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Original poster

Wedding nonsense

61 replies

Pogmella · 31/10/2019 22:16

So we’re getting married in 18 months- yay!

It’s 2nd time around for DP and we both already have kids so we’re planning a small lunchtime do and a nice meal after. Fewer than 40 including me, DP, DSD and my 2x DSs

DP’s sister has always been a bit socially awkward. When she learnt of our engagement (we didn’t even announce it!) she called him to request her DD was a bridesmaid in a joking way which we laughed off, explaining it was a small ceremony about bringing our families together.

He hasn’t seen his sister in 4 years, we live at the very top of the country they live at the most southern most point pretty much with very awkward transport links. I’ve never met her, or her DD.

She’s now found my phone number (?) and whatsapped me to ask again about if her DD can be a bridesmaid, including offering to pay for her dress! It’s not a cash thing, we just really don’t want it to feel like a big do and I barely know her.

How the hell do I respond without just calling her out for being monumentally rude (which is what I’d like to do!)

She says her DD will never be a bridesmaid otherwise. She is happily married to her DD’s dad and seems to have overlooked that our kids will have all sorts of other blended family highs and lows to navigate- they’re all excited about the wedding can they not just have that day is how I feel I guess...

All the kids are between 2 and 7 if that matters (hers being youngest)

OP posts:
MIdgebabe · 01/11/2019 07:31

I have never been a bridesmaid, don't worry, you don't need to pick me either. I have managed to live a happy and successful life despite that.

MIdgebabe · 01/11/2019 07:32

Oops sorry managed to miss and update.

Original poster
Pogmella · 01/11/2019 07:50

Thanks all. To those saying they had all the kids as bridesmaids- that does sound really lovely. I think if our own kids weren’t in the wedding party we probably would say yes but we don’t really want to detract from their roles, at the moment it’s all very ‘you’ve got an important job to do on the day!’ Which I think would seem a bit hollow if some random 2 (or 3.5yo by then) rocks up with similar duties.

I’m sure she will dress her up (message suggested she already has her eye on something) but I’m fine with that. I won’t tell her that obvs, don’t want her bringing flowers too or whatever.

DP is considering a brief message today along the lines of ‘surprised you asked again, it’s really not going to be that kind of day and we only want our kids as attendants’. Weighing up whether to add ‘I didn’t really think this was the kind of thing you asked as much were invited to do tbh’ but probably best to leave it.

DP’s mum is very much on side so we’re not about to cause a hugs family war...

OP posts:

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Weddings
Original poster
Pogmella · 01/11/2019 07:51

Oh and it’s a small family with everyone married/older already, hence the notion she won’t be a bridesmaid again.

OP posts:
Lowbrow · 01/11/2019 08:02

I would. It’s only one extra little girl. It’s not as though you are having bridesmaids and groomsmen except for the best man. The children will be pageboys and flower girls. Let DSD choose the flower girl dresses.

Honestly it’s nice when families get on and do nice things for each other. My youngest DD had all her nieces and nephews, from age 2 to 7. Two are her husband’s nephew and niece and the other five from our side of the family. The girls dresses weren’t expensive and they were so excited and were all well behaved. The 3 year old girl asked if we could have another wedding the next day.

Undercoverdetective · 01/11/2019 08:10

Another one who thinks a flower girl could be a nice gesture. She will be your niece and your childrens' step cousin, it could be nice to encourage the children to include her. You could keep it really simple and have her sitting with her mum. If bridesmaides have posies give her a basket so that you make a distinction between their roles and don't undermine their importance. It may help you have a good relationship with your extended family going forwards and help your children blend in to the new family. You may even have more control over her behaviour on the day if she has an official role as you can specify which photos she's in.

lastqueenofscotland · 01/11/2019 08:13

It sounds like a really informal do
Just say it’s not that sort of wedding, I’m sure she’ll have a lovely day dressing up anyway. And if she keeps going on just keep shutting her down. No is a complete sentence and all that.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/11/2019 08:15

Always stand up to CF's, and definitely don't help raise an entitled child.

FaithInfinity · 01/11/2019 08:21

I think you should stand your ground because it’s making it special for your kids in a blended family and if you say yes to her it could open the door for all sorts! I’d message saying ‘Sorry but as X (your fiancé has already said, we are only having our own children as attendants to make it special for them’.

Apolloanddaphne · 01/11/2019 08:26

I think you are right to say no. I can see the point of people saying what's the harm in letting her be a flower girl. And for
the OP and her HTB they can probably rationalise it. However this is also about blending two families and the children may be upset and unhappy about another child they have never met somehow muscling in on their special roles on the day.

Chickychickydodah · 01/11/2019 08:27

Just say no and that it’s already been sorted then block her .

parkersnose · 01/11/2019 08:35

To those saying she's family it doesn't sound like they know. I'm assuming none of you have even met this child?

TitianaTitsling · 01/11/2019 08:41

Absolutely say no!

Original poster
Pogmella · 01/11/2019 08:46

@parkersnose no we’ve never met the little girl (I’m sure she’s lovely obviously!)

OP posts:
Wineislifex · 01/11/2019 08:57

Definitely say no it’s your day your decisions, I think it’s lovely to give your children the roles exclusively so they feel united and special.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/11/2019 09:04

Planning a wedding can be the time where roles are set and a bit of boundary pushing goes on. So far, you're doing well- your fiancé isn't handing all the work to you, you are standing your ground without being nasty and aren't setting yourself up as a pushover.
I don't think it's at all reasonable to expect you to change your wedding party when you have been so careful to make it all about your children and the blending of your families. It might be different if you were close to the sister and knew the child well, but you haven't met and your fiancé hasn't seen her in 4 years (I'm guessing there is a good reason for that!).

EL8888 · 01/11/2019 09:13

It would be a no from me. It’s additional hassle and expense lm assuming you don’t want. Never mind the fact it’s rude and grabby. You don’t even know them either! I don’t think it’s wise to feed into this type of behaviour.

CoraPirbright · 01/11/2019 09:16

I think its quite rude of her to ask when you have never even met her or her daughter! Also (and I understand that this is just my opinion), I think its far too young! I would say that its a really small wedding and the focus is on becoming a blended family so only your kids will be attendants!

allabouteve1 · 01/11/2019 09:24

I think your DP's reply is great and it sends a clear message that it isn't you but you as a couple who are making this decision. Asking once was cheeky pushing it with you is just rude.

How can she not see that your kids being the only attendants is important as you formally blend your families?

QuiteForgetful · 01/11/2019 09:36

I would say, no, as we mentioned, only our own children will be a part of the ceremony, as they will be merging into one family of brothers & sisters that day.
Be assertive, but polite, and then put it right out of your mind.

sawyersfishbiscuits · 01/11/2019 09:48

I was sat on the fence with this one until you explained that you want to make you're own children feel special. You're absolutely right. Just tell her something about your 'blended family' (hate that expression) becoming one and that it's so very important that the very special roles are for your children. Oh and that it's really not a big do anyway. You could always give her a little task like 'chief confetti thrower' on the day...

sawyersfishbiscuits · 01/11/2019 09:49

Your
NOT YOU'RE
DAMN autocorrect

Alicia9999 · 01/11/2019 09:55

"Hi X, we've already the made the decision on the bridal party I'm afraid, but can't wait to meet her!"

karala · 01/11/2019 10:01

You know, I think it would be a nice thing to do and if you're best man is going to herd the children then it's just one more. I get that she's a bit rude for asking but if she's prepared to pay for the dress then it would probably be a kindness to allow it.

karala · 01/11/2019 10:02

your best man