DD is refusing to put away her washing and I am FED UP

[FieldsOfLavender]

She had a meltdown last night about the state of her room. I had asked her to do her teeth and jammies while I took Ds to a club. She hadn't so by the time I got back it was extremely late and she was beyond tired (think gremlins after midnight) So I said we can deal with it tomorrow. Cue a tirade of nastiness. I walked away and then DH helped her tody the room (annoying!) on the condition she put her basket of washing away this afternoon after school. And he also said no screens until it is done.

So this afternoon there have been no screens, but also no washing put away. She has been nasty and rude. And is currently rolling around on the floor upstairs telling me that she hates people in the family that are called by a nickname starting with M. And that she wants a nice one that doesn't make her do her washing.

I am SO sick of the crap she gives me when I ask her to do the smallest things.

I need to go downstairs and do dinner which means she will come down and the washing STILL won't get done. (Which is probably her plan as she is apparently waiting until DH gets in so he helps her!) (as an explanation, she won't be upstairs - or downstairs - without an adult. She is 9)

Seriously, how hard is it to put away her washing?!? We had the EXACT same scenario last weekend. I then asked her to put it away while I was working, so she had all of Saturday and Sunday to do so. Was it done? NO.

Sorry, just needed to get it all out.

I am glad the situation is sorted. If it happens again, stay calm.
It is so easy for things to escalate and you don't want to live a war everyday about everything.

This is what I would do. Sit down with her at the dinning table, you with a cup a tea, her with a hot chocolate. Super calm and super kind. Tell her, you don't like how things are going, all the tensions, the screaming and you want to reset the clock, clean the slate, whatever. New beginning. You are going to help her tidy and clean the room, and see if there are adjustments that can help put things away in an easier way. She is 9, if the task is too enormous, just the sight of it will discourage her. Sometimes they have too many stuff in wardrobe and drawer and it is harder to put things away, or there are things too small, she doesn't like you can give to someone else.

Then tell her, all this shouting and screaming from everyone is not what you like and you would love to have a happy home, and you are going to put a challenge in place. Nobody, children and parents, will shout or scream and the reward will be a trip to McDonalds after 2 weeks. Overtime someone screams, the calendar clock starts again. Tell her you are limiting McDonalds, out of love for her, because it is junk food. You understands she loves it and it is formal as it was engineered for children to crave it and come back for more, but as a parent, you have to guide her.

My DS is 9 with ASD and ADHD. He puts his washing away.
BUT
If I give him a big pile of washing, it won't get done.
It needs to be separate piles with separate instructions.
Here are your socks/pants. Put them away in your drawer and come back here.
Here are your pj's....
Here are your short sleeved t-shirts. Put them on the short sleeves T-shirt pile.
Those are your trousers....
Etc.

I’m not an expert but it does seem like she has a lot of very dramatic tantrums for her age.
Just a thought, do you think that maybe deep down she’d like to spend more time with you? Like when you are actively engaged with doing stuff with her. If she responds so well to DH helping with cleaning her room, maybe it was because they spent time together. I don’t mean hours, only 10-15 minutes at a time throughout the day when you are not preoccupied and when you don’t tell her to do stuff. And maybe give her two choices : bring washing down tonight or tomorrow morning; go to McDonalds Friday after school or Saturday morning after swimming lesson etc. Rewards chart with all these promises written down might also help.

I know it’s easier said than done ...

It sounds like she is having a very difficult time with herself right now, I am sure she doesn’t even understand herself why she is behaving this way. Children usually do their best with the abilities they have. She might be completely exhausted just from coping getting through her day, especially if she feels herself she is a little bit different from her friends. With you she can be herself, and so you probably get her very worst... I don’t know..., got older teens myself and one of them was like yours. I wish now I had picked my battles more carefully, your relationship with your child is the most important thing. For now just give it a rest, put her washing away and help her have a tidy room (might equal tidy mind) so that she can use her energy for what she seems to need it for.

Your 9yo DD sounds like my 9yo DD. Mine has sensory processing issues. (We’ve seen CAMHS but they wouldn’t go ahead with an ASD diagnosis as she was “too good a communicator”.)

Anyway, as others have said, I’ve found that setting smaller tasks and managing expectations work well, as does helping her to get started, e.g. “I’ll help you put these clothes away”, then, when you’re 5 mins into it, say “okay, you do the rest and then we can do [something fun/nice]. My DD is quick to get upset, but angry at herself for getting upset. I handle it by staying calm (occasionally inwardly swearing) and, when she’s calm again, reminding her that it’s okay to get angry but not to get rude.

@FieldsOfLavender my 11yo DS sounds very, very similar to your daughter. Parenting him HAS to be different from his 2 NT brothers, for example if I picked him up on even 50% of the unwanted behaviours he displays then it would be awful for him (as well as the rest of the family) and so choosing battles is really important. As it is with all parenting but the choices/battles are different!

Does any of this resonate?
www.priorychildrensservices.co.uk/news-blogs/understanding-pathological-demand-avoidance-pda/

The usual rewards don't work with ds, sanctions dont either (as in eg I use screen time as a reward for good behaviours and restrict it for poor- he accepts this but doesn't seem to "learn" the lesson so nothing changes and the same behaviour trots out the next week. Sticker charts etc have absolutely no impact and never have, he just doesn't care about the usual rewards)

What has worked for me is be8jg more creative and finding the reward he is interested in to encourage better behaviour. He likes having adult attention and responsibility, and likes "active" solo stuff- hunting shooting fishing bushcraft etc. So the promise of one of these types of things, with smaller rewards of more one-on-one time with me eg (single parent) or being allowed to go to the shop on his own etc along the way to keep his enthusiasm, have helped a little.

I can hear in your posts how frustrating this is for you- hang in there, 9 was terrible for him too. Secondary school has helped massively, the change of lesson every hour or so works so much better for him than sitting in one room for the entire day with just one teacher.

Re: meltdowns, when I can see one coming (out of nowhere usually- I can't always predict what is going to trigger it!) I just back off straight away, let him calm down by himself and address the issue with a cuddle when the red mist has fully abated. I CANNOT reason with him when his reptilian brain is in control, and need to wait until the higher functions have restarted!

Feel your pain OP. Not sure my post is of much use but wanted to say you're not alone! X

I am 47 and have had clean clothes washing basket on kitchen floor for 3 days to be put away. I hate putting clothes away.....

With mine I never made a big thing of clothes at all. There were 4 of us so I had 4 "clean washing " baskets with names on. As clothes came off the line / out of the dryer I put them in the baskets. The baskets stayed right there in the laundry room. If the owner wanted to put things away , they did. If not, the clothes stayed in the laundry room and the owner knew to get their things out of the basket. No drama, no meltdowns. Peace reigned.

I know you have mentioned possible ASD but it did make me think of this too OP. My daughter is 11 and exactly the same: doesn't like being upstairs on her own, refuses to put things away and refuses to do jobs. My dd has Pathological Demand Avoidance with is part of ASD. My dd has to feel in control / charge otherwise cue the meltdowns. Look up PDA to see if anything looks familiar. If it is that they approach you take with jobs / tasks might be quite different.

Your daughter is being brought up to believe its acceptable to behave in this way. You're not doing her any favours by indulging her behaviour. And choose your battles. It's only washing. "If you speak to me like that, I wont be responding". Said once. Mean it.

Sometimes my daughter's room gets all a bit too much and untidy and horribly stressful. I used to battle and force her to tidy and spend the whole of Saturday really stressed etc...

Some people will think this is terrible but I now give her a bit of a hand sometimes and we do it together as a team.

I know that feeling when everything gets too much and just having someone there alongside you really helps. We achieve it together, chat along the way, and it doesn't take that long. Less stress all round. I work full time and I know my daughter craves my attention and time together so I choose to be facilitative and not fight and it has made a big difference.