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Original poster

DPs sister and new baby

60 replies

halfpasteleven · 10/11/2019 09:56

Name changed in case it’s outing.
Been with DP for almost 4 years.
Have a 6 yr old DS ( mine from previous relationship) and DD 5 months together.
Both are happy healthy children.
My DP has a sister with Spina bifida. Also intellectual disabilities. She has no empathy. Has always been jealous of me. And now that our DD has come along things have escalated to the point that I cannot call to her house ( she lives close by with DPs parents) without her shouting at me, or ignoring me. Says I am taking away her brother.

It’s very hard. She has always been like this. Her parents and DP admit a lot of the problem is that she has never heard the word no.

Grew up in a house where she was the centre of attention from day one ( is now in her 30s) and doesn’t like that the attention is not on her anymore.

We have tried everything.
Took great care to make her feel included from the moment we announced the pregnancy.
We have tried to explain to her that she is an auntie now.
That there is enough love for everyone.
We have tried everything but she won’t accept our little baby or me.

It’s really putting a strain on our relationship.
And our relationship with DPILS.
Any one have any ideas on how to proceed with this?
She is going to counselling soon but I don’t think this is the answer

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/11/2019 10:17

Is she nt? I don’t see why you should go round. Get your pils to come to you. I wouldn’t be tolerating her shit.

oohnicevase · 10/11/2019 10:24

Op says she has learning difficulties so not NT but surely has enough understanding that she be told to shut up.. my son is 8 and has moderate learning difficulties, he knows right from wrong and is told off regardless of sn if he is annoying or naughty .

Original poster
halfpasteleven · 10/11/2019 10:32

Thanks for the replies (and the reassurance)
What is NT? Excuse my ignorance - not familiar with this phrase.

OP posts:

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user1498854363 · 10/11/2019 10:36

Neuro typical. Often refers to someone without learning disability or Autism. Ie usual brain functions.

Original poster
halfpasteleven · 10/11/2019 10:48

Thanks.
She has some difficulties- reading is limited to short words for example.

She does know the difference between right and wrong though.
And will behave well in front of people she likes so they don't see the other side of her.

OP posts:
Beveren · 10/11/2019 10:51

You really can't assume that everyone with learning difficulties is like your son, @oohnicevase.

WorraLiberty · 10/11/2019 10:52

It's only been 5 months, she'll probably eventually get used to the change.

In the meantime, try to limit your visits to her home.

FlaviaAlbia · 10/11/2019 10:55

What's your DH's response to it? What does he expect of you in response to it?

Like pp have said, I would refuse to visit and refuse to let DH take my DD if I was you.

oohnicevase · 10/11/2019 13:44

@Beveren well
Obviously I can't .. I'm demonstrating the point that people with learning difficulties shouldn't get away with being mean to someone who is unaware potentially . I'm
Of the opinion that it's not an excuse , sometimes a reason for bad behaviour but she sounds like she has been indulged to be honest 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
halfpasteleven · 10/11/2019 13:58

She has been indulged tbh. I can see why, to a point. It can't be easy to have her condition and the effects of it. But I can also see that she has been let away with too much and it hasn't done her any favours.

We have reassured her over and over that this baby is a good thing for *her.
*
We've tried to explain to her that She is an aunty now, we even let her be godmother which I really found hard as she had been particularly nasty to me the week previous to the Christening.
Yet she behaved perfectly at the Christening.

And that is what I find so hard to deal with- she knows the difference between right and wrong. If she had behavioural issues which meant she couldn't help lashing out then fair enough but she knows exactly what words will hurt and she will use them whenever she wants to hurt me.

As for DP, he has tried everything with her and the parents.
The parents are in denial from what I can see - they don't seem to think her behaviour is that bad- They do try to reprimand her sometimes but I do think they are getting too old tbh and that they just want a quiet life.
It's exhausting. I've a permanent pain across my shoulders from the tension.
My maternity leave is passing me by and I can't enjoy it.

OP posts:
WillLokireturn · 10/11/2019 14:30

My maternity leave is passing me by and I can't enjoy it
Don't visit her then.
Invite PILs over but not her, she's 30 and presumably something in place / she's able to be left for a few hours If she comes over and is rude, say right that's it for today, time for you to go home and return another time when you can be civil to me

If she says you have taken her brother point out , let your OH tell her that her behaviour is pushing him away as she isn't nice to his partner or child. Your baby isn't second best to the family because of her sulks. She'll come around when she realises she's the one missing out

reallyrandomwords · 10/11/2019 14:37

"And that is what I find so hard to deal with- she knows the difference between right and wrong. If she had behavioural issues which meant she couldn't help lashing out then fair enough but she knows exactly what words will hurt and she will use them whenever she wants to hurt me. "

The only thing that would concern me is that this could be masking.

Winterdaysarehere · 10/11/2019 14:44

I was in similar circumstances many years ago op.
Ils never forgave me for not allowing sil to push ds round the streets in the buggy... I backed away. Very limited visits - me to them when sil was at school. Never ever them to us. Sadly ds was my priority even if he was never theirs.

Original poster
halfpasteleven · 10/11/2019 15:19

@reallyrandomwords what do you mean by "masking"?
I really don't think she is hiding anything - she has never liked me or any children that she has come across in her life.

OP posts:
reallyrandomwords · 10/11/2019 15:25

I just mean in the sense of being able to put on an appearance in front of some people or in some situations- could that be masking and then releasing it all later? I completely understand it may not be the case, but it was a thought. My DS (11) has issues with this. Will behave well in public, at school etc, but all that stress is just bubbling away under the surface and he releases it later. He's treated as if mildly autistic (although it's actually hidden under another umbrella diagnosis). My DD (13) behaves very similarly, in fact more so, but isn't diagnosed for various reasons, so officially doesn't have it- but would behave very much in the way you describe.

LIZS · 10/11/2019 15:27

Not sure why you involving her so much nor valuing her opinions. It is not your problem if she feels you are taking her dbro away, I doubt any amount of reassurance from you will overcome this. Could pils visit without her and limit contact?

mankyfourthtoe · 10/11/2019 15:58

What happens when she's rude.
If it was me I'd have dh primed to say that's rude/unkind etc we're leaving now.
Every time, if they're at your, then the opposite must happen, you'll have to go home now.
If dh won't do that for you, then I wouldn't be going round or letting my baby go either.

As you've said she's capable of being nice in front of other people then she's capable of being nice.

Pringlesfortea · 10/11/2019 16:02

The whole family sound to much involved
Back of a little ,let your dh sort it out ,don’t go over with the baby till she’s accepting her

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/11/2019 16:05

Does she want kids of her own.
Could it be that she’s envious and that her anger is coming out in other ways.

Pringlesfortea · 10/11/2019 16:17

From her point of you ,you are the enemy
You are high lighting the difference between her and her brother,
He now has a partner and child ,something she probably won’t have .
It’s not you she hates ,it’s the fact the situation means she has less in common with her brother,who is moving on with his life in a way she can’t .

Didiusfalco · 10/11/2019 16:25

God that sounds difficult. I think you need to give yourself permission not to try to make it work or fix the situation. It’s okay to take a step back, avoid them and look after your own health and that of dd. It doesn’t sound like anyone has your back so I think you will have to stand firm that this isn’t acceptable and you won’t be party to behaviour that is affecting your mental health.

Winterdaysarehere · 10/11/2019 18:24

You are the enemy because you dare to deny her her every whim.

.

MsFrosty · 10/11/2019 18:35

I dont get why you visit if shes being so vile?

LannisterLion1 · 10/11/2019 19:35

Stop trying, stop indulging. Don't visit and be less stressed as a result.

Your child has to come first.

Winterdaysarehere · 10/11/2019 20:32

When I stood firm ils backed away.
I half felt sorry for other sil when she had a baby as sil was allowed full access....
Bonkers.
Accidents galore.
No regrets even though our relationship was non exisitant after that.

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