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Original poster

Getting my mum to downsize

68 replies

RobertSmithsguyliner · 10/11/2019 15:29

My DM lives in the family home which is basically getting too big for her. It's starting to get rundown and tired and is needing a bit of money spent on it. My DM has been a widow for a few years now and none of my 4 siblings live nearby her. She does have a number of good friends in the area but they are getting older and all seem to have health issues or partners that do.

Anyway , although mum is in good health, she's slowing down and is now in her mid 70s. I would really like her to downsize and maybe move closer to me and some of my siblings and other extended family members such as her sister, nephew. My DM is from my area originally , we had moved away due to my dad's job when we were kids. We all bar one sister who moved abroad , live not far from where we were born. Three brothers live in a 30mile radias from me while mum is a 2 hour drive for most of us. The problem is DM is very stubborn, it took me over two years to persuade her to get a new bathroom after my dad passed.

I don't want to hold a family conference as there is 5 of us siblings which is nigh impossible trying to get us all together in anycase and mum would be very hurt if she thought we had been planning such a thing behind her back. Any advice in dealing with a stubborn parent? I am usually the one that deals with mum as I'm the youngest and one of two girls. My dsis lives abroad and 3 DBrothers can't seem to get through to mum either!

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 10/11/2019 15:31

She's only in her mid 70's. Leave the poor woman alone. It's nothing to do with you how she chooses to live her own life.

You can express your opinion but that's it.

Yorkshiremum17 · 10/11/2019 15:39

My parents were living in a 5 bedroom terrace 2-4 hours away from me and sister. My dad is In and out of hospital and mum has a bad back which severely limits her ability to walk. Dad wanted to downsize, mum didn't. Eventually when dad was in hospital my sister and I sat her down in a public space so she didn't kick off and gave her a few home truths about what life was going to be like for her if she didn't either down size or accept that she needed to put dad in respite care every now and again and also get a cleaner, gardener and someone in to help her and dad getting up the stairs. Otherwise they were going to have to close off the rest of the house and live downstairs. She had a major strop, did the whole drama queen thing, 3 months later they had sold their house and bought a 2 bedroom bungalow. It's a million times better for them both and they are coping much better with day to day life now.

Aridane · 10/11/2019 15:41

Oi - I am sure you come from a place of love- but let her be!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's Families
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/11/2019 15:43

I'd be all for encouraging the downsizing to something with her future in mind. But you would be out of order to push her to relocate.

DreamingofSunshine · 10/11/2019 16:02

I think it's fair to discuss with her and see if she's finding the house too much, or if she'd like to live closer to you and her family. You can't force her but in mid 70s it's something to consider - my gran had a stroke at 76 and lived for another 8 years but never in her home as it was a tiny cottage with a spiral staircase. If she'd lived in something that was a bit more adaptable then she could have. You can only discuss it though.

Purpleartichoke · 10/11/2019 16:06

My dad is living on a property that requires enormous upkeep and not all of it can realistically be hired out. I’ve made clear to him that I will support him selling, despite emotional ties to the property, but that ultimately it’s his decision. I’m legitimately worried that he is going to get injured and die during his caretaking. However, he loves caring for this beautiful home and maybe that is how he should be spending his remaining time.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/11/2019 16:17

You should consider that her home has many memories for her. She only lost her husband a few years ago and is probably not ready to leave the home she made, raised a family in and saw the last year’s of her husband in. She may never be ready.
Instead of encouraging downsizing, see what you and family can do to get her help and support to keep the house in good shape.
I have similar in that my father is a widow and refuses to leave Malta. It’s a plane journey away for all of us, but he will not come back to France. So we take turns visiting him during the year and have a cleaner and handyman to visit house and work every week.

ChinUpChestOut · 10/11/2019 16:36

I asked DParents to consider downsizing when they reached their sixties. Or at least to thin out their stuff. Nope - nothing doing. I tried again when they reached their seventies. DM wanted to, DF did not, so nothing happened. Now in their eighties they find the garden too much, and can't sit in the conservatory because it's full of stuff. There are trip hazards everywhere. DM has severe osteoporosis and can't risk a fall, DF has sciatica and frequently stumbles. They're essentially trapped in their house. There's no possibility of them downsizing now as the trauma of not being able to take their stuff with them would finish them off. All of this was avoidable, but hey, it is what it is. DB and I are aware, and are prepared to step in and help when needed (DParents both fiercely independent).

You can sit your DM down and tell her the facts, but you do run the risk of scaring her, and upsetting her greatly. I wouldn't do it. Let her live out her days in her home, and be prepared to pick up the slack when needed.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 10/11/2019 16:48

Totally going against the prevailing opinion here, but I would definitely try to persuade her to move to a smaller place nearer you, especially if you think she will expect you to help her when she is older. You can't do it if you don't live close enough and it's not fair for elderly parents to expect their children to drive all over the country when they could and should have moved earlier. It's also not fair to stay in a large house with a difficult garden if there are options available to live in easier properties eg a terrace with a backyard or a bungalow with a small garden.

Disclaimer: it's not always possible, eg my mum lives in a cheaper area than I do and she would not be able to afford an equivalent (2 bed bungalow, so doesn't need to downsize) near me. But if she was eg still in a 4 bed house, she probably could (though not a bungalow as they probably cost the same as a 4 bed house does where she lives).

I can't offer any advice as to how to persuade someone to move who doesn't want to though, but I agree with you that it would be sensible for your mother to move while she is still young enough to get involved in things and make friends.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 10/11/2019 17:14

I am nearing my sixties and if my children would start to tell me to 'thin out my stuff', I'd become very eloquent and not in a polite way.

Confusedbeetle · 10/11/2019 17:17

I am approaching 70 and I will not be pushed around by my children however well meaning.

helpfulperson · 10/11/2019 17:21

Why do people on here seem to think they can/should tell their parents how to live their lives?

saraclara · 10/11/2019 17:27

My house is bigger than I need. But the thought of selling/buying/moving stuff/unpacking stuff makes me feel really stressed.
Buying, selling and moving is about the most stressful thing you can do, even if you're young, energetic and partnered up. At 63 and widowed it feels more than daunting.

saraclara · 10/11/2019 17:29

I am, however, trying to get rid of stuff...slowly. Having to deal with all my mum's belongings when she had a massive stroke, went into care and could never go back to her house (and she was quite a hoarder) made me realise I didn't want my kids to have that burden.

ELM8 · 10/11/2019 17:37

My experience with this type of thing is that the person has to come to the conclusion they need to move themselves, and thus can take time.

The best approach is to plant the seed now, see how she takes it and go from there.

We did this with my grandparents and also MIL, but in both cases it took a "trigger" event (fall or similar) for them to actually get the ball rolling. It does help to have done some of the groundwork and initial conversations before this happens though! Good luck!

ELM8 · 10/11/2019 17:37

This*

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 10/11/2019 17:43

Please don't force her. She's an adult.

For some elderly people, the sense of familiarity and security they get from a place they have lived in for many years is very important to them.

It can be very distressing to be forcibly removed from a familiar environment. It's a major reason for downturns in elderly people with early onset dementia.

If you are that worried about her being on her own, you should look at moving closer to her yourself rather than stripping her out of her own home and community.

Dilkhush · 10/11/2019 17:50

I am approaching 70 and I will not be pushed around by my children however well meaning.
Hi @confusedbeetle
Would you find it acceptable if DC said something like, "If or when life gets a bit more difficult for you I'd love you to move nearer me."

Original poster
RobertSmithsguyliner · 10/11/2019 17:51

Just to be clear I won't be forcing my mum out her home!

Not practical to move closer by , I have 4 children, a job to think of. My siblings are the same.

Anyway thanks for the replies, some have been helpful.

OP posts:
Rejectthetossers · 10/11/2019 17:51

How would you as a fully fledged responsible adult feel if someone tried to insist they 'knew better' about how you should live your life ? Just because someone is over a certain age and maybe a bit slower on their feet doesn't mean they should be treated like a child ....maybe she doesn't want to live near you or your siblings ....maybe she has 'gentlemen callers' she wants to have 'relations' with .maybe she wants to grow old disgracefully whilst drinking gin with her mates and having a good old moan about the 'kids' ....maybe she quite likes her home....maybe she better things to do with her time and energy than think about moving....

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 10/11/2019 18:18

Not practical to move closer by , I have 4 children, a job to think of. My siblings are the same.

Moving is as practical as you want to make it - unless she lives in the Shetland Islands

What you means is that you and your family are not prepared to do it. That's fair enough but call it what it is - a choice not to because its easier for you. Don't pretend you can't.

Plenty of people relocate because they are motivated to do so in circumstances far more distruptive - one or other gets a good job offer that pays more abroad even.

If she doesn't want to move, leave her alone and don't pester her. If you let her know it's your preference for her to move closer to you and the door is open for you to help her if she ever wants to do that, that's much better than pestering her to leave her home just because it's easier and move convenient for YOU for her to move closer than it is for you or your siblings to move to be near her.

Dowser · 10/11/2019 18:22

Tried to get aunt and uncle to downsize when mid 70s to a bungalow but they wouldn’t hear of it
Of course when my uncle passed it wasn’t long before my aunt when into a care home as there was no downstairs loo
If they’d moved we could have had carers in for her
Such a shame

Hecateh · 10/11/2019 18:23

64 and have future proofed as much as I can, having said that, the house, I have just had built has stairs (a split level with 2 sets of half storey stairs) and my old one was a bungalow. Me moving closer to my children at any stage is not going to happen. If/When Before I get to a stage of not being independant I intend (if at all possible) to do something final about it. I have been independent all my life and I have no intention of my last years being spent dribbling in a chair.

Whoops75 · 10/11/2019 18:30

I think she would benefit in the long run so I agree with you.

I hope she takes your advice, memories are all well and good but quality of life is more important & practical.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 10/11/2019 18:37

memories are all well and good but quality of life is more important & practical

Whose to say it's just about memories? An unwillingness to move can include things like an established social network nearby with friends and neighbours or a quality of life that comes from being in a familiar environment and one that has been honed over years to be just the way you want it and is convenient for you.

Ultimately, it is for the elderly adult in question to decide what matters to them about their quality of life. I've seen this done too often particular with elderly parents to assuage children's guilt.

What ends up happening is the children don't go round to see the parent half as often as they liked to think they would and you have a miserable parent who has been plonked into a home that is unfamiliar, a new town/village that is unfamiliar and is utterly miserable.