Tell me your best jokes!!

[starshinee]

Lets hear your most funny/cheesy jokes

What's the definition of a tarka dhal?

It's similar to most other types of curry, but it's a little 'otter.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Made the mistake of starting to read this thread in the library. I'll have to come back to it when I'm home, my chortling is bothering people!

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Archbishop of Canterbury and a boy scout 'Meet the VIPs' competition winner are in a very small aeroplane on their way to an international 'Politics & Religion' conference.

Suddenly, the pilot bursts into the main cabin screaming and tells them "The engines have failed! I'm sorry, but we're going to crash - and I've checked our inventory and we're one parachute short - we only have 4 on board. I need to take one of them as it's my professional duty to report back how this disaster happened, to improve future air-travel safety." The pilot grabs a pack and jumps out of the plane.

Trump proclaims "I am the greatest person who has ever lived and the leader of the free world - there's no question that I should have one. My country needs me!" He grabs a pack and jumps.

Boris looks flustered and says "Oh, erm, crikey - um, that's a bit strong and I certainly wouldn't have put it like that - very infra dig and all that - but, erm, what he said!" He grabs a pack and jumps.

The Archbishop turns to the scout and says "Listen, son - I'm not a young man any more and I have no fear of the afterlife. You take that last parachute and get yourself to safety."

The lad replies "Thank you, sir, but that won't be necessary. There are still two parachutes left - Trump took my rucksack!"

Donald Trump is in a White House elevator and an intern gets in after him and notices that his shoes have a logo on them, saying 'TGIF'.

She politely says, "Erm, Mr President - it's actually Wednesday!"

He replies "It most certainly is. I know that. Why do you feel the need to tell me that? I am the greatest observer of the calendar in the world!"

Another intern joins at the next floor and notices the shoes. He says "Mr President, Sir, it's Wednesday today!"

Trump sighs and shakes his head and mutters "I know this very well. Why do these imbeciles keep doubting me?"

A third intern joins at the next floor, notices the shoes and tells him the same.

Trump gets annoyed and asks them all "Why are you all telling me this?" One of them quietly says "It's your shoes, Sir. They say 'TGIF'."

"What does that have to do with anything?" he asks, exasperatedly. "These are my wonderful shoes and are the most efficient, user-friendly footwear in the world!"

Another intern asks him "Well, what does 'TGIF' mean, then?"

He harumphs and shouts "Exactly what you'd naturally assume - Toes Go In First!!!"

It's a good job I'm alone, that Boy Scout one has had me genuinely laughing out loud! I love the one about the chimps too.

A few more from me:

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight, so I've made up a bed for him.

I went to a Michelin-starred restaurant last night. I ordered pelican strogonoff. It was absolutely amazing. The only down side was the bill was massive.

Two hikers see a huge bear running toward them. One hiker drops his backpack, throws off his boots, and starts lacing up a pair of running shoes. The other hiker says: You'll never outrun that bear! The first hiker replies: I don't have to outrun the bear.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

I don't understand the two hikers one!

The first hiker doesn’t have to outrun the bear, only the other hiker. Bear will catch and eat the slowest!

I just got a job with Robinsons, extracting the excess water from the fruit juice. I'm finding it OK, but it's very hard to concentrate.

I bought some second-hand trainers on eBay that used to belong to Howard Marks. I don't know what he'd laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

I heard the worrying news that children who are tormented at school will often themselves go on to make other children's lives a complete misery, so I went to the local school to launch a public campaign and raise awareness. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped as a group of thugs surrounded me and smashed up my bike. In hindsight, maybe I should have reworded the placard which said "Bullies - Break the Cycle!"

Everybody laughed at me when I bought a scissor factory at a bargain-basement price owing to the fact that there's an asteroid heading directly towards it. However, what they don't know is that I've also bought the paper factory next door and I've got my employees there working around the clock to make an absolutely gigantic single sheet that will be able to fully enclose it.

I've just read online that the actor Vincent was older than the singer Alan, who in turn is heavier than the model Katie. That's a fascinating Price Comparison website.

I went to a nutritionist the other day and told her I was after a good natural source of vitamins A, B1, B2, C, D & E, as well as minerals including zinc, iodine, magnesium, iron, potassium, copper and calcium. She instantly replied "Sea kelp". THAT'S precisely why I'd asked her in the first place!

I had a nasty accident with a chainsaw the other day. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many of my digits the surgeon managed to save.

Everybody I met in the meat aisle at Sainsbury's in Dundee thought I seemed a bit sad, for some reason. I wasn't - I was just looking for Lorne.

Have you ever noticed how many famous racing drivers have links to Scottish towns? Eddie Irvine, Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Ayr Town Centre....

Interesting how sycophants claim to love EVERYTHING - apart from ants, by the sound of it.

I was at a petrol station earlier today and it was their 75th anniversary, so they were selling it at 1944 prices. The thought of it made me so emotional, I just stood there filling up.

I've just started a new niche business, combining an apiary and a snooker accessory shop. I'm confident of success - I've already heard a lot of people talking about it. It's called Bee and Cue.

On my way to a party, I texted the hosts to say I was en route, but my stupid autocorrect has changed it to 'en croute'. I now only have 45 minutes to encase myself entirely in pastry.

I went to the first ever Feline Rear Of The Year competition today. It didn't go very well at all, I'm afraid. It was a cat ass trophy.

I was at a mass meeting today that really went pear-shaped. Thankfully, it was a conference.

People without any individual digits on the end of their feet really annoy me. I'm lactose intolerant.

Netflix have just completed a comprehensive survey of viewing preferences based on customers' occupations. When asked "Which is your all-time favourite motion picture?", 86% of GPs said The Bristol Stool Chart.

The worst pub I ever visited was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

I've just been fired from my role as an advisor at the Job Centre following a blazing row with the manager. He told me to make sure I come in tomorrow.

I met a centaur at the shops the other day. He told me his two favourite clothes shops are TopMan and BottomHorse.

I was thrilled to be invited to take part in a karaoke competition with a judging panel made up of 5 top household-name musicians. I was devastated when the first 4 voted that I was rubbish, but Barry Gibb spoke very highly of me.

My Grandad was constantly warning people that the Titanic was going to sink. Nobody listened, but he kept trying to warn them - until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

An apple turnover costs £2.50 in Jamaica, a strawberry flan is £2.75 in Barbados and a raspberry torte will set you back £3.00 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't got a gig yet.

I called BT and told them I wanted to report a nuisance caller. He said "Not you again!"

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza and completely ruined it. It was my fault - I should have cooked it on aloha setting.

A good friend's parents divorced when he was young. His dad fought hard for joint custody. He got his elbows.

I'm a currently-unemployed microbiologist specialising in analysing stool samples. At the moment, I'm between jobbies.

A Cockney friend of mine has a market stall selling shampoo. I asked him how much he charges for it and he said "Pantene!".

My uncle died recently - very sad, he was crushed by a piano. His funeral was very low key. B flat.

My partner started a row with me the other day, said to me "You are so vain that, if you looked up the word 'Vain' in a dictionary, you'd just see a picture of your face." Now.... what on earth am I going to do with 629 dictionaries?

A friend of mine had a nasty accident when he fell into the machinery at the upholstery factory he works at. Thankfully, he's fully recovered now.

Another friend wasn't so lucky and he died at the chemicals factory he worked at when he fell in the huge VAT where they make the varnish. Obviously, we were all very sad at the funeral, but he had a lovely finish.

Why do moths fly with their legs open?

Have you seen the size of moth balls?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

You can’t say that Hitler was bad through and through: he did kill Hitler, after all.

A man went to a ventriloquist show and was chosen from the audience to be the stooge.

After half an hour of jokes being made at his expense, he stormed up to the stage and said "Stop it! How dare you! I am NOT as stupid as you keep making out!"

The ventriloquist started to apologise and said it was just meant to be a bit of fun, but the man interrupted and shouted at him "YOU keep out of this! Mind your own business! I'm not talking to you - I'm talking to that little fella sitting on your knee!!"

I stepped out of my front door this morning and this crazy man instantly started pelting me with yoghurt, milk, cheese and cream.

How dairy!