How to explain I'm pissed off without seeming ungrateful.

[Florencenotflo]

I'm pissed off with DH but I want to know if I'm being ungrateful or not. It's my 30th Birthday soon, I don't want a big fuss making I hate being the centre of attention. When DH asked what I would like to do, I said I'd like to go out for a meal with all our family. There is a lovely local pub near my mum and dad which has a play area for Dd. Anyway, long story short something else has been planned. I only know snippets because my nan has mentioned something that she wasn't supposed to. I'm guessing a weekend away, possibly with all our family and quite possibly about a 4 hour drive away.

Now while this sounds lovely we have a nearly 4 year old and a 3 month old. A weekend away with those two is a bit of a busmans holiday, same shit different place. But I get how DH will have thought it would be nice so I'll have a lovely time no doubt.

Anyway, today I get a text notification from our bank (some sort of authorisation code) DH has spent nearly £170 on ticket master. He didn't realise the code went to my
Phone number and called me to get it. I asked what it was for, he said my birthday. He doesn't know that the text said ticketmaster on it. I'm pissed off because he asked me the other night if I liked x band. I said no not really, I could probably only name one song of theirs. DH then said "oh I'd love to see them" I said to him that we couldn't afford it right now anyway. I'm on mat leave and money is tight anyway this time of year.

It's really annoyed me. More because there was a band I wanted to see last year, but at £60 a ticket I couldn't justify that amount of money so I didn't go. But he's spent £170 on a band I wouldn't even buy the fucking album of! And it's my birthday present. So I'm meant to be grateful. To him he's bought something thoughtful and expensive and yes we will probably have a nice day together. But £170!!!

I think it's annoying me more because he has a habit of doing things for my birthday that are actually things he wants to do. Last year he took me to a spa for my birthday, which sounds lovely. But I fucking hate spa's and he knows that! And I was pregnant, so
I couldn't use the steam room, sauna etc even if I wanted to. So I spent the two days we were there reading my book in the bar area.

Am I being ungrateful? I really want to ask him to cancel the tickets.

Which plan @misspiggy19 the weekend away or the tickets.

I'm fairly certain of the tickets (explained up thread).

And the weekend away again, I'm fairly certain of. My nan asked me where we are staying in Devon for my birthday and that Mum has told her all about the house we were all staying in. My mum then shot her a look that could kill and I was told to just forget I'd ever heard anything.

Are you seeing the killers op?

To be honest @HollowTalk if it is what I think (weekend away with all my family) then it probably will be quite nice. Not my first choice admittedly but my family are lovely and we all get on really well. We'll probably have a day out or two, a few drinks. Plus plenty of people there to help entertain the kids. Youngest will be nearly 6 months by then.

I think so @icantbecani do you want 2 tickets 😂

I think I would be honest at this point, ask if he's booked a table at the restaurant you want to go to because that will need to be sorted early with it being a big party and then while you're on the birthday subject, bring up what he spent the £170 on and say you hope it isn't on tickets for XXX when he knows you're not keen

YANBU, unless it's The Killers, if it is then YABVVU indeed!

Hopefully it all works out, I can see your point though!

Why don't you put a Killers song on and then say, "Oh god, I hate this bloody band" and turn it off. Then carry on blithely doing whatever you were doing and watch him panic

Sorry @TokyoSushi 🙈 I think it is. Bet you can't guess what the one song of theirs I that I know!

Too subtle @HollowTalk I don't think he'd know their music either really. Just a few of their most popular ones.

I'd be really pissed off. I don't think you seem ungrateful. You have a limited amount of money, you've expressed what you'd like for your birthday, and your OH has decided that what you want doesn't really matter.

So he just doesn't listen at all, but does what he wants and expects you to be grateful for a trip away and a concert you didn't want. Fuck that. I'd be upset and ask him who these gifts are really for - you or him?

I am beyond jealous! Think of me when you're there!!

This would piss me off too. I'd say in a faux-jokey way, "I hope that authorisation code wasn't you buying Killers tickets, you know I'm not really into them and I'd be pretty disappointed if you spent all that money on a band I don't really like". Give him a chance to sell them on eBay or something.

Is he the kind of person that will call you ungrateful? If so, it's him being a twat, not you being ungrateful.

I used to hate big get togethers but actually I find it much easier than just going away with dc, the other adults can help out with dc and I actually get to sit down!

Just want to pop in and say Ticketmaster have a 24 hour cooling period to get a refund as long as the event isn't within the next 14 days. I bought tickets for an event last night and then submitted a request refund about half an hour later and have just been refunded today.

Remind him right now that you do not want tickets for your birthday so if he bought them for you he'd better sell them on. I'd do that by text asap.

God I saw the Killers last year and they were amazing, I had to sit on my hands not to buy tickets today...

But if you don't like them, it was selfish for him to buy them and pretend their a gift. It's not a gift. It's something he wants to do. And teamed with the fact that he has ignored what you wanted to do to book a weekend away, that again isn't much of a present for you...

I'd be asking him to arrange the meal. The Killers tickets are selling fast so he should be able to get the money back, perhaps minus the booking fee. Then have the conversation about how selfish this has been after you've had a nice birthday. Right now he just needs to fix it. If he's a good guy, you won't really need to do much other than point out that he's arranged a birthday that he wants, rather than the one you want, and ask him to fix it.

Surely the best thing is to always arrange your own birthday rather than relying on someone else to try & organise a ‘surprise’, I always arrange my own birthday celebration party or meal out, I take charge & choose what I want to do. My DH does the same. Everyone’s happy.

Just want to pop in and say Ticketmaster have a 24 hour cooling period to get a refund as long as the event isn't within the next 14 days. I bought tickets for an event last night and then submitted a request refund about half an hour later and have just been refunded today.

Even better

I think he's done it for good reasons, he thinks I've got post natal depression, which I'm inclined to agree with at the moment. Everything can feel quite overwhelming and I can feel pretty miserable sometimes (and it was a friend that said I seemed miserable, not DH), but I do a good job of hiding it if needed. I don't feel like we get an awful lot of time with him at home as a family because of how much he's working. But he's working more to earn extra money. We certainly don't get much time alone together because if he is off he wants to spend it as a family.

So I think he's probably thinking that it'll be a nice opportunity for us to have a night away, a nice meal, concert etc. But we could have had a meal closer to home and the kids could have gone to my Mum for a sleepover.

I'd ask him straight out this evening. By all means let him keep the tickets and sell one on to a friend who likes the band to recoup some of the cost, but tell him that he is not to consider that it's a gift to you. Or if he gives you the tickets for your birthday you should sell them straight away and keep the money and buy something you would actually use. I bought tickets for Dh to a gig I genuinely thought he'd be interested - wrong! I told him numerous times to sell the tickets on but he didn't and he went to the gig. I'll never buy him gig tickets again.

Just flat out ask him what tickets he has been buying as you now know and need to sort out child care. If it is a band you dont want to see and have already said you dont then point this out. You could even get a plain white sheet and paint I hate the killers on it. If he still doesn't get it suggest you take the sheet to the concert

I would go mental at the thoughtlessness of it! YANBU

With the 24 hour cooling off period info you have to talk to him now....just be honest say you got the text and ask him outright....if he's starts to humph ask him how he would feel if you got him tickets to bakeoff live (insert other activity that you are into that he dislikes) and that it makes you think that he doesn't think or care about your wishes that he doesn't see you as a separate person

Actually, this would be the perfect opportunity to teach DH about gaslighting, and how this is another perfect example of when he does it. He asks what she wants, ignores it completely, then buys tickets for a band she doesn’t like, expects her to go and pretend to be grateful and to pretend to have a great time because that’s what he wants to do, when she gets a shit birthday present and is down a crap ton of money that neither of them can afford.