Wedding nonsense

[Pogmella]

So we’re getting married in 18 months- yay!

It’s 2nd time around for DP and we both already have kids so we’re planning a small lunchtime do and a nice meal after. Fewer than 40 including me, DP, DSD and my 2x DSs

DP’s sister has always been a bit socially awkward. When she learnt of our engagement (we didn’t even announce it!) she called him to request her DD was a bridesmaid in a joking way which we laughed off, explaining it was a small ceremony about bringing our families together.

He hasn’t seen his sister in 4 years, we live at the very top of the country they live at the most southern most point pretty much with very awkward transport links. I’ve never met her, or her DD.

She’s now found my phone number (?) and whatsapped me to ask again about if her DD can be a bridesmaid, including offering to pay for her dress! It’s not a cash thing, we just really don’t want it to feel like a big do and I barely know her.

How the hell do I respond without just calling her out for being monumentally rude (which is what I’d like to do!)

She says her DD will never be a bridesmaid otherwise. She is happily married to her DD’s dad and seems to have overlooked that our kids will have all sorts of other blended family highs and lows to navigate- they’re all excited about the wedding can they not just have that day is how I feel I guess...

All the kids are between 2 and 7 if that matters (hers being youngest)

A simple 'we are only having our children' in the bridal party should do it.

It's not like you are having your nieces/nephews from your side and excluding hers, you are doing a 'blanket exclusion' so she's can't feel miffed.

I am amazed when people ask to be part of a bridal party. Its a request from the people getting married, not the people attending.

I would agree to include her, but make her a flower girl rather than a bridesmaid. Flower girl is a lesser role than bridesmaid, so your own kids could still feel special. But honestly I think you could teach your kids a wonderful lesson about kindness, generosity, and picking your battles if you agreed to this.

Very presumptuous.

My sister is getting married in December. She too is having a small wedding with under 40. I would never ask that. My sister and her partner don't have kids and they still are very happy without a bridal party - though obviously I'm helping with anything she needs.

Your partner needs to quash this fast before it escalates further. The sister sounds very entitled and "No." Is a full sentence!
If you want to explain why (you don't have to) just say
"We are having a very small and intimate wedding, our own children are the only ones with roles in the wedding and that is how we want it. Our own little unit working together. It is not about the money.

It's quite inappropriate to ask and ride to push this of us both. We look forward to seeing you ask guests on the day.

Personally I think that if you are not wanting to reconsider you just resend the message your DP sent.

I'm not lobbying for you to change your mind but in terms of everyone on here saying she is a CF then just bear in mind that another reading of it is.... Brother and sister are no longer close, brother is getting married & sister is excited. She wants to make sure her daughter is as excited at netting a bunch of new people who are her family. She knows she would love to be a bridesmaid. She decides to be cheeky and asks but in doing so offers to cover all costs. Brother turns her down . She realises she should have asked the bride so speaks to a family member who agrees and gives her brides phone number.

You don't know her. She could just be a CF but......

Doesn't mean you have to say yes by any means just saying temper how you say no.

"The only children in the bridal party are our own. This is because we see it as not just us becoming a married couple but it's about all five of us becoming a blended family. Having another child attendant would detract from the importance of their roles. It's not about costs. Looking forward to meeting you all on our special day." If you want to meet her halfway could you suggest that you'd love DN to give you a lucky horseshoe, bit old fashioned but it'll give her a chance for a photo op.
Don't get drawn into the emotion of it being DN's only chance of being a bridesmaid. Lots of girls manage fine without having a little princess moment. One thing I would do is keep you DSD's dress under tight wraps. I'm sure sil wouldn't go out of her way to buy same but you never know.

So she gave DP a call at lunch (he sent the short message this morning) and apparently tried to explain how weddings usually are, he was really clear it’s not a traditional or formal wedding. She understands it’s a ‘No’ but annoyingly has left it in a sort of ‘offers open if you change your mind closer to the time’ way. He said she just didn’t seem to be listening that the wedding won’t be 100 ppl in a country house/barn like lots of weddings are. She was surprised how small it is (and flattered to be invited) so perhaps she’ll get it a bit more. He did feel she was being a bit patronising but apparently that’s par for the course.

She is certainly coming across as quite forward! But I don’t think I need to send her anything specific- thanks all.

We will keep DSD’s dress quiet- DP suggested that himself!

Is 40 guests considered a small wedding?!

I can’t think of 40 people I like enough to want to spend a day with.

I think keep any colour scheme quiet too. I was silly and told my auto and like and behold my cousin came dressed in the bridal party colours!!

Sorry silly fone.... lo and behold

God, I hate it when people think they know better what you want than they do! So annoying!

It doesn't matter how big the wedding is, it's entirely the bride &grooms choice.
I don't get people who think they get to decide who other people have as bridesmaids/Paige boys.