Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Meeting friend with cancer. Help me not put my foot in it.

53 replies

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/10/2019 22:57

As the title says. Please tell me the obvious unhelpful things people in this situation have done so I can avoid doing/saying them.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Sharpandshineyteeth · 12/10/2019 23:01

Don’t tell her about an amazing cure or how positivity can help. Let her moan or cry or be pissed off with the unfairness of it all

Bloodybridget · 12/10/2019 23:02

Don't tell them they'll be fine. Don't grill them about details of diagnosis, prognosis and treatment, but leave space for them to talk about it if they choose to. And, (maybe it's just me that finds this annoying, I am having treatment for cancer), don't tell them how well they look!

Neome · 12/10/2019 23:05

BloodyBridget can you help me with the problem about telling someone who looks well that they do? My Dad is having treatment for advanced cancer, it's a sincere question.
Wishing you the best with your treatment.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health

SallyWD · 12/10/2019 23:05

I've had cancer and nearly everyone felt very awkward about it. Quite a few people put their foot in it but I didn't mind because they meant well. What really hurt me most were the people who avoided the subject at all cost. I wanted to be given the opportunity to talk about it. From many people I got a huge silence.

Bloodybridget · 12/10/2019 23:38

Neome for me it's because I'm obviously not well at all! So i feel like people saying it are kind of denying my actual reality! And in fact, I don't look well, I could audition for Gollum, skinny, bald, lashless . . But as I say, it might just be me having this reaction.

Bloodybridget · 12/10/2019 23:40

Oh and Neome I'm sorry about your father, hope he is coping with treatment ok.

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/10/2019 23:45

to you all. I am particularly worried about my reaction to how she looks Bloodybridget. She is halfway through her chemo. She was tiny to begin with.

OP posts:

hungrywalrus · 12/10/2019 23:59

Maybe you’ll put your foot in it but the main thing is that you show you care. Serious illness can remind people of their own mortality and a lot of people can’t deal with it so stay away. Make sure your behaviour follows her cues and is not a projection of how you feel about the situation/ your own fears.

She’s still the same person, really. Just more tired, feeling shitty and less hair.

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2019 00:09

Make sure your behaviour follows her cues and is not a projection of how you feel about the situation/ your own fears.

That's really interesting hungrywalrus. I think maybe this is what I'm trying to do with this thread. Work out as much of my own feelings about it (I've had two close relatives die from this cancer) so my mind is clear for her.

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 13/10/2019 00:17

People often put on weight on chemo - the steroids make you fierce hungry. She might not look much different to usual- I worked through chemo and told very few people as I couldn’t bear the whole tooth sucking, faux sympathy.
Why not just be honest and open? Why not talk about Christmas and her favourite tv programme?
Why the huge hang up about what you’re feeling?
Just have the conversation that friends have.

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2019 01:24

Why the huge hang up about what you’re feeling?
That's a good question Cherrypavliva. Its because I have watched this cancer take two people i loved and i fear it. I'd like to be able to control that fear before I meet up with her.

Just have the conversation that friends have.
That's what I want to do. We've both had a shitty year, hers considerably shittier than mine. I'd like us to have a catch up, a bit of a moan, talk about how the kids are coping, do Brexit, Halloween and Christmas.

OP posts:

springydaff · 13/10/2019 01:41

Well that's perfect Dione 👍

Ime a lot of people couldn't seem to resist telling me all their cancer stories ie stories of their close relatives. Which usually involved statements like "And she died!" and "It came back... and he died!"

I'm sure you won't.

Have to agree with Sally that is was the silence and avoidance that hurt the most. I went through it alone and it was particularly hard to find the old maxim was true: you find out who your friends are.

You're being a good friend, especially as you've been hurt so much by this cancer - well done for showing up for her. I'd value that if I were her. My closest friend who looked after me as much as she could - travelling hundreds of miles to do so - had supported her own beloved sister through cancer. Her sister didn't make it but my lovely friend never showed any horror or fear when I was going through it. We just had a cool time together, as usual. She sorted out my headgear sometimes when I either forgot to put it on or it fell apart (scarf situation) - other than that it was business as usual.

Onebrokentoe · 13/10/2019 02:34

Don’t tell your friend to stop chemo and go on a green juice and vegan diet. I wanted to hit the person who said that to me. Three years later and it still makes me angry when I think about it!

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2019 03:06

Ah fuck, there goes my opening line Onebrokentoe.🙄

Thanks Springydaffs. I will not talk about my relatives. I remember the hurt they felt as their friends withdrew.

OP posts:

Bloodybridget · 13/10/2019 03:44

Dione it's great that you're thinking about it in advance, and of course having lost people to cancer you have "baggage " about the illness, as do most people. As other posters have said, the main thing is that you are going to see her, not avoid her, and it sounds like you have enough sense and sensitivity to make it a good meeting for both of you. Hope your friend is doing ok.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/10/2019 03:58

You're meeting her. When so many people vanish from your life, that's pretty huge! Good friends are worth so much at a time like this. That's so much more important than putting your foot in it.

If you want "tips" then my opinion (which IS just my opinion) is...

don't tell her she looks great m. Compliment her on something specific if you normally would but I never know what to say when people say that I'm looking really good generally. Oh I must have the cancer thing wrong then- I'll let them know!

let her talk about normal things if she wants. Cancer is definitely not the only thing going on in my life!

don't assume it's going to get better. People are always asking me how many sessions I have of whatever left. Just until I die I guess! Lots of people are encouraged to see cancer as a chronic illness now and we'll be treated one way or another for life. Lots of people will be cured which is obv beyond brilliant but a lot of people won't too.

avoid talking about fighting, positivity etc because a) bleugh and b) people who don't make it are NOT not fighting hard enough.

be ready for big changes in appearance. Some people lose hair but some people don't, puffy face, weight gain, weight loss etc

if she takes some of the endless medication in front of you don't stare and be flattered that she is comfortable in your presence

share your cake!

MinnieMountain · 13/10/2019 08:07

Don't call her brave.
Acknowledge that it's a shitty thing to happen.

DonKeyshot · 13/10/2019 08:12

Don't talk about 'battles' and 'fights' to beat cancer or mention any of those ghastly glossy cancer ads that ruin many a programme for those who are cursed with this godawful disease.

Tell her that, as always, you're there for her in good and bad times and you'll continue to celebrate or commiserate whatever is thrown her/your way..

Take food... strong cheese, sharp sweets like bitter lemon sherbets or similar that can override the temporary loss of taste buds that chemo can cause. Buy her a dark nail polish, black or very dark purple, to wear while she's having chemo as it can go some way to protect her finger and toenails from damage

Ask if there's anything you can do to make her daily life easier - do the washing up, cook a meal, stick the washing on/peg it out, look after the dc while she has a nap, drive/accompany her to appointments. or just make her a cuppa or whatever other beverage she prefers.

Above all, be yourself and no matter what, if any, change in her appearance, see her as the friend she's always been to you. This cancer shit can bring you closer together than you've ever been.

aweedropofsancerre · 13/10/2019 08:17

Just be ‘normal’. My DH has two cancers and is in the middle of treatment. His dad turned up at the hospital ( he has been in for a while due to post op complications) and said ‘ you have lost loads of weight and look the best I have seen in years but your still fat’. He had refeeding syndrome as he hadn’t eaten due to post op pain and radiotherapy side effects and was very ill. His friends turned up and starting talking to him like he was 5 and stroking his arm. Just be yourself and be guided by them

aweedropofsancerre · 13/10/2019 08:19

I disagree about taking food. My DH has an NG tube and can’t eat and finds the smells of food nauseating. Friends of his have bought him Lego sets and adult colouring books.

SpiderCharlotte · 13/10/2019 08:20

Don't call her brave.

This ^ a hundred times over. Does my fucking head in.

Just ask her how she is OP. She'll probably either say fine and move on to something else or she'll tell you how she's feeling. That's what I do depending how I am.

Not every cancer patient loses weight, I've put on loads due to the steroids making me hungry and the lack of energy to do anything. Don't mention her hair if she's lost it, like a friend of mine did with a head tilt. You feel shit enough about that as it is without someone pitying you.

Just be her friend OP, that's what she needs.

FoxFoxSierra · 13/10/2019 08:26

It's ok to tell her you don't know what to say, I said exactly that to a friend and that it was a shitty thing to happen to her. Be guided by her, ask what she needs. The most important thing is that you're there

SpiderCharlotte · 13/10/2019 08:27

Oh and and as well as not calling her brave, I would also any inspirational quotes such as;

You got this
We'll beat this together
It won't change you, you're still you
You'll win this war

All said to me with kindness, of course, but what I need is someone to say 'can I do the ironing' or similar. I know this makes me sound horrible but I'm not brave or inspirational, far from it, but my kids are wearing unironed clothes. 😊

SinkGirl · 13/10/2019 08:27

It’s difficult. My mum did mostly look fantastic during chemo and enjoyed being told so, but she was in full make up and hair, fitted dresses everyday. She would have been upset if I didn’t tell her she looked great! But I would be completely different. It’s hard to say without knowing her.

My mum just wanted to have me around and feel normal. After she had surgery we spent all day every day curled up on the sofa watching films and chatting. Being there when they need you is what matters.
M

Fookadook · 13/10/2019 08:34

DH hated the ‘fight’ and ‘battle’ talk. It wasn’t how he viewed his cancer. He just saw it as a shitty situation but having the best treatment given to him by the experts. He’s fine now btw. Just talk, ask how she is and go from there.

Flip

1 2 3