I’m a rubbish mum. Pre teen dd attitude 😩

[Foxton20]

My darling daughter who is 12 in February has turned evil over night.

She tells me she hates me, calls me an idiot, slams doors, shouts at me.

I’m at breaking point. She refuses to hand over her phone to me etc.

Dh is too much of a push over and barely tells her off or when she speaks to me like rubbish.

It’s mostly in the mornings, when she takes forever to get ready. This morning she was upstairs for 29 and only had taken her pj bottoms off. We wake her at 7 to leave for 8.20. Every morning we have to tell her to brush her teeth, put spray on 😩

I’m so upset. I feel like Iv lost control and all I do is shout. Would a parenting course help?

She finally handed her phone over this morning, left for school and slammed to door shut which shook the house practically. 5 mins later she came back and asked for her phone! Dh said no way and she slammed the door again.

I feel like a crap mum.

There’s a nice image in Untangled (which someone recommended up-thread) of seeing teenage life as a swimming pool. They’re off having fun in the centre, then it all gets a bit scary and they’re back to you for a cuddle, and then suddenly whoomf, you’re getting kicked as they shove off back to the middle again with their friends. I found it helps to think of the unpleasantness as a necessary consequence of being the side of the pool / holding the boundary.

And I completely agree with keeping her phone downstairs at night - my dd’s phone beeps (downstairs, where I can hear it while watching TV) late into the evening. She’d be very under-slept if she had it in her room.

You feel awful? She behaves like an arsehole but you feel awful?

She should feel awful.

Phone gone for a week until she learns some
respect.

We already have our pact! It’s fab, it turns off at 9pm and not on until 8am

Was she on it all night then?! 😮

What's her relationship like with her dad? Teenagers can be awful for pointing anger in the wrong direction.

Our Pact is really easy to get around and use your phone, particularly if you have the free version.

I can't believe parents will pay a monthly fee rather than just get their child to leave the phone downstairs. Madness.

Thought I’d jump on while she’s at the church youth group.

She came home with the tail between her legs and appologised straight away. I asked her what she was sorry for and she said being rude and slamming the door. Iv told her she’s lost her phone for 48 hours. We spoke and I said it upsets me when she’s rude, and she said I upset her when I nag.

Iv said il back on in the mornings but she told me she doesn’t want me too 😑

Compromise seems to be key. Perhaps tell her once then about breakfast being ready or whatever you usually ‘nag’ about but don’t tell her again?
Discuss with her first so she knows she won’t get multiple reminders.

Wow I'm surprised anyone needs an hour and 20 minutes to get ready in the morning. Is that just for breakfast and getting dressed? If so I'd leave her to it. She can get herself up and ready and out for school. Tell her you will do one warning in the miring at 7.50 and then she's on her own. At that age it's perfectly possible for her to make her own breakfast and get dressed without any parental help.

At 12 mine got themselves up and got their own breakfast, I was downstairs to waive them off but not before (they left an hour before I had to). If you constantly remind you aren't teaching them to be self sufficient - let her get a late detention, it will work trust me. Also get her a proper alarm clock, phones simply aren't loud enough, I sleep through mine

I’m buying her an alarm clock!

Yep, 90 mins to get dressed, breakfast and teeth.

Educate her about the use of the word ‘nagging’, it’s only ever used to describe women (never a man), asking for something reasonable, and getting ignored. It’s the person who feels entitled to use the word who is at fault. Fucking listen the first time. Natural consequences for her then, wants to act the big woman-great! She can learn to cook, she will be doing her own laundry, she’s well old enough and it’s what adults do, along with getting themselves washed and up and prepared for their day. Didn’t bother to get up on time?-natural consequence-she’s late for school and will deal with the detention, didn’t wash her body-she stinks, having tantrums over her phone?-no phone, since she can’t cope with it.

We spoke and I said it upsets me when she’s rude, and she said I upset her when I nag.

And what did you say back to her for such a disrespectful complaint?

Again, I never would have accused my parents of "nagging", let alone say it upsets me. When I see children use this word to their parents it really sounds awful and rude. OP, did you do something about this, or just let it go again?

Meanwhile she's only lost her phone for 48 hours? Is that all? What else for her disgraceful behaviour?

For everyone saying 'take the phone away for a week/48 hours/etc' what do you do when there is further bad behaviour in that period?

I have a nearly teen (who doesn't have a phone yet) but I am not convinced that method would work.

I can see that 'establishing new rules about the phone' might work (eg not in room overnight). But 'Slam the door and the phone is taken away for a week' - what do you do when the door is slammed again on day two?

For everyone saying 'take the phone away for a week/48 hours/etc' what do you do when there is further bad behaviour in that period?

Explain the bad behaviour.
Explain the consequences (not just punitive, consequences on their appearance to the outside world, practical (slamming doors can result in damage), rudeness now and in life and where that leads you etc etc)
The phone will be taken away for longer each time she chooses to behave badly
Other punitive actions, no tv, no going out, more chores etc etc.

There was someone on here who took the door off it’s hinges as the dc was out of order. They had no bedroom door. Presumably as they had been slamming it. Perhaps that could be a threat?

I’d have freaked out if my electricals (hairdryer, Straighteners, games etc) were taken from me. That would make me behave.