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Original poster

Adult women, bitches and cliques

76 replies

Stressmess · 30/11/2019 13:39

I take my children to a weekly activity. Small groups of the same children every week. There is one woman who is a complete Queen Bee, has pretty much everyone else in the group hanging off her and completely excludes me. I was friendly with one other woman who I chatted with every week and felt I had a good connection with who has now joined this other group, she now ignores me too which I feel sad about. So imagine Queen Bee with about 3 hanging off her in a group and me sitting on my own every week. No attempts to be friendly or inclusive.
There have definitely been looks from Queen Bee but today she made a dig at me and as if she hadn't said it loudly enough repeated it just in case I hadn't heard. I had heard but chose to keep a dignified silence and pretend I hadn't heard. I raged at my DH when I got home. You don't know me or anything about me so I don't see what your problem is.
Why do some adult women feel the need to make others feel like shit? I was bullied as a teenager and thought as an adult you wouldn't have to put up with things like this but was obviously wrong. Anything else or just me?

OP posts:

Cookit · 30/11/2019 19:51

I know what you’re talking about OP.

I don’t know if it’s more a thing in women. Perhaps not, I’d like to think not. It could just be that the kind of places I go to where it happens are made up almost exclusively of women (baby groups, school pick up etc) so that’s why it always seems to be women IYSWIM.

There does seem to be something in a lot of people though where they want to form small social groups and one of the easiest ways of cementing those bonds is by excluding others making their group seem exclusive.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/12/2019 04:26

I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t say something. No wonder she behaves like that.

Because it's one woman vs a group at an activity with her young children and she probably doesn't want to cause a scene, upset any children, or give nasty moms children and excuse to start picking on hers.

OneOfTheGrundys · 01/12/2019 04:50

Best strategy: approach every interaction with this woman with zero fucks given.
Bullies smell fear and nervousness. She’ll move on to some other person soon enough.
There’s one like that in DS2’s class. I ignore politely, pick my boy up and go. Meh to her really.

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 05:23

There used to be one of those type of woman at a play group when my daughter was little. She was a nurse and thought she was an expert in childcare which I think was not the case. She had 2 sons and told me she would have liked a little girl. My daughter had long blonde hair which which I kept in a pony tail. I had gone over to get a drink and asked the other women to watch her for me. When I came back this woman had taken my daughters hair out of the pony tail and was brushing it with her hair brush. I hit the roof and told her never to touch my daughters hair again! She started to tell me she thought I had put my daughters hair in a too tight scrunchie but I was having none of it. From then on I avoided her and she then tried to be friendly which I rejected because quite frankly I did not like her.

I would not want to friends with that woman or her clicky bunch of friends if I was you they sound unpleasant bullies to me.

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 05:24

to be friends

shearwater · 01/12/2019 05:27

I think it is an utter travesty that women behave like this towards each other. I genuinely don't believe that men do

I don't think you have much experience of men. I have worked with mostly men all my life and there is always backstabbing and gossiping.

Inkanta · 01/12/2019 05:28

Yes I feel for you OP.

Yes, I suspect the Queen bee is a bit of a Narc. It's not a good atmosphere. She has her supporters who are happy to humour and suck up to her, so I'd leave them to to if I were you, and go somewhere new - with normal friendly people. It won't be good for you sitting with that lot.

SpiderCharlotte · 01/12/2019 08:31

I don't think you have much experience of men. I have worked with mostly men all my life and there is always backstabbing and gossiping.

This true, mean are equally gossipy, it's not just a womans' thing. However, I've never experienced quite the same pernicious behaviour from a man. That 'smiling assassin' if you know what I mean, but that may be because at that time I spent most of my time with women.

Juliette20 · 01/12/2019 08:43

I don't know, I have on more than one occasion been stabbed in the back by a male colleague, whilst being smiling and pleasant to my face.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 01/12/2019 08:49

If she's moved on to actually making comments then ignoring her won't work. You need to shut that nonsense down immediately. I like "sorry, what did you say? What do you mean?" repeated till she is to embarrassed to keep going.

BlueJava · 01/12/2019 08:52

I know what you mean OP and I think dignified silence and not rising to her is the best way, otherwise where does it end. I don't have any experience of this in UK groups as my DP was the SAHD and I went back to work so he went to groups with our boys. However, I did work as an expat abroad for a bit and the vast majority of workers were men, and wives who stayed at home. I was included in a couple of social occasions and it the whole "Queen Bee" situation quickly become clear to me. Would not like to be part of that anywhere. I stopped going to any women-only events and was careful about who I socialised with. When your kids like the activity though I'd just plough on and take a book!

SpiderCharlotte · 01/12/2019 08:57

@Juliette20 Actually, reading my post again it looks like I'm saying that men don't behave like that, I'm really not. It's just that I've only ever come across women like that but that was when I was working in avggn all female environment, so I suppose I would.

When I worked with a lot of men there were plenty of gossipy back stabbers too.

BillywilliamV · 01/12/2019 08:58

You know, I found out years later that I was one of those “Queen Bees”! At the time I was happy and chatty, other people wanted to speak to me and that made me popular. I wasn’t even aware of all the people lacking self- confidence on the periphery of the group I was in, projecting all of their insecurity on me!
Why not speak to your queen bee, with an open mind, as if she was a normal human being with a kid, like you. She might surprise you.
The woman, who is now one of my dearest frIends was certainly surprised.

dayswithaY · 01/12/2019 09:03

The best revenge is to keep going back every week and keep ignoring her - to you, this woman is invisible and she will hate that. I also wouldn't confront her as she will totally turn it around and make herself the victim and you the aggressor. Focus on your children and keep ignoring.

I went to a party once where I hardly knew anyone. DH was talking to a friend and as I stood in kitchen a gaggle of women sat with their backs turned, glanced over at me several times then whispered to each over, continually. When I said "Hi, I'm (insert name here )" , one of them shrugged and said "So?" People are weird.

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/12/2019 09:06

Oh I feel for you, I have a similar situation. I smiled yesterday as I got one over her - although she has no idea! Luckily there are plenty of others in this group so it's usually not that obvious she's cutting me out.

SpiderCharlotte · 01/12/2019 09:44

I wasn’t even aware of all the people lacking self- confidence on the periphery of the group I was in, projecting all of their insecurity on me!

That's such a 'Queen Bee' thing to say. 😂

Clearly, not all Bees are equal. Some may be like yourself, you say you had no idea. Some are very aware of their behaviour and revel in it. The woman who tried to 'recruit' me was so lovely and friendly that when she first starting sowing the seeds about my friend, I initially thought that I had misunderstood her. Then it became very clear by her behaviour that it was very deliberate. It didn't really take me long to suss her out, I've met people like her before, but she genuinely couldn't believe that I found her behaviour unacceptable. She only has two minions left now, but they've all burned so many bridges with so many people now they're kind of stuck with each other now.

pingponggo · 01/12/2019 09:48

Some women never grow out of that school friends mentality. The followers on like to think they are part of the cool club but don't realise those who bitch today you will bitch about you.

Combination of being polite and smiling and dignified silence where it counts will get you through, OP

KatherineJaneway · 01/12/2019 09:50

Well done for not rising to the bait, I'd have gone up to her and politely had it out with her.

MintChocAddict · 01/12/2019 09:51

I wasn’t even aware of all the people lacking self- confidence on the periphery of the group I was in, projecting all of their insecurity on me!

It appears to be your fault OP

ploopsie · 01/12/2019 09:54

Weirdly I've never really come across this type of behaviour before but it could be because I'm pretty confident & couldn't give a shit about what a stranger thinks about me or maybe I'm oblivious.

The best thing to do is be polite & just ignore it, they obviously want to make you feel small so don't let them.

I've worked with men as the sole female in the office & men are certainly bitchy & backstabbing, they just don't get labelled so much.

ploopsie · 01/12/2019 09:55

That is so unbelievably rude, like wtf!

dayswithaY · 01/12/2019 10:01

Yes Ploopsie and they'd be the first to complain if their children got treated like that!

ploopsie · 01/12/2019 10:12

@dayswithaY I worked in modelling, magazines & fashion and never have heard of such bitchy behaviour. Most people (95% female dominated) were nice!

Chattybum · 01/12/2019 10:19

My sister perceives slights all the time. Woman at the baby group being bitchy, lady at the supermarket tutting at her, man at the petrol station offering to help because he's a misogynist, old lady across the road giving her the stink eye because she left her bins out etc. It's exhausting and mostly untrue. My armchair psychology degree tells me that because she spends so much time being judgemental towards others, that she assumes they are doing the same towards her. I on the other hand, am the most oblivious person you have ever met with an extremely poor memory. Consequently I think most people are nice. I think it's confirmation bias. My sister thinks people don't like her so she is actively looking for behaviour to confirm her theory. Could this apply to you OP?

ploopsie · 01/12/2019 10:33

That's a good point @Chattybum, a poster above wrote about someone brushing her daughters hair, rightly or wrongly I wouldn't have seen that as a slight & wouldn't have given it a second thought.

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