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Original poster

DH ill, adult DD needs me too

100 replies

ibdcanfeckoff · 01/12/2019 18:30

DH has an inflammatory bowel disease, has done for many years, but it's progressively getting worse. This flare up started 2 weeks ago and it is a doozy..he's going to the toilet at least once every 2 hours, day and night. the last time it was like this he ended up in hospital for 6 weeks. He is on various immunosuppressants and anti inflammatory meds and GP recently started him on a high dosage course of steroids, so is in an altogether shitty (no pun intended) frame of mind.
DD has recently given birth by c-section, mum and baby doing well, but obviously she needs a bit more help with chores etc. her OH has now gone back to work and although i said i would help out, now i dont feel i can leave DH alone when he is so ill. he cant even get upstairs without my help, he's sleeping on the sofa so he can be close to the downstairs loo. (upstairs bathroom is up a smaller flight of stairs from bedroom) and i'm on two armchairs pushed together because sometimes he is so weak after going to the loo that he cant get back to the lounge without my help.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. DD knows her dad is ill and is worried sick about him, and insisting i don't worry about helping her out, but i worry that she will be trying to do too much, too soon and could end up hurting herself.
i just cant seem to find a way to help both of them.ConfusedSad
sorry if this is rambly but i'm tired and worried and feel guilty

OP posts:
damnthatanxiety · 01/12/2019 19:15

Is your Dd in need of help or is it more that you would like to support her? If she actually needs help then perhaps you could pay for a cleaner/aid if your budget allows. If you can't do that then perhaps you could cook at home and drop food off for her and do some laundry and pop back to your Dh. I'm not sure how far Dd loves from you. I am sure a couple of hours away would not be the end of the world for your Dh. You say 'sometimes' he can't get back to the lounge. Why not wait until he is having a good day. If he really is so ill that he can not be left alone at all then he needs to be in hospital.

damnthatanxiety · 01/12/2019 19:17

Meanwhile, I hope you are looking after yourself. Are you also waking every 2 hours through the night with him? You need to find a way to get proper sleep. No one will be in a good place if you run yourself ragged. If he needs 24 hour care, you need to get proper home care or he needs to be in hospital.

Stupiddriver1 · 01/12/2019 19:19

You need to stay with your dh, he sounds quite poorly and in more need. Your dd seems ok with this. Don’t worry about her, she will be fine. Lots of women manage without help at this point. Chores can wait. Can she come to you for some company if she wants?

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Atalune · 01/12/2019 19:19

Friends husband is the same. It’s reLly awful.

I’ve had 2 sections and first one was a proper we almost died situation.

Coming in and delivering food, taking laundry would have been awesome. Don’t forget your Dd will have other friends and family to help too. Your dh is too vulnerable to be left I think.

Queenfreak · 01/12/2019 19:20

Your husband is priority here, no question.
Your DD and yourself would just worry about your husband if you were with her.
I was ever so grateful for the help from people after my section, but also wished to just be able to be on my own with my baby and not worry about my mum/mil (because I didnt feel I ould schlep around in next to nothing with my boobs out stay in bed all day or next friends if I was up to it).

Queenfreak · 01/12/2019 19:21

Can your dds mil help out? My mil is amazing, and would give me a kidney if I needed it.

MsRomanoff · 01/12/2019 19:24

OP what are you doing to look after yourself?

Original poster
ibdcanfeckoff · 01/12/2019 19:25

Thanks for all your suggestions I called my DD and have arranged to drop off a massive shepherds pie, a lasagne and a chicken casserole tomorrow afternoon. Her OH is sorting out a couple of loads of laundry for me to pick up at the same time. I should be out of the house for less than an hour with any luck! Unfortunately I’m not in a position financially to pay for any help for her, but her OH is going to see if his sister can come for a couple of days at the end of the week..they’re not close and she lives a couple of hours away but he says he can tell this is stressing me out so he’s willing to put up with her, bless him 😁
mrsbyers DH has never had a designated ibd nurse I don’t think that’s a thing at our local hospital unfortunately. And the whole gastro dept seems to be staffed by locums recently 🙁 his gp has arranged an appointment there for the end of December that’s the soonest they can see him apparently! Do you think it’s worth me phoning and seeing if I can get him seen sooner? I agree that IV steroids would probably be better but he’s terrified of being in hospital for weeks again 😪
I’m feeling a bit teary at the moment. I feel useless seeing him like this and not being able to help him.
Thanks again you’ve all been very kind and helpful

OP posts:
Weegiepie · 01/12/2019 19:26

You sound like a lovely person Flowers like others have suggested, why not cook her a few meals to put in the freezer, and pop in to help tidy up and maybe take the wee one out in the pram. But also make sure you are looking after yourself aswell!

EvaHarknessRose · 01/12/2019 19:26

She's telling you she can manage. Keep in contact with her and be there for her that way. Talk to them both about it and DON'T FORGET TO LOOK AFTER YOU.

Aloe6 · 01/12/2019 19:30

Please make sure you are looking after yourself too. The disturbed sleep on a makeshift bed will take its toll on you. It’s lovely that you look after everyone else (my DM is the same) but remember you are just as important too.

Mrscog · 01/12/2019 19:33

You sound lovely and the meals are a good idea but surely the OH can just do the laundry in the evenings like all other working parents have to? Don’t facilitate a lazy man when you are already doing so much for others.

MollyHuaCha · 01/12/2019 19:34

End of December is not good enough - yes, I know that's easy for me to say!

I would repeatedly press the hospital for an urgent appointment. Maybe the GP can help you?

It will not be easy to arrange. But I agree, it sounds as though he needs to be in hospital.

Don't worry about your daughter. She'll be fine.

If your DH is as ill as you suggest, I think he should not be left alone in case he suddenly gets much worse.

Good luck.

CanIHaveADrink · 01/12/2019 19:35

Atm your DH needs you more than your dd. So that’s where you should be imo.

I also think that your DH will take time to recover so I would be very careful about what you are taking on. Yes it’s great that you want to support your dd too. And yes it’s crap that both events have happened at the same time. But you need to remember that you want be of any help to ANYONE if you run yourself to the ground by trying to be everything to everyone all at the same time.
So please don’t take on too much/more than you can really cope with. And take time to look after yourself too. Have some breaks, some time alone doing something you enjoy or just a nap to make up for the broken sleep. That’s just as important!!

OddBoots · 01/12/2019 19:39

In your position you shouldn't feel you need to do anything but if you wanted it could you pick up your DD and grandchild one morning and have them at yours for the day and her OH pick them up in the evening? Shared adult company might do you both good.

sparkly72 · 01/12/2019 19:39

I want to come round and look after you ....
can you bring a mattress downstairs and store behind the sofa during the day? At least you'd be getting a bit of quality sleep in between the night wakings

OddBoots · 01/12/2019 19:40

If you get chance have a look at www.crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/support - there is a helpline and they may be able to help you get a specialist nurse.

halcyondays · 01/12/2019 19:40

If he’s that ill, should he be left alone at all?

Surely her oh can put on laundry and cook or buy ready meals.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/12/2019 19:43

I’ve had two sections and no help from my mum. It was all fine.

The situation with your DH takes priority.

missy111 · 01/12/2019 19:43

OP if you have a look on the Chrons and Colitis Uk site, there is a page which lists the contacts for the IBD nurses at most hospitals.
As an IBD sufferer, I'm afraid I would say that if he is too poorly to get to and from the bathroom whilst on oral steroids, it sounds like he needs IV steroids..sooner rather than later! Ask your GP on Monday if they can phone the gastro team, as he needs to be seen ASAP

halcyondays · 01/12/2019 19:44

I’d get a cheap Lightweight foam mattress to sleep on if you can, if your own are too heavy to take downstairs. You can’t be sleeping very well on 2 armchairs.

Fucket · 01/12/2019 19:45

Good lord why are you doing their laundry is her other half that ineffectual that he has to let his mil handle the laundry, knowing that his fil is sick and you are looking after him?

What about his relatives?

In your shoes I’d concentrate on your husband and making sure you had enough rest as well. You don’t want to catch a virus because you’ve run yourself. Plenty of time to babysit, help out once things have calmed down.

Original poster
ibdcanfeckoff · 01/12/2019 20:23

Her OH is doing as much of laundry as he can mostly the baby’s stuff and his work gear but they don’t have a tumble dryer so it’s a case of drying clothes on a clothes horse and over radiators so it’s all backed up a bit. I’m going to do their linen wash and heavier things and take a load of wet washing from theirs to do a tumble dry for them. I feel like I’m selling him short on here and making it seem like he’s not doing a lot but he really is. As well as working 10 hour shifts and doing some night feeds. His mum died a couple of years ago and he’s not had any contact with his dad since he was a kid so he only has his sister. I’ve also arranged to borrow a zed bed from my friend, she’s dropping it off on Tuesday.
I’m going to get onto the hospital in the morning and try to get him seen asap. I’m feeling a bit more positive now thank you all 💐 I’m halfway through cooking the lasagne and shepherds pie.. it won’t be up to my usual standard but I’m sure DD won’t complain

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2019 20:25

Her OH is sorting out a couple of loads of laundry for me to pick up at the same time.

I'm sorry op, but this is absolutely fucking OUTRAGEOUS. Your daughter's husband is so useless that he can't manage to wash some laundry? They are taking the piss out of you. Your daughter has had a baby, not a lung transplant. She should be ashamed to be giving you even more of a burden when you are at breaking point as it is. I'm gobsmacked by this.

Original poster
ibdcanfeckoff · 01/12/2019 20:31

aquamarine I don’t know if we cross posted but like I said he is doing laundry and most of the other housework ( maybe not up to my standard but still doing it). It’s just the stuff that can’t be dried over a clothes horse that has backed up and they’re running out of bedding so that’s the laundry I’m doing

OP posts: