MiL trying to bully us into seeing her at Xmas

[Fuckloadofcheese]

Very strained relationship between dh and her. She’s always made him feel guilty, had a go at him for moving out at age 25 (!), cried and told him how he’d upset her when we moved an hour away to be nearer good schools, and tried to get him to give her thousands of his inheritance money. I could give HUNDREDS of examples like that.

Anyway, a month ago, after being battered by her by email about ‘I want to come and visit next week/ the week after/ the week after that’ for years and years and her not accepting that he doesn’t want her around every five minutes, he snapped and told her angrily that she’s manipulative and to pack it in with the incessant visit requests. All went quiet for a few weeks and then slowly things went back to normal. She came to visit yesterday and my god it was like PULLING FUCKING TEETH. First she asked about Christmas- we see her every other Xmas through gritted teeth but cannot deal with every single one so said we were seeing my family. We then got a grilling for literally an hour about what days are we seeing them/ how are we getting there/ where do they live exactly/ what will we do with our pets, asking the same questions of both of us, I’m sure to test us. Then it became a hammering over what day can we see her before Xmas despite dh telling her a thousand times that he never knows his shifts until the weekend prior. ‘ I can do this day that day or that day’ she was going, which weekdays/ weekends are better, we could come to her or she could come to us, what about this that and the other, I felt like shouting but just tried to do the ‘grey rock’ technique and give simple answers. She then made sure we knew we had ruined her life over not seeing her at Xmas, ‘it’s not nice being on your own’ she kept saying, ‘you’ve left me in a pickle now’. Never mind that she never saw her own ailing mother at Xmas or that she’s fallen out with everyone else.

I’m so ducking frustrated that she’s made dh’s life a misery forever yet refuses to realise that because of that we don’t want to see her and continues to drone on.

I wish he’d go NC but he won’t because she’s unstable and has attempted suicide in the past.

If you’ve read all of that rant, thank you. I can’t talk to dh yet as dc still up! Needed to vent/ scream.

Take her with you to your family then she's not on her own .

I think all you can do is keep up with the grey rock

Let her stew at home. Don’t reward her bad behaviour.

You want her to spend Christmas on her own?

So vague answers needed and on repeat
Her I can do x day and x day
You/dh. ‘Dh won’t get his rota until at least x day ‘- repeat as necessary
Plenty of ‘really’. ‘ that’s a pity’ ‘ok’
Be vague about where your family are ‘oh they live near x ‘. ‘Yes pets are sorted thanks ’

You need to be busy ( or pretend )
And ld lower contact personally. Give it longer and longer between answering / returning calls texts or emails Or put your phone on silent/ emails into junk - get dh to respond to her rather than you
You can’t change her. She’s not going to change but you get to change how you respond to her

My DM is doing all the guilt stuff, but she didn't look after her mother at all! It's so hypocritical!

Is it really so unacceptable to want to see your son at some point over Christmas?

It rather depends Venus.

It’s sad she’ll be on her own over Christmas.

It’s sad she’ll be on her own over Christmas.

Maybe she should be nicer to the people she knows.

No one is entitled to spend Christmas or any other day with anyone.

Op ignore the apologists that are trying to guilt trip you that she's on her own (are any of you the mother in law by any chance )

It sounds genuinely like there is a reason she is on her own. My exmil was like this , in an extremely rare show of strength my exdh pointed out that I she hadn't been so vile to everyone around her she wouldn't be on her own.

If you haven't had toxic in your life you don't understand so stop with the guilt trip pp.

This is not a situation where a poor innocent is beige abandoned. She brought this on herself. And forget the good will to all men rubbish as well....what about OP and her Dh? Do they not deserve good will?

Op just keep repeating no and try to ignore the comments. Or cut down on contact which would be myour option.

I remember your posts from before. Keep grey rocking and let your partner deal with her.

I cannot even tell you how much stress and misery she brings into our lives. And into the lives of others- acting out of pure spite and waging legal battles with all and sundry.

As others have said, this isn’t ya leaving a poor little defenceless old lady on her own- we are talking about a nasty person who is impossible to have a relationship with.

I suspect those who disapprove are mothers in law themselves who fear being left alone. It’s simple- be nice and you won’t be!

OP, don't be dismissive just because you don't like the answers posters are giving. I have a lot of sympathy for you but more so for your husband as he's in a very difficult situation.

I think it would be better for you just to refer your MIL back to your husband saying that "he'll reply asap when we know where we are for that week". Then have a calm discussion with him about a realistic day to see her/have her to your home.

It's not easy when a parent guilt trips and just because you can do 'grey rock' doesn't mean that it's a walk in the park for your husband to do it too. Have a heart - for him!

Where did I say I don’t have a heart for him?! I’ve not tried to deal with her myself either, it all goes through his email. An awful lot of supposition going on there. He and I have spent hours and hours and hours talking about what to do, how he could deal with it and it’s been really hard for him.

Parents role model social behaviour to their kids. If you have DC they are seeing it’s acceptable for their dad not to see his mum, and so will grow up thinking it’s acceptable to prioritize their future partners’ families too for holidays and special ocassions. It has no bearing on how nice you are as a person.

If you want to break the cycle then spend part of the Christmas holiday with her. Maybe invite her around boxing day or Christmas Eve.

Ah ok so people can treat you like shit (including trying to pressure you to give them a fuckload of money when dh’s dad died suddenly and left his estate to dh) for years and you still have to see them every single Christmas no matter what. Got it. How stupid of me to think otherwise.

Keep up the grey rock; she is a total nightmare and will poison as much of your lives as she touches.

Even if you can't go NC, you can space out contact for longer and longer periods. All phone calls go to voicemail and you return them at longer and longer intervals (and for shorter conversations). Actual meetings get further apart and shorter (and preferably on neutral ground, so that you can leave at any point).

Good luck, OP. Some people are just toxic, and not all the posters will have experienced this or understand the situation.

If you have/dont have family like this then you understand/dont understand, and thats all there is to it really.

Grey rock a bit more, and like a pp says, leave it a bit longer before replying to each text.

But do your DH see his grandmother at Christmas?

I understand you can't see her this year because you have your own sensitive situation- is can you make it clear you can see her next year?

I will be spending Christmas Day with a relative I really do t want to see. Part of the reasons to demonstrate to my DC my charitable side - although they have suggested we invite a homeless person instead because they would probably whinge less.

When it comes to Christmas Day I ask my self what Jesus would do.

Spend xmas with who you want, she’s your DH mother and if he’s happy not to see her then that’s that.
People on here trying to guilt you into it probably dont have toxic family members

AFAIK Jesus's parents were a bit different from this though.

Parents role model social behaviour to their kids. If you have DC they are seeing it’s acceptable for their dad not to see his mum, and so will grow up thinking it’s acceptable to prioritize their future partners’ families too for holidays and special occasions

Or perhaps they will grow up understanding that you don't get rewarded for shitty behaviour. And that their father isn't willing to inflict this kind of behaviour on his own children at Christmas. By this reckoning I assume that some people think I should see my eldest brother, who sexually abused me, over Christmas, because famleeeeee Being a member of family does not give you an automatic 'pass' to family celebrations such as Christmas, if you have demonstrated poor family values the rest of the year.

FWIWI have 2 boys. I fully expect that sometimes at Christmas they may want to visit their partner's family, or go on a fabulous holiday, or spend the day as their own little unit, or whatever. I'm fine with that. I wouldn't dream of guilt-tripping them into spending time with me if they didn't want to.

OP stand firm. Maybe if MIL doesn't get her own way for once, she might pause to consider what she has done to make this happen, and try to be better in future.