I can't congratulate her.

[LilyJade]

One of my friends who I don't see very often shared an obviously pregnant photo of herself on Facebook today.
I should congratulate her. I am glad for her. She is 39, no other DC & newly married, it's come as a happy surprise for her.
But I can't.
I feel sick with envy.

Im 43. I'm childless & single. I can't care for a baby alone as I have serious MH problems & can't adopt or foster. I don't want to work with children as it would hurt me too much. I probably won't have nieces or nephews.

I want to congratulate my pregnant friend but it sticks in my throat. I've congratulated & congratulated other women now I can't any more. I know it means I'm a cow.
When I joined Mumsnet I thought I would soon become a mum too.

I even saw a peri natal psychiatrist who said I should stay on my meds if I get pregnant (which could cause the baby to have heart defects) & should be in a stable relationship (ha ha). Oh and I would probably get pre or post natal depression & psychosis anyway.

I used to think I would kill myself if I couldn't have a baby but I don't want to do that anymore. I just feel a sadness underlying everything that won't go away. My psychiatrist knows how I feel.

Please don't suggest hobbies, travel etc etc I do what I can of all that but it does not replace having your own family.

Oh OP you are NOT a cow. Life is just bloody unfair at times and nothing anyone can say can make it feel ok. I think you need to give yourself permission to feel all the things you feel. I’m nearly 60 and have seen so many truly shit things happen to so many members of my family and friends. There’s a lot of pressure to come to terms with things, to move on, to not focus on the negative, but honestly I believe it’s natural and absolutely ok to feel fucking angry and sad about some things and just hope to be able to carry these feelings about with you a bit easier over time. Look after yourself and don’t feel bad about your reaction to this news.

@thisisthend oh, you’re one of “those” people. This is not the thread for you.

It doesn’t make you a cow. I’m sorry you are having it so hard.

About ten years ago, I remember a colleague bringing her young baby into the office. Everyone ran to hold the baby and I was completely unable to bring myself to greet the baby. I had had a miscarriage a few weeks before but hadn’t told anyone. I’m sure they thought I was really rude but I was literally blinking back tears.

Sometimes we have to do what is best for ourselves at the time.

Dear @LilyJade please don’t think of yourself as a cow at all, you aren’t, you’re just human. I have felt a tiny bit of what you feel and it’s absolute torture. My heart goes out to you.

Like other posters have said, say a quick congratulations then unfollow. If she’s a proper friend she’ll understand.

for you

@thisisthend you clearly no absolutely nothing about mental health. Please go away and revise your silly ideas.

Really sorry OP that you're feeling like this. I've been there. It's bloody hard, and so infuriating when well-meaning people say things like "Your turn next!"

I have recently taken a massive step back from social media and concentrated more on forging more meaningful relationships rather than posting all my crap in public. I still share photos of my pets! But in terms of emotional connections I concentrate on talking to close friends/family members and "special interest" groups (e.g. infertility, bereavement, chronic illness - things where it really helps to be talking to people who know the score.)

Take care of yourself and think about taking a SM break for now

Congratulations I’m so happy for you!
If you send a short message like that and then step away, you will feel better that you’ve dealt with it. Otherwise it will stay with you and make you feel even worse.
The great thing about social media is she won’t know what you’re thinking

Lilly, your feelings are completely valid and understandable, this must be painful for you, I'm so sorry

If she knows you and your situation she will understand. I used to cry nearly every time one of my friends announced they were pregnant, as had been desperately trying for years. Now we've got a child and a close friend was unable to hold him as a baby as she found it too painful. She's been very apologetic but i get it. I don't mind and i wouldn't expect congratulations from certain friends- i know their stories and understand. Maybe she'll understand you stepping back for a bit. But like pp have said, it might make you feel better to offer a quick congratulations when you're feeling up to it.
You're not a cow. It's extremely unfair.

If she’s a close friend she’ll understand why you haven’t congratulated her and if she isn’t she won’t notice/care.

I’m so sorry for all you’re going through

I think a baby through fertility treatment would improve your quality of life and you're likely more capable of raising a child than you think. This stable relationship thing?? Nonsense - it's a bonus and a gift if you do get into a stable relationship but not a necessity!!

I meant more capable of raising a child alone!!! than you think. Personally my advice would be try and strive to be your very best self - I really hope good unexpected things happen to you. They did to me from a previously very dark place and I want to share the love ❤️

Charley1988 do you have diagnosed infertility? Because you're talking like some smug twat who hasn't.

I meant more capable of raising a child alone!!! than you think. Personally my advice would be try and strive to be your very best self - I really hope good unexpected things happen to you. They did to me from a previously very dark place and I want to share the love ❤️

And should the OP just not take the medication she needs but that also causes birth defects? I utterly despair of the “living your best life” bullshit. Sometimes your “very best self” is a hurting, grieving, angry mess - it’s entirely appropriate for someone in the OPs situation to be feeling sore, and sad and disappointed.

She has been told by professionals who know her condition that parenting for her really needs to be in the context of a secure relationship. Fertility treatment is far from a walk in the park, pregnancy can be a huge challenge (and there’s the question of those meds), and parenting is a challenge however you paint it. Being your “very best self” means looking your limitations square in the face and finding a place of acceptance.

OP, do whatever you need to do to get through. If you can’t offer congratulations just don’t - if she’s a friend she’ll get it. Most of all take care of yourself.

Sorry I didn't take the meds issue into account. Hope you end up getting s good outcome from this x

Jesus wept, why don't some people RTFT! Charley, she's already stated she cannot bring up a child alone as she has serious MH issues, she's 43 so probably cannot use her own eggs during fertility treatment, she takes medications that results in damage to a foetus and having serious MH conditions is more than about 'being your best self'. Fucking hell, how dense and unhelpful!

Hi I still haven't congratulated my friend but I feel more able to at present so I may message her later.
I was very low last night & nearly called the crisis team but fell asleep instead!! & my lovely cat came & cuddled up next to me.

Pets in no way replace having your own children but I've found my cat to be a good comfort also good in that I have to get up & feed her & clean her tray even if I do nothing else.

Another thing I didn't say, I'm on anti psychotics which I can't stop & the peri natal psychiatrist said that any baby of mine would have to be in hospital for about 3 weeks after the birth to be weaned off the anti psychotics as the baby gets addicted to it in the womb? Like a junkie's baby. I'm just not sure I could be that cruel to a baby.

Got work tomorrow & that's another thing, all my colleagues talk about is their children or grandchildren to me or around me which I totally understand as they are in love with them but it gets painful to listen to.

Thoughts to those in a similar situation x

You wouldn't believe the amount of women out there, that think the same as you. You're honestly not alone. I wouldn't feel bad about it, I think it's pretty much a social nicety, saying oh congratulations.

I just hope you feel better.

I've actually asked the MH team for therapy to help me accept the situation but they don't offer counselling as such or psychotherapy for my MH illness, I did have group therapy with psychologists which was supposed to help me to be more compassionate to myself... it helped with some less serious situations.

I'm considering counselling through the Care First organisation who help NHS staff, has anyone got experience with them??

Maybe think of being child free as a postive decision you made rather than something foisted on you. As someone who is mentally pretty tough the guilt, stress and anxiety of having children is relentless. Everything from what you feed them to raising your voice to seeing them have accidents, is horrendous Every single thing you do and say has an impact on them and if you already have MH issues I’d say you’d feel even worse.
On the other hand I’m sure that somewhere out there is an adult human who will make you feel amazing. Love is the answer. You don’t need to feel guilt or anxiety in an grown up relationship.

Maybe think of being child free as a postive decision you made rather than something foisted on you. As someone who is mentally pretty tough the guilt, stress and anxiety of having children is relentless. Everything from what you feed them to raising your voice to seeing them have accidents, is horrendous Every single thing you do and say has an impact on them and if you already have MH issues I’d say you’d feel even worse.

I think the OP knows that children can be hard work but "there there, it's so hard being a parent, see it as a positive thing that you don't have to deal it..." isn't really helpful is it?

DH and I had fertility problems and a woman at work with three children would often tell me I was so lucky because I could sleep late at weekends with no kids up at all hours and I could go out whenever and wherever I wanted because I had no babysitters to consider and I should think of all the money I could spend on myself without kids needing shoes, coats, and food. She meant well but I have never wanted to punch someone in the face as much as I wanted to punch her.

"Kids are hard work" is no consolation when you're trying to come to terms with never getting to experience that "hard work" for yourself.