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Original poster

DH making me cry

60 replies

Unsureconfused · 07/11/2019 23:26

Hello,
I just wanted to come on here to get this out in the open. DH as always been quite abrupt and abrasive in his manner, sometimes shouty towards me. Dogmatic and opinionated. Today we took one our cars to the garage as there was an issue with it and while we were there I was trying to explain something to the mechanic and DH says loudly "Shut up a minute, I'll tell him" and I could feel my face getting hot through embarrassment. Again I tried to speak and he shouted me down in front of the mechanic. I could feel the tears welling up so I walked away and left him to deal with the car etc.
The mechanic noticed early on that there were also issues with the tyres and we'd need one replacing soon (tread getting low, puncture in it). So this evening I said to DH that I'll take the car to get a new tyre in the morning and he literally started shouting and effing and blinding saying that I'm stupid and never listen and the mechanic didn't say it needed a new tyre at all. (I heard him actually say this myself). He said I should listen to him and sod the mechanic. Now I'm in floods of tears and shaky. I suffer from anxiety and really low self esteem which is probably magnifying this but I'm sick of being spoken to like this.
Don't get me wrong, he's not always like this. Can be very loving, excellent father, helpful and caring. At times quite nasty and abrupt to me. Even in public he will just shout at me and if I say "shhh, you're embarrassing me" he will get louder.
Sorry if this is jumbled, I'm a bit upset

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 07/11/2019 23:29

I'm not surprised you're upset. There's a basic lack of respect there towards you. How do you put up with it? He would never have got past first base with me. Nasty piece of work.

Original poster

Unsureconfused · 07/11/2019 23:33

We've been together for 15 years now. I think because he can be so great that I tend to ride out the unpleasant bits. Never been physically aggressive in any way. It's just embarrassing in front of other people!!
My mum's even pulled him up on it but he's quite arrogant and doesn't see he's doing anything wrong if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

Igobacktoblack · 07/11/2019 23:37

Eugh. Men and cars. They'd sicken your hole.

Frith2013 · 07/11/2019 23:38

He sounds like a right twat.

Igobacktoblack · 07/11/2019 23:39

If you had said to him, 'since you seem to know it all, I don't think we need a mechanic - you fix it' - would you have gotten a belt in the mouth?

TowelNumber42 · 07/11/2019 23:40

doesn't see he's doing anything wrong - does he get to override your feelings at will then?

No wonder you have anxiety and low self esteem. It would be a miracle if you didn't.

Igobacktoblack · 07/11/2019 23:40

What I mean is have you ever put him in his fucking place the cunt? If not, that's probably why you've escaped a hammering thus far.

Original poster

Unsureconfused · 07/11/2019 23:41

@igobacktoblack
No he's never been physically aggressive

OP posts:

Celebelly · 07/11/2019 23:41

Excellent fathers don't eff and blind at the mothers of their children and make them cry. Does he speak to you like this in front of the kids?

PickAChew · 07/11/2019 23:41

Your DH isn't d at all unless d stands for dickhead.

Original poster

Unsureconfused · 07/11/2019 23:42

I give him his answer normally but I think because it was in front of someone else today I was just mortified and embarrassed. Really over emotional anyway at the moment which is making me feel more sensitive!

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 07/11/2019 23:43

The nastiness cancels out the the niceness IMO. You shouldn't have to tread on eggshells round him.

Original poster

Unsureconfused · 07/11/2019 23:44

@Celebelly no, never swears in front of the kids but sometimes does speak to me disrespectfully and a bit sharply.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 07/11/2019 23:45

You can do better than him, OP. Whether on your own or with someone kinder.

You have 1 life. Is it worth the ruining of your confidence and self-esteem for the sake of 1 man? "Kind sometimes" doesn't cut it when he's a rude, offensive, arrogant bully at other times.

I bet the mechanic thought he was an idiot.

You were living before you met him and you can live life without him.

To be belittled and shouted at in public is just awful. I don't usually say LTB but please - Don't throw your good years away on this insufferable bully, only to cry bitter tears in your elder years as you stayed with him. & you do know in elder years he will be worse, don't you? & he will have utterly ruined your mental health by then. No man and marriage is worth that. No medals or gain out there for being a martyr to bullying.

Get rid of him then practice self-help and care, go for counselling, do 1 small thing every day that makes you happy. It may be rough going at first but persevere. When you realise you have your peace, you will smile.

You could get some legal advice regarding his emotional and verbal abuse of you. You don't have to tell him you're doing that.

If you've a record button on your phone then record him when he starts.

Greenkit · 07/11/2019 23:48

I suffer from anxiety and really low self esteem which is probably magnifying this

I suggest to get rid of 'D'h and this might stop

egontoste · 07/11/2019 23:48

I suffer from anxiety and really low self esteem

No wonder. Not only is he objectionable towards you at home, he demeans, belittles and humiliates you in public. What an absolute bastard.

chipsandgin · 07/11/2019 23:49

Your kids will take this behaviour as a blueprint for future relationships, if you don’t want that please think about your options..

BumbleBeee69 · 07/11/2019 23:51

I suggest to get rid of 'D'h and this might stop

agreed

Mishfit0819 · 07/11/2019 23:51

You're not over emotional or sensitive - you are feeling normal emotions in relation to this situation! Completely normal, unless you also add in anger which is how I'd be if anyone spoke to me like this, never mind my 'd' h.

Even if he doesn't think he's acted badly, the fact it's caused you to be upset or reduced to tears, means he has and therefore needs to address it. It's not just his feelings that matter.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/11/2019 23:57

Ever think your anxiety is a natural reaction to living in an unsafe situation?

Nobody should be treated like this. It has become so normal to him to put you down he does it in front of your mother and strangers. It's abuse, OP.

Most abusers are nice some of the time. There's a book called 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft you might find interesting.

Your anxiety and self-esteem issues - it's not you, it's him. To an extent anyway, though you may have some history that stopped you from seeing red flags in the early stages.

scubadive · 08/11/2019 00:00

He has no respect for you and you deserve better.

I had am ex like this who would be happy for me to drive around in a car that had tyres with no tread left etc as long as it meant not spending money and they have a way of 'blaming' you for any normal rational behaviour you may display.

The winter is coming, roads wet and slippy, maybe icy, not the time of year for low tread on your tyre. So regardless of what a mechanic may or may not have said, why can you not decide when the tread is low, why is only your DH Capable of this, all you need is a pair of eyes to look at the tyres, no expert knowledge, not rocket science.

Your DNH is exerting coercise control over you and it's making you ill.

I think you need to leave him.

scubadive · 08/11/2019 00:01

*coercive control, sorry for typo.

FairiesontheSwing · 08/11/2019 00:01

Its normal to feel low, anxious and highly emotional after being verbally attacked as a one off. Years and years of it will have you feeling on edge constantly. The way you feel is a natural reaction to how he treats you. It is HIS fault.

I bet if you left (which will make you feel worse in the short term) you will feel a million times calmer and happier a year later.

cannycat20 · 08/11/2019 00:25

"He's never been physically aggressive". Neither had my (now thankfully) evil ex. But he was an absolute master in trying to isolate me from friends and family, undermining me, and general psychological aggression. My friends thought I'd had a personality transplant for the short time we lived together, and until that point I was pretty assertive but I used to be so frightened I'd set him off over something. Now he's just a (mainly bad) memory, overlaid with happier times with other people.

I'd had a warning early on in our "relationship" when he made me cry over something ridiculous that he totally over-reacted to. I really wish I'd listened to my co-worker who said to me, "If he makes you cry now he'll always make you cry". I could have saved myself years of misery.

Igobacktoblack · 08/11/2019 00:49

Go and get your tyre replaced in the morning. FUCK HIM!!

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