MiL trying to bully us into seeing her at Xmas

[Fuckloadofcheese]

Very strained relationship between dh and her. She’s always made him feel guilty, had a go at him for moving out at age 25 (!), cried and told him how he’d upset her when we moved an hour away to be nearer good schools, and tried to get him to give her thousands of his inheritance money. I could give HUNDREDS of examples like that.

Anyway, a month ago, after being battered by her by email about ‘I want to come and visit next week/ the week after/ the week after that’ for years and years and her not accepting that he doesn’t want her around every five minutes, he snapped and told her angrily that she’s manipulative and to pack it in with the incessant visit requests. All went quiet for a few weeks and then slowly things went back to normal. She came to visit yesterday and my god it was like PULLING FUCKING TEETH. First she asked about Christmas- we see her every other Xmas through gritted teeth but cannot deal with every single one so said we were seeing my family. We then got a grilling for literally an hour about what days are we seeing them/ how are we getting there/ where do they live exactly/ what will we do with our pets, asking the same questions of both of us, I’m sure to test us. Then it became a hammering over what day can we see her before Xmas despite dh telling her a thousand times that he never knows his shifts until the weekend prior. ‘ I can do this day that day or that day’ she was going, which weekdays/ weekends are better, we could come to her or she could come to us, what about this that and the other, I felt like shouting but just tried to do the ‘grey rock’ technique and give simple answers. She then made sure we knew we had ruined her life over not seeing her at Xmas, ‘it’s not nice being on your own’ she kept saying, ‘you’ve left me in a pickle now’. Never mind that she never saw her own ailing mother at Xmas or that she’s fallen out with everyone else.

I’m so ducking frustrated that she’s made dh’s life a misery forever yet refuses to realise that because of that we don’t want to see her and continues to drone on.

I wish he’d go NC but he won’t because she’s unstable and has attempted suicide in the past.

If you’ve read all of that rant, thank you. I can’t talk to dh yet as dc still up! Needed to vent/ scream.

What Shodan said. Best thing my DM ever taught me was not to try and please difficult people.

Your children will indeed be watching and learning.

They will learn how to have strong boundaries, how to protect themselves and their family from people who determinedly erode the personhood of those around them.

Spending time with people who systematically dismantle your boundaries, erode your self esteem, create division where there was none doesn't help them or you.

These kind of people will never be satisfied- they just ask for more, assume more, take more.

Wow some truly hideous people on the boards tonight.

Op, your kids will only see that their dad is refusing to be treated like crap by a toxic individual and they will know that regardless of where the toxicity comes from they don't have to stand for it. That is a valuable lesson and you should both be proud!!

Mil sounds like a witch. I would do a few things to maintain both your sanity.

1. get DH to set up an automatic rule on his email so all hers go to a given folder that he resigns himself to check once a week on A day at B time to prevent the constant worry of what will be there when he checks them for other stuff.

2. stand firm, you have plans that have been booked based on the long standing christmas agreement, you will arrange to see her once DH knows his shifts and will be in touch on X date to discuss.

3. give your DH a big hug and maybe treat him to his favourite food/beverage/tv/film for having a shit mum and handling it brilliant!

4. set aside a day every 3 months to have a meet with her, ensure it is in neutral territory and for a set time frame. Away from either home means that you have a getaway built in, Sundays are good because early leaving due to school/work the following day etc

Good luck!

OP, I'm not saying you don't have a heart for him - I meant that you don't need to have one for the MIL, just him. He's the one who has to deal with this, he really does.

I don't think it will be feasible (for him) to discount her over the Christmas period so some sort of coping measure will be needed. I think I'd rather visit her in her home than have her come to mine. What do you suggest is the best option and how would your husband feel about that?

You say that you and he have talked for hours. Does he come up with any solutions at all?

... and I'm not a MIL. I am though, an eternal peacekeeper in my extended family and it's exhausting. I wish just once that the protagonists would find a way to co-exist (and meet up) peacefully, without having to be soothed all the time, it's exhausting.

Don't be guilt tripped in to seeing her. If she has fallen out with everyone around her, clearly she's the one who has ensured she spends some Christmases alone.
It's fair enough to want to see the other half of your family alternate years (or even have a small, quiet Xmas just with your household).

Limit contact with her. If DH wants to arrange seeing her and speaking with her regularly, let him take the responsibility. You don't have to.

@Fuckloadofcheese I think it's a mistake for any family to get into a firm tradition of always doing Christmas one particular way. Life always brings changes whether you want it to or not. People's circumstances change. Relationships form and break down. Young people mature top the point of being able to take on responsibilities and older people get older and need to ease down a step. even in the most loving and non-dysfunctional family, it is unwise to do the same thing every year.

so, away from the generalities and to your specific case. Of course it is reasonable not to have a difficult family member every year. Frankly you're being fucking heroic having her for Christmas any year at all. You take as many years off as you need.

Were his parents divorced and his mum got nothing? How come dad left his estate to your dh? Sorry, just trying to understand the background a bit.

Given she’s left her ailing 90 year old mum alone, I’d remind her of that when she whinges that’s she’s not seeing you. Major hypocrite, isn’t she?

@Jeeperscreepers69 are you missing the bit where the mil has fallen out with everyone and leaves her own ailing 90 year old mother alone?

She is horrible. Stop giving her so much access. Help DH stop reading all her messages.

Maybe do what DH and I did for a while: you read all the messages, he doesn't and you tell him if there is anything important. Example of summary from DH to me "Usual stuff, nothing you need reply to." In fact, that was his summary for almost every single letter. It was bliss. Now I am detached enough to grey rock with ease myself.

Goodness me, she expected him to leave his money to her? She sounds very odd. I think withdrawal is the way forward!

I suspect that Jeeperscreepers69 is also someone who treats other people shittily and then expects them to take her/him in whenever s/he demands it.

Fortunately there is no obligation to behave like a doormat.

No problem, @Jeeperscreepers69 is volunteering to have her for you!

Grey rock grey rock. Not long now til Christmas so just minimal contact until after. Is your DH an only?

I'm old.

One thing I have learned is twisting yourself into shapes to oblige and make nice and accomodate is a waste of time and very damaging to your own psyche. The takers of this world just take more is all that happens. You are validating them in their entitled brattishness if you even give them a half inch.

I know I may sound mad, but Xmas is one day max 2. Can’t you just arrange to see her for a couple of hours either before or after Christmas?

Can't DH go and see her on his own sometime? Maybe he should suggest time to suit him & then maybe she would be happy & stop pestering?
I do find it odd your families have never met though?

I don't think it will be feasible (for him) to discount her over the Christmas period so some sort of coping measure will be needed

Why is it not feasible? Why is he obliged to spend time with someone who treats everyone around her like shit?
Best way to cope is to stop spending time with horrible people and enjoy Xmas.

She is still his mum at the end of the day.

Christmas is too special to me to allow anyone who isn't one of my favourite people to be in it. Don't let her ruin it.
She can have some non-special days for visiting.

She is still his mum at the end of the day.

And what?
She’s nasty and manipulative and on her own because of the way she treats others.
Being biologically related to someone doesn’t mean you have to tolerate crappy behaviour.

Good. You have snapped. Cut her out of your life 100%. never ever see her again, never talk to her again. Never think of something so stupid as killing yourself to avoid blocking someone's phone number after telling them forcefully you will never see them again. Cutting her out of your life is 100% under your control. Exercise that control.