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Original poster

Should I let him stay?

88 replies

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 12:49

Name changed as don't won't this thread to follow me around.

I'm a single mum to a 1 yearold boy. Younger brother is in prison as he assaulted someone whilst he was drunk. I've been visiting him and the last time he visits he asked if he can stay with me and son as our parents have said he cant stay with them. I've told him I'll think about it but he gets released this week and I don't know.

Advice please.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 13/10/2019 16:09

It sounds to me as though you're going to let him stay.

Play the movie to the end, OP. He'll stay with you. He won't give you any money. I'm assuming you can't afford that. He WILL go off drinking - you know that as well as we do. He will blame you if you complain. You won't be able to get rid of him because it'll be "Are you going to make your own brother homeless?"

Bite the bullet and refuse now, otherwise you will most certainly pay later.

ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere · 13/10/2019 16:12

No
You concentrate on your child
They made a hard decision about their child, they can worry about what his other options are
You should stay out

sanmiguel · 13/10/2019 16:17

Probation would need to agree the release address. I work in probation, if you want to talk, give me a shout.

Original poster

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 16:26

He said he would give me money when he got a job. My parents have said they have said no because he doesn't cook or help around the house etc. And because he won't give them money.

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/10/2019 16:28

We all make mistakes. He's got a chance to change, I'd give it to him. He's family.

Thehagonthehill · 13/10/2019 16:35

If you can afford the pay the increase in council tax and pay for all his food and increased bills because he will be in all day so higher heating bills and tidy up after him...He will find it hard to get a job so this may be long term.
Your parents have lived with him and don't want him back that would tell you something.
And he will drink because he will have the same mates and nothing else to do.
Is this someone you really want around your son?

Elieza · 13/10/2019 16:43

I agree with what @thehagonthehill said.

And:
He needs a life lesson. Treat people like a doormat without respect = they don’t want you around. Even your own parents!
He needs to learn that. If you let him stay with you and provide an easy option for him to do it to you too then it will just take him longer get to learn how to treat people. Which in turn will affect his future relationships etc. You think you are helping him but you are enabling him. He needs to man up. Plus do you really have time and energy to run around after another child, man sized? Or the money to feed his ungrateful ass?

Don’t let emotion rule your head. Good luck with whatever you decide.

FreyaMountstuart · 13/10/2019 17:27

You know the full details - if you really want to then go ahead.

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2019 17:30

I'll admit I don't always agree with you @Rachelover60 but I do with this

Why are you being so stand off-ish with your replies op ? You've hardly acknowledged anything

Take him in as that's what you're going to do, but be aware it'll go tits up and you'll get dragged into it as will your son

converseandjeans · 13/10/2019 17:39

No it's your parents responsibility. Maybe help him out with some pocket money, dinner etc but don't let him move in.

Original poster

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 17:59

I don't know if I'm going to let him stay. But if I don't I'm thinking of giving him some money to get some where to stay. But not sure if that's a bad idea.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2019 18:12

You know the best thing I think you could do right now OP? Get a list of numbers for hostels/shelter etc, lists of places he can seek support,guidance,and support him that way.
If he seeks help and proves himself then I'd possibly consider it
But as I said before, he's made his bed. I'd like to think if it was my younger brother, he'd appreciate the support and lesson I was showing him.

I honestly think,considering you have a child, that's the best thing you can do

Does that sound a good compromise?

I have 2 younger brothers and I understand, I'd do anything for them, but I also have a son and it's not down to me.

Good luck OP

DianaT1969 · 13/10/2019 18:41

Can you find him a room in a shared house nearby? I know it won't be easy without references, but you infer that this was a one-off out thing, so perhaps he has excellent work references and referees? You could pay the deposit and first month if you can afford it. Tell him that you can't risk involvement with SS by having him live with you at the moment.

Original poster

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 19:04

Thank you I'll do that.

Although he's called and I told him no as I have to put son first and he told me not to message him as he doesn't need me or our parents he will do it on his own.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 19:12

Although he's called and I told him no as I have to put son first and he told me not to message him as he doesn't need me or our parents he will do it on his own.

Wow. So leave him to it. Narrow escape. Can you imagine how difficult it would have been had you let him stay and he did something unacceptable with an attitude like his?

AutumnRose1 · 13/10/2019 19:16

Glad you said no

And glad also that he's prepared to go it alone.

DianaT1969 · 13/10/2019 19:31

Were you close before this happened? You aren't giving a sense of whether he is a good brother that you want to help.
Would he have helped you if the situation was reversed. Even though he is saying that, I would persevere in trying to help him get his life back. This family rift won't heal otherwise. I'm taking you at your word that it was a one-off incident when I say this. I'd hate to see my brother stranded without help.

Original poster

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 19:56

Yes he is a good brother. He probably would help me if it was reversed. I want to help him but I have to put son first and that's what I told him but he told me not to call/message him.

OP posts:

MitziK · 13/10/2019 20:05

He's hardly putting your son first if he's got all pouty about you saying you had to, is he?

Leave him to it. Don't give him money as he'll most likely take it straight down the pub on release, don't message him he'll message you first when he wants some money and you'll avoid all the complications and risk of having a violent ex offender who has issues with alcohol pitched up in your home at your expense.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/10/2019 20:16

How old is he?

‘Fuck you then, if you don’t care about me I’ll sort myself out’ is a pretty common reaction to being told that someone you thought would look out for you, won’t. What do you think you’d have said in his position?

Do you know what actually happened? How did he end up hurting someone so badly he ended up
In prison?

leomama81 · 13/10/2019 20:20

Do you know what actually happened? How did he end up hurting someone so badly he ended up
In prison?

This is pretty key to all this.

Grimbles · 13/10/2019 20:23

Persistence isnt always a virtue...

Original poster

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 20:23

He's 20. I probably would've said i understood and thanked him anyway if I was in his position. No i dont know exactly what happened but I know he got into a fight and then when someone tried to separate them and brother punched him aswell.

OP posts:

Doingtheboxerbeat · 13/10/2019 20:56

Op, yes I would. I have people in my life who have been to prison and I totally trust most of them and I have people in my life who have not been to prison I would cross the street /pretend to be on my mobile/jump in front of oncoming traffic to avoid them.
Nothing and no one is ever that black or white.

Original poster

Rawhimann · 14/10/2019 07:39

We were close before this happened and if I didn't have son I would let him stay. I still want to help him though.

OP posts:

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