If you have good boundaries why do you think that is ?

[Lardlizard]

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BertieBotts such a good post.

I had one fantastic parent and one horrible one. The good parent gave me excellent self esteem. The bad parent taught me not to concede.

High self worth, absolutely. I love myself very much indeed, and go to enormous lengths to make sure I have a happy, comfortable and worry free life. My mother is a martyr, and I think I learned how to be happy by watching her struggle to assert herself.

I am pleased that I needed to learn boundaries, and learning how to form them was an important stage for me, rather than just coming from a place where it came naturally as with some others. I am not sure I would spot a lack of boundaries in my own children otherwise, if it were not for the effort and care I have taken to ensure I have them if that makes sense? You really only know how important boundaries are, when you don't have them! It was often the sweetest girls that were taken for a ride.

I would be worried about complacency if I came from a place where they were not needed for my whole life. It is only by learning the 'harder' way can I give them the value they deserve, and to prioritise them when raising my own children. We have a very stable and respectful family dynamic, and my own teens have never known anything or anyone else. I do believe we are a magnet to those that are the same, and our friends and family are like us in many ways. However it is not to say that life will be so narrow as to never invite challenges or difficulties along the way (lets hope not) so children need to also know what to do in those situations, even if they have had little or no exposure.

Maybe you haven't been in many situations where they have been tested, Merchant?

I am good at avoiding bullshitters, piss takers and hanger ons now. Because of my experience with emotional abuse/controlling relationships I can recognise it and I just don't go there.

Perhaps it is not those specific things, but for me, my experience of actually having to uphold boundaries and say "Actually, no, I'm not going to do that/it's not OK with me if you do that" does generally involve - not necessarily upsetting people, because of course most people are emotionally healthy and are perfectly happy to listen to this kind of thing, but the potential to upset somebody.

One example comes to mind - when DS1 was about 3 or 4, he was invited to a nursery friend's house after nursery one day. I went too, since he was little, and while the children were playing in the garden, the mum took me to one side and said "My partner smokes weed sometimes, is that a problem for you?" I was taken aback because I didn't expect to be asked that, but I didn't want to upset her, so I said "Oh, no, it's fine" but then - as they proceeded to light up in the garden right next to me and very close to where the children were playing - spent the whole rest of the playdate feeling anxious and upset and trying to think of an excuse to leave ASAP without being rude or it being obvious why I was leaving. I did not manage to leave for another hour and a half because she offered to cook for the children which I accepted.

My motivation - not to upset her or make her feel judged - overrode my protective instinct for my child and also my personal boundary. I didn't feel it was safe or appropriate to have my child playing near weed smoke, but I felt that to object would have somehow been worse. I can see, objectively, that it wouldn't have been, but it must have felt that way in the moment or I would have just said "Actually, could you not?"

That's why I say I'm poor at boundaries. Although I think I might be better now than I was then, I think I would still struggle if caught off guard like that to say no.

Age, plus, either by design or experience I'm a cynical old cow.

Was ever thus.

If it effects my emotional well-being I put in boundaries. I've lost friends but it just shows that they were the users.

Good further reading:

www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/04/22/personal-boundaries-part-i-an-introduction-to-boundaries/