DPs sister and new baby

[halfpasteleven]

Name changed in case it’s outing.
Been with DP for almost 4 years.
Have a 6 yr old DS ( mine from previous relationship) and DD 5 months together.
Both are happy healthy children.
My DP has a sister with Spina bifida. Also intellectual disabilities. She has no empathy. Has always been jealous of me. And now that our DD has come along things have escalated to the point that I cannot call to her house ( she lives close by with DPs parents) without her shouting at me, or ignoring me. Says I am taking away her brother.

It’s very hard. She has always been like this. Her parents and DP admit a lot of the problem is that she has never heard the word no.

Grew up in a house where she was the centre of attention from day one ( is now in her 30s) and doesn’t like that the attention is not on her anymore.

We have tried everything.
Took great care to make her feel included from the moment we announced the pregnancy.
We have tried to explain to her that she is an auntie now.
That there is enough love for everyone.
We have tried everything but she won’t accept our little baby or me.

It’s really putting a strain on our relationship.
And our relationship with DPILS.
Any one have any ideas on how to proceed with this?
She is going to counselling soon but I don’t think this is the answer

@Awwlookatmybabyspider
Does she want kids of her own.
Could it be that she’s envious and that her anger is coming out in other ways.
She hates children. Always has. Has made that clear since I met her. She definitely does not want children.
She doesn't really like any females.
So it is not this..

@Pringlesfortea
From her point of you ,you are the enemy
You are high lighting the difference between her and her brother,
He now has a partner and child ,something she probably won’t have .
It’s not you she hates ,it’s the fact the situation means she has less in common with her brother,who is moving on with his life in a way she can’t .

It's not that he has a partner and child in that it's more that she sees less of him as a result. She just doesn't get it that she can't be his priority all the time and especially now that he has a DD.
He has tried to explain to her and I have heard her saying how unfair things are for her now that our DD is here.

She is selfish, and lacking in empathy and taking it out on her immediate family.
The stress it's causing is so hard mainly because I don't think her parents agree that she is as bad as she is.

@MsFrosty
I dont get why you visit if shes being so vile?

For my DPs sake. She's his only sister and sibling and I know deep down he would love her to be accepting of this.
I think he keeps hoping one day she will just decide that this is now ok.

I know in my heart that this will never happen, probably because of how indulged she has been all through her life.
It's hard.

But I can't keep trying,it's destroying me and the time I have with my DD and my DS.. there's so much to enjoy and I need to try to do that.

@LannisterLion1
Stop trying, stop indulging. Don't visit and be less stressed as a result.

Your child has to come first.

My new mantra I think .
Thank you.

@Winterdaysarehere
It's good to know you had a happy ending after standing firm. Thank you.

Your kids come first .. you cannot make her accept you both and that is not your problem .. let your DH take responsibility .. I have a fear of lots of what is’s ..

Rather be safe than sorry ..

IL’s & DH can cater or bend to her will you just need to enjoy your kids and let her be

What if’s 🙈

What kind of what ifs ? @Hanab

The what ifs - she hurts your baby, hurts you makes it so difficult that she will make your husband choose sides or at least try to.

Be unpleasant at every opportunity ..

I just see the negatives .. sorry OP ..

@Hanab
No need to be sorry - you've put my own fears in to writing there. My children must come first.

What does your dh say to her when she's rude?

@mankyfourthtoe
He did let a lot go but since his DD has been

Didn't mean to press send!
Since his DD has been with me for the most recent shouting he has really limited contact and has made it clear she needs to apologise for her latest and totally unnecessary outburst.
She refuses to.

You've indulged. You've tried. Your DP now needs to accept that she isn't changing. She's acted like a bitch and now you're not subjecting yourself or your children to her anymore. You do not need to have a relationship with her.

Tell him he is more than welcome to see her. But you and the kids will stay home. And if PILS want to see the kids then they can come to them.

It's good your dh is sticking up for your dd and you but this needs to go further than apologies. Your dd is not safe around someone this spoilt, indulged and unpleasant. And it is not good for your or dhs stress levels to always play mediator or pacifier.

Definitely stick with the mantra. Your dh can visit alone if he chooses too or can pick up your PIL.

She clearly cannot deal with the change from her childhood of her brother moving on and growing up.
There is likely nothing you can do, and shes been perfectly clear she doesnt want you around. It is sad, but stop putting you and your child in that position. She has a learning disability and probably wont be able to rationalise this. Stop going round there as its distressing her and distressing you. If your dp and his parents expect you to put up with this, then thats really unfair. Its also not fair on her as you represent her whole world being turned upside down.
You havent done anything wrong, and she very possibly cannot control her anger at you and the situation. You cant force it

I think you have come to the end of a particular road here.

Your children have to come first. That is the red line.

You will NOT sacrifice their peace of mind or sense of security and love in their family to appease someone like this.

Your DP has laid down a boundary, which is great - RUN WITH THIS.

She is now no longer welcome in your home as she is unable to behave non-aggressively around your children. So in the interests of there not being a complete family breakdown, YOU are now going to protect them. What if she did lash out? There is no coming back from that. You need to say this to your DP.

So - you visit them WITH your DP if she is there and you expect HIM to protect you all. She cannot very easily blame you for the 'loss' of her brother if said brother is standign right in front of her saying 'I find your behaviour repellent and unacceptable'.

She does not come to your house.

Your PIL come without her - if they can't, then you calmly say that that's their prerogative but you'll prioritise your children's feelings just as they prioritise theirs.

I don't think this will get sorted really if she isn't NT. Or rather, if it dsoes get sorted you will not ever really be able to trust her, so you may as well set down red lines for the new 'normal' now.

It's good your DH has your back. I don't think you can do anything at this point but avoid her while waiting the therapy out and hoping it helps.

Then I wouldn't be going back with my child and she wouldn't be welcome at mine.
I think a conversation whereby they have enabled her behaviour to the point where she can say those things knowing there's no repercussions for her.
Is he still going round despite her outburst and refusal to apologise

I have every sympathy for you op. I think she’s insanely jealous, she has spina bifida and mild learning difficulties but is obviously aware that she is different to most women, aware that the possibility of children may not happen for her? You said she doesn’t like women or children in general which is a massive giveaway, she’s jealous and bitter and hurting a lot inside. Bitterness is eating her up and making her a nasty piece of work.

Thank you one and all for the replies.

I do think she is jealous - not even of losing time with her brother but it's almost very similar to a FOMO- he could be anyone once he takes her out and does things with her.. for her it's all about being out and being the centre of attention.
It's not important who takes her once she gets to go. And she's not getting to go lately because of us so again that is my fault in her eyes. Also, visitors to her home will speak about the baby and not her and that won't sit well either.

I agree she has been let say what she likes whenever she likes to whoever she likes without any repercussions- and I think this is very wrong. I think her parents are slowly realising this now but no one knows how to teach her that she can't go on like this. She's been let away with it for far too long.
Old ways won't open new doors - I think unless their parenting changes nothing will.

Ell hopefully things will change for you, as your DP won't let her about or be abusive to you again. And you have every reason to avoid her and her contact with your DC
until she can be civil.

What age would you say she operates at? I'd pitch everything like I would to a toddler, make everything cause and immediate effect, she's rude = you all immediately leave. "We won't stay if you're rude"

She won’t have understood all those long explanations. She needs a simple message, frequently repeated, by her brother: “I love ‘halfpasteleven’ and it makes me sad when you aren’t nice to her”.

I know it’s hard, but the animosity displayed here towards someone with a disability is making me uncomfortable.

If you can think of her as having the social development of a very young child, that may help you understand the “selfish” behaviour. Except she probably won’t be able to learn and mature in the way that, or at the speed that, a child will.