Things I have learnt since becoming rich (a.k.a. fuck you: Nigella and Jamie)

[TheAutumnHere]

1. Having an oven that holds temperature stops cakes falling
2. A stand mixer simplifies baking by a factor of at least 4, and improves the results
3. Branded vacuum cleaners actually remove dirt from the floor
4. Le Creuset pans don't stick, and just wipe clean
5. Baking with children is delightful japes, when timed the morning before the cleaner comes
6. Corn fed chicken is the bomb

Just leaving a note to my past self - who never cut herself any slack and thought she was a slattern and a crap cook.

And one of the best cookbooks for baking is probably the Be-ro book, which costs a couple of quid in supermarkets.

But you don't need to shell out for Be-ro flour, or other baking ingredients, I get all mine from Aldi, and people comment on how nice my cakes are.

Have to agree with Littlemeadow - my granny and her generation were far from rich and were all amazing bakers. Stork SB margarine and an ancient mixer (which I've earmarked for myself when DM goes) were their stock-in-trade. My DGM worked full time as well, but the thought of buying a shop-bought cake was just wrong to her. Shitty council house ovens too.

My DGM was brought up baking and cooking (2 girls in a family of 13) and I certainly don't recall any cookbooks in her house. Do something often enough, you'll become good at it, if you're baking once a month then maybe it is about ovens and kit.

I'm finding the Mumsnet chicken-ishness of some of the responses to this thread kind of proving my point.

I can well believe that there are many people who are better cooks and housekeepers than me, who are probably baking a souffle in a hollowed out pumpkin warmed by a candle flame as we speak.

I just wanted to introduce two people:

May: Can't bake more than a rice crispie cake, house always slightly grubby, sink overflowing with dirty pans, nasty frozen pizza for dinner on friday nights

June: darling of the PTA for her beautiful frosted cupcakes, robot vacuum cleaner quietly humming around an already clean floor, imaginative fritters whipped up out of leftovers for tea on a friday night, kitchen with a spare side sink to wash my vegetables even if someone left a mug in the main sink.

And I'm literally the same person. This is me. Ten years in it - but I've not spent them in catering college.

I am bloody Nigella and Jamie now. I am it. And I'd like to send a message to my past self - I was still that person then - working just as hard, caring just as much about my little family - I was just getting so much less return on my effort.

I don’t agree with you about baking.
You don’t need to have expensive kits or buy all the best ingredients (supermarket own brands work fine) to bake decent stuff.
Some of the US muffins using a bit of oil and milk, flour and an egg with really well and you just mix In a bowl with a wooden spoon.

A decent working oven is important though.

Well I defend Jamie. He has encouraged many people to cook, and to eat healthily. He understands that people are time pressed and that some are intimidated by ingredients. He has encouraged men.

And he's never sat in his arse and boasted about his money. Rather, he looks for the next project.

Good for him, and hats off!

Ok, I agree. If you want soufflés and beautifully decorated cakes then yes, good equipment is needed.

I totally agree with you OP.

Jamie - How to cook a mid-week roast dinner in 30 mins - start with a £80 piece of fillet steak - riiiight.... [hmmm] only a millionaire would think that was a solution to a nifty family meal on a Wednesday.

Thing is, you're not just talking to your former self. You're talking to people who are still in that situation and what they're probably hearing is 'life would be so much easier if you were rich!'. Which they/we probably already know and don't particularly want our noses rubbed in it. It helps me far more to think I can do stuff reasonably well without being rich tbh.

I get you op, I really do. When I moved in with my now dh, I moved into his house, which he'd inherited from his parents. One thing they never skimped on was decent kitchen ware. My kitchen has a top of the range kenwood, lovely le creuset pans, a fantastic oven, super responsive electric hob etc etc. I've never had any of this stuff before, and I'm grateful every day for it. The impact on my cooking, and my general ability to feel competent in the kitchen, has been surprising. I no longer look at recipes and wonder if I can do that with only a hand whisk or stick blender. Or if I can do it in an 8in pan because i dont have a 9in. Things dont stick to pans, pans wash easily, and I can find everything I need because the kitchen is well designed and laid out. It's just simpler, much more enjoyable, and the results are so much better.

@SnugglySnerd - why would the cleaner care about wiping up flour traces while she's cleaning the kitchen? She's paid per hour not per room.

Is there a moral hierarchy where it's okay for her to vacuum the floor, but the kitchen has to be sparkling before she gets here? Is that because I am shamed as a woman if I let someone see me as imperfect and needing
support?

We're not mashing cookie dough into plug sockets. Just that when you fry, there's grease film on the wall behind the hob; when you bake with kids there tends to be 'cloud of flour' incidents that require more than the immediate baking area to be cleaned.

So we do big cooking in 36 hours before cleaner - then eat/reheat our own food for the next 4 days. Hence house stays decent without me being a martyr to it.

Completely agree with you op!

We gave up baking cakes at our new Brownies venue as the oven was terrible. Burned at the back and still squelchy at the front. Our previous venue had a much larger and just better oven. Admittedly the cakes were still Brownies standard, but at least they cooked consistently.

There is a limit to what you can produce with poorer quality ingedients/ equipment.

Jamie's 30 minute meals is a great concept, but I don't have the professional skills to actually produce the meal in 30 minutes... nor can I often find the ingredients in my provincial supermarket.

Well, I never realised I was baking wrong.

My oven door is more duct tape than door and my mixer cost me around £20 from argos at least ten years ago.

Yet, my friend buys my cupcakes for £30 for twelve and sells them on in his cafe for £4 each.

Regularly.

Just imagine what they'd be like if I could be arsed to by a new oven....

Ah you remind me of an experience I had at work once. Cleaning.
It was local offices and some builders were doing some renovations. I was sitting waiting to start and the builders spilt a load of stuff on the floor making a huge mess. One started to clean it up and the other said 'nah mate just leave it for the bloody cleaner' and laughed.
I went and introduced myself they apologised and cleaned it.
Moral is, don't be a knob to people that do the jobs no one appreciates, they work hard and deserve the same respect you expect yourself.
Clean up your kitchen a bit, you sound like a knob leaning less for the 'staff' on purpose

Sainsbury's do excellent Le Creuset dupes for about a fifth of the price.

Do they? That's well worth knowing. I'm off to Sainsbury's.

I personally think that it's hard to bake when stressed.

Being hard up = stress

Having more money = less stress and therefore better baking.

My pet hate with Jamie and Nigella is their 'oh, you can just pop to the local shop and buy this special seed pod from this tropical plant that is absolutely ESSENTIAL to this dish' attitude. Not when you live in the middle of rural England and your online shop will sub you two cauliflowers and a gerkin for the seed pod ingredient.

OP, I agree with you about the lack of realism on TV cooking programmes about how long it takes to get all the ingredients out, weigh/prepare them and then wash up/put everything away/wipe surfaces down/clean hob and oven afterwards.

I also agree that having a bit of slack in the budget makes everything in life seem better. You're probably a better cook now because you're more relaxed and less tired.

@foamrolling @Lyingonthesofainthedark

Old me seriously thought of pitching Jamie a slow cooker series concept.

Like - he really does cook like a 'chef' - as in he seems to assume access to a pot washer.

I did learn to 'translate' as time went on - and I wouldn't have namechecked him if I didn't have half his books - but its an extra mental load.

I don't want to make anyone feel bad .

I want to tell 'person who is like old me' : "You're doing so much better than you think you are" .

However, I do not believe that all that makes you a better cook.

You are improving your surroundings and that makes you want to be there.

darling of the PTA for her beautiful frosted cupcakes, robot vacuum cleaner quietly humming around an already clean floor

Have you heard yourself?

I had to relearn how to cook when I moved into halls. I replaced my bargain basement pans pretty sharpish as everything burned through the thin bottoms. One pan got binned unused as I saw no point in ruining a dinner in it just because.

I was used to the instant response from gas and found that on the shitty basic electric cooker I had to start hot on one burner, then switch burners every time I needed to adjust the temperature down as it took so long to cook and would weld the food to the bottom of my thin, crap pans.

Definitely harder to cook well than it was at home.

I think you're right - the ability to buy quality kit does make life easier.

And it plays into Vimes' boot theory of socio-economic unfairness in action (for Terry Pratchett fans).

Got to disagree about Le Cruset pans (maybe I am a crap cook?)

A lot of people I think are missing the overall point, which is not that you can't be a good cook/baker if you don't have good equipment, rather that it's a lot easier to be a good cook/baker with good equipment. I'm getting a new kitchen in soon and I'm so excited because it's just so bloody hard to do anything when you lack space! Getting in to the back of cupboards to find specific equipment when they're piled high with random crap is not conducive to a positive baking experience. Plus I can't buy any new fancy equipment as there's no storage space. Getting good, reasonably priced tins, etc can be a matter of trial and error which people can't always afford so they're stuck with their first choice. We're also getting a new oven and hob which I'm hoping like hell will be better than the old one.

@Suxurblood2eatuthen I really don't think I'm being a dick to my cleaner. I just don't see it as demeaning work to wipe down the counters and mop the floor. It's directly what the arrangement is - to clean the kitchen. Which is then not used for more than boiling pasta for half the week. She cleans the freaking room top to bottom whether it's pristine or vaguely floury. (She did get pissy with the builders for leaving
building rubble - and I passed on the complaint).