I’m a rubbish mum. Pre teen dd attitude 😩

[Foxton20]

My darling daughter who is 12 in February has turned evil over night.

She tells me she hates me, calls me an idiot, slams doors, shouts at me.

I’m at breaking point. She refuses to hand over her phone to me etc.

Dh is too much of a push over and barely tells her off or when she speaks to me like rubbish.

It’s mostly in the mornings, when she takes forever to get ready. This morning she was upstairs for 29 and only had taken her pj bottoms off. We wake her at 7 to leave for 8.20. Every morning we have to tell her to brush her teeth, put spray on 😩

I’m so upset. I feel like Iv lost control and all I do is shout. Would a parenting course help?

She finally handed her phone over this morning, left for school and slammed to door shut which shook the house practically. 5 mins later she came back and asked for her phone! Dh said no way and she slammed the door again.

I feel like a crap mum.

Love bomb her and don’t sweat the small stuff.

If she goes in without teeth brushing or deo her friends will soon tell her she stinks! She needs to learn her own self care not just because she’s being told to.

Dh love bombs her! His motto is that he wants her to feel loved so she doesn’t seek it from social media/her friends/boys when she’s older.

@Foxton20
You are not a crap mum. Any guilt you have you need to try and process, it’s not going to help you or your dd, any feeling of over compensation because of your own shit childhood, ditto.
Love and respect yourself. This is key. Don’t take what she says and does personally.
Spend time with her, love her the way you want, but crucially stand your ground.

DH is clueless then.

Abit rude tbh.

I think he’s doing an amazing job seen as he isnt her biological father and has only a 3 year old. He’s 29 and has stepped up more than their “real” dad

Don't be so hard on yourself, parenting 12-16 year olds is bloody hard work ! Definitely spend some one on one time with her - meal out, cinema, Christmas market. Hormones are all over the place with girls that age.www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/tweens/staying-close. Have a read of that article its really helpful.

My dd is 13yo and I feel your pain op

Hormones def don't help, she has started her periods now and I can see a pattern in her behaviour, which is hideous in the days leading up to it. She tells me herself that she just feels so angry and she doesn't know why.

That said there are consequences for behaviour and confiscating her phone is fairly standard. I get that it's a tricky age but when I feel pissed off for no reason I don't go round shouting at people for no reason (I'd get fired for a start!!)

I've never worried about her hating me, I know I'm not perfect but she could do far worse for a mum and she needs boundaries.

I'd tell her she can have her phone back when she's been nice to both of you for at least 24 hours...

Her Dh isn’t her biological dad but has been on her life since she was 4, they have such a strong bond which makes me feel even worse. She tells him everything and I’m lucky they have such an amazing relationship.

Amazing relationship? Really? I never, ever would have snapped at my father, slammed doors on him etc. Never. It would have been absolutely unacceptable and I would have known, aged 12, that it was rude and a display of contempt for my father.

I’m going to spend more time with her, I love spending time with her and she makes me laugh so much.

Oh dear. The classic response - let's reward bad behaviour with even more of the parental acceptance of her bad behaviour which got us into this mess in the first place, and guess what, let's pile on the love and reward to make us feel better about ourselves.

Sorry OP, I thought you wanted advice to improve the behaviour of your daughter, but you just want advice to make you feel better about yourself. I'm off.

Deveraux, all children are different.

Ds would never have slammed a door or be rude. DD is a frequent rude doorslammer. Yet they were brought up in the same way

Op Try and get hold of the book 'Untangled' by Lisa Damour. It was recommended to me on here and is very good on raising teenage girls.

You are not a crap mother or a failure. Your daughter is beginning the normal adolescent process of cutting herself off from you and your dh. That doesn't mean that you have to tolerate door slamming and rudeness of course, but it means that you can give yourself a break, step back a bit, and try and not take her behaviour so personally.

Keep calm in the eye of the storm and tell your DH that you need his support to back you up. ( Prepare him in advance about this and not just when it is all kicking off. Have a code word or a special 'look' if he is clueless. )
Don't be a pushover, and don't give up on encouraging her to be up and out on time , for example, but keep it all very factual and calm, no shouting or personal criticisms, just calmly state the facts such as "it is 7.30 am and breakfast is ready" or whatever even though her behaviour is driving you crazy inside!

Tell her that you love her a lot (teens need to hear this often) and that you love her but not her behaviour sometimes. Tell her that you will always be available if she needs to talk, but from now on she needs to start taking a bit more responsibility for her own actions. Tell her that she can earn some freedom that way , as freedom is built on trust and following through once you have agreed to do something.

At the same time, do the one-on-one stuff that is enjoyable. That way you don't get in to the negative cycle of all of your interactions being snippy.

It's fine imho to have a phone at 12 for safety reasons. Mine wasn't allowed to keep hers overnight at that age though. And if her phone is your "currency" then use it. Ultimately though, your main disciplinary tool, is your relationship. It's your closeness and love for one another that will stop her going off the rails more than anything else, so keep building on that.

I am four years on from you and things are improving a bit so hang in there. It's a very difficult balance. My mother was far too strict and forgot to foster the feeling that she and I were on the same team. On the other hand, as parents, I do think we need to tweak the discipline a bit if a child is being horribly disrespectful, not least because they will be unhappy if there are constant meltdowns at home, even if they have caused them!

Good luck op. It's a tough road. Hang in there.

Oh and don't worry too much about the hygiene thing as long as the grunge isn't extreme. My DD suddenly transformed from being a soap dodger to a shower hogger, the summer she turned 14!

Finally, finally, another good tip I read on here, is to go out and do something for yourself. Take up a new hobby or interest. Something that makes you independently happy. That way, you will cope with the harsh words with more equilibrium, your emotional well-being won't be so tied to her ups and downs, and you will be modelling to her how to keep happy during a challenging time.

Sit down with her and DH and set boundaries and expectations with clear consequences for when she breaks them.

She's only 12 and dealing with hormones and friendships, boundaries ARE visible love.

Be grateful that you've noticed it now and are prepared to deal with it.

It's not easy, but a little effort ( and pain) now will make her teenage years much easier.

( Also, contact her tutor to check there aren't school issues)

@Devereux1 Parenting is challenging. Dismissing somebody’s feelings is not helpful. It also makes me think that your feelings were dismissed or ignored.
I think that most of what we say or do is a reflection of our own feelings, maybe have a think about why you feel the op just wants validation, because that’s not how I read this situation.

I didn’t read the op’s posts and see a parent seeking to control her DD’s behaviour but rather change the dynamic of their relationship, you don’t do that via control and demands, with any relationship.

Op, this right here is the toughest bit of parenting. The dynamics practically change over night and you’re left to process and catch up entirely on the hop. It will get better.

Speak to your dd, tell her the impact her behaviour is having on you, not as a mother but as a person. Keep it non combative. Tell her that you are worried about your relationship with her and that you would like to look at ways to work on it so you can both feel listened to and respected.

Also, I’d really question removing her phone as a punishment, as a previous poster commented playing power games in a fragile relationship is dangerous.

You have said you and dh are pushovers maybe address that first. Never underestimate how crafty 12year girls can be..they no exactly what makes you tick and can grind you down. You are not her friend you are her mother, you should not be allowing yourself to feel so bad when you are attempting to discipline her, this is what your dd is picking up on and is probably contributing to jer behaviour. Stop trying to focus on being popular with her, she is 12, discipline her appropriately and you will be on unpopular,its normal.

Take her phone off her at night.

In fact, don't "take it off her". Tell her she needs to leave it downstairs charging at 8.30. If its not there at 8.30, confiscate it for a week.

I used to do this with my 12 year old.

@Devereux1 I did all those things and worse to my mum and dad when I was growing up. Yes I was a pretty horrible pre-teen/teen.

I have a fab relationship with my mum now, dad not so much but it’s nothing to do with what I was like then!

OP, I have twin 10 year olds who start secondary next year. They are awful in the mornings - they get themselves up and have breakfast, but the getting ready they are crap at. Every single morning last week they got yelled at to stop fannying around and get bloody dressed! They’ve been told that from September they’ll be expected to not only get themselves ready, but get themselves to and from school on their own and on time.

So obvs take this with a pinch of salt as I’m not quite there yet - but sit down after school when everything is not so fraught and ask her what she wants. Does she want you to wake her and remind her? If she does, she needs to stop being an arsehole in the morning. If she doesn’t, then fine you won’t, but you won’t be digging her out of a hole If she’s late or goes to school smelling gross.

Also make sure she knows that any future outbursts will be treated thusly - buy a cheap phone for about £30 and she can have that; no internet no WhatsApp, just basic calls and texts.

It also makes me think that your feelings were dismissed or ignored.
That's very peculiar of you, as you'd be wrong.

I think that most of what we say or do is a reflection of our own feelings, maybe have a think about why you feel the op just wants validation, because that’s not how I read this situation.
I can easily answer that: read the OP's own words.

Look parenting is tough, and teenagers can be absolute shits! Please ignore anyone telling you their child would never do this or that, it's unhelpful in the extreme. I am on my 4th teen, (she is 16) she is an absolute pet, has never raised her voice or slammed a door, big whoop it doesn't mean I am a great parent, or even that I have learned anything along the way. She is just a great kid. My eldest was an absolute pain, my next was unbelievably easy, the 3rd was tricky, and as I say the 4th is a pet. Number 5 is 10 and is looking to be another tricky one. My point is they are all different, and you have to parent the child YOU have. Make some rules, reasonable ones, tell her them, tell her the consequences, stick with them, then tell her how much you love her. You will clash at times as she tests her boundaries, just stick with the rules and keep on showing her you love her. Your sweet DD is still in there. Imo there is nothing wrong with a 12 year old having a phone, and btw your dh sounds lovely.

I’m with Deadringer. And you have to keep those fun special days with your difficult child. Not only are they enjoyable, but it is much easier to talk in a non confrontational attitude. Inside that ball of fury is a nice person trying to get out.

And my daughter had a phone at 12 too. It’s no big deal.

The pp said a phone isn’t a right, not it’s not right btw.

My dd had a phone at 12 but not in her room overnight.

Earlier on I didn’t mean she wasn’t old enough to have a phone I meant she’s not old enough for you to NOT know her phone pin and have access to check she is using her phone safely (and do that routinely)
And to have it downstairs overnight is sensible (or the blue light phones emit if she uses it an hour prior to bedtime can cause sleep issues, plus she may be on it half the night and crabbit the next day because if that, while telling you she went to bed at x time which wasn’t when she stopped using her device)!

I have a shitty pay as you go old brick of a phone which is offered to DS on the rare occasion he has had his phone taken off of him (you can buy a shit phone for £10 if you're worried about her being able to contact you).

Ds is more bothered about losing out on activities so him not being driven somewhere is more of a weapon in my arsenal.

I also try not to get into arguements with him unless it's something which is important to me. Try not to sweat the small stuff. If she doesn't clean her teeth really that's her choice, she'll start to have bad breath but if you've told her that them I'd let her choose. Pick your battles.

Install our pact all on her phone and you can switch it off remotely without having to take the phone away.
I would just let her be late and she can deal with the consequences. She'll turn nice again around 25 😄

*app not all