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Original poster

DD is refusing to put away her washing and I am FED UP

61 replies

FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 17:42

She had a meltdown last night about the state of her room. I had asked her to do her teeth and jammies while I took Ds to a club. She hadn't so by the time I got back it was extremely late and she was beyond tired (think gremlins after midnight) So I said we can deal with it tomorrow. Cue a tirade of nastiness. I walked away and then DH helped her tody the room (annoying!) on the condition she put her basket of washing away this afternoon after school. And he also said no screens until it is done.

So this afternoon there have been no screens, but also no washing put away. She has been nasty and rude. And is currently rolling around on the floor upstairs telling me that she hates people in the family that are called by a nickname starting with M. And that she wants a nice one that doesn't make her do her washing.

I am SO sick of the crap she gives me when I ask her to do the smallest things.

I need to go downstairs and do dinner which means she will come down and the washing STILL won't get done. (Which is probably her plan as she is apparently waiting until DH gets in so he helps her!) (as an explanation, she won't be upstairs - or downstairs - without an adult. She is 9)

Seriously, how hard is it to put away her washing?!? We had the EXACT same scenario last weekend. I then asked her to put it away while I was working, so she had all of Saturday and Sunday to do so. Was it done? NO.

Sorry, just needed to get it all out.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 18/10/2019 17:45

So, what were the consequences/sanctions for last weekend's refusal to put away the washing?

Marvinmarvinson · 18/10/2019 17:47

It is very tedious when they decide to battle you on something so small. I have a stubborn 9 year old. I refuse to be drawn in on most battles. get your dh on side when he gets in, he is absolutely not to tidy her room. Go downstairs and continue on with your evening and ignore any resulting fuss and silliness. Screen ban continues until she gives in and just puts the washing away. That's how I'd handle it anyway.

Ragwort · 18/10/2019 17:47

Pick your battles, I totally agree that it is very annoying but what is the worse thing that will happen if she doesn’t put away her washing? My DS never put his washing away, I used to just close the door and ignore the state of his room. Have a couple of ‘non negotiables’ is; no food in the bedroom. Maybe she will be embarrassed by the state of her room if her friends visit?

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Teachermaths · 18/10/2019 17:49

Just go downstairs and give her the consequences for that.

I'd try and go natural consequences. "If your washing isn't away, you have nothing to wear and therefore won't be going out this weekend. Or if you do, you'll be wearing old random clothes."

Sounds like she's ruling the roost a bit with this refusing to be on a different floor at 9 yo.

LolaSmiles · 18/10/2019 17:49

Honestly, I'd go down the route of natural consequences.

She doesn't put it away - she can't find it and has to organise herself to go out

It gets creased - she needs to iron it with an adult supervising obviously

I was a messy child and and all the "no X until you do your room" under the sun had no effect. But the worry about not being able to find my swimming costume for swimming, my gym kit etc had more impact.

That said, the biggest issue is your DH undermining you because the lack of consistency is what's causing the strop.

mankyfourthtoe · 18/10/2019 17:50

Try not to engage. It's been made clear no screen until she does it. Make sure dh agrees.
Just leave her to it.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 17:50

There was loss of screen time. Then it was a battle to get her to school/to bed etc so we let it go as one thing at a time is bad enough. And it was only a few things then. Now she has more and it is getting ridiculous. (I do the school washing and hang and iron it so she is presentable for school so during the week there isn't that much. it builds up as she shoves it back in the washing hamper or hides it or puts in back on the pile to be sorted so it looks like it is done)

I don't want to go down the route of ignoring her room as she gets upset at the state of it. And then that leads to meltdowns at bedtime.

And I thought I was being helpful dedicating the time being upstairs so she can do it - usually, I am rushing about, especially as tonight I am not working when I normally would be and out the door at this point.

Really, it is the nasty things she says that gets me. :(

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/10/2019 17:52

What is the reason she won’t be without an adult either upstairs or downstairs Confused? If she comes downstairs make sure you get her to help with the dinner or some other chore.

KnittingSister · 18/10/2019 17:53

I'd say the task is too big for her, so break it down.
Ask her to put away 6 things.
Make a shadow board for her drawers and wardrobe.
Put away together so it doesn't take her so long, but then do another job together as well.
Good luck Smile

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 17:53

Can't find clothes = meltdowns. And I mean nasty ones.

Can't find swimming stuff = her cheering as she hates swimming. ( I still make her go!)

We think she is on the spectrum but still, want her to take more care and responsibility with her things. Her older brothers (one of who is also on the spectrum) could do it at this age, so I don't think it is an unreasonable request?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/10/2019 17:54

If she gets upset at the state of her room then surely needs to learn how to keep it tidy, assuming no SN it does sound as though she has got you and your DH wrapped round her fingers. Time for some tough love.

ClownsandCowboys · 18/10/2019 17:54

I used to do that as a teenager and I often don't put my washing away now, drives DH mental. I put it on the floor and just search through the pile each morning.

I would just leave her, but refuse to wash clean clothes. If she has a meltdown at bedtime, point out its her room and if it upsets her she should tidy it. Then ignore the meltdown.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 17:56

To be fair to DH, he may not have heard me say to go do teeth and bed (although it was her bedtime, so.... ) when I left, and he was downstairs when I said no to doing her room an hour past her bedtime...

I will be raging if he does her clothes tonight though! I was very cross last weekend when it didn't get done!

OP posts:
Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:01

I try to not engage with the meltdown but she says such nasty things and will literally SCREAM for hours.
Example: All week she has been asking to go to McDonald's after school. We went last Friday as a treat. SO Monday, she was horribly rude and nasty when I said no in the car (she literally asked as she opened the door!) resulting in loss of screens. Tuesday she asked again, again i reminded her it is an occasional food, cost etc and said no. She screamed at me she would walk home then ( too far) and screamed stop the car the entire car trip home. When we got in she walked off down the street ( no money?!) and only a screen ban then saying I would report her as a runaway brought her back. Wednesday, Thursday, today I managed to stop the tantrums as I had food in the car (low blood sugar?) but she still asked. She just took it better when I said no.

I don't give in, but she is so horrible to me. Once she has become 'unstuck' then she will feel remorse and say sorry, but we need to ride the wave first :(

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/10/2019 18:03

Can't find clothes = meltdowns. And I mean nasty ones.

Can't find swimming stuff = her cheering as she hates swimming. ( I still make her go!)
So you remove the required kit from the pile and put it somewhere safe.

The thing here (and I hope this doesn't sound awful) is that with your DH undermining you and doing it for her, she's learning that if she refuses to so something then someone else will do it for her either because she's been stroppy, or because nobody wants to deal with the tantrum when she can't get her own way and find what she wants.

With you both on different pages, it's hard to judge whether she may be on the spectrum experiencing very real difficulty and meltdowns or whether she's displaying overindulged stroppy child behaviour because she is learning that's how she can get her own way.

LittleSweet · 18/10/2019 18:04

She only gets the things she likes, eg: xbox, tv, electronics, phone etc when she does what you want. Be firm. Also if my dcs complain of boredom they get to do housework.

kiki22 · 18/10/2019 18:06

She's 9 she's more than capable of putting clothes away she sound like she just likes to be in control.

I would leave her room she can have all the melt downs she wants in her disgusting room away from all the helpful family members. Shut the door and tell her to come get you when she decides to act like a reasonable person. I wouldn't let my 3 year old get away with not helping when asked ever mind 9.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:10

As I said, he didn't hear me say those things, so that is on me as I didn't communicate as I walked out to take DS to his club, and he does do work in the evenings at home so unless I am at work that evening then it is me who is in charge of bedtime. And he does say no to her and tell her off for being rude to me. and refuses to do stuff if I have communicated.

So I guess our problem is that we need to communicate. Hard when we only have a short handover - literally minutes - when I work in the evenings and on the weekend. He walks in and I go out. hmm. Will think about that. But it is hard as he hates walking into conflict after a long day at work - and I don't mean for it to be that way, it is just that he finishes at a time when it is busiest in the house, dinner, bedtime, chores etc so it explodes.

And she is on the spectrum - this is only a tiny snippet of an example.

OP posts:
Times10 · 18/10/2019 18:12

I’ve had to threaten to not wash DCs clothes if they don’t put them away. Still tantrums every time I ask, but if I remind them I won’t wash the clothes, they do get their act together.
It’s not fun, and I basically wait a week to ask them again as it’s the same story every time. It would be much easier if they did it every day, but I can’t keep fighting about it.

willitbe · 18/10/2019 18:12

If she is on the spectrum like her brothers, then executive functioning may require a little more support than usual for a child of her age. If it were me I would go in give her a big hug and say lets tackle this together. Standing in the room holding her washing and passing her one thing at a time to deal with. Try to reduce her stress levels over it. You might even have to do a deal with her, she does one item, then you do one item. But she has to stay in the room and work with you.

If she refuses to do her washing even with calm help, then you will have to decide with her dad what is the bottom line for what you want her to do. Work out between you what support she needs and what consequences for not doing it, then you both need to communicate with each other and her and make sure you stick with your rules. Consistency will help.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 18/10/2019 18:14

I agree with breaking it down for her. Small, specific tasks with a 'fun thing' afterwards - "put away your socks, then you can watch your cartoon", "fold your t-shirts before you sit down for tea". Hopefully after a few weeks she'll learn to break it down herself and you won't need to walk her through every step.

newnameagainagain · 18/10/2019 18:17

Swimming kit in a designated swimming bag as soon as it's dry.

Do the washing together.
Break it down rather than pile it all in a basket.
Knickers and socks one pile, t shirts and leggings etc, however it is kept I. The drawers etc.

Once the room is tidy take steps to help her keep it that way. If that involves less stuff to clutter it up so be it.

The behaviour is another issue all together and needs addressing.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:18

I know consistency helps. We have chores rota on the fridge. All children have their school timetable on the fridge. We have a four-week meal plan on the, you guessed it, the fridge. We go over the day and week ahead. Things are planned and scheduled.

Like dinner - she is now creating as she doesn't 'feel like' what is on the meal plan. Even though we all got to choose meals - meals she won't eat because reasons we adapted or provided an alternative. It was approved by all people in the house. She moans about dinner daily.

I am exhausted.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/10/2019 18:20

How old is she?

Clangus00 · 18/10/2019 18:22

You should write your OH a note.

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