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Original poster

Wedding nonsense

61 replies

Pogmella · 31/10/2019 22:16

So we’re getting married in 18 months- yay!

It’s 2nd time around for DP and we both already have kids so we’re planning a small lunchtime do and a nice meal after. Fewer than 40 including me, DP, DSD and my 2x DSs

DP’s sister has always been a bit socially awkward. When she learnt of our engagement (we didn’t even announce it!) she called him to request her DD was a bridesmaid in a joking way which we laughed off, explaining it was a small ceremony about bringing our families together.

He hasn’t seen his sister in 4 years, we live at the very top of the country they live at the most southern most point pretty much with very awkward transport links. I’ve never met her, or her DD.

She’s now found my phone number (?) and whatsapped me to ask again about if her DD can be a bridesmaid, including offering to pay for her dress! It’s not a cash thing, we just really don’t want it to feel like a big do and I barely know her.

How the hell do I respond without just calling her out for being monumentally rude (which is what I’d like to do!)

She says her DD will never be a bridesmaid otherwise. She is happily married to her DD’s dad and seems to have overlooked that our kids will have all sorts of other blended family highs and lows to navigate- they’re all excited about the wedding can they not just have that day is how I feel I guess...

All the kids are between 2 and 7 if that matters (hers being youngest)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2019 22:21

"I'm sorry, but we're having a very small wedding and we've decided not to have any attendants."

aweedropofsancerre · 31/10/2019 22:22

Interesting she messaged you and not her brother?

Original poster
Pogmella · 31/10/2019 22:22

@Aquamarine1029 but my DSs are page boys/groomsmen and his DD is very much a bridesmaid- sorry I should have said that. They’re all super excited.

OP posts:

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Weddings
Pinkyyy · 31/10/2019 22:23

Just say no, you never know what she will want to do next. I wouldn't feel bad, especially since you've never met her. I find her very cheeky.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/10/2019 22:23

Are you having any bridesmaids?
Will your children be bridesmaids?
Not that any of that matters.
I think it's incredibly rude of her to ask.
I'm assuming Her dd is behind a long line of people whom you would choose to be bridesmaid.
I'd let your partner deal with her and just say no, pogmela is only having her dd and my dd ( or whoever you choose).

Original poster
Pogmella · 31/10/2019 22:23

@aweedropofsancerre we think because she’s angling for a bridal party role she thinks I’m the one to hit up

OP posts:
Fatted · 31/10/2019 22:25

I don't think it's rude of her to ask really. But I've also been in the emotional hurricane that is organizing a wedding and knowing how stressful it can be.

You can decline while being polite. Tell her you're sorry but there will be no bridesmaids. It's not about money, it's about wanting a small do.

emilybrontescorsett · 31/10/2019 22:25

Cross posted there.
Still say no.

Pinkyyy · 31/10/2019 22:26

You're only having your own daughter as a bridesmaid. That's a good enough reason and if she doesn't like it then she will have to lump it.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2019 22:26

In that case, you tell her it's a small wedding and only your children will be attendants. Seriously, her feelings about it are not your responsibility. Her asking for her daughter to be a bridesmaid is beyond rude and ridiculous. If she doesn't like your choices, so be it. You need to stop worrying about what she wants and just live your life. This is your wedding, it's your decision.

Bobthefisherghoulswife · 31/10/2019 22:26

I'd say sorry but no, your children are doing the bridal party thing because they're your children, and at 2, her dd is too young (that's my opinion though, not factual)

Whoops75 · 31/10/2019 22:30

She is being very rude

Will her child be the only one between 2-7 to be left out?
It’s no excuse but explains her reason.

Just say no, extended family will be guests only.

dreichsky · 31/10/2019 22:30

Honestly would be be so bad to call dn a flower girl, let her mum put her is a dress and give her a basket of rose petals or similar to chuck about at some point?
Explain she is too young to walk down the aisle with you but you'd happily have her involved after the formal ceremony, maybe do a photo with her.

stucknoue · 31/10/2019 22:31

Just say that only your children are bridesmaids/page boys .... assuming it's true, bit awkward if a friends kid is also a bridesmaid

Original poster
Pogmella · 31/10/2019 22:42

It’s only our kids as attendants and an adult as best man. Best man in largely to help with ushering guests etc so we can corral our children and actually get married.

It’s not really a standard wedding with formal photos etc @dreichsky so I do think that would change the vibe a bit.

I don’t want another attendant that isn’t close to us, basically, and I feel it’s not something you ask for. I was looking forward to letting DSD choose whatever dress she wanted without worrying about different sizes or tastes, for instance.

It probably is more DPs issue so maybe I’ll just let him call her and ignore it...

OP posts:
LumpyPillow · 31/10/2019 23:02

That's just plain potty. Even someone really close to you texting and asking to be/for their child to be a significant role in YOUR wedding is really, really weird. Only people who are genuinely weird/no social skills or self awareness or a bit backwards/old fashioned do that kind of thing.

Just say no, firmly, kindly. Don't even fret over it, it's really rude and bizarre. If her daughter is never a bridesmaid (which she has no certainty of knowing anyway!) it won't harm her or affect her life in any way. I don't know anyone whose biggest life regrets/life let downs are not being asked to be a bridesmaid when they were a really small child that they won't even remember. 😂 Reeks of a neurotic mum with no social skills. Fuck that right off.

KellyHall · 31/10/2019 23:08

Just say no.

If she demands an explanation: we've never met should be sufficient!

dreichsky · 31/10/2019 23:29

In that case OP, just say no.
If you haven't met her by now then you aren't likely to hang out much going forward.

PinterStar · 01/11/2019 04:48

Tbh I'd just say yes. I ended up having every little girl at my wedding being a bridesmaid - my cousins kids who I knew well were the ones I asked and then one of DH's relatives got in touch to ask if her daughter could be a bridesmaid because she was so excited etc. I just decided it was easier to say yes and then asked the mothers of the other two little girls who'd be there if they'd also like to be bridesmaids.

It was sweet and hassle free, they didn't all wear the same dress (the super excited one had already picked her dress from her dressing up box 😂) but I got them each a small posy to carry and matching head dresses/flower crowns. They didn't get ready with me in the morning either, we just met at the venue. Basically they were just guests who walked in after everyone else, looked extra cute and got to feel special.

It's your wedding though so you can absolutely do what you like/say no way (really it should be your partner saying it!)

LannisterLion1 · 01/11/2019 07:03

I'd say no. You want photos of your own little family. You aren't close to his sister or hers. I'd expect her to still be a CF and do it anyway though.

It's bollocks that she will never be a bridesmaid, she could well be one for a friend. I was never a bridesmaid or flower girl as a child, for any of the family marriages we went too. I've been one 5 times as an adult!

LannisterLion1 · 01/11/2019 07:04

Besides which you both already said no. Best to get dh to call her and repeat.

Candle1000 · 01/11/2019 07:11

Cheeky woman ! I’d say no but I bet she dresses her like a bridesmaid anyway .

Harriett123 · 01/11/2019 07:19

Just say no
" sorry only our DC are in the wedding party. Look forward to meeting you and childs name at the wedding."
If she persists then tell DP and get him to make her back off.
Also of her childs 2 why does she assume this is the childs only chance to be a bridesmaid. What an absurd statement.

Mumdiva99 · 01/11/2019 07:27

Oh bless, this is a little difficult to navigate. You don't want to start married life with extra challenges. Equally I think it sounds a lovely day with your kids being the focus of attention. Maybe that's just what you tell her. As this is about blending two families it's important that your kids are the focus at this wedding. Sorry. (I got married this year and my daughter chose her dress - she's 9 - it was the most cerise, blingiest, sparkliest, pinkest number we could find. She loved it. And I found a dress to compliment it! I hope you enjoy your wedding as much as I did.)

Nishky · 01/11/2019 07:31

@PinterStar what a lovely story- what a king and generous thing to do, you lovely woman you. Made me smile.

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