DH ill, adult DD needs me too

[ibdcanfeckoff]

DH has an inflammatory bowel disease, has done for many years, but it's progressively getting worse. This flare up started 2 weeks ago and it is a doozy..he's going to the toilet at least once every 2 hours, day and night. the last time it was like this he ended up in hospital for 6 weeks. He is on various immunosuppressants and anti inflammatory meds and GP recently started him on a high dosage course of steroids, so is in an altogether shitty (no pun intended) frame of mind.
DD has recently given birth by c-section, mum and baby doing well, but obviously she needs a bit more help with chores etc. her OH has now gone back to work and although i said i would help out, now i dont feel i can leave DH alone when he is so ill. he cant even get upstairs without my help, he's sleeping on the sofa so he can be close to the downstairs loo. (upstairs bathroom is up a smaller flight of stairs from bedroom) and i'm on two armchairs pushed together because sometimes he is so weak after going to the loo that he cant get back to the lounge without my help.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. DD knows her dad is ill and is worried sick about him, and insisting i don't worry about helping her out, but i worry that she will be trying to do too much, too soon and could end up hurting herself.
i just cant seem to find a way to help both of them.
sorry if this is rambly but i'm tired and worried and feel guilty

It's still an excuse and a burden you don't need. He can take their laundry to a service and pay to have it done.

Get a grip Aquamarine tht's not what has been said AT ALL.

Understandably, the OP would like to try to offer her dd and SiL a bit of support. They are very new parents, she has had a section and he is doing everything, whilst also being sleep deprived and whilst also working 10 hour shifts (potentially doing something where he also needs his wits about him and needs to concentrate be that driving a truck or doing some surgery). It means the dd is at home for very long days, potentially with a crying baby, and struggling to be able to do much herself.
I didn't even have a section, but I was very appreciative when someone popped round for a while once dh had gone to work. It can be very lonely when your hormones are all over the place and you feel you don't really know what you are doing.
Like OP's dh, my dh was grat, but don't we all appreciate someone taking a small bit of the load when we are overwhelmed ??

@ibdcanfeckoff glad you've found a compromise that makes you feel like you can help both, I'd use the time SIL is there to get some proper sleep and rest.

i don't think you're making you SONIL sound that bad, it's easy to get overwhelmed when it's all new, bedding and towels are a nightmare to dry in radiators and indoor airers etc

Yeah, son in law should be organising the laundry!

He and DD will manage.

My DM is disabled and was / is unable to travel to where we live: she provided / provides lots of emotional support by phone and when I / we can visit her.

Bless you OP, sounds like you've got a great plan to help out without leaving your DH for long. It's very kind of you to tumble dry a few loads for them, that would have been so helpful when we had a young DD in a small house in the winter.

Yeah, son in law should be organising the laundry! but it sounds like he's been trying his best, they haven't come and said "oi, why aren't you doing anything to help us, you're so crap", op has asked if she can help and her daughter has been honest about what would help, possibly knowing it will do her Mom more good to do something to help than to feel guilty for not.

backforgood thank you
I’m not on here to bash my Dds oh. He’s a lovely, hard working bloke and loves his little family very much. They haven’t asked me to do anything but the original plan was that I was going to pop round most days and just help out a bit when he went back to work but things haven’t worked out that way. Sods bloody law. Poor DH has only held the baby two or three times and he’s also feeling very guilty that I’m not getting any Nana time with the LO.

That’s really hard on all if you! I’d stay with DH, but keep in touch with DD as much as I could to give moral support, just let her know you’re thinking of her. Hopefully you’ll be able to spend some time with them really soon.

Congrats on the new grandchild!

any chance you could bring dd and the baby back to yours? I know you can't do housework for them but cups of tea and chat or even a nap while you hold the baby might be appreciated.

Glad you have a plan. Another crohns disease sufferer here saying it sounds like IV steroids are in order. If the GP is helpful they might be a good starting place without an IBD nurse.

I was like that this time last year, and kept trying to keep going, but literally unable to climb the stairs, I was the worst I had been in 18 years and when they eventually did the scans after I collapsed and couldn't move in the middle of the night I was in a bit of a mess and definitely wished I had given in and gone to hospital sooner. Hopefully your husband won't try and hang on until the end of December, that was my mistake and I only got worse waiting for the appointment. My family had to dig their heels in a bit as the first doctor brushed me off and wouldn't even take bloods despite me actually being very ill so be prepared to argue his case if he isn't well enough to manage it. Hopefully the sooner he gets treatment the sooner he can be home and getting his life back.

Good luck to you both, you sound lovely, hope things improve and you can enjoy the new addition with a bit less stress.

Oh latekate that’s awful. I’m glad your family stood firm for you! I hope your crohns is under control again now.

O my goodness what a nightmare
I hope you get some rest yourself op
Your poor husband and daughter too.

You should stay with your husband, your daughter has had a baby and like millions before her will be fine.

I think you're being taken for a mug here. Sure it's nice for you to spend time where you can but you're exhausted, but still spent time making them food?! Will be washing their linens for them?!

If they can't dry clothes easily then the linens wait. Or he could bring them over with daughter and baby so DH and you can have a cuddle?

Please take care of yourself as well as everyone else OP.

have YRTFT? I OFFERED TO HELP! I don’t think I’m being taken for a mug at all. I find that really fucking offensive actually. This is my first GC, and prior to my DH being taken ill, I knew my DD would need some extra help because of her c-section. No one has asked for my help. I offered it. and seriously? let their linen wait? Would you like your GC to sleep on sheets that have sick/wee/poo on? Shall I tell my GC to try not to be sick on his unending game supply of clean blankets? Or would you be happy for your DD to sleep on sheets and duvet covers she may have bled or leaked milk on to? Shall I tell her to just stop any bodily fluids from accidentally leaking. I said it before and I’ll say it again I OFFERED to help. What are you not understanding about that? Yes I’m tired. Sure I could go get a good nights sleep in my own bed and let my DH struggle around on his own and think fuck them all and what sort of shit would I be getting on here? I was struggling to see solutions last night and needed a few suggestions. I didn’t expect to have my DD and her partner’s characters assassinated. They are a young family, doing their best, struggling to keep on top of things and have asked for NOTHING! If she was on the phone constantly asking for my help or moaning that I’m not doing enough to help her I could understand it but she’s not. Far from it. She’s on the phone asking if her dad is ok? Asking if I NEED her help ffs. I don’t want my DD to bring GC to my house. I don’t particularly think a crying baby is going to do much for my DHs stress levels and he is TIRED and sore and grumpy and in pain so no, having a cuddle is not the top priority at the moment. For all the posters that have actually suggested reasonable ideas and even just offered a sympathetic word, I thank you. For the others who have decided my daughter is a lazy cow and her partner is a feckless twat, go post on AIBU where you can sling some shit at other people that are going through a hard time.

Fair play @ibdcanfeckoff I haven’t seen a rant of that quality on here for some time. Well done!

I hope your DH is feeling better soon and you can all enjoy some newborn cuddles over Christmas.

Thank you exltevedallas I’m not having my DD made out to be a whiny selfish brat when she’s not. I’m actually quite thankful for the vitriol because I shall be using the rage it has given me to INSIST that my DH is seen, by a consultant, way before the end of December. I shall be pushing for today/tomorrow. I’m actually in a bit of a temper now and I need to not be. DH has had a reasonably good night. Only up twice since 2am so with any luck the steroids are finally starting to take effect. 🤞

Nice to see you’ve got some fire in your voice, op! Hope that energy carries you forward and that when things calm down, you get some time to look after yourself too. All the best

Oooooh, I love that rant, fair play to you! Love to see a mum's inner tigress come out; I would be the same in your position. Now get cooking that lasagne

This sounds like such a stressful time for you. I really feel for your DH. DH's family suffer from a range of stomach issues that really cripple them at times. Is DDs MIL nice and on the scene or another sensible female relative who has had kids? Maybe you could divide and conquer so you know DD is getting lots of support but you can also be with DH (or switch). After my c seciton and as a FTM I really appreciated support from those who had been there and cared for a newborn especially when you're in pain and recovering yourself. I love the idea of dropping nice dinners around. A few people brought me easy snacks or pastrys I could eat when I was up at night which I also really appreciated. I think you're right to push for a consultant apt given how poorly your DH is. I have taken DH to A&E before (he had awful cramps, bleeding and pain in his kidney area) so dont hesitate to seek further help.

Well said op. I hate it when people say "well I managed/lots of people manage with no help", yes, people manage on their own, that doesn't mean it's that easy for everyone or that you'd want that for your dd and your first gc. Mums want to help their dc, and accepting that help 2 weeks after a c-sec and while you're only just getting used to the relentlessness of parenthood is by no means taking the piss! And I say that as some arsehole who usually posts on AIBU.

blackcat my DDs MiL died a couple of years ago and her OHhas a sister but they’re not close and she lives a couple of hours away. He has asked her to come down this weekend to help as he will be working but I’m not sure if she is coming or not, will find out later today I expect and welltidy I’m way ahead of you shepherd pie and lasagne was prepped last night and ready to go... chicken casserole is in oven as we speak!

Is DDs MIL nice and on the scene rtft, her SIL's Mum died. And even if there were other people around, op wants to help her daughter with her first GC.
Good rant OP, people seem to forget people help because they WANT TO rather than because they HAVE TO.

Hope you get some progress with the docs

I’m sorry @ibdcanfeckoff. I meant my post to be more of a ‘look after yourself too’ rather than slagging off but I can see it reads badly.

Honestly I think it’s ok to put your dh first here and I’ll explain why I personally think that. My dad was very very sick at the same time I was dealing with bad pre eclampsia and very unwell. I was terrified for my dad and the idea of something happening if my mum wasn’t with him as she knew his situation inside out and also of course loved him and wouldn’t let any harm come of him. I didn’t want her minding me as it meant I was worried sick about my dad. For times I was in hospital my dp did visits to me and friends. I don’t resent this one bit and am so thankful my mum could look after him as what killed me was for those periods I was in hospital I couldn’t help! So don’t feel bad. Also there may be other supports that she can avail of as someone mentioned a cleaner or friends or other family might be able to help? I know you feel torn between the two but as having experience as the daughter I can tell you now the worry that comes with w sick parent is so much worse if you have in your mind they might fall or take worse if the mum is with you and not them! It does also sound like your husband genuinely needs you more now, sometimes what you have to decide isn’t ideal for both and you have to just do the best you can with your current situation if that makes sense!!! I’m sorry though about that happening, it is an awful time for you all!!! Congrats on your grandchild though and I hope your dh feels better soon!

Can you contact discredit nurse at your gp practice for a physio and OT assessment as if he's weak he may benefit from aids to assist with this flare up. Ie a Zimmer frame to walk with and a commode so that he can sleep upstairs and continue to use the toilet.

I don't have my mum and I coped post birth, a phone call so I could rant would have been ideal. Hopefully you can be that person later on in the evening for your dd.