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Original poster

Should I let him stay?

88 replies

Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 12:49

Name changed as don't won't this thread to follow me around.

I'm a single mum to a 1 yearold boy. Younger brother is in prison as he assaulted someone whilst he was drunk. I've been visiting him and the last time he visits he asked if he can stay with me and son as our parents have said he cant stay with them. I've told him I'll think about it but he gets released this week and I don't know.

Advice please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 14:46

He was giving them money as he had a job but when he gets released he won't have a job so won't be able to give them money. I think I would trust him to have son whilst I worked (although he wouldn't have to as he's in nursery). Sons dad isn't involved in his life. Brother said he won't drink again.

OP posts:
readingnc · 13/10/2019 14:52

Well he needs to know ASAP either way because his licence will need to be drawn up. If you say yes then it's very strict boundaries and the minute he breaks them he leaves.

AlwaysCheddar · 13/10/2019 14:54

To go to prison for a one off fight, even whilst drunk, must have been really bad! Are you sure he’s telling the truth?

SuperMeerkat · 13/10/2019 14:59

Tough one as I know i’d feel like you if it was my brother. However, you do have to put your child first. What if he brings round rowdy mates?

RainingFrogsAndHats · 13/10/2019 15:04

How well do you get on?

Jaffacakebeast · 13/10/2019 15:06

I would, if you have all the facts, he got into a fight drunk, never done anything like that b4 and won’t drink again I’d think he deserved a chance

sickofnickelodeon · 13/10/2019 15:09

Would you have to alter all your house/car insurances to declare him? May increase your premiums.

Foslady · 13/10/2019 15:12

You need to find out EXACTLY what happened, to have been sent down for this it must have been very serious.
And you can’t trust him not to drink, especially around your son

Original poster
Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 15:12

No he didn't assault a women. We get on quite well.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 15:14

I'd report you to SS in a heartbeat if I knew you were leaving a baby in the care of a violent ex-con. You are seriously naive and deluded. He's shown he's violent and there is nothing to stop him from drinking again once he's out. And if you try to get him out, well, if he doesn't want to go, again, he's in prison for a very violent offence.

He can claim UC if he doesn't have a job and give his folks digs money out of that, but instead he pleads I don't have a job as an excuse. They are probably fed up of him.

You would be VERY foolish to move with in with you and your baby.

Imtootired · 13/10/2019 15:21

I think you could put clear boundaries up and give him a chance. It’s really up to you but hopefully with a little bit of support he can turn his life around

timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 15:22

He needs professional support to turn his life around, not a free doss house with a baby in it.

Rainbowshine · 13/10/2019 15:30

It’s not your job to “rescue” him and if he needs accommodation on release he can ask his probation officer to help him sort it out. He’s an adult who has to live with the consequences of his behaviour, you are not responsible for that.

BeesKnees4 · 13/10/2019 15:36

I cannot believe the ridiculous comments on here.
Violent ex con, report to SS, check your household insurance!!
He’s not a serial killer, have none of you ever made a mistake? There’s people who’ve never done anything wrong before, could have been defending someone threw one punch and the person is badly injured.
Complete overreaction by the pearl clutches of MN.

Elieza · 13/10/2019 15:37

Contact parents and find out why they won’t take him back. That’s important.
If they believed he would stop drinking and that’s the only time he’s violent they would take him back with or without digs money. They are not taking him back. Find out why from them. Either he’s been violent more that you know, they don’t believe he will stop drinking, or he perhaps needs a life lesson and you ‘helping’ him may hinder that? Defo speak to your parents before even considering taking him in.

timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 15:42

have none of you ever made a mistake?

Yes. And oddly none of them landed me in prison and gave me a criminal record. You have to have committed one hell of an assault to wind up where he has. It's a violent offence, she has a young baby at home and this guy has proven he's violent.

MitziK · 13/10/2019 15:44

No. No. No.

And Social Services would probably be interested to know that you were putting your child in the care of a man with a violent criminal conviction, so serious that he has received a custodial sentence for his first offence, who obviously has some issues around alcohol.

He will be supported upon release to find accommodation, rather than living off the women in his family, get a job, rather than living off the women in his family and will have every opportunity to turn his life around when he has no choice but to engage fully, rather than hide behind the convenience of living off the women in his family.

Dandelion1993 · 13/10/2019 15:50

They all say they won't drink again but they do.

If you think someone who has been in prison for that crime is okay to look after your child then you're an idiot.

Original poster
Rawhimann · 13/10/2019 15:52

I wouldn't leave son in his care as I wouldn't have to. But if I did I would trust him and I know he wouldn't hurt son.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 13/10/2019 15:54

It sounds like you’ve already decided to have him.

timeforachange123 · 13/10/2019 15:54

Yes I would if I felt I could trust him not to drink. Only you know what he's like, none of us here do. Also lots of children live with people who have served sentences for crimes. Social services don't get involved unless children are at risk. He's served his sentence and it's extremely hard for ex cons to get accommodation and employment. However look carefully at how it will affect any benefits as it'll be seen as another adult living with you

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2019 15:56

I knew you'd already made your mind up from the begging and your replies

What was the point in asking then?

SparklyMagpie · 13/10/2019 15:57

*beginning

Rachelover60 · 13/10/2019 16:01

No, you can't be expected to do what your parents won't do and you have a baby to put first.

Try and find him a bedsitter, you've left it a bit late to turn him down but you can do that for him. Look online for local places, houseshare maybe. There are landlords who will take tenants on benefit. Then he needs to find a job.

Elieza · 13/10/2019 16:05

You “know” he wouldn’t hurt your son, but that’s only based on your own (perhaps limited these days) knowledge of him. Please speak with your parents first.

What you’ve seen him like and what he’s like at home nowadays may be totally different. It’s your child you need to put first. Speak to your parents.

Ps there are companies the prison service or social workers or something speak to that take on ex cons so he may get a job, which would be great for him. I have no objection to people being given a second chance at life once they have done their time. I am not being overly harsh. But there is A LOT more to this story that I’m not sure you are aware of. You need to know that stuff in order to make a decision based on facts. And then make an informed decision. Once you’ve spoken with your parents.

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