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Original poster

How to explain I'm pissed off without seeming ungrateful.

93 replies

Florencenotflo · 22/11/2019 16:42

I'm pissed off with DH but I want to know if I'm being ungrateful or not. It's my 30th Birthday soon, I don't want a big fuss making I hate being the centre of attention. When DH asked what I would like to do, I said I'd like to go out for a meal with all our family. There is a lovely local pub near my mum and dad which has a play area for Dd. Anyway, long story short something else has been planned. I only know snippets because my nan has mentioned something that she wasn't supposed to. I'm guessing a weekend away, possibly with all our family and quite possibly about a 4 hour drive away.

Now while this sounds lovely we have a nearly 4 year old and a 3 month old. A weekend away with those two is a bit of a busmans holiday, same shit different place. But I get how DH will have thought it would be nice so I'll have a lovely time no doubt.

Anyway, today I get a text notification from our bank (some sort of authorisation code) DH has spent nearly £170 on ticket master. He didn't realise the code went to my
Phone number and called me to get it. I asked what it was for, he said my birthday. He doesn't know that the text said ticketmaster on it. I'm pissed off because he asked me the other night if I liked x band. I said no not really, I could probably only name one song of theirs. DH then said "oh I'd love to see them" I said to him that we couldn't afford it right now anyway. I'm on mat leave and money is tight anyway this time of year.

It's really annoyed me. More because there was a band I wanted to see last year, but at £60 a ticket I couldn't justify that amount of money so I didn't go. But he's spent £170 on a band I wouldn't even buy the fucking album of! And it's my birthday present. So I'm meant to be grateful. To him he's bought something thoughtful and expensive and yes we will probably have a nice day together. But £170!!!

I think it's annoying me more because he has a habit of doing things for my birthday that are actually things he wants to do. Last year he took me to a spa for my birthday, which sounds lovely. But I fucking hate spa's and he knows that! And I was pregnant, so
I couldn't use the steam room, sauna etc even if I wanted to. So I spent the two days we were there reading my book in the bar area.

Am I being ungrateful? I really want to ask him to cancel the tickets.

OP posts:
Breathlessness · 22/11/2019 17:29

It’s a bit

Sorry to hear you’re struggling.

Original poster
Florencenotflo · 22/11/2019 17:31

I do usually @Ragwort but I got told that this one was being done for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florencenotflo · 22/11/2019 17:32

Thank you @Newcatmum very handy!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 22/11/2019 17:33

if your husband has spent £170 on a band you explicitly said you didn't want to see, because he wants to see them, then fuck worrying about sounding ungrateful. What a selfish prick.

This.

You need to say something now whilst you can still potentially cancel them.

I’d be hopping mad, probably cry and then ask wtf he never listened to what I actually wanted to do.

Notodontidae · 22/11/2019 17:34

Run with it at the moment, as the whole family is involved, when it comes to his BD, get tickets for something you enjoy.

Original poster
Florencenotflo · 22/11/2019 17:35

He's home at 7 so I'll ask him. 24 hours would be up to tomorrow afternoon so it should be ok.

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 22/11/2019 17:38

With the cooling off period, you need to speak to him now.

Ask if its tickets for x band as you thought youd been clear you dont like them and dont want to go see them. You know ticket master have a 24 hour refund policy so think it's best you tell him now so he can get the money back, and spend it on a gift you would like. You can give him ideas if hes struggling to think of anything.

Be clear your ideal gift would not be gig tickets.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 22/11/2019 17:42

I was totally going to say its a bowling ball Breathlessness. DH and I have a running joke about bowling ball presents.

eddielizzard · 22/11/2019 17:43

I think it's really shit to buy you birthday gifts that you don't like, that he does, and then be called ungrateful. So I'd definitely drop some hints about how much you don't like that band. And if he goes ahead and ignores your other requests, I'd do the same back to him. He obviously doesn't get it, so make sure he gets it.

Ask him what he'd like for his birthday. Make a big show of listening. And then book something you want to do that he'd hate. Then wait for the penny to drop.

stayathomegardener · 22/11/2019 17:43

A really simple question would be.

Please tell me the ticker master authorisation code was not for the band I said I didn't want to see?

His answer would be quite telling.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 22/11/2019 17:46

I’d be really pissed off about This and would tell him ahead of time you aren’t accepting this present as he’s just bought it for himself and he needs to buy you an actual present. If he wants to consider it his own birthday present that’s fine but he needs to buy you something.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 22/11/2019 17:47

Yes do ask him “what did You buy in ticketmaster?”

Giraffey1 · 22/11/2019 17:47

I think the weekend might not be just his idea, and I think you will probably have a good time. Which you’ve already acknowledged. But the concert thing,, if he has booked for a group you’re not keen on then I think you need to call him out on it now do he can do something about it.
My STBX H once had a ‘surprise’ planned for me ( I hate surprises especially his SS they generally aren’t my idea of nice things). It was an opera HE had always wanted to go to. I don’t even like opera much. Trouble is, I didn’t feel I could say anything at the time as it would have made the whole day and evening really uncomfortable. Don’t get caught in the same trap.

BuildBuildings · 22/11/2019 17:50

I actually think you're right to be annoyed. I don't think you're being ungrateful. I think he's actually being quite selfish under the guise of being generous.

3xmonsters · 22/11/2019 17:50

If it's The Killers, I'll but the tickets from you as I couldn't get any!

Lulualla · 22/11/2019 17:51

You need to be really clear with him. Tell him that you're feeling completely pushed aside because he asked what you wanted to do, and you told him. He's then gone and planned something totally different because it's what he wants.
He's going to get angry and say you're ungrateful or trying to spollil the fun, but you need to hold firm. Explain that it's actually really very rude and hurtful to know that your wants will always be ignored because he wants to do something else. Explain that this is your birthday and you've asked for a dinner with your family. Also remind him that you already told him you don't want to see that band but he's bought them anyway because he wants to see them. Point out that he's making everyhring about him and for him, so why should you he grateful for that. You'd be grateful if he would just listen to your feelings and give you what you want when it's your birthday.

AdobeWanKenobi · 22/11/2019 17:53

The cooling off period must be fairly recent. But the consumer forums were always full of complaints about not being able to refund tickets.

messolini9 · 22/11/2019 17:54

Am I being ungrateful? I really want to ask him to cancel the tickets.

No you are not - especially as DH has form for foisting gifts on you which he knows damn well you do not like or want.

I'm more concerned that you don't know whether you are being unreasonable. does DH also have form for ignoring your wishes on a day-to-day basis? Does he always get his own way? Is he generally selfish? Does he usually not listen to a bloody word you say? Does he usually spend money you haven't got on things you don't want?

I think it's high time you focused less on feelings of enforced gratitude & far more on being heard in your marriage.

Yes, you should make him return the tickets.
You should also have a good long chat with him.
Along the lines of 'DH, you knew last birthday that I hate spas, yet you sent me to one. You know this birthday that I don;t like band X, told you that I don't want to see them & we cant afford it - & lo & behold you have bought tickets despite my clear preference, because YOU want to go, but you thought you'd dress it up as pretending it's about my birthday. It isn't - it's about what YOU want & I am sick of you not listening to me.'

TheWernethWife · 22/11/2019 17:54

Lulualla - you have said it completely right - OP is being ignored. My DP knows I hate surprises and would never do anything like that.

messolini9 · 22/11/2019 17:57

I'm not very good at explaining how I feel, and I've been accused of being miserable in the past when I've poo pooed ideas he's had.

Classic.
You tell him what you like. He poo poohs it.
You tell him what you don't like. He buys it "for you".
Then his idiotic & selfish behaviours are YOUR fault if you dare to challenge him?

This is about far more than you being pissed off about an unwanted birthday present, isn't it OP?

fedup21 · 22/11/2019 18:00

I'm not very good at explaining how I feel, and I've been accused of being miserable in the past when I've poo pooed ideas he's had.

That sounds like he’s deliberately misunderstanding you, packaging up something he wants as a gift for you and the calling you ungrateful when you object!

I expect that you’re actually perfectly fine at explaining how you feel, it’s just that he doesn’t want to hear it!

Sleepyhead19 · 22/11/2019 18:03

This happened with my ex every time I was bought something (if he even bothered). Once was a night in London to see a show I said I didn’t want to see. It was ok but when I knew it was tickets I was over the moon thinking it was another show. Turns out since he didn’t want to see it, he chose the one I didn’t want to see.
I asked for the tickets for the one I wanted to see every Xmas and bday for 4 years. I never got them and the show ended.
This year I know he has already bought me perfume for my bday even though I asked for a new bag I desperately need as I broke my everyday one. He said he wasn’t getting the perfume (I asked as I saw it on a Black Friday deal) so I bought it for myself (which I never do). When he saw me open it, he asked what I thought I was doing and I said I bought it for myself and he said but I also got you that from the kids. I give up. I could’ve got myself a bag 😂.
I always, always bought him things he wanted so I share your disappointment! I’d be very upset having to travel so far with little ones to do something I didn’t want to do.
I really hope you can talk to him and get the money back.

SongforSal · 22/11/2019 18:03

I think you should ask him. If he confirms the band then make it clear that isn't a present for you. He could sell the tickets and not make a loss.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 22/11/2019 18:04

I was fully supportive of your 'pissed-offness' until you said he thinks you have PND. I think although he knows it's not your favourite band, he's thinking the entire experience might be nice and help to break the monotony of looking after DCs. I don't think he's being entirely selfish but trying to make the best of the situation and they're the band that's available atm. I'd actually cut him some slack.

I hope you get support for your PND Flowers

ittakes2 · 22/11/2019 18:05

You seem to be assuming these are tickets to that band. They could be but might not be.

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