Meeting friend with cancer. Help me not put my foot in it.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

As the title says. Please tell me the obvious unhelpful things people in this situation have done so I can avoid doing/saying them.

Thank you.

PS: Tell your friend about the long running cancer support thread on the General Health board of this site.... she'll be made more than welcome and will be able to vent and rant at the horror that has befallen her and celebrate achievements such as another treatment ticked off, another day less to spend at a hospital appointment.

The 'lacies' on the thread are, or have been, afflicted with various cancers and there's nothing they can't, won't, or are unwilling to discuss. There's handholding and reassurance by the bucketload together with compassionate listening and sympathy when things aren't going to plan, plus helpful suggestions for every eventuality. All this and no shortage of humour to lighten the mood when the going gets tough.

It's a heartwarming and heartbreaking thread to read - I've lurked for years and continue to be astounded, and deeply moved, by the courage and resilience of so many wonderful women.

If she is declared cancer free or in remission at the end of her treatment, she'll experience 'scanxiety' where, in her mind, every ache, pain, or twinge could herald its return. Cancer really is the gift that keeps on giving.

So many people told me I looked well when I was having treatment! I certainly didn't feel it.
Be led by her, but don't shy away from the subject.
People called me brave and inspirational but I wasn't, I was just trying to make the best of a shitty situation.
If you do want to take her a gift, hand cream might be a good choice.

Macmillan do a booklet called 'talking to people with cancer' or similar, if you have a large hospital near you there might be a Macmillan stand where you can find it or you can contact them and they'll post it to you.

I'm speaking as a spouse here, my husband has leukaemia, but don't start sentences with "you must be feeling...", it gives me the absolute rage. People are always telling me I must be exhausted, I must look after myself, I must eat.

And definitely don't take food unless you know it's okay, my husband is neutropenic and was given a huge list of foods almost immediately that he wasn't allowed to eat, I then had to sort through all the food gifts to check them all.

You can't preempt it all, you've just got to go with the flow. She may want to talk in great depth about her treatment, the cancer, how she is. She may to talk about anything but.

She may be cheerful, she may be teary.

She may look good, she might not.

She may be exhausted, she may have more stamina than you expected.

The thing to do is just be there and be a friend. And it sounds like you're a great friend.

Sorry for your losses. Cancer sucks.

Morning 👋🏻

I just wanted to add my thoughts...when my mom was having treatment, she always knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel as it was caught very early, but she would often get very tired and the medication she was taking would make her emotional, so she would just walk up and leave the room to have a cry. Some people found it odd at first and would try to follow her but I would ask them not too, she just needed to be away from all the fuss.
If your friend seems tired or wants to be alone, don’t take it personally. Give her space.

Ask before you go round if she wants/needs anything picking up. My dad also had chemo, his cancer was very progressed and he was never going to get better, so was a much different scenario to my mom, but he would crave full fat coke. (Totally our of character for him, I’ve never known him drink fizzy drinks before!) He couldn’t swallow much because of the type of cancer he had, so I would make really soft foods, things like fish pie, cauliflower cheese, soups and veggie stews.

The practical things are much more helpful, not the, “you are so brave” “you are going to beat this” “you look so well” “what caused this?”

The worst one for us was, “I don’t know how you are coping” I mean what can you say to that? Truthfully we weren’t coping very well but you don’t really have a choice do you?! My mom got that a lot, as she was having treatment just after my dad died. truthfully some days were bloody horrific and you can’t escape that.

It's in my genes to take food when someone's ill but I'm always fully prepared to take any such offerings home with me if they're not suitable, or leave them for others to eat.

Perhaps you could call your friend before you visit and ask if there's anything she'd like you to bring her, food or otherwise, OP.

Hand cream is a good idea - Aveeno or MooGoo creams can also be used on radiotherapy sites.

If she doesn't mention it- say so how are you doing? Open the door so she knows she can talk to you about it. If she spills her heart out, listen and agree that it's really tough. My mum hated that her friends would talk about all sorts of normal stuff but no one would ask her how it was going with treatment.

Yes also to NO battle/fighting/brave talk.

It did my head in too SpiderCharlotte. Being brave implies a choice in the thing one is being "brave" about.

Cancer is shit. Sorry op.

It's not the same but I had serious brain surgery recently and really really appreciated the friends who came and just acted normally, took the piss and just treated me like me.

I think you'll be guided by her, you sound like a lovely friend

Would it be appropriate to tell her you've been wanting to see her but are worried you'll put your foot in it at some point and to give you a slap when you do? I have some friends who would appreciate that and some who maybe wouldn't.
Cancer is shit. Sorry your friend has it and sorry to the people on this thread affected. The comment about the Post-Cancer scans being the gift that keep on giving has really stuck in my mind.

Agree totally with other posters about no battle/fight/brave talk. Also, don't ask whether they've tried (insert latest batshit crazy health trend). The person I live with is having treatment for an aggressive and almost certainly terminal cancer and if one more person suggests they try CBD oil I think I might not be responsible for my actions.

I wouldn't take food without checking first - tastes/tolerances can change massively with chemo and related treatment, often on a day to day basis.

It's okay to acknowledge that you don't know what to say. One acquaintance came round early on and said "Christ mate, this is shit isn't it?" which my friend actually found quite comforting!

Everybody deals with this differently - follow your friend's lead.

An amazing friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and they found out soon after it had spread and that whilst treatable it was terminal. She hated it when people told her how well she looked (even though she did). I took my cues from her and tried to not treat her any differently than I had before her diagnosis. She was still the same person and wanted to be treated as such. We laughed together, we cried together. She was amazing and I miss her terribly.

Everyone is different though so I'd say the important thing is to take your cues from her and to try not to project your own feelings on to her.

I agree with everyone about ‘battles’ as if it’s your own fault for not trying hard enough if you don’t survive. Also don’t suggest nonsense. My DH mum tried to poison him with nutmeg as she read somewhere it can help. He lost the plot. Others have suggested the tried and tested turmeric paste that well known cancer cure. Anyway I agree with others that the best thing for my DH was people being normal, his brother turns up and takes the piss and they have a laugh as does his friend.

One of my friends dealt with this by saying as an opening line "I'm here as your friend, we can talk about what ever you like, just steer me off in the right direction. I'll probably drop clanger along the way, but you know it's because I'm a twat. Not because I don't care."

Was so totally right at the time .

Don't overthink it. Just go and be yourself and her friend. My friend died of cancer this year. So many people avoided going to see her. One even turned round and walked away from her in a shop when I was with her (and my friend felt guilty that she'd forgotten to put her hat on and covered up her bald head because it seemed to upset people). Sometimes we talked about things that were going on, our mutual interest, sometimes we talked about her illness (and cried!), we talked about some major problems I had going on (I actually think she liked discussing my problems and focusing on something else). Towards the end I made a photo book of us throughout the ages and we laughed at the old pics and had a remember.

Like I said, don't overthink it or go in worrying about what you shouldn't say. She's your friend, that's the important bit. Just go in and give her a big hug. See where the conversation goes.

(and a big cyber hug to you from me, because its pants).

I would have loved if somebody had told me how well I look.
They didn't dare (I found out by accident) - it would have given me a boost!

I had cancer a few years ago.

I hated when someone got in touch and asked how I was.
If I was having a bad day I would say,today is horrible,not leaving my bedroom.I really didnt like the reply you have to be POSITIVE ...repeated to me over and over by a couple of people.It was nothing to do with being positive. I knew the outcome was good but I was going through a shit time and the treatment could be horrible.
I was just having a bad day which anyone and everyone is allowed to have for any reason.

Good job you weren't in the same room as them whistle when they churned out that 'positive' shite

Completely agree about the glossy adverts! Can't stand them, turn them off. I like the woman dancing one though.

It did my head in too SpiderCharlotte. Being brave implies a choice in the thing one is being "brave" about.

Yes, exactly @MinnieMountain! I didn't choose this and I'm not brave, I'm just trying to not die to be honest.

Yes! Re comforting others who think they may have it.

Mind you, that doesn't last long - it's not long before I think fuck this. I've turned into quite a horrible cow since I had cancer lol.

I tis very hard and everyone who has cancer deals with it in their own way, i had a work friend who emailed everyone telling us she had cancer but didnt want to be asked about it as she wanted work to be the one place she could be in her words "normal" and in control.
Ask your friend how she wants you to be ?

It doesn’t sound as if you would, but for the avoidance of doubt don’t send uplifting memes, quotes etc and don’t anthropomorphise cancer “fuck you cancer!”, “you’re going to kick cancer’s butt!” etc etc.

Don’t say “I know you’re going to be fine” or, as others have said, suggest crackpot cures.

Don’t say “I know lots of people with that”, which a couple of friends have told me, which made me feel a bit dismissed as if it was no big deal if they’ve already seen others go through it.

When she tells you about her treatment plan (if she does), pay attention to which day of the week her chemo will be on and how many sessions she’s having. I really disliked telling the same people over and over what the plan was/where I was in the schedule and it being obvious from their messages that they hadn’t really listened when I had taken them through it all. (They had asked for all the details and I was happy to tell them for their information, but I did expect the quid pro quo to be that they’d do something useful with it!)

If you know which days she’ll be having chemo, a regular “hope it goes well today/tomorrow” was sometime found really thoughtful from those who were on the ball.

Ask if you can come along for a chemo session. I was really touched that people wanted to, and did, come along.

Don’t say “you must be nearly finished!” even if she’s a day away from finishing. Until you get to the finishing line, it’s always a long way away for the patient, and treatment might be called off on the day, and of course for some their treatment is ongoing for life.

Don’t take flowers - IMO they’re a bit funereal and a hassle to get rid of when they die. Skin care or a book or makeup or something would be more welcome for me, personally.

Do ask her whether she wants to talk about how she’s feeling or something else. Often I get a bit fed up talking about me and it’s a relief to hear about something else, however mundane you might think it is in comparison.

It’s great that you are asking for tips on this and I hope your friend is doing ok. Do send her along to the Cancer Support thread on here if she’s interested!

Thank you everyone.

I will avoid battles, bravery, dead relatives and broccoli & breastmilk cures. I'll take my cue on mentioning her appearance when I see her. I will offer to cook and freeze food (whatever she wants/needs) and bring them next time. That way there will be a definite next time. I will also offer to go to chemo with her.

I'm not offering ironing though, it's only cancer.

A far away friend who couldn't be with me sent me a card in the post every week - in it she chattered on about not much lol. Meant the world to me.

When I complained about the 'avoiders' she said "people don't have the confidence to know they can make a difference".

Wise woman.