Tell me your best jokes!!

[starshinee]

Lets hear your most funny/cheesy jokes

What's brown, smelly and under the piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

A teenage boy invites his new girlfriend to his place for dinner and to meet his family. She arrives and they sit at the table to eat, with the cute little family dog nestling down at the girlfriend's feet.

She's very nervous at it all and desperate to make a good impression, and she accidentally lets go a squeaky little fart. The boy's father says "Rover!!!"

Shortly, she realises that she's going to have to fart again and, despite her best efforts, the next one has quite a rich, unmistakeable tone to it. Again, the father calls "Rover!!!"

She thinks this is great, how polite they're being and blaming her little episodes on the dog, so she now has no hesitation in letting them go without any attempt to hold them back and does three more horrendous trumps, each noisier and razzier than the last and, each time, the father shouts "Rover!!!"

Finally, she dispatches the longest, noisiest, raspiest stinkiest one known to humankind and the father actually rises from his chair and bellows at the top of his voice "ROVER!!! COME AWAY FROM HER NOW BEFORE SHE SH*TS ON YOU!!!!"

Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first.

I asked Elton John if he could name all the counties of England. He got them all bar one. Surrey seems to be the hardest word.

Boy George has opened a zoo. There’s only 6 animals there… Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Chameleon.

The shoplifter who is stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.

New zookeeper accidentally kills some birds, so he throws them into the lion cage. Next he runs over a couple of chimps in his van so he throws them into the lion cage. Then he drops a bee hive so he throws that into the lion cage as well. New lion arrives and asks what the food's like. Another lion says 'So so normally, but today we had finch, chimps and mushy bees.'

Man tells his wife she’s drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.

Last from me!

I’ve just taken up speed reading. I can now read War and Peace in just 20 seconds. It’s only three words, but it’s a start!

A friend replaced his bed with a trampoline without telling his partner. She hit the roof.

A snail crawls into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says 'Hey, we don't serve snails!' and kicks the snail out. Two weeks later the bartender opens the door and sees the same snail again. The snail says 'What was that all about?'

Queen: I'd like some extra-lacy gold-work on my new crown please Crown maker: Filigree? Queen: I don't give a fuck what he thinks

Gazza is invited to a garden party at Buckingham Palace and the Queen is mingling, handing out canapes and nibbles.

She calls to him: "Mr Gascoigne - I'm sure you'd like a cucumber sandwich or a meringue?"

He replies: "Ye're not wrang, Pet - I'd love a cucumber sandwich, man!"

How do you make a duck into a 70's pop star?

Leave it out in the hot sun all day until its Bill Withers.

Two eggs are in a pan of boiling water.
One says: "Wow, it's hot in here."
The other says: "Wait until they get you outside - they'll bash your head in with a spoon!"

Which is the messier sport, netball or basketball?
Basketball, because the players dribble. Also, netball players wear bibs, just in case.

At a sports match, who will be jumping up and down screaming one moment, and sobbing in a chair the next?
The coach.

Boy George has opened a zoo. There’s only 6 animals there…Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Chameleon.

I went to an animal enclosure attraction once and all they had there was one single dog.
It was a shih tzu.

A very young couple had identical twin boys, but were unable to look after them themselves, so they were put up for adoption. One of them went to Saudi Arabia, where his adoptive parents named him Amal, and the other went to a couple in Spain, who called him Juan.

18 years passed and the adoption agency wrote to tell them that their now-adult sons had got in touch and would like to meet them. The woman was delighted and told her husband.

He was very excited at seeing what effects the passage of time and growing up had had, so he said "Fantastic! I'll book a flight to Spain right now!"

His wife was puzzled and said "But won't we also need to book tickets to Saudi as well?"

The husband looked nonchalant and said "No, just Spain will be fine. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

A simple lad went to a shop selling all manner of timepieces and asked to buy a potato clock.

The man behind the counter scratched his head and said "I've been a qualified horologist for 40 years, but I've never heard of one of those? What do they look like?"

The lad replied, "No idea at all - it's just that I'm starting my first job on Monday and I have to be there at 9am sharp, so my Dad told me I would have to get a potato clock."

I went to B&Q to look at the outdoor timber department and an assistant appeared out of nowhere, asking if I wanted decking.

Thankfully, I managed to get the first punch in and knocked him clean out.

When I was younger, my parents sent me to a child psychologist.

The boy was useless....

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

That works in a Glaswegian accent too

I've heard this version:

A guy walks into a bakers in Glasgow and asks the person behind the counter, "is that a cake or a meringue?". The person replies, "aye, you're right, it's a cake"

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll That's a good one! Even better because potato clocks do exist.

Why did the man drown in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant.

I put a ghost boomerang on eBay the other day. That's gonna come back to haunt me.

What's the difference between a grimy old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

love the "first a Gibson, then a Fender" one!

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Coz he was out standing in his field.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

What's the difference between and Lentil and a chickpea? I've never had a Lentil on my face.

(Scottish accent needed)

Two cows in a field. Which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

A gorilla walks into a pub and sits at the bar. The landlord is a bit surprised, but asks him what he'd like. The gorilla orders a pint, which the landlord pours him. After finishing the pint, the gorilla says "How much do I owe you?"

The landlord recalls that gorillas aren't as smart as humans, so he takes the piss and says "20 quid". The gorilla puts two tenners down on the bar and starts to leave.

His curiosity gets the better of him, so the landlord says "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies "At 20 quid a pint, I'm not surprised.".

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana