Getting my mum to downsize

[RobertSmithsguyliner]

My DM lives in the family home which is basically getting too big for her. It's starting to get rundown and tired and is needing a bit of money spent on it. My DM has been a widow for a few years now and none of my 4 siblings live nearby her. She does have a number of good friends in the area but they are getting older and all seem to have health issues or partners that do.

Anyway , although mum is in good health, she's slowing down and is now in her mid 70s. I would really like her to downsize and maybe move closer to me and some of my siblings and other extended family members such as her sister, nephew. My DM is from my area originally , we had moved away due to my dad's job when we were kids. We all bar one sister who moved abroad , live not far from where we were born. Three brothers live in a 30mile radias from me while mum is a 2 hour drive for most of us. The problem is DM is very stubborn, it took me over two years to persuade her to get a new bathroom after my dad passed.

I don't want to hold a family conference as there is 5 of us siblings which is nigh impossible trying to get us all together in anycase and mum would be very hurt if she thought we had been planning such a thing behind her back. Any advice in dealing with a stubborn parent? I am usually the one that deals with mum as I'm the youngest and one of two girls. My dsis lives abroad and 3 DBrothers can't seem to get through to mum either!

My grandma stayed in her house much longer than she should have done really. By the time she literally couldn't cope there and bought a bungalow near her daughter she was already in the early stages of dementia and the change of scenery seemed to hasten it. She stayed in her new place less than a year and never really settled before going into a care home.

My other grandma and my husband's grandma on the other hand moved to bungalows nearer family when they were 10 years younger so have that time to settle in and feel at home.

It must be really hard, but perhaps each of you starting to sow the seed when you visit her about how much more you could be around/more frequently able to visit etc - don't push, it has to be her decision.

Apart from the difficulties of this decision, if she is in mid-70s and still compos mentis, now would be a really good time to sort out powers of attorney for health and finances if you haven't done so already. If her health then starts to fail it will enable you to take decisions on her behalf without going to the Court of Protection.

On the house - my mother absolutely would not consider it. I could see from the house clearance that we had to do after she died that moving would have been almost impossible. She would have to pack up or (more likely) throw out all her treasured possessions and memories - very traumatic.

I would just let her know the offer is there. Say that if as she gets older she feels she needs help then you are more than willing to have her live by you and provide this for her. My mum is only 60 but we already have an arrangement of granny annix for when she is older.

To posters saying it should only be her mums decision - of course she gets the final say and shouldn't be forced, but if she is going to rely on family for any sort of care or support then there needs to be some level of compromise.

Having faced this situation with one party in Scotland and the other in the south of England it can be very stressful on the ones that have to do the travelling (surprise surprise, not the one stubbornly refusing to even consider moving), and then when an unexpected event like a fall or stroke or dementia occurs and it's agreed a move needs to happen, it can all be very rushed which leads to a worse outcome for everyone.

If the mum has measures in place to make sure she is looked after as she gets older and less able then of course she should stay where she is and moving doesn't need to be considered.

It's so very hard, isn't it? On the one hand, of course you're not going to force your parents to move, but on the other you can see perhaps more clearly than they can where the potential pitfalls are in staying in a big house. No one likes to imagine themselves old and infirm, or suffering from dementia. And it's really hard to put forward that scenario to your parents, because they just don't want to imagine it.

DH and I are 58. We've just made an offer on an apartment in a building with a lift, and we're selling our 4 bed house. We're voluntarily 'thinning out our stuff' so we don't have future trip hazards, and so we can relax into the next stage of our life and enjoy retirement at some point. We're already making the hard decision of leaving the now-too-big family home and choosing somewhere without steps and all on one level. I don't want to be that person who postpones this major decision - I making it now, well before I'm left with little or no choice.

If nothing else, I have learned from my parents what not to do.

Thanks for your reply Gilead, you’ve obviously thought it all through!

I get why you’re saying it.

But I think it’s unfair to suggest it, particularly the relocation.

My sister nagged my parents to sell the family home and move close to her, not that she had the slightest interest in caring for them but it was convenient for her for the occasional visit. They eventually moved into a place she chose and they loathed it and were unhappy until my DF died and my DM moved into sheltered accommodation.

Bottom line it should be 100% your DM's decision and please don't nag her into moving.

In answer to your original question op, I have no answers but I feel your pain.

My parents are 10 years older, and whilst the bungalow they have lived in for 50 years is ideal, it is also in the middle of feckin nowhere.

My dad is 86 and frail, deaf, arthritic with failing memory. He still drives. Just. Mum is 3 years younger and spritely. We live 75 miles away. Db lives 300 miles away.

We have suggested sheltered accommodation, buying another bungalow, buying a flat etc etc. I cannot get them to move 8 miles to the nearest town. They say it’s down to money. They actually want to upsize - so there’s more space for when we visit- apparently, but they can’t afford that.

Common sense seems to have gone out of the window. They could afford a similar property in town. But then complain about the moving costs. Dad recently discovered that purple bricks charged £700 to sell a house. He was aghast at the figure.

I have literally no idea what they will do when he cannot Drive (soon). He cannot walk far enough to get to the post box (end of the estate). They have no family around to help. There is this absolute dread of spending money even though doing so would enable them to live independently for a few more years and we would have more peace of mind that they weren’t quite so vulnerable.

I agree with PP that you cannot force people to move but in my case the sheer stubbornness and the refusal to do anything is driving me insane.

Sorry that was long.

The opposite is happening with my Mum. At the age of 78, she has put her house on the market and is looking at properties that need full renovation.

She and my step father left a fantastic bungalow about 5 years ago. They had refurbished it to their exact requirements. It was very close to me and my sister, the hospital (which they visited frequently), city centre, bus route, everything really. They had really lovely neighbours. The place they moved to is a dorma bungalow (mum's knees make climbing stairs very painful so she rarely goes upstairs), further away from me and my sister, further from the hospital, city centre, local shops and she's now considering 2 storey houses again even further from local amenities.

She is a serious hoarder so the thought of packing up all that stuff to move fills me with dread, never mind the rest of the moving process and all the building work she plans to do. I think there is quite a deep-routed issue around her need to move so frequently. She and my father had moved us 4 times by the age of 10, which is probably not that many compared to some people's childhoods but it felt a lot at the time and still does when I look back on it.

I suppose the plus side to that is that none of us hold any sentimental attachment to a family home but that's a whole other issue

We managed to persuade my (widowed) mum to downsize - she was very against it but we knew it would be better for her.

Our plan was to find some nice potential properties on rightmove - print them off and show them to her quite casually. “We know you don’t WANT to move but this cute little bungalow has a beautiful garden - would you like to just have a look?”

Gardening was her thing so the first bungalow we looked at that had an easy to manage garden completely changed her mind. That was 11 years ago - she’s now nearly 83 and is completely contented in her little place. My brother is 10 mins away and I’m around 15m so one of us is always nearby if she needs anything.

She’s, fit, active, healthy and happy - and says moving to her little bungalow was the best thing she ever did - even if she was reluctant at first!

So OP, I’d suggest seeing if you could find somewhere that might appeal and gently persuade a viewing or two. The right place might click that it would be a potentially brilliant idea!

Good luck!

Hi OP, it's a tough one and I sympathise. I'm in a pretty similar situation except that I live quite close to my mother, who is nearly 90 but extremely capable and independent and was widowed last year. I have made suggestions in a very subtle way, which she could ignore if she chose, over the last six months or so, regarding downsizing from her large house. Just practical ideas like the stairs, the time it takes to clean (she has a cleaner) and the garden maintenance. Today she has decided that she'd like to view a flat very close to me.

It's very much her decision and if she decides, after tomorrow's viewing, that she definitely wants to stay where she is, that's fine - I'm glad that she is open to suggestions. That's all you can do. Mine is very much in control, knows what she wants and if that means spending her last years in the house that holds many memories, we'll respect that.

It's a really tricky one though.

their parents should not have to organise their lives to make things more convenient for their DC

but if they know their parents are going to expect them to provide support in old age, then they are entitled to make the point that the parents have to do something for themselves too. Too many times you hear people saying they won't move into a home or they won't have carers in, or they won't have cleaners they don't know. The subtext being - the kids (and grandkids if old and local enough) have to help. Well that's all fine if you live within say 30 mins drive. Any more than that and it turns into a massive problem if you have a FT job and other commitments. All of which could have been solved if they moved to a manageable property nearer their kids when they were still young enough to get to know the area and make friends and join in with things.

I'm lucky that my mum has a two bed bungalow on a flat plot and she is happy to pay a gardener. The village also has a reasonable bus service (for the moment). But she's three hours away from me so if she could live nearer it would be good, but in our case finances don't allow it. I could potentially move closer to her at some point but there is MIL to consider as well who lives an hour in the opposite direction.

My father moved into a small bungalow when he was in his late 70s and into a sheltered flat when he was in his mid 80s, so he also planned ahead. I am glad my parents have been so sensible.

All that said, my aunt moved away from her home when she was 85 to be near my cousin and she'd died within six months of a stroke and we think it was caused by the stress of it all. But perhaps if she'd moved a decade earlier, she would have put down new roots and things might have been different. Who knows, she might still be here. It is difficult but it's not unreasonable to ask parents in their 70s to consider their old age, even if they don't want to think about it.

I have the other problem OP, my parents keep trying to draw me in to do this for them. DF wants to down size but DM is so-so about it. They keep everything. They are good at packing it away so it looks normal but there is so much crap in there. They both say the other one is the horder but they both are they just hord different kinds of crap.

Neither of them can see they are as bad as each other and they both want me to fix it.

I’ve back right off, I’m not being the bad guy because their relationship is so disfunctional they can’t talk about moving without both getting in a big strop.

In your situation I would ask ‘are you still happy here?’ ‘Do you think you see other people enough?’ ‘You know we’d support you to move if you wanted to.’ And leave it at that.

My DM and DF lived about 2 hours away in quite a large cottage with an enormous garden.

When DM was in her mid 70s she fell and broke her hip and in one fell swoop (excuse the pun) she wasn’t really able to cope with the cottage (had a few other health issues). DF also had heath issues.

They agreed to downsize but stayed in their area as wanted to be near their health consultants. I am their only family apart from some really distant relatives.

DM’s health had its moments but DF started to deteriorate over the years, but due to distance from us they literally had to prop each other up, which was very stressful. When DF died 2 years ago DM finally agreed to move nearer to us. In the last 2 years most of the friends they had where they used to live have either moved closer to their families or died.

It is very hard. I would have loved them to have moved closer to us whilst DF was alive, but as DF’s mind was beginning to go we were advised by the doctor the move would be too stressful for him.

Tricky, OP. Dad died in July and mum’s immediate thought was to sell the family home and move to a smaller place nearer family. However, she soon decided that she has no reason to move. She’s got a gardener and I bought her a cordless vacuum which has apparently revolutionised her cleaning! She’s 81 and I think leaving the home she’s lived in for over 30 years is too big a wrench, along with losing dad.

It’s a heck of a thing, leaving your home where you’ve brought up dc.

I would say, OP, whilst she is of sound mind, find out what she wants for her funeral arrangements, discuss power of attorney for health and finance with her. It was tricky organising this for my mil when she developed dementia. It’s a difficult discussion, but really important that you know what she wants and that she’ll be looked after should she need it in future years.