Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DD is refusing to put away her washing and I am FED UP

61 replies

FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 17:42

She had a meltdown last night about the state of her room. I had asked her to do her teeth and jammies while I took Ds to a club. She hadn't so by the time I got back it was extremely late and she was beyond tired (think gremlins after midnight) So I said we can deal with it tomorrow. Cue a tirade of nastiness. I walked away and then DH helped her tody the room (annoying!) on the condition she put her basket of washing away this afternoon after school. And he also said no screens until it is done.

So this afternoon there have been no screens, but also no washing put away. She has been nasty and rude. And is currently rolling around on the floor upstairs telling me that she hates people in the family that are called by a nickname starting with M. And that she wants a nice one that doesn't make her do her washing.

I am SO sick of the crap she gives me when I ask her to do the smallest things.

I need to go downstairs and do dinner which means she will come down and the washing STILL won't get done. (Which is probably her plan as she is apparently waiting until DH gets in so he helps her!) (as an explanation, she won't be upstairs - or downstairs - without an adult. She is 9)

Seriously, how hard is it to put away her washing?!? We had the EXACT same scenario last weekend. I then asked her to put it away while I was working, so she had all of Saturday and Sunday to do so. Was it done? NO.

Sorry, just needed to get it all out.

OP posts:
speakout · 18/10/2019 18:25

I don't see the issue.

Clean pile in basket just inside door of bedroom.

Close door.

All fixed.

Don't sweat the small stuff.
If at 15 she is coming home on the back of a motorbike of her 29 year boyfriend then take attention.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:27

She is nine.

I have offered to do it together. I tried the let's see who can do x faster. I have tried making it a game. We cant do timers as it sends her into a wheel spin.

re games - for ages bedtime was a nightmare until I got the toys to put her to bed instead by making them talk to her. We don;t need to do that much anymore but sometimes go back to it if it is getting antsy.

DH is home now and he has said she needs to do it herself and he won't help so thats a relief.

I may try hiding one of the toys in the basket to see if she will find him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:29

She has a basket - that is what she is refusing to tidy up. I would ignore it - I do to a certain extent with the teens, but she has a meltdown if she can't find something and moves the basket to our room and then digs through it and spreads it all over our floor and refuses to clean it up. Then I throw it back in the basket just so I can walk across my floor and put it back in her room. rinse and repeat.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Knittedfairies · 18/10/2019 18:31

You do need to pick your battles OP. I think you need to break down the tasks for her; perhaps just putting away her socks to start with, and then underwear the next session for example.
I used to butt heads with my daughter over the heaps of clean washing/mess in her room until I declared her room to be a sovereign state that I was never visiting. Her clothes were left outside the door, as was clean bed linen. (We're redecorating the hall, stairs and landing this week and my husband asked why there was a hook on the outside of the door that was her bedroom when she lived at home; it was the hook to hold next week's clean uniform...). If her clothes were not in the washing basket, they didn't get washed; she almost had to wear - shock horror - socks once as every pair of black tights was on the bedroom floor, unwashed. I suggested hand-washing a pair for the next day, which she did with much grumping and huffing. She was a few years older than your 9 year old though... Courage, mon brave!

speakout · 18/10/2019 18:32

OP you are making this parenting lark far harder than need be.

If things have come down to nitpicking then your relationship is starting to suffer.

I have never punishes. Ever.

Focus on good stuff, mutual respect and the things that really matter.

Collision · 18/10/2019 18:33

I’m not sure it’s worth the battle on a Friday night.

I think I would put it away and then ask her to help with dinner so you can chat together.

Tweetingmagpie · 18/10/2019 18:37

She’s a child, make her put it away Confused

Tweetingmagpie · 18/10/2019 18:38

Making things into a game and hiding eh Troy’s is ridiculous, she’s 9 and she k own exactly what she’s doing, for God’s sake sometimes mumsnet is just mad.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:39

It isn't nitpicking. I know it sounds like a small thing. FGS it IS a small thing, it is just a basket of washing. But it is the fact that this will lead to a nightmare bedtime as she has a meltdown about her room at night. Which is now tidy as DH did it but she will want her whole bedroom rearranged which we just cannot do! The smallest things set her off for hours. it is exhausting.

OP posts:
woodhill · 18/10/2019 18:40

I think you should shut the door. Buy another wash basket. My ds still doesn't put his washing away and he's 22.,
At least the wash basket keeps it clean and I know it will get done eventually.

I know the mess is annoying. I've had years' of it but I think now sweat the small stuff and chose your battles in all honesty. Shut the door

speakout · 18/10/2019 18:40

If you are butting heads like this now OP, you better buckle up for the teenage years.

woodhill · 18/10/2019 18:41

And dh shouldn't have to do it.

Teacakeandalatte · 18/10/2019 18:41

OP you say she is 'on the spectrum' what does that mean exactly? Does she have a diagnosis of ASD? Does she get extra help at school? If so she may need different parenting than a NT 9 year old.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/10/2019 18:43

I have two late teens and people on here have said I am a terrible mother because once they hit their teens I didn’t clean their room.

Their clothes are put on their beds and tidying hoovering and cleaning is left up to them.

Could you just leave it all in the washing basket and leave her to it.

My two are ADHD and ADD so i was exhausted with their antics. I got to the point of doing what was easiest rather than getting bogged down in a war of wills.

Anothernotherone · 18/10/2019 18:44

I think you need to communicate more clearly and promptly with DH about her, even if for the moment it means WhatsApps from within the same house or when one of you is at work.Talk to him first and be clear that you need to start real time updates on what each of you has said to DD so as not to undermine one another.

I'd just dump the washing basket in her room - that's what I do with my 8 year old (used to help him when he was 5-6, he was perfectly capable from 7.

We have a clean washing basket each and it has to be returned to the utility room if they want anything else washed.

One of my kids tried to put clean washing back in the dirty and I ranted him into submission going on and on about how much electricity that wastes, how much laundry I have to do and the minutiae of exactly what each load involves and how long it takes, and suggested that if it happened again he'd be taking over laundry duties for the entire family for the next week, and he hasn't done it since and does s load himself once in a while, but your DD probably isn't that easy!

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 18:45

Yes she gets help at school. They have made social adjustments for her, timetables etc. No formal dx as we have just moved schools and the previous school were shit. New school is much better and helping. The waitlist is around two to three years long. I use ASD type stuff - schedules timetables, now and next etc and do make allowances - as I said one of the teens is dx. He was more violent though and she is more emotional. ( I am also on the spectrum and this emotional stuff really gets to me and upsets me!)

OP posts:
BobTheDuvet · 18/10/2019 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly · 18/10/2019 19:05

How much freedom does she have? Are you controlling quite a lot of things?

Maybe ask her to do things in stages. Eg put the socks away, I’ll do the rest. Things like that. Ease off a bit.

My 10 year old is quite tired and weepy at the moment, he finds school incredibly draining with all the rules and listening etc

artistformerlyknownasvince · 18/10/2019 19:11

I have a tantrum prone, very emotional 8 yr old dd. She does have SN so I parent her in a different way to my NT children. If I know that certain things are likely to trigger a meltdown/reaction , I will try to plan ahead to make things easier for her (and myself!) I would love for her to do as she is asked when she is asked, but it just doesn’t work that way with her. I always try to have a subtle incentive up my sleeve - “If we get your reading done quickly, you’ll have ten minutes on your game before we eat” ...etc. This makes it much easier for her to cooperate. If your dd has a mental block about putting her washing away, say something like “I tell you what - let’s do it quickly together .... and then we’ll have time to ..... or ..... and then you can help me with mine later!” Be light hearted and playful and try to get her back on side.

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 19:16

The toys have worked. We are just down to the socks and undies. Literally all I did was put a toy under a layer and say they were hiding. when she found it, we swapped out the toy.

she has a lot of freedom. She can walk down to her friends house down the street, choose her clothes, entertainment, makes snacks if she wants to, using the cooker or donut maker or toaster or oven or whatever. She can go to the park with her friend from down the road if they want to. (her friend is also on the dx pathway. ) She happily makes slime . We take her to the shops each weekend to spend her money on whatever she wants. Al lfairly appropriate for her age I would think?

Chores are just to tidy her room, put away her clothes, put out the compost and tidy after herself. We didnt want to give her anything much else to reduce the demands as mentioned. She will happily feed the dog if asked but again, didn't want to make this one of her chores as such. The teens think it is unfair they have to help with the dishwasher but she really can't do that! So we do try and make allowances.

OP posts:
Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 19:22

TBF I feel bad for my NT teen as he has had to adapt so much to the others! When he was young, the older one was difficult. Now he is older, the younger one is! We make sure he has outside activities that are just for him though and he has time apart from it all :)

Ds is mostly ok now - he can be reasoned with and understands much more now. He has his routine and we tend not to clash much now other than the normal teen stuff - but he is very rule-oriented now as well, so we don't have the dramas of drugs and drink (fingers crossed it stays that way!) He does clash with DD though as they are so different. Hmm

OP posts:
Thehouseintheforest · 18/10/2019 19:23

LolaSmiles has it spot on !!

Don't do it = natural consequences.

I started at 8.. pack lunch, washing etc.. now 24, 22 and 17 and fully competent adults who hoover without being asked. WE (as a household) are a team. !

Original poster
FieldsOfLavender · 18/10/2019 19:25

OMG the washing is done!!

TBF I know I can get through this - it is just so hard at the time. I got DS through, so I know I can do it with DD.

Thanks for letting me vent!

OP posts:
pelirocco123 · 18/10/2019 19:29

Cut down to the minimum amount of outfits she needs to fit in with your washing routine
Change out of uniform into play clothes each night to get more wear out of uniform. As she wont be going anywhere to get dirty those clothes can be worn all week .change under where and bath every night she wont smell..

mankyfourthtoe · 18/10/2019 19:29

I think we used to do stuff together. I'd pick it off the pike give it her and she'd choose where to hang it.
I'm fairly sure she couldn't have coped without support at that age.
However now her room is tidier than mine so there's something to look forward to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread