Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH making me cry

60 replies

Unsureconfused · 07/11/2019 23:26

Hello,
I just wanted to come on here to get this out in the open. DH as always been quite abrupt and abrasive in his manner, sometimes shouty towards me. Dogmatic and opinionated. Today we took one our cars to the garage as there was an issue with it and while we were there I was trying to explain something to the mechanic and DH says loudly "Shut up a minute, I'll tell him" and I could feel my face getting hot through embarrassment. Again I tried to speak and he shouted me down in front of the mechanic. I could feel the tears welling up so I walked away and left him to deal with the car etc.
The mechanic noticed early on that there were also issues with the tyres and we'd need one replacing soon (tread getting low, puncture in it). So this evening I said to DH that I'll take the car to get a new tyre in the morning and he literally started shouting and effing and blinding saying that I'm stupid and never listen and the mechanic didn't say it needed a new tyre at all. (I heard him actually say this myself). He said I should listen to him and sod the mechanic. Now I'm in floods of tears and shaky. I suffer from anxiety and really low self esteem which is probably magnifying this but I'm sick of being spoken to like this.
Don't get me wrong, he's not always like this. Can be very loving, excellent father, helpful and caring. At times quite nasty and abrupt to me. Even in public he will just shout at me and if I say "shhh, you're embarrassing me" he will get louder.
Sorry if this is jumbled, I'm a bit upset

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 08/11/2019 01:12

I agree with igobacktoblack.

Unsureconfused, your husband is well out of order and he obviously likes an audience sometimes. Let him know you're not prepared to accept it and give him an ultimatum. Get others (not loads of others, just one would do if it is someone well respected by you both), onside if you can but first and foremost lay it on the line to your husband and make it clear you will not put up with it.

Good luck.

HuloBeraal · 08/11/2019 01:23

He sounds like a horrible nasty man. Does he shout at his colleagues? Belittle them? I thought not. He reserves that treatment for you. In front of strangers and your kids. That is NOT the action of a decent man and a decent father. I am struggling to see what you get out of marriage with a rude and unpleasant man who is gaslighting you.

HarrietsHat · 08/11/2019 01:32

I suffer from -anxiety and really low self esteem- having an abusive husband who belittles me. You are worth so much more than this, I truly hope you realise this.

Chottie · 08/11/2019 01:39

What a horrible man. I agree with all the previous comments. The mechanic probably thought what an idiot your DH was.

Regarding your tyre, get is replaced. You need to be safe driving on the road. See the link below for legal requirements for tyre treads in the UK

www.theaa.com/driving-advice/legal/tyres

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/11/2019 01:46

What an absolute dickhead he sounds.

BrendasUmbrella · 08/11/2019 02:30

Excellent fathers do not disrespect their kids' mothers. That's pretty much one of the basics when it comes to being an excellent parent.

Techway · 08/11/2019 02:38

He is a bully and gaslighting you re the tyres.

Do you ever stand up to him and say "don't speak to me like that".

Happysummer2020 · 08/11/2019 02:39

Yea I'm sorry but I'm with the above posters in suggesting that your DH has created or exacerbated your anxiety.

He doesn't sound nice.

I admire your restraint but I would have stormed out of that situation you were in. You dont deserve to be spoken to like that.

Who does your DH think he is???

Molly333 · 08/11/2019 06:13

Get yrself counselling to get yr self esteem back . Also how would you feel if your kids spike to their partners like that ? They are learning that from him . I grew up in a home like that and married an abusive man , my brothers r abusers . I wish my mum had left him and as an adult am angry at her and him

oohnicevase · 08/11/2019 06:39

I would pull him aside when he is quiet and say to him does he realise that shouting at you like that in public makes him look like an abusing vile bully to say the least .. I wonder if he realises that because if I saw someone speak to their wife like that I'd presume he was beating her at home !! Shocking behaviour !!

AgnesGrundy · 08/11/2019 06:45

Unsureconfused as you kids become teens either he'll start speaking to them the way he speaks to you and destroy their self esteem, or they'll start copying him and speaking to you that way and grow up with contempt for you.

Rethink whether he'll really be a good father to teenage and adult children. He certainly isn't a partner of any type because he sees you as inferior.

Couples counseling perhaps, if you want to stay together?

For the sake of your children as they get older it needs addressing.

tinytemper66 · 08/11/2019 06:57

He sounds like a shit and a bully. He is gas lighting you. As other PP say, he isnt a nice person. Dont delude yourself. He is a bastard for treating you like this. The kids will notice. For all your sakes tell him to fuck off and wither leave or he leaves as it is not worth it.
He is not your DH.....he is a bully.

Thatnovembernight · 08/11/2019 07:13

I agree with @DeeCeeCherry.

Aria2015 · 08/11/2019 07:25

The fact he's not always like this doesn't excuse his behaviour. Does he speak to other people this way? For example at work? I suspect not, because he knows he'd get hauled in front of HR! Why would he treat you, his wife, worse than he would treat say a colleague at work? Rather than be upset, I'd be angry. He's being rude and disrespectful towards you. Totally unacceptable.

KnifeAngel · 08/11/2019 07:26

You can do so much better than being with a vile bully. Your poor kids shouldn't be witnessing their Dad speaking to their Mum like that.

lowlandLucky · 08/11/2019 07:41

He is the reason you suffer from anxiety and low self esteem

MashedSpud · 08/11/2019 07:48

Next time he shouts, you shout back as loud as you can.

I honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with this for fifteen years.

Techway · 08/11/2019 08:13

Couples counseling perhaps, if you want to stay together?

If one partner is bullying or abusive joint counselling is not advised. He has the issue not the OP. Until he addresses his faulty thinking, which is his level of entitlement, then he won't change. Unfortunately these misogynist views are deeply ingrained and rarely capable of change.

RubbingHimSourly · 08/11/2019 08:18

He sounds like a twat, the mechanic would have thought he was a twat, people in public will have noted his abusive behaviour. Even other men would have been stood there thinking what a horrible man.

You and your DC deserve better than this, time to gather your self respect and do something about it.

AgnesGrundy · 08/11/2019 08:22

Techway I agree that he has the issue, but LTB ist easy to say but very difficult for the woman to do when they have children together and probably are financially entangled.

Is shouting back at him, or taking any of the other DIY advice likely to be more successful than an impartial counseling service?

It's a difficult situation certainly, and leaving is probably the only complete solution (even then its incomplete as he'll still have access to the children...).

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2019 08:55

You deserve to be treated kindly all the time op, not just when he's in a good mood. Don't put up with this nastiness for another 15 minutes.

Candace19 · 08/11/2019 09:00

Having lived previously in a similar situation. For me, he behaved in that way because he didn't want to be with me but didn't have the balls to end it so was just thoroughly vile in the hope that I would do it for him.

Adayatatime · 15/11/2019 22:42

Sorry for not getting back to this thread, thank you so much for all kind words of help. Things are not much better so considering my next steps. Thank you

MrsMozartMkII · 15/11/2019 22:47

Sending you a hand hold lass.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2019 22:51

What a miserable way to spend your life. Every day you stay with him is nothing but a fucking waste.

Swipe left for the next trending thread