Tell me your best jokes!!

[starshinee]

Lets hear your most funny/cheesy jokes

A woodpecker goes into a pub and the barman says "That's a co-incidence - we have a cider in here named after you!"
The woodpecker says "Really - you sell a cider called Trevor?!"

I was invited to a fancy dress party and I said I wanted to go as a Mediterranean island.
Everybody told me: don't be Sicily!

[wave left hand]
Why does the Queen NEVER ever wave with this hand?
Because it's my hand.

A cute little girl with a lisp goes into a pet shop, stands next to the rodent cages and asks the shopkeeper "Could I have thicth of your mithe, pleath." The shopkeeper bends down to her and says "No problem at all, Sweetheart - now, do you want 6 brown mice, 6 white mice or 3 of each?" She grins up at him and replies "It doethn't really matter - I don't think my python really giveth a thyit!"

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

With jam in

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Euripides.
Euripides who?
You rippa dese trousers, you menda dese trousers!

I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

One night a couple hear a knock on the door and both look at each other not wanting to get out of bed. They ignore it but it persists so they feel guilty and the man slips out and down the stairs to open the door. Outside is a man in the pouring rain and he says "is there any way you could give me a push, mate?"

The man inside thinks selfishly of his wife in bed and says "sorry mate I'm not coming out there" and shut the door.
He climbs upstairs and gets in bed with his wife. He feels guilty but he was soon comfortable and warm and he drifts off to sleep.
15 minutes later there was a knock at the door again. The man jumps out of his bed, pissed off and puts on his dressing gown.
He arrives at the door and opens it. It was still pouring down and with the door open there was no one there. The man calls "hello! Is there anyone there?" A voice returns from the distance "I'm over here on the swing".

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.

I went to the best ever burger van today.
It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory.
I had to send in 2CVs.

I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so i tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in A&E now waiting to see a cardyologist.

My kids keep laughing at my failing memory but hey, won’t be laughing at Christmas when there's no eggs under the bonfire.

Racking my brains who sang "My Generation"?

I walked into B&Q the other day and this bloke in an orange and black uniform asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was that but others may not be as lucky, so be on your guard.

If Benny and Björn had been Steve and Dave, they would have been known as ASDA.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - oops sorry!

My mate has started a yacht building business in his attic. Sales have gone through the roof.

This guy, Matt, was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion Matt bought a centipede, who came complete with a cute, little box to use as his house.

Matt decided the best way to welcome his pet centipede into his life would be to take him to the local watering hole for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, ‘Would you like to go to Frank’s
place with me to have a beer?’

There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Matt a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked the centipede again, ‘How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?’

Again, there was no answer from his new pet centipede, so he waited a few minutes more, stewing about the situation. He asked one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, ‘Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?

This time, a little voice came out of the box: ‘I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my fucking shoes!

A man goes into a pub accompanied by another - very small - man, no more than a foot and a half tall. They find a table and the taller man takes a keyboard out of his bag, which the tiny man then begins to play very skillfully, and he also takes a frog out of his pocket.

He gets chatting to the landlord, who is very impressed with the music, and he asks him what's with the frog. The man tells him that the frog is a genie who will grant wishes. He's highly proficient in the magic arts but there's just one small drawback....

The landlord is wide-eyed and, before the man can explain any further, the landlord says "Hey, genie-frog - can I have a million pounds, please?!" Instantly, he hears a deafening barking sound and goes out to the street, where there's an endless sea of basset hounds for as far as his eyes can see.

Meanwhile, another punter has overheard and has a go. He says "Hey, genie-frog - can you replace my little cottage with an enormous house, please?!" He rushes to the window and looks over the road, where he lives and, instead of his little home, there's now a 100ft-high mouse there.

They both look back to the man who brought the frog in and say "Well, he's absolutely amazing, but he does seem to be little deaf, doesn't he?!"

The man replies, "Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you before you rushed in with your wishes. Do you think I really asked him for an 18-inch pianist?!"

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?....

..... dam!!

A woman goes into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher, "Do you have a sheep's head?"

"How rude!" the butcher says. "It's just the way I part my hair!"

A man walks into a bakery and asks, "Can I have a mince round?"

The baker replies, "You can walk however you like!"

Why was 6 afraid of 7 ?
789.

Two peanuts walked down a road.

One was assaulted.

Ba-boom-tish.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar.
The barman looks up and says
"Is this some kind of joke?"

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dunnop....
Dunnop who?
Eww!!! That’s disgusting!

Customer to waiter, in posh restaurant, looking at wine list :"Do you have a White Macon? "
Waiter: "No, this is my uniform."

What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway.

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he needed a poo.

How do KFC make their popcorn chicken so smooth & shiny?
Kernel sanders.

A woman is sitting on a bench in the park and she sees two council workmen going about their jobs.

She watches as the first man digs a good deep hole in the soil beds and then the second man promptly fills the hole back in again.

After they've done this 59 times, she goes over and asks "I don't want to be rude, Chaps, but what are you actually achieving in doing this?"

One of the men replies "We're just doing our jobs as we're instructed and paid to do, Madam. It isn't our fault that Colin, who plants the trees, called in sick today."

Two drunks are slowly stumbling home from the pub and they take a wrong turning and find themselves walking along a disused railway line.

The first man says "These stairs go on forever - we must be near the top soon!"

The second man replies "The endless stairs don't bother me at all - it's these ridiculously low banisters that are killing my back!"

I’ve invented a new word - Plagiarism!

Mathematician was so afraid of negative numbers she’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar. Get out of here, yells the bartender, we don’t serve your type!

Where are average things manufactured?
At the satisfactory.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

I heard about a man who was so thrilled at receiving wonderful news whilst on his busy daily commute that he was dancing and bouncing around the platform with joy - so energetically that he slipped and fell on to the tracks.

He was chuffed to bits.

A woman is sitting on a bench in the park and she sees two council workmen going about their jobs

That one sounds too realistic and believable to be a joke, WeBuilt! 😐

Tony the zookeeper is transporting some chimps to the zoo when his van breaks down on the road. He waves down a car and says to the fella, “if I give you £50 will you take these chimps to the zoo for me?”

“Sure” says Jimmy and off he goes with the chimps.

An hour later Tony sees Jimmy heading back towards him with a car full of chimps. He waves him over.

Tony: “Jimmy I asked to to take them to the zoo!”

Jimmy: “I did but we had money left over so now we’re going to the cinema”

Why did the attractive female diner in the low-cut top slap the sommelier?

Because he kept coming to her table with a cheeky little semillon.