Getting my mum to downsize

[RobertSmithsguyliner]

My DM lives in the family home which is basically getting too big for her. It's starting to get rundown and tired and is needing a bit of money spent on it. My DM has been a widow for a few years now and none of my 4 siblings live nearby her. She does have a number of good friends in the area but they are getting older and all seem to have health issues or partners that do.

Anyway , although mum is in good health, she's slowing down and is now in her mid 70s. I would really like her to downsize and maybe move closer to me and some of my siblings and other extended family members such as her sister, nephew. My DM is from my area originally , we had moved away due to my dad's job when we were kids. We all bar one sister who moved abroad , live not far from where we were born. Three brothers live in a 30mile radias from me while mum is a 2 hour drive for most of us. The problem is DM is very stubborn, it took me over two years to persuade her to get a new bathroom after my dad passed.

I don't want to hold a family conference as there is 5 of us siblings which is nigh impossible trying to get us all together in anycase and mum would be very hurt if she thought we had been planning such a thing behind her back. Any advice in dealing with a stubborn parent? I am usually the one that deals with mum as I'm the youngest and one of two girls. My dsis lives abroad and 3 DBrothers can't seem to get through to mum either!

Telllikeitis I disagree, I have been through that option in my head where we move to be nearer and it wouldn't be practical or fair on my four kids who are at various points in their lives. It's not just as simple as that! Believe me I have been through this many a time thinking it through. Plus in my mum's area houses are dearer so where would I live with with my kids and dh for a starter?

I can't force my mum , I'm fully aware of this as I don't have any powers in any case and she has full capacity. It's my mum's decision to make if she moves, of course it is, however, it's likely a time will come when she won't be able to manage the same and it's that the family need to be prepared for.

Maybe you and your mum could take a look at this: hoop.eac.org.uk/hoop/start.aspx

Yes I agree that you can't 'force' someone to move, but I also think it's not unreasonable to suggest she moves somewhere more managable (eg a bungalow even if it costs the same as her house)

I'll probably get flamed for this too but there's so many families desperate for a good sized house out there, and single people living downstairs in a beautiful 4 bed that they can't manage.
I've got my eye on a bungalow round the corner from me already... (one of my kids is still in primary school!)

I totally get where you're coming from OP. A lot of older people put off moving to a more manageable home until it's too late and unless they require your care you can't do anything really apart from keep gently suggesting it. Decluttering, selling and buying new home are all very stressful things, but the longer they are left, the worse they will be. My MIL very sensibly moved to a community of seniors two years ago, having been widowed 10 months before. She'd been wanting to move for years, but FIL wouldn't hear of it. When he died she quickly spruced up the house, threw out all the old junk and moved!

My DPs, on the other hand, are another story. DF would actually like to move somewhere smaller and with a more manageable garden, but his second wife won't hear of it, because her DC and GC all descend en masse once or twice a year. It's hard, but they're adults and they're entitled to make their own choices , even though as their DC we're the ones who will have to deal with their decisions down the line.

@TellItLikeItReallyIs

You have it spot on

Tried to get aunt and uncle to downsize when mid 70s to a bungalow but they wouldn’t hear of it
Of course when my uncle passed it wasn’t long before my aunt when into a care home as there was no downstairs loo
If they’d moved we could have had carers in for her
Such a shame

Such is life

Many people prefer to stay in their own home as long as possible - emotional and social ties - even though on a rational basis they could have more independence longer if they were wrenched for their own home to somewhere more bland appropriate .

Hence the often rapid transition from own home to residential care

My in laws moved closer to us last year to a bungalow. Fil had an ill spell a few months ago and mil is so pleased they moved when they did and says they wouldn't have managed if they moved now. They were both early to mid 70's.

I would just bring it up in conversation and say that if she wanted to move then you would fully support her and help with the practicalities. It could be that she likes the idea of moving but is finding the whole thing a bit daunting. Moving house is a lot of hard work and can be very stressful after all.

Thanks timeandtune, I'll have a look at that link. I agree with you postitnot, probably not a popular opinion but this type of situation is not helping our housing in this country.

I agree op. If you are getting older and have adult children who feel a degree of responsibility towards you, then you need to live somewhere where that practical responsibility is minimised for as long as possible. I don't want my kids worrying about me when I'm 75+ as they'll only be in their 40s by then and hopefully have youngish families of their own.

My plan is to downsize at 60 and move into sheltered accommodation before 80 if I'm lucky enough to live that long.

Being sentimental about a a big impractical house, or remote house, is an indulgence in all honesty. And we all need to get real.

Tried for 4 years to persuade my mum to move. She has ill health, doesn't like her house, has no friends (2 nice neighbours but one has just died, the other in her 40s so busy with her own life), lives way out of town so it's an expensive taxi anywhere. Nowhere to walk so is pretty much housebound and very lonely. We - her kids- live miles away and have very busy lives with demanding jobs, kids and can only visit sporadically.

She could get a nice older persons flat near me and my sis - 2 bedrooms, direct access to garden, decorated and refurbed exactly how she wants, walking distance to town and shops, and good hospitals. We could have her over for Sunday lunch regularly, take her the the pictures, theatre and concerts that she says she really wants to do, she could see her grandkids much more often, have us 20 mins away if she needs us (not 2-4 hours it is now). But she won't do it. I've given up working out what the issue is, but assume it that she's scared. She says she doesn't want to be a burden but the older she gets, and as she's so far away, I hate to say it but she is. I've tried being nice, persuasive, asking her to tell me why not, asking her to tell me what she loves about where she is now, and that if she was happy I'd leave her alone, but she says she's unhappy but just won't /can't step up to move. I get that it's her choice but it baffles me.

Sounds like OP is in a similar position . Agree with other posters that it's parents choice but we try to persuade them because we love them and want them to be happy. When I'm old (not far off!) I'd love to be near my kids so I can still be close and spend time having fun times with them. It's hard to do that from miles and miles away. In the end all we can do is support them in their choice, but to be honest I just don't get why they'd choose a lonely life far away from the very people who love them. But hey, I might think differently when I'm 80+

I thought it would be good to talk to my mum about the future and ideally what their plan would be and best case scenario. She and my step dad have mobility difficulties, a big house with a lot of steps and a lot of stuff. She wouldn’t even have a conversation about it! Thing is it’s not interfering, I just want to do what they would want if things get difficult.

They say the art of persuasion is making someone think an action (you want them to do) was their idea.

Only OP knows her parent, still I could envision saying to her "I'm worried about XYZ in your life. I imagine if you moved to a smaller home at X location then that would suit you much better for ABC reasons. And I wouldn't worry about you so much, then."

Always her choice. Be willing to help her find other solutions to problems XYZ if she insists that's what she wants, though.

My house is bigger than I need. But the thought of selling/buying/moving stuff/unpacking stuff makes me feel really stressed.
Buying, selling and moving is about the most stressful thing you can do, even if you're young, energetic and partnered up. At 63 and widowed it feels more than daunting.

I think this ^ is spot on.
I think you need to plant seed. Maybe put it to your Mum that if she were to move now "while she is still young enough and active enough" it would be easy for her to rekindle old friendships and connections ni the area. To join things and meet up with people. The later she leaves it, the more difficult that is likely to become.
I also think that letting her know that you and each of your siblings would be ready to come and spend several days supporting her decluttering / clearing / tidying / getting her home ready for sale when she is ready to move (and meaning it) would be another helpful thing you could do. ie, making positive suggestions rather than telling her what you think she ought to do.

I can't imagine having this kind of conversation with my mum! She doesn't listen to a word I say so there would be no point.

My mum lives on her own on another continent and is in quite poor health but won't consider moving nearer to me to see her only grandchildren more than once a year. It is her loss and I will just deal with whatever comes in the future.

I am seeing mum in a few weeks so will plant a seed about the positives of being near 4 out of 5 of her kids, grandkids, sister , nephew and old friends. One of her friends has just moved to be closer to her dd so will start talking about that and take it from there.

I would gently push before it gets too late.
I know my friends mum is much happier after her move, it was hard work though.
My MIL resisted. However she would have been more independent for longer in something more suitable AND easier/cheaper to heat which was a major issue.

Ha! My parents are planning on upsizing! They want to move from our family home which will be heartbreaking but positive in the long run and they are eyeing up 4/5 bed places in the middle of nowhere!

I have explained that am not going to helping with the upkeep of an even bigger place. They say they need the space for the grandkids.

My brother lives two hours away and has 2 children, I live round the corner. I explained they could put my brothers family up in local hotels for the three / four nights they stay over each year with the money they will save, or they could stay at mine.

They have decided they need the extra space for all their stuff.... even though one is retired and the other will be soon.

I despair but have given up arguing. There is no point. But I have firmly stated the facts about the added expense and maintenance and that's all I can do. I feel for you OP.

I moved last year, at 60. Very slightly smaller property a long way from my children. I love them and see them regularly, and miss them in between. However it’s my life, I’m happy, have friends and don’t expect my children to care for me. If necessary I could live downstairs too.

Gilead, it’s great to say you don’t expect your children to care for you, but what about say in 20 years if you can’t get out of a chair, what would you want ideally?

My mum moved to an isolated place six hours' drive (with no breaks) from us. At 76. Less than a year later she had a massive stroke.

Because of the location and the style of her tiny cottage, there was no way she could stay and have carers. And of course there was no way my brother and I could support her at that distance. So we had to bring her back and she had to live in am extra care facility with careres coming in and my brother supporting her.

We'd tried to warn her. There were bungalows in a village a mile or so away, but no, she wanted this tiny cottage with steps up, in a hamlet of about six houses that got snowed in every winter.

It was her dream. We had to respect that. But it was a disaster in the end, and she has never forgiven us for having to have her brought back

Karwoman I’m disabled anyway. I’ve also been in hospital but arrangements were made for house and dog. I’m hyper organised, perhaps because I’ve always been disabled. That too is why I had the house knocked around when I moved in, so that I (and they) would have options.

Why on earth do you think it's your place to try and decide where your Mum lives? I understand where you're coming from but it's her choice, surely? If she loves the house, then she shouldn't feel obliged or pressured to leave it.

Maybe she doesn’t want to downsize?

I wonder if adult children, who are parents, are so used to organising their children's lives, much more so and in greater detail than in years past, that they fall in to trying to organise their parents' lives too. they mean well, mostly, but cannot grasp the concept of autonomy.
their parents should not have to organise their lives to make things more convenient for their AC.
if the parents want to move, or ask for advice, ideas, that's different.
the parents' lives are likely to be shorter than the AC. therefore their time is very precious to them; they should be left to live it how they wish, however misguided it may seem.
the perspectives are different. it's as if the AC are trying to live their parents' lives for them; to tidy them up, be sensible, organised.
maybe they don't want to be tidy, sensible, organised. why should they.

I have seen this happen with several families.

I understand the OP means well, but I think it's a mistake. leave her to make her own decisions, other wise there will be a tension between you, which will spoil your visits.
just try to accept her as and where she is. if she wants your help on these issues, she will ask. leave it at that. try to relinquish the urge to control. just love her. good luck.