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Original poster

I can't congratulate her.

71 replies

LilyJade · 17/10/2019 20:34

One of my friends who I don't see very often shared an obviously pregnant photo of herself on Facebook today.
I should congratulate her. I am glad for her. She is 39, no other DC & newly married, it's come as a happy surprise for her.
But I can't.
I feel sick with envy.

Im 43. I'm childless & single. I can't care for a baby alone as I have serious MH problems & can't adopt or foster. I don't want to work with children as it would hurt me too much. I probably won't have nieces or nephews.

I want to congratulate my pregnant friend but it sticks in my throat. I've congratulated & congratulated other women now I can't any more. I know it means I'm a cow.
When I joined Mumsnet I thought I would soon become a mum too.

I even saw a peri natal psychiatrist who said I should stay on my meds if I get pregnant (which could cause the baby to have heart defects) & should be in a stable relationship (ha ha). Oh and I would probably get pre or post natal depression & psychosis anyway.

I used to think I would kill myself if I couldn't have a baby but I don't want to do that anymore. I just feel a sadness underlying everything that won't go away. My psychiatrist knows how I feel.

Please don't suggest hobbies, travel etc etc I do what I can of all that but it does not replace having your own family.

OP posts:
ConfCall · 17/10/2019 20:37

I’m so sorry and no way am I going to suggest hobbies or travel. I know that well-meaning people do that, but it’s crass.

I’d suggest commenting positively on the pic and then coming off Facebook for a little while. And keep up with the appointments. Good luck.

WearinginMyBoots · 17/10/2019 20:43

You are not a cow. You've been so bloody unlucky and it's not fair. It's okay to take some time to grieve and mourn.

I'm currently buying the tshirt after doing it too many times myself

I'm so sorry.

Pinkblueberry · 17/10/2019 20:50

I agree with pp. Despite what you think, sending your congratulations will probably make you feel better - I think if you just go ahead and say ‘congrats’ then you can maybe move on, rather than thinking about it constantly while doing nothing and being stuck in a rut about it. I think coming off Facebook is also a really good idea - when we’re not feeling our best social media showing us how great others are doing isn’t helpful, and I think that goes for anyone never mind when you actually have difficult mental health issues. I agree having a family if that’s what you really wanted cannot be replaced - but I do think happiness is still very much available to you. I hope you find it OP Flowers

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Original poster
LilyJade · 17/10/2019 20:52

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
PrincessRaven · 17/10/2019 20:55

You are really not a cow on any way at all xx what you are feeling is so normal, you're grieving and it's ok to feel like this.

Keep talking here, dont comment on her facebook - we're here Flowers

Chivers53 · 17/10/2019 20:57

OP it doesn't make you a cow, at all. Block her Facebook if it helps, you need to think of you and what's best. Flowers

Venger · 17/10/2019 20:57

One of the hardest things to experience and try to overcome is your life taking an entirely different path to the one you envisioned for yourself, you dont need to apologise or feel bad for being sad about that.

I agree with PP that you should send a brief "congratulations"/"lovely news" and then either hide/unfollow her posts or come of FB for a bit would be a wise course.

I also hope you find some peace and happiness Flowers

heykarumba · 17/10/2019 20:57

Say congratulations. I get it , I do. But dulling her shine won't make you shine any brighter - they are unrelated.

EssentialHummus · 17/10/2019 20:58

Oh op, you’re fine to grieve and be angry. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, it is very tough Flowers.

ClementineWardobe · 17/10/2019 21:00

It's rotten OP and I'm so so sorry to hear you're going through this. I've no advice, just sending you loads of love across that t'internet.

Wilmalovescake · 17/10/2019 21:03

If you can’t, just don’t. Hide her for a few days and if you find yourself momentarily feeling stronger, quickly bring her post up, congratulate her then hide her again.

WearinginMyBoots · 17/10/2019 21:08

The only 'good' thing about FB is that it gives you time to grieve in your own home. If you're likely to run into anyone in public, you have to put on your brave face.

Just something to consider.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2019 21:13

You are not a cow. Not in any way. You are suffering with terrible pain and disappointment. I haven't experienced what you have, but I do know that harbouring such misplaced resentment is only making your suffering and mental health worse. Envy, bitterness and resentment are a cancer that will eat you alive.

partysong · 17/10/2019 21:18

You don't have to congratulate her. You don't. Fuck it, be angry. That's ok. You matter. Your pain matters. Social niceties matter less.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 17/10/2019 21:20

Your pain comes through your post so clearly. I am sorry you feel so bad, have been dealt such a horrible hand. [Flowers]

Perhaps a while away from FB is called for. You need to protect yourself from all of the pain that you can.

purplepalace · 17/10/2019 21:22

You aren't a cow at all. Be kind to yourself first, you sound amazing and honest and real. Give yourself a break love, your feelings are completely justified Thanks

HeyNotInMyName · 17/10/2019 21:24

I agree. This doesn’t make you a cow. It makes you a human. One that has been going through the mill and is grieving for a family, a relationship and a child.

Don’t be harsh on you. You don’t deserve it. Think about what you would tell a good friend of yours if she was in the same situation. And tell that to yourself. You deserve the same care and kindness from yourself than you wouod give to someone else.

Asta19 · 17/10/2019 21:31

You’re not a cow. I agree with pp’s, come off FB for a while. I’ve struggled with my MH and one of the best things I ever did for myself was to stop pretending. Like pretending I’m ok when I’m not, just to save others from feeling awkward. Pretending to care about other people’s lives and be there for them, when I actually couldn’t cope with my own! It’s made me a lot more insular but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I am taking care of me and that’s what I need to do right now. Sometimes you need to shut the world out and focus on yourself. We’re conditioned to think it’s selfish and unkind to be that way, but that’s exactly why so many of us struggle.

Babybel90 · 17/10/2019 21:32

I can totally understand where you’re coming from, how good a friend is she? if you don’t see her often and she hasn’t told you individually then she may not notice that haven’t congratulated her anyway.

You should concentrate on yourself, that’s what’s important.

thisisthend · 17/10/2019 21:32

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Elieza · 17/10/2019 21:33

It depends on if you want to speak to this woman again. I would imagine if you block her or ignore her she will not be wanting to speak to you as her feelings will be hurt. It’s not her fault you can’t have a baby.

Sometimes we have to be diplomatic to get calm outcomes. A quick “congrats, happy news!” on the post will keep her friendly with you and obey social convention. Then you can forget about it for a bit.

If however you never want to speak to her again then block or ignore the post as you prefer. It’s your choice.

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It is sad you can’t have the baby you would love to have.

Realistically as you said yourself, you have congratulated loads of people, probably with your heart breaking, and there will be loads more. The world keeps turning.

If you could find a good coping strategy you could employ each time you are in a difficult situation it would help. My life is full of coping strategies! Works for me.

Maggie272 · 17/10/2019 21:34

Dear @LilyJade

Time and support are the only things that will help, in my experience so far. Also, come off social media. I did, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. When you suffer from MH problems, it can only make you feel more isolated.

M x

Honeyroar · 17/10/2019 21:35

Ive been where you are, I couldn't have children, and it hurt like a knife in my heart every time one of my friends got pregnant. But it's not their fault and it's not fair to possibly hurt them by not congratulating them. Cry in private, but swallow the hurt and say congratulations.

Pringlesfortea · 17/10/2019 21:37

That’s shit op .
Sometimes life just is shit and unfair ,and makes no sense .
Sometimes it’s enough to just be able to keep going ,and not give up/ give in to dark thoughts.
I hope you find some peace x

Maggie272 · 17/10/2019 21:37

@LilyJade, I agree with @thisisthend. While I would love a child, and we are undergoing fertility treatment, I know how hard having a kid is. I have a niece and a nephew...my sisters are not overjoyed, it's not what they thought it was going to be. Women are sold this idea, our bodies and hormones tell us that we must have a child or we've failed. That's just BS. I'm not trying to minimise your disappointment - we've had two miscarraiges this year and it hurt like hell. But I keep reminding myself that I will be ok xxx

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