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Original poster

DH ill, adult DD needs me too

100 replies

ibdcanfeckoff · 01/12/2019 18:30

DH has an inflammatory bowel disease, has done for many years, but it's progressively getting worse. This flare up started 2 weeks ago and it is a doozy..he's going to the toilet at least once every 2 hours, day and night. the last time it was like this he ended up in hospital for 6 weeks. He is on various immunosuppressants and anti inflammatory meds and GP recently started him on a high dosage course of steroids, so is in an altogether shitty (no pun intended) frame of mind.
DD has recently given birth by c-section, mum and baby doing well, but obviously she needs a bit more help with chores etc. her OH has now gone back to work and although i said i would help out, now i dont feel i can leave DH alone when he is so ill. he cant even get upstairs without my help, he's sleeping on the sofa so he can be close to the downstairs loo. (upstairs bathroom is up a smaller flight of stairs from bedroom) and i'm on two armchairs pushed together because sometimes he is so weak after going to the loo that he cant get back to the lounge without my help.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. DD knows her dad is ill and is worried sick about him, and insisting i don't worry about helping her out, but i worry that she will be trying to do too much, too soon and could end up hurting herself.
i just cant seem to find a way to help both of them.ConfusedSad
sorry if this is rambly but i'm tired and worried and feel guilty

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 01/12/2019 18:35

So dh is self sufficient except when he gets stuck? How far away is dd's house? Is it practical to go there but both you and dh have your mobiles on your person at all times so he can call if he gets stuck?
Or what about cooking (at your house) some meals for dd and then just popping them over to her, maybe taking back a load of washing to do for her and bring it back done with some more meals/snacks?
You sound very kind and caring.

CatFaceCats · 01/12/2019 18:38

Honestly, I’d stay with your DH.
He is ill, and physically needs you there.
As for your daughter, yes she is post section, but I’m guessing since she is a few weeks past then she can get around fine. She needs to just leave the housework and stuff for now, she has an able partner to help her after work.
I’m sure she understands and would probably feel bad if you left her dad and came to clean her house. Perhaps send her some cash so they can get a take-away? Or could you take the baby for a few hours for her to get a wee break?

JasonPollack · 01/12/2019 18:41

Short visits where you deliver food and collect laundry? I would have found that so helpful. In general though I think your DH must take priority if he is so ill.

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Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2019 18:43

Your husband needs to come first in this situation. He is seriously ill, your daughter is not. If she needs help, it is her husband's responsibility to make sure she's getting the support she needs. Like you said, she and the baby are both doing well. They will be fine and the household chores can wait. Of course you want to help her with the new baby, but your husband is in a very fragile state and needs you to be there.

yummychoccy · 01/12/2019 18:47

Can you afford to hire your daughter a post partum doula or mothers help?

Selfsettling3 · 01/12/2019 18:48

I’ve had a c section with complications and I would want you to stay with your DH. Is it DDs Dad? Can her partner take some holiday time to help at home?

I like the pp suggestion about making food, perhaps her partner can drop off their washing if they wanted fir you to do.

My DH IBD, does DH have a specialist nurse he can contact or can he get an emergency appointment with his consultant?

ShootTheRunner · 01/12/2019 18:48

My mum didn't really help me out post section and I managed! Also, if you lived far away she'd have to manage. I know you must feel pulled in all directions but I think your DD and her DH will muddle through just fine like lots of others do. It seems like DH might need you more right now. Hope things improve for everyone soon Flowers

Ilikesweetpeas · 01/12/2019 18:49

You sound lovey! As others have said your DH sounds more in need of your support. As someone who had a section I would have appreciated you doing my was hung and ironing and bringing some meals found that I could re-heat. Is that an option? Look after yourself too Thanks

Windinmyhair · 01/12/2019 18:52

Buy/cook meals for your daughter and take them round there every now and again. Or even give her some cash for a takeaway if you can afford it more than her. Text her to know you are thinking of her, and to call if she wants a chat.

BUT. Your daughter will be ok. Your DH is ill - he needs you

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2019 18:53

Agree it depends in distance. A home cooked meal and the odd load of washing up would go down great if you can do it as a flier or get her DH to collect and deliver? Perhaps she can GET her DH to drop her at yours one day?

BackforGood · 01/12/2019 18:55

Oh bless you. How difficult Flowers

I think you need to stay with your dh. You can't really ask / expect other people to support him with that, but your dd will be able to ask others in her community (friends, and he dp's family) and explain that her Mum can't help as her Dad is so poorly.

mrsbyers · 01/12/2019 18:55

I’ve had crohns for 20 years and now have an ileostomy , if your husband is so unwell he can’t manage a few stairs then he should be in hospital or at the very least be having his bloods checked very regularly - does he have a designated IBD nurse ? I’d give them a call - IV steroids would be a much quicker and better option than tablets and he’s possibly not absorbing them anyway

TheRightHonerable · 01/12/2019 18:55

My mum would be exactly like you. I have a dad with a long term health condition and an due my first baby shortly.
She’s already started fussing about ‘what if he has a flare up’...etc but there’s just nothing to be done it is what it is.

I love my mum and we’re super close but honestly I view my being taken care of post birth to be mine/DH’s responsibility.
If I were your DD and I were struggling I would expect DH to take time off work to help rather than DM leaving DF for me.

Men get paternity leave yes, but they’re also entitled to emergency childcare time off the same as women are. If your DD were too unwell to take care of DC then her DH should be telling work there’s nobody to care for him newborn DC so he will need to be off 👍🏻

museumum · 01/12/2019 18:57

Stay with your dh. Your dd’s partner should see about some extra time off or using some annual leave even if just half days.

SpaceDinosaur · 01/12/2019 18:57

How far between your home and your DDs?

OrangeZog · 01/12/2019 18:58

I’ve had four c sections with various complications and one where DH worked away during the week and didn’t get paternity leave. So based on my experiences, I’d stay with your DH but tell your DD you’ll be there for her in an emergency although you will pop over as and when you can.

How about paying for a weekly cleaner for your DD and either doing a huge batch cooking of food for her freezer or getting her some Cook vouchers?

cowfacemonkey · 01/12/2019 19:00

Your poor DH sounds absolutely awful. I think you need to stay with him. Could your DD's OH drop off some washing/ironing for you to do and you could make them some meals that he could pick up when he gets the washing/ironing? IME when you have a baby as long as there is a meal and clean clothes everything can full by the wayside a bit!

WellTidy · 01/12/2019 19:00

In these circumstances, I think it would be lovely if you could send a big Cook delivery of freezer meals and organise for a cleaner who is willing to do ironing and housekeeping things like changing beds to come regularly.

mynameiscalypso · 01/12/2019 19:00

I agree with those saying to stay with your DH. I was back cooking / loading the dishwasher / doing the washing within a few dats of my section (out of choice I hasten to add! I wanted to feel 'normal' again). Anything I couldn't do would wait until DH came back from work.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2019 19:02

Stay with dh.

Your dd will be managing just fine, like thousands of post c-sec women have coped before her.

Frouby · 01/12/2019 19:03

Your dd will be fine. I had a c section with both of mine. Ex dp was back at work on the monday as I came home on the sunday, 12 hour shifts. And dh was working away 2 weeks after I had ds, and I had the school run to do with dd.

Stay with your dh, maybe offer to cook sunday lunch or an evening meal if you want to be helpful to dd.

minipie · 01/12/2019 19:04

Yes stay with DH.

Your DD’s OH may have gone back to work but he is still there mornings, evenings and weekends I presume which is plenty of time to get the housework done and a lot of the cooking too. They will be fine. If your DD wants a bit of looking after and company in the day could she come to yours?

MarySidney · 01/12/2019 19:09

Could your DD's OH drop off some washing/ironing for you to do and you could make them some meals that he could pick up when he gets the washing/ironing?

I think it would be lovely if you could send a big Cook delivery of freezer meals and organise for a cleaner who is willing to do ironing and housekeeping things like changing beds to come regularly.

Or dd and her dh can organise their own food deliveries, cleaner and ironing service, and op can take the time in between looking after her husband to look after herself.

Sammy867 · 01/12/2019 19:10

Can you not get your dd to come to yours? After I had my dd I used to go to my mums for some company, because she helped me and also because I enjoyed spending extra time with my family. You could pick her up and drop her back on an evening and then all three of yours are together with the baby.

yearinyearout · 01/12/2019 19:10

Ismellbabies said what I was going to suggest. Popping over with some food and bringing back some laundry would be a huge help to her without leaving your DH for too long.
Sorry you are going through this, it sounds really tough. Hope things improve soon 💐