DPs sister and new baby

[halfpasteleven]

Name changed in case it’s outing.
Been with DP for almost 4 years.
Have a 6 yr old DS ( mine from previous relationship) and DD 5 months together.
Both are happy healthy children.
My DP has a sister with Spina bifida. Also intellectual disabilities. She has no empathy. Has always been jealous of me. And now that our DD has come along things have escalated to the point that I cannot call to her house ( she lives close by with DPs parents) without her shouting at me, or ignoring me. Says I am taking away her brother.

It’s very hard. She has always been like this. Her parents and DP admit a lot of the problem is that she has never heard the word no.

Grew up in a house where she was the centre of attention from day one ( is now in her 30s) and doesn’t like that the attention is not on her anymore.

We have tried everything.
Took great care to make her feel included from the moment we announced the pregnancy.
We have tried to explain to her that she is an auntie now.
That there is enough love for everyone.
We have tried everything but she won’t accept our little baby or me.

It’s really putting a strain on our relationship.
And our relationship with DPILS.
Any one have any ideas on how to proceed with this?
She is going to counselling soon but I don’t think this is the answer

@HeddaGarbled
I know what you mean re the animosity but she has been relentless. She knows what buttons to press, what to say that will really hurt.
Not to just me either, in the past she has been vicious to other female family members. Again just days what she wants..
But they can remove themselves from the situation and stay away..
I have a link now to the family and unfortunately I can't do that.

@FraglesRock
I've tried speaking to her like I would to a child who has misbehaved and it made things worse. In her mind she is an adult and expects to be treated like one even though she clearly doesn't act like one..

Then I'd just be clear and immediate.
"That was rude, we're leaving!"
Pack up and go every time.

Not read thread. My older brother has learning difficulties and autism. He lives with my parents. He could not be in the same room as DD for the first 10 months. He hates change. DD is 6 now. My brother has got used to her, and dotes on her. I think it just takes time.

I didn't push DD on my brother though. Just a gradual acceptance.

@HairyToity
She doesn't like any children. Of any age. Never has.

My brother never liked children either. It's just gradually he accepted DD as part of our family. He seemed to decide she was "one of us". He still doesn't play with her, but watches her, accepts her, and asks her lots of very random bizarre questions. He can be in the same room!

@Contraceptionismyfriend totally this

I also think she’s been pandered to too much. Time to put your foot down and do what is best for you and baby. You should be enjoying your maternity leave and baby, she is over-shadowing things too much

Your DP needs to step up and reassure her – on his own – that she will "always be his little sister etc.. Just because he has a partner and child doesn't mean he doesn't love her, etc etc.." She's insecure and needs to be gently (and firmly) put in her place, in a loving way. And his parents need to back him up on this.

@EL8888 thank you. That makes sense.
@Wavyheaded he has tried this. Tried so very hard.
His parents don't seem to be reinforcing the idea though and that is now the issue I think. They are in denial as to how bad she really is.

I would just stop going round.

Life is too short to be spending time with people who make you miserable. Although I understand sensitive situation.

You won’t make her like you and your in laws aren’t going to help.