem to deal with it.

Notsurehowtofixit · 03/12/2019 02:05

Coming from a big family. You'd get nothing if you didn't fight for it. Hesitate for one second and someone would pop up like, you want this? Can I have it? Or make you do something you didn't want to.

To the point where I don't even understand the boundaries issue, tbh. Never had a problem telling people to stuff off.

MatildeHidalgo · 03/12/2019 02:10

I don't understand the question and none of the replies have enlighted me!

NorthEndGal · 03/12/2019 02:12

I learned the hard way when I was young.

7salmonswimming · 03/12/2019 02:16

High self esteem and self respect.

WWlOOlWW · 03/12/2019 03:34

Watching my parents have good boundaries coupled with having good self esteem and confidence (also contributed to by my parents).

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2019 04:16

I've always had very strong boundaries. I don't take shit from anyone. I thank my parents for that.

BabyEI · 03/12/2019 07:21

" Having good boundaries" for me is having a strong moral compass. I find abhorrent, inequality and injustice of any kind. Sometimes difficult but necessary I try to empathise rather than judge but that doesn't mean I take any rubbish from anyone. If I'm hurt by any remark or action, I try not to dwell on it but speak to the person whose actions have hurt me in some way. It's not easy, you have to be brave, and you can often be called "too sensitive" but personally, living my life this way gives me a greater feeling of self-worth.

Original poster
Lardlizard · 03/12/2019 07:22

aufaitaccompli Yes that makes total sense
The potential fallout is less worse then you compromising your boundaries
Totally agree

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 03/12/2019 07:56

Absolutely luck of the draw that the stork delivered me to a loving, happy couple.

My Dad was kind and gentle. He loved my Mum, and thought the world of me. My Mum was loving and maternal, but she didn't suffer fools. My relationship model was ideal. My wider community was also filled with lots of stable, content couples.

'Boundaries', as a concept, isn't something I've ever had to think or worry about. Kind of like, you don't worry about money, if you have a lot of it.

My ex-boyfriends are all lovely men. DH is the best sort of man.

I can't take any credit for any of this. Kind of the opposite of 'there but for the grace of God. God graced me big time (not that I believe in that, but YKWIM). Pure, dumb luck.

CopperPottery · 03/12/2019 08:03

Manipulative, controlling parents, I can spot that shit at 100 paces.

Ginfordinner · 03/12/2019 08:09

Self confidence that comes with age and experience
Being fortunate enough to to be surrounded by controlling arseholes, OR maybe the controlling arseholes knowing that trying to cross a boundary won't work with me

EvaHarknessRose · 03/12/2019 08:09

Having a non abusive childhood with parents who didn't have additional challenges and not having experienced bullying and being lucky enough to be treated well in early relationships. Not that these would rule out good boundaries but they don't help. I like the Shark Cage article about boundaries - how different people might respond to the pushy guy in the bar wanting to buy them a drink.

Randomdogbite · 03/12/2019 08:11

I think I’m happy with myself and am surrounded by other people who are happy with me as well. I understand that it’s important to protect myself and my life I’ve made so don’t let any negative influence in. When I had children it became more intense definitely. I suppose some of it is taking the blame away from yourself and allowing yourself to be sure it’s them and not you. This also allows me to continue friendships and family relationships that could be difficult as I don’t allow things under my skin as it’s not my fault therefore nothing I can change!

fatoneatthegym · 03/12/2019 09:44

Being a Londoner! There's always so many people in our way that you often have to ask people to move, otherwise you'd never get anywhere. A lot of my boundary-setting is non-verbal stuff like putting my hand on my hip if a man is standing too close behind. On the tube and on Oxford Street, you can often tell who's a visitor just by the way they stand or the way they walk.

nibdedibble · 03/12/2019 09:57

I have a well-developed sense of justice and what's right and what's clearly wrong. I don't know where this came from. My father did always tell me I can be what I want and I am no worse than anyone else, it must have stuck. Sadly he also tried to tell me I am no better than anybody else and I always found that damaging so I got away and did my own thing.

My family sadly was quite challenging in many ways and perhaps leaving them behind at a fairly early age and forging my own path without recourse to them or requiring any approval from them was a help in building boundaries. Though I could just as easily have looked for other people to get approval from. I just never found the approval of certain people was enough for me, if that makes sense.

I had a toxic, manipulative boyfriend for a short while quite early on, as well as a childhood friendship with someone I now know is a narcissistic personality type, so I think I was 'trained' to spot those traits. I'd experience them talking to me and just think 'this is NOT right' and I'd shut down. I do it now if "friends" show those traits. It's easy to let people fade.

I absolutely love the people I can see behave with justice, compassion and honour, who do the right thing even if it's hard, and I try to be the same (as someone said below, speaking up when you have been wronged, or I'd add if you have inadvertently wronged someone, is hard).

I suspect there are several therapy sessions here...one way or another!

Original poster
Lardlizard · 03/12/2019 15:18

I do agree if you’ve had a difficult childhood with less than stable parents this is soemthing you have to learn
It’s a learned skill

For people that haven’t gone through that, I can see why you don’t even think about boundaries as you just naturally have them you’ve not had to work on them and develop them

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lazylinguist · 03/12/2019 15:26

For people that haven’t gone through that, I can see why you don’t even think about boundaries as you just naturally have them you’ve not had to work on them and develop them

^ This. Tbh it's only by reading the Relationships board on MN that I've learned how many women have poor boundaries and why that might be. I think it's mostly down to good fortune in your upbringing and early relationships.

I was lucky enough to have a very stable, happy upbringing. I think my main strength relationship-wise is that even as a teenager I would always far rather have remained single than got into a relationship with someone who wasn't good for me.

Original poster
Lardlizard · 03/12/2019 15:31

Eva what is that Shark Cage article about boundaries

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