My friend sent me a message to say he wants to die what can I do?

[username578999]

One of my oldest friend has been for some years been quite ill with a mental illness . He has been on medication but I'm not sure if it's not working or he stops taking it as every now and again he will ring me saying he wants to die etc .
I've tried talking to him but usually he's been drinking. He will see the doctor be ok then the pattern will repeat . I've not heard from him since earlier this year he was ok not 100% but getting better .
The last I heard was a text to say he was back under the mental health.
This morning I had a text from him to say he wanted to die . I replied briefly to not send messages like that so he rang me , I didn't pick up.
I feel terrible but I honestly can't cope with hearing him again tell me how much he wants to die especially if I suspect he's been drinking. I have my dc in the house with me .
I'm angry with him for being so selfish but then I'm terrified that he will do something to himself. I suspect he won't as he has threatened this many many times . My dh says he won't and that he's selfish and that we have a lot going on and can't help someone who can't or won't help themselves.
I feel sad but I really don't want to speak to him but that I feel guilty .
I suppose I'm not looking for advice but if anyone else has experienced this sort of situation.

I do agree with @StCharlotte but I still worry .
I really believe he doesn't want to live it's part of his mental illness. We have talked at great length in the past many times that so many people care for him but he can't believe that .
It's very sad .

If he's pissed at 9am or a Tuesday afternoon, bollocks to tone. You did the right thing - protecting yourself - because, as an alcoholic, he will bleed you dry if he has the opportunity to do so.

Just to say you can advise him to contact SHOUT, a free crisis text service available to anyone in the UK. They can support him via text and signpost him to further help, as well as risk assessing :)

Wow there's some lovely people on here. One day this could be you and people might not be there for you.

Oh my goodness. He's your friend, even if he's not serious or is actually just crying out for help, what does is matter?

He's clearly not well.

A friend of mine had a breakdown when I had a newborn baby, they stayed with me and I helped them through. It was very difficult / but he was ill and needed me.

You need to be able to be say to yourself that you tried to help as much as you could.

I'm disappointed in this thread.

There's obviously still a firmly held belief that people who communicate suicidal thoughts aren't serious. It's only the ones who stay silent about it that are genuine.

It's incredibly sad.

Some on here are being really fucking harsh. We are not all trained mental health professionals. op cares enough to have come on a public forum asking for advice on what to do, because there's not so much more she can do as this is something that has constantly happened. Hand it over to the police op. Put together a list of mental health contact details and numbers (such as; www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/, Who can I contact?To talk about anything that is upsetting you,you can contactSamaritans24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone), [email protected] some branches in person. You can also call the Welsh Language Line on 0300 123 3011 (7pm–11pm every day).If you're experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else,you can callSANElineon 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).If you're under 25,you can call The Mix on 0808 808 4994 (Sunday-Friday 2pm–11pm), request support by emailusing this form on The Mix websiteoruse their crisis text messenger service.If you're under 35 and struggling with suicidal feelings, or concerned about a young person who might be struggling,you can callPapyrus HOPELINEUKon 0800 068 4141 (weekdays 10am-10pm, weekends 2pm-10pm and bank holidays 2pm–10pm), [email protected] text 07786 209 697.If you identify as male,you can callthe Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) or use theirwebchat service.If you're a student,you can look on theNightline websiteto see if your university or college offers a night-time listening service. Nightline phone operators are all students too.If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender,you can callSwitchboardon 0300 330 0630 (10am–10pm every day), [email protected] use theirwebchat service. Phone operators all identify as LGBT+.If you live in Wales,you can callthe Community Advice and Listening Line (C.A.L.L).on 0800 132 737 (open 24/7) or you can text 'help' followed by a question to 81066.For more options,visitthe Helplines Partnershipwebsite for a directory of UK helplines.Mind’s Infolinecan also help you find services that can support you. If you're outside the UK,befrienders.orglists emotional support helplines around the world)

You can't always just drop the kid's in order to talk someone down from a depressive episode. But you can still answer the phone, or.message and send a list of numbers they can call. We can't always be there that second to pick up. But we can let them know how to find help themselves. Try and be there for him when you can, but also direct him to professional help and advice so he knows he has other people he can go to in a crisis.

I think some people on here are being awful.

Yes, I’m an ideal world Everyone would drop everything to support a friend in need. Then again. And again. And again. But then soon you’ve become their ‘go to person’. They rely on you. And so they keep coming to you.

You start off feeling so upset for them; and then pleased you’ve Been able to help Them. Then as they keep coming to you the worry sets in - will this be the night you say the wrong thing?

And soon it’s all consuming - you feel sucked into this constant cycle of fear, worry and guilt.

At some point for the sake of your own mental health you have to take a step back, establish healthy boundaries; and focus on your own issues. That metaphor of putting your own oxygen mask on before you do others applies here - if you exhaust yourself emotionally by always giving to others; at some point it will all come crashing down and then there are two depressed, suicidal people needing help.

The Samaritans is a good place to point him, OP - they have strict rest criteria and the right support put in place for their volunteers so that they are able to help others.

Shame on those so desperate to pile in on the OP that they can’t recognise that she’s clearly in need of support herself.

Thank you for your replies ,
The sympathetic ones anyway.

It's like some of you think it's the first time he's said this to me .
I've said and done all these things suggested countless times .
I came on here because I'm a loss to what to do .
It's not helpful to say he's your friend !!
I've been going out of my mind over and over again with worry .
I honestly hope this never happens to you .
Can you imagine listening to a voicemail ( on a occasion I was on a work meeting and couldn't answer my phone ( from one of your oldest friends saying they have to say goodbye. Im then unable to get in touch , eventually I do but hours later knowing he's safe . I have a job and a young family so don't you dare lecture me on not being a good friend . I'm not trained for mental health but I know he's ill I know it's not his fault .
Thanks to the others who've been sympathetic and thank you for the advice .

Thank you @Dyrne 100% what it's like .

Thank you @Dyrne 100% what it's like .

Thank you @Dyrne 100% what it's like .

And though what everyone is saying about compassion fatigue is true, people have their own lives etc this is how really nice people with an illness be it disability, mental health or cancer wake up one day and realise they don't have anyone left to call - through no real fault of their own

Sorry @Dyrne my phone duplicate messages.

OP, you've done an incredible job of supporting your friend. His mental health is not your responsibility, and it's unfair to expect more than you are able to give - it doesn't mean you don't care, it means you have a life to live and a finite amount on energy!

Do begin to signpost him to other services, all of which are qualified and trained to deal with his issues. But kudos to you for being so kind, that shows what a caring and strong person you are.

I agree it’s awful 100PercentThatBitch but the answer is not guilting and pressuring friends who have no formal training or understanding of what to say; and who are already at the limits of their emotional capacity.

The answer is putting pressure on the government to improve their mental health support services; and in the mean time signposting people in desperate need towards the charities and services that already exist.

I think the harsh responses are due to the way the op worded her first post - I've reread the thread and also my response and although I do find some of the thread disappointing I feel I reacted too bluntly. I apologise for that.

The cry for help seems very selfish and the fact that he's done this many times makes it seem like attention seeking and, again, very selfish and not genuine.

However, depression and alcoholism makes a person appear selfish when they are, in fact, very ill. Nobody ever purposely sets out to be depressed or an alcoholic.

The friendship appears one-sided and that you're not getting anything out of it, even when he's doing well - you say he's your oldest friend so there must have be some mutual friendship in the past?

If you've done all you can and you feel like there's nothing else you can do, then follow the advice of passing on all the contacts listed below.

It's a very sad and difficult situation but not easily resolved. I hope it all works out.

I feel for you, OP, my dad made me witness his suicide attempt when I was 17, made another attempt when I was 24 and then spent the next 20 years threatening it to me, especially when drunk. He was also a domestic abuser to two women including my mum so I witnessed that too. It all affected me very badly, and I am now NC. People may judge but I had to protect myself. My father’s own own father had made many attempts and eventually committed suicide before I was born but he had kept that a secret from me and I only found out after I went NC.

My father will not seek help and kept his suicidal behaviour just for me, with his sisters he pretends he is well and fine and they didn’t even know he’d been sectioned for the attempt when I was 17. I don’t care what anyone says - it is impossible to spend years being the sole person catering for a suicidal person. It ruins you too. They need trained professionals. It is absolutely fine for you to step back and look after yourself. Put yourself and your children first.

To be honest if you don't want to be there for him anymore as a friend then you need to tell him not to call you when he feels suicidal.

All the advice given from professionals to anyone suffering from MH issues is to tell friends and family how you're feeling and to reach out for help. However, people like you are too wrapped up in your own safe happy little life and marriage and treat the person like a nuisance.

This. I've heard from many people who have expressed frustration with being ignored, rejected, cut out etc. when they've asked for help and that it makes it so much harder when they're told to ask for help and then shut out when they do, like there's a no-win situation and also that being ignored = people think they don't deserve help = worse feelings.

Not that I think OP has been unsupportive necessarily and everyone has their limits, but in general this attitude to mental health on one side being "please ask for help!" and the other "don't talk to me about this!" is a dangerous and sad thing. It's like often when poeple say to reach out for help, what they mean is "ask for what you need... but not from me".

littleorangecat22 but have you stopped to think about how fucked up it is to be told to ask your friends and family for support?

Professionals are given training and support in how to deal with suicidal people. Why is there an expectation that friends and family can cope with that without any sort of help?

The snide comments about “too busy with their own life” imply that life is all sunshine and picnics and butterflies that you don’t want a friend with poor mental health “ruining your perfect day”.

The reality is that most of us are just barely keeping our own heads above water on a daily basis. Sometimes we can’t act as the life preserver for another friend - sometimes that’s the one extra thing that would make us drown.

Thanks for the apology, I except that I should of put more info in my original post .
I completely agree there is not enough help with mental illness and it can happen to anyone . This friend of mine was the last person I would expect he was very strong if you know what I mean would never take any shit kind of person , he's a different person to how he's been recently . A family bereavement and a relationship breakdown has contributed to his mental health.
I go from being really angry with him to being so scared and worried about him it's like a cycle that doesn't end . I honestly do not want sympathy or harsh posts I suppose I was looking for someone who can relate .
Thanks for all your time anyway .

All the advice given from professionals to anyone suffering from MH issues is to tell friends and family how you're feeling and to reach out for help.

Um. With mild issues, maybe. When things are moderate - severe it's often a better idea to contact professionals.

It is an absolute myth that people who say they're going to kill themselves don't, and people who don't say it then do. It's bollocks. Please can we stop perpetuating it?Sometimes there are no warning signs. However, a significant proportion of suicide victims have sought support in the days leading up to the attempt. Other preparatory behaviours, such as giving away treasured belongings, are not uncommon either.

If someone says they are going to kill themselves, whether you believe it or not, contact the police and get them to do a welfare check. If it is a manipulative bluff, it takes you out of the situation. If it is a serious mental health problem, it gets the person to a place of safety where they can be assessed by a psychiatrist. Win win.

OP, professionals who work with people in crisis have had years of training and ongoing supervision (professional support within the workplace to help them deal with the stresses/dilemmas of the job). They need to have strong boundaries in place to keep their own mental health strong. A common catchphrase is "You can only do what you can do", and it's really important to remember that your friend's illness is not your fault, that you have done your best to support him, and that it is OK for you to be human and to have limits on what you can achieve. Call the police for him, maybe this will be the time that he can start to make changes.

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