Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I’m a rubbish mum. Pre teen dd attitude 😩

67 replies

Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 08:35

My darling daughter who is 12 in February has turned evil over night.

She tells me she hates me, calls me an idiot, slams doors, shouts at me.

I’m at breaking point. She refuses to hand over her phone to me etc.

Dh is too much of a push over and barely tells her off or when she speaks to me like rubbish.

It’s mostly in the mornings, when she takes forever to get ready. This morning she was upstairs for 29 and only had taken her pj bottoms off. We wake her at 7 to leave for 8.20. Every morning we have to tell her to brush her teeth, put spray on 😩

I’m so upset. I feel like Iv lost control and all I do is shout. Would a parenting course help?

She finally handed her phone over this morning, left for school and slammed to door shut which shook the house practically. 5 mins later she came back and asked for her phone! Dh said no way and she slammed the door again.

I feel like a crap mum.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 02/12/2019 08:41

How long will you remove the phone for? For that sort of attitude I’d remove for at least a week and let her know she can earn the reward of having it back.
I’d also refuse to wake her, at 12 she should be setting her own alarm and waking herself. Same as washing, teeth etc.
If she doesn’t do this, the other kids will soon notice and call her out in it. I’m sure then she’d start washing pretty quickly!
However this could also be a warning sign of depression, so I would try going in gently and talking to her about how she’s feeling and personal hygiene but tow a tight line re attitude.

Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 08:43

I’d normally give it her back by this evening 😩😩

Il keep it for a few days.

She sets her alarm and “doesn’t hear it”.

A few times Iv left it until 7.30 to wake her and then she’s even worse because she’s going to be late.

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 02/12/2019 08:43

DH is as much as a problem as DD.
If she refuses to hand phone over, you need to take it and keep hold of it for a week.
I didn't see any mention of penalities in your post I'm afraid.

So, what are you both going to do about her behaviour this morning? She was rude, she slammed the door, she demanded her phone. That's 3 strikes to me.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 08:45

I’m a pushover too I suppose. I worry that they will hate me and go off the rails. It’s my biggest fear, which is exactly what I did and ended up having her at 16.

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 02/12/2019 08:47

I’m a pushover too I suppose. I worry that they will hate me and go off the rails. It’s my biggest fear

Sorry if this sounds harsh OP, but there you have it. Cause and effect.

Your job is to parent, not satisfy some need in you to be liked (and I hear this all the time, I'm not singling you out Smile )

MsChatterbox · 02/12/2019 08:48

Do you spend much time together alone? Could you sit down with her and say you don't like where the relationship is heading and you would like to try to improve things. Maybe a reward of something she really wants to do at the weekend if she is respectful all week?

Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 08:51

Yeah, we’ve said we are off to the cinema soon just us two.

We do need to spend more time together.

I feel awful.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 02/12/2019 08:55

My ds went off the rails when exh didn't have boundaries.
On day age 14 he announced he was living with me ft.
Went nc with useless df..
You do your dd a disservice being a walkover ime...
Having a phone at 12 isn't a right....

Elieza · 02/12/2019 08:56

You have a DH problem. He needs to be involved more and be her parent not her friend. You and she need his participation.

What would have prevented you going off the rails at 16?

Your parents having a good talk to you?
Being treated like a young adult more?

Just trying to think if she is like you then what you would have appreciated as it may work for her? (Ps I don’t mean letting her have her phone, she’s not old enough for that yet, you should have the pin and the phone overnight nightly and remove it as a privilege when she’s naughty as that’s what most people deem acceptable).

Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 08:58

Having a phone at 12 isn’t right? 😐

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 08:59

What would have prevented me was having love at home. My parents were older and they thrown money at me rather than love or attention.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 02/12/2019 09:01

Isn't a right. It's a privilege imo...
She is 12....

Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 09:02

I’m fully aware she is 12.

She also goes secondary so sometimes has after school clubs etc, so I like she can contact me and tell me, and let me know when she’s on the way home.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 02/12/2019 09:03

It can be a vicious circle of negativity unfortunately. She’s at an age when her world is starting to spin. That doesn’t make it acceptable but helps us understand the conflicting information she’s getting from many sources is a challenge. She needs your help to navigate through adolescence successfully.
Your husband and you need to talk about supporting each other but not being too punitive.
When she’s in a nice mood, take her for a hot chocolate, tell her you love her but find it upsetting and ask her what her solutions might be. Ask her what rules are fair and listen.
Catch her being lovely. Cook with her, shop with her, go to cinema together. Stop social media or peers having more influence than you.

Why an hour and a half to get ready? I’m not a morning person and would struggle to be nice an hour earlier than I need to. Why nag her? She’s old enough to take responsibility for getting dressed. Step back a bit. Buy her an alarm clock. Don’t rely on her phone. Set expectations. Leave her to sort herself out. Let her take the consequences. Her friends will tell her if she smells soon enough. I suspect she will just get on and get ready. Nagging slows them down.

Paddy1234 · 02/12/2019 09:04

Teenage girls can be absolutely vile. End of. They all think the world revolves around them. They are pretty clever at it as well - they can make themselves 'nice' to get what they want and then revert back to Satan straight away.
As you can see I am in the middle of it and can see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel!
Good luck ❤️

CherryPavlova · 02/12/2019 09:04

Get rid of the phone except for the journey to and from school.

Devereux1 · 02/12/2019 09:06

She also goes secondary so sometimes has after school clubs etc, so I like she can contact me and tell me, and let me know when she’s on the way home.

Does she have a simple phone to call you, or a smart phone?

AlexaShutUp · 02/12/2019 09:09

Hmm. A lot of people on here will disagree with me, but personally, I don't think that confiscating her phone is the way to resolve this. However, I don't really believe in punishments full stop, because I don't think they work.

If you make your relationship with dd all about power and control, she is going to spend the next few years trying to take that power and control away from you. That's what teenagers do. There is no point in making your relationship more adversarial than it needs to be.

I would spend some time trying to build the relationship between you. Really listen to her. And tell her how you feel when she is disrespectful towards you. Not in a "telling off" type way, but more in a "I feel x when you x" way.

Talk to her about the mornings and tell her that she's older now, so you're going to take a step back from telling her what to do and give her the responsibility. You won't remind her to clean her teeth/put deodorant on, because you presume that she won't want her breath or body to smell either. And if she doesn't do it straight away, she'll very soon learn.

She's not a baby any more, so she needs to be given a bit more responsibility. At the same time, your relationship with her needs to change. Try to ensure that you have more positive interactions with her than negative ones. Reason with her about the stuff that isn't working. Let her know that you're on her side. It makes a huge difference.

HUZZAH212 · 02/12/2019 09:10

Is she going to bed early enough to get a decent sleep? Does she hand her phone over on an evening before bedtime?

Rainbowtheunicorn · 02/12/2019 09:12

This sounds so hard. Parenting is such a challenge at every stage and before you know it, you’re in a situation and struggling to find a way out of these behaviours. 12 is a difficult age, has she recently started her period? Or feeling hormonal?

My advice would be to show her as much love as possible, spend loads of time together as a family BUT set firm boundaries. That includes her father. 3 strikes and she loses her phone for a week. No pocket money/ grounded.

Sit her down and tell her you love her but you can’t go on with this behaviour. Set firm rules so she will know what happens when she breaks them.

Does she have any younger siblings? If so you can tell her how important it is for her to set an example.

It doesn’t mean she’s going to go off the rails, it’s likely just a blip and things will improve soon. I’m sure you’re doing a great job.

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 02/12/2019 09:16

My friends little girl was cheeky, lively but loving and lovely.

She hit 12 and wow.... She became angry a d resentful and adamant that her brother was the favourite a d everyone hated her and was against her.

Don't underestimate what puberty does and how it makes you behave. It's not to get her off the hook as it were re her behaviour but it so is a reason for the anger and upset and she might not be able to put it in words.... I know I couldn't!

Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 09:17

Thank you all.

Her Dh isn’t her biological dad but has been on her life since she was 4, they have such a strong bond which makes me feel even worse. She tells him everything and I’m lucky they have such an amazing relationship.

She has two younger sibling who are 10 & 3.

I’m going to spend more time with her, I love spending time with her and she makes me laugh so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 09:18

She hasn’t started her periods yet but I think she will soon! I was her age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxton20 · 02/12/2019 09:19

She goes bed around 9. Maybe earlier if she’s tired.

I’m going to buy her an alarm clock today and then back off in the mornings.

It’s annoying because her brother just gets up and does it all without me asking lol

OP posts:
KnickerBockerAndrew · 02/12/2019 09:20

Have you tried love bombing? Always works here better than punishment...