My friend sent me a message to say he wants to die what can I do?

[username578999]

One of my oldest friend has been for some years been quite ill with a mental illness . He has been on medication but I'm not sure if it's not working or he stops taking it as every now and again he will ring me saying he wants to die etc .
I've tried talking to him but usually he's been drinking. He will see the doctor be ok then the pattern will repeat . I've not heard from him since earlier this year he was ok not 100% but getting better .
The last I heard was a text to say he was back under the mental health.
This morning I had a text from him to say he wanted to die . I replied briefly to not send messages like that so he rang me , I didn't pick up.
I feel terrible but I honestly can't cope with hearing him again tell me how much he wants to die especially if I suspect he's been drinking. I have my dc in the house with me .
I'm angry with him for being so selfish but then I'm terrified that he will do something to himself. I suspect he won't as he has threatened this many many times . My dh says he won't and that he's selfish and that we have a lot going on and can't help someone who can't or won't help themselves.
I feel sad but I really don't want to speak to him but that I feel guilty .
I suppose I'm not looking for advice but if anyone else has experienced this sort of situation.

Yes but not as extreme- someone saying he was extremely miserable and saying he was homeless , unemployed etc. I ignored him - he send me an email after about a year and the general tone of it was that he was much happier. I refused to pander to him and it worked. I do sympathise with him though. When you're down it's EXTREMELY difficult to pull yourself out. But looking at it objectively it's not necessarily other people's problem

I would say I’m so sorry you feel so awful, please ring Samaritans now (with the number).

Thanks for the replies.
I felt quite sad this morning if it was the first, second or even the third time then I would help but this has gone on for years .
I've text to say contact the Samaritans with the number.

I've been there.

I didn't get invested.
They survived.

Sounds cold but I have terrible mental health myself and I'm like a sponge, I just soak up bad emotions and I can't be supportive to someone else when I'm ill myself.

Might also be worth telling him that he can text and email Samaritans, too.
He doesn't have to talk.

I personally couldn't ignore someone reaching out with suicidal thoughts. Could you possibly say that your are so sorry to hear the things haven't improved for him and that whilst you care, you are having a challenging time and can't support him. That there is Samaritans who will listen and offer support.

One of my oldest friend has been for some years been quite ill with a mental illness

No, you're no friend of his.

I'm sorry but threads like these annoy me, the selfishness and lack of understanding is hard to take.

All the advice given from professionals to anyone suffering from MH issues is to tell friends and family how you're feeling and to reach out for help.

However, people like you are too wrapped up in your own safe happy little life and marriage and treat the person like a nuisance.

Hopefully when this guy surrounds himself with the right people he will be able to recover.

Do you know where he is? Get the police to do a welfare check on him as you are concerned for his safety.

Maybe text to say you care and just don’t want to speak to him while he’s drinking but when he is sober, give you a call?
My sister had a 4am call in June from a friend who had been drinking and was about to commit suicide. She managed to talk him down and the police took him to hospital. Sadly he didn’t get the help he needed and was discharged after a couple of hours. He went back to the place he called my sister from in the early hours and it ended in tragedy. It isn’t always attention seeking or a cry for help. Sometimes it is a desperate plea for someone to give them a reason to live.

@CallMeRachel you obviously didn't read the part where I said it wasn't the first time .
I have many many times been there for him listen to him etc .
I have a lot going on obviously not as bad as my friend.
Thank you for your opinion anyway .

Yes been there
I was advised by mental health services to tell her that I was very sorry to hear she was feeling so bad right now. I was now going to call the police and let them know. I did call the police, they attended and friend said she was fine, I'd taken it all out of proportion and was making a drama out of nothing. The police fed back to me and the friend never called me again with this. This was happening regularly up to that time and this was around 5 years ago. She's still alive

Get the police to do a welfare check. Your tone isn’t very nice.

@CallMeRachel I agree with you. We get told to reach out to our friends when they need us. A friend would be there, even if not in person.
I would never want to take the risk of not talking to them and have that guilt hanging over me. My sister has struggled since that day because she was the very last friend he spoke to. She feels she didn’t do enough and has suffered depression since. That’s a friend. That’s someone who cared about a friend in need.

@Sleepyhead19
God I must have said that a million times ring me when you sober .
The sober phone call never arrived not even a text to say I'm ok .
It's only when he's drunk this morning it was 9am other times it's been 4pm on a Tuesday afternoon when I'm in work , 7pm when I'm getting my ds in the bath. It's mentally exhausting I know its terrible for his family too .
I'm going to send a message to his family too .

I’d have thought the best thing you could do is talk to him and offer him your support. Ignoring him definitely won’t help, it could even make it feel worse. That said I understand it’s hard supporting someone through a mental health crisis and sometimes you have to step back, but it’s very telling that you think he’s just being ‘selfish.’ That’s not how being suicidal works, suicide doesn’t feel like a selfish act when everything is telling you all you are is a burden and disappointment and waste of space. When it feels like everybody would be better off without you suicide suddenly seems like a very selfless and obvious solution.

If you don’t have the energy or inclination to help him do you have any mutual friends who you could contact and ask somebody who does care to get in touch with him?

I'm with CallMeRachel, you're not a friend. No decent person calls suicidal thoughts selfish.

Thankfully the Samaritans will be far less judgemental.

you obviously didn't read the part where I said it wasn't the first time .
I have many many times been there for him listen to him etc .
I have a lot going on obviously not as bad as my friend.

Yes I read it, I didn't realise suicidal friends should only get one or two chances to reach out.
He's either your friend or not. Make your mind up. Feeling like your on the outside of life clinging on to hearing hope from the last people you believe are your friends is not fun.

Be kind, always.

You sound concerned about your friend. If this thread was in relationships and this was a partner or ex partner you would be told: you’re not responsible for anyone else’s mental health, it’s manipulation. Not sure why the responses are so different as it is a friend. Agree signpost to Samaritans, CALM or ask police to do a welfare check. You have to consider the welfare of you and your family too.

OP I'm with you, you can't do this shit indefinitely no matter what the bleeding hearts think.

Tell him you're sending the police to do a welfare check and contacting his family. You don't have to do any more than that. Year in and out dealing with a drunk person sucks you dry. You don't have to do it.

Definitely not a couple of times . This has been going on for YEARS . Each and every time I really have hoped he may have listened and got help . It's when he stops taking his medication and drinks which he's been told by doctors not to . I'm sorry he is selfish he's selfish for phoning me at all times he's selfish for not once in all these years has he not asked me how things with me and I've had a lot going on .
The amount of times I've been so worried after him I've spoken to him that he may harm himself. The drinking is killing him he's so ill and of course it's not his fault . He lives with his dad who I feel so sorry for , it must be terrible for him and the family.
I've made contact with his dad and he's sleeping .

I get that he's ill but those who think that I should carry on letting him ring me at all times are a better person than me . Everyone has a limit and I have reached mine , after several years and hundreds of phone calls I can't take any more .

YANBU op, it is mentallly exhausting supporting someone who won't help themselves.

I think those posters saying you're not a true friend are being harsh- you have tried multiple times to help him, he has a family he can lean on and you need to protect your own mental health.

There is nothing wrong in not being able to support someone who is struggling with their mental health when it's at the detriment of your own.

You could simply say ‘I’m sorry you are feeling so bad, do you want me to call someone for you?’

So you are neither ignoring nor engaging but offering to connect them with some help.

All the advice given from professionals to anyone suffering from MH issues is to tell friends and family how you're feeling and to reach out for help.

Of course, but in my experience, the ones who are serious about suicide are the ones who say nothing. Which is doubly tragic.

StCharlotte I agree that if someone is seriously set on ending their lives they tend not to tell anyone they’re going to do it. If you really want to the last thing you want is someone trying to stop you.

@StCharlotte that's true for friends and family, but I would imagine that Samaritans would disagree. Lots of people call/text/email them to share their suicide plans and are serious about doing it.