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To think my ds is spoiled and not know how to reverse it.

54 replies

miagerbies · 12/10/2019 15:52

My ds is 9. He has no concept of the value of things. I can tell him that a computer game he wants is £45, and that's a lot, but he cannot seem to grasp exactly how much of "a lot" that is to me.

He was desperate for a Nintendo Switch, told me how all the other kids had one. I felt bad, so I worked a load of overtime, and saved for 3 months to buy him one. He was thrilled, at the time, but now it seems that switch games are all he wants. My dmil, his stepgm, bought him a supermario teddy for his birthday, and he was just disappointed that it wasn't a switch game. The other day, he asked if we sold all his other teddies and toys, could we use the money for a game? Like they mean nothing to him now. He used to adore his teddies.

His dad and I are divorced, he was our only child and he is also the only gchild on both sides, so he is basically worshipped by his family. I really worry that he isn't growing up to to be a nice person. He has 2 stepbrothers who are spoilt rotten by their dm and given computer games a few times a month, I know he's jealous and has asked me why can't be richer like his stepbrothers dm.

How can I make him show and feel some appreciation for all the wonderful things he does have? I feel so out of my depth with him sometimes.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 12/10/2019 15:55

9 year old’s don’t have any grasp of the value of money 🤷🏻‍♀️
There’s nothing too bizarre about starting to prefer console games to teddies either, really.

Shittiestdayinalongtime · 12/10/2019 15:56

Does he get pocket money? He'll soon realise the value of things when he has to buy something.

Teddybear45 · 12/10/2019 15:57

You need to start giving him pocket money and making him save for things - that’s how to develop money management skills. Start small.

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moreismore · 12/10/2019 15:58

I wouldn’t beat yourself up as this doesn’t sound unusual, but I think it’s good you recognise it. I would also go the route of pocket money. Maybe a set amount a month with the opportunity to earn more doing specific jobs? Perhaps get family to offer jobs for extra earning so you aren’t having to find lots extra.

miagerbies · 12/10/2019 15:58

No he doesn't get pocket money. That's definitely a good idea though. I tried it once. I asked him to do some jobs around the house in exchange for money. He just said he'd rather not have the money as he knew he'd just get things anyway.

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 12/10/2019 15:59

So make him earn pocket money for his treats by doing chores. He'll soon learn the value of money once he has to work for it. And the concept of saving for an expensive item rather than blowing each £1 as he gets it on sweets/crap.

It's a valuable lesson that can't come too early IMO.

BestestBrownies · 12/10/2019 16:00

Ah I see lots of pp beat me to it...

BestestBrownies · 12/10/2019 16:01

He just said he'd rather not have the money as he knew he'd just get things anyway.

You need to nip that attitude in the bud sharpish

BestestBrownies · 12/10/2019 16:01

Bold fail

miagerbies · 12/10/2019 16:02

bestestbrownies I know, I really do, I'm just not sure how best to do it.

OP posts:
Kaykay06 · 12/10/2019 16:05

I have an 8 and 9 year old. So know that this age group don’t really understand money properly yet but know that they can’t just get whatever they want.

When you say he really wanted a Nintendo switch and you saved for 3 months was that for a birthday or Christmas or just because?
My kids would like lots of things but unless it’s christmas or a birthday it doesn’t happen I don’t have spare money (or inclination) to be buying them toys/games/tat just because they want it. I also have two older sons 14 &18 and I did the same as a single parent I need to be careful.
Perhaps a chore or two each week (my 9 year old peels veg - he loves it and offers) and he’ll ask to hoover 8 year old refuses to do anything so no pocket money.

Greedytiger · 12/10/2019 16:06

When you bought the Switch was it a birthday or Xmas present or just given to him?

Spied · 12/10/2019 16:07

You have my sympathy. My DS is 10 and sounds very like your ds.
We tried pocket money but it didn't work out as he was asking for pocket money in advance and then there would be weeks with no pocket money due to this and all hell would break loose and it became a farce.
Relatives often give DS an odd couple of pound if we see them out shopping, for e.g or if they've popped over for a cuppa and I'm highly embarrassed as DS will thank them but look less than grateful if it's not at least a fiver.
I'm at my wits' end and dreading Christmas with the expectations of the 'haul' he thinks he's entitled to.

miagerbies · 12/10/2019 16:07

It was a just because gift. I rarely do it. But he was so sad, saying that every one in his class had one and other children were asking to go online and play with him. I always felt like a misfit at school and had few friends, so there was probably an element of that too.

OP posts:
squee123 · 12/10/2019 16:08

simple. Start the pocket money again and when he tells you he doesn't want to do jobs because he will get things anyway, tell him he won't. Stick to it and make sure the rest of the family does too. No helping out, no pocket money, no computer games. He will soon learn. You're the adult. Set the rules and stick to them.

JenniR29 · 12/10/2019 16:10

Maybe open a savings account for him to put birthday and Christmas money too, you can manage it online with him so he can see what’s in there.

Buyitinbamboo · 12/10/2019 16:10

Go back to pocket money and don't buy him things, make it clear he won't get anything if he doesn't earn it (tell grandparents the same). Presents for Christmas and birthday and that's it. If he wants something else he needs to earn the money for it. I know it'll seem hard but his attitude needs to be nipped in the bud and that is the norm for most children.

Otter46 · 12/10/2019 16:12

I think you have to recognise as he grows older he has different needs and will become less attached to things like teddies. Can you do a round up of outgrown clothes and toys and do a car boot/mum2mum market sale or something like that?

miagerbies · 12/10/2019 16:12

Yes, good plan. I'll restart the pocket money.

OP posts:
HappyHarlot · 12/10/2019 16:14

What's the going rate for pocket money these days?

BeesKnees4 · 12/10/2019 16:16

A £300 ‘just because’ gift because he was sad?!?
You’re in for a very hard time with a entitled demanding child, at 9 he already knows he can manipulate you to get his own way.

lazylinguist · 12/10/2019 16:19

Personally I don't agree with paying pocket money for chores. If a child is old enough to do chores, they should do them because it is expected that they contribute to helping with family tasks, not because they are being paid. Adults don't get paid to do housework.

As for the rest... it is pretty normal for a child of that age to go off cuddly toys and like other things. Children change quickly and it's pretty unreasonable to expect them to continue loving the same toys for that long. Why should his teddies 'mean anything to him now' if he doesn't play with teddies any more?

Of course he won't understand the value of money/goods properly until he's a bit older. He's not used to buying things, or to having a budget - why would he know what £45 means to you? Giving him pocket money will help with all that. As will just saying "No - that's too expensive. We have other necessary, important things to spend money on."

Josette77 · 12/10/2019 16:21

I actually think his plan to sell his teddies sounds very pragmatic and entrepreneurial.

Anothernotherone · 12/10/2019 16:23

I do think you're right to restart pocket money, and don't buy him entertainment luxuries as presents outside of Christmas and birthday. Just completely stop doing that and be clear that there is no point asking, he'll have to save pocket money or wait til Christmas/ birthday.

I must say that this is a problem we've never had (3 kids aged between 8 and 14) more by luck than judgement probably - they've all had pocket money from age 5 (1€ per school year per week paid monthly in our case) - eldest has a larger allowance but from it also buys all her own clothes and pays for herself if she goes out with friends - no exceptions (we negotiated a contract with her over what she pays for - we pay for everything school related essentially, and obviously anything we do as a family). We've always been clear that toys and tech are birthday and Christmas presents or they save up.

Kez200 · 12/10/2019 16:28

This is what we did.

Offered £5 a week pocket money paid termly and another over summer.

They were expected to put effort in at school plus do sunday washing up. Any low effort grade on a report or failure to wash up, we knocked £5 off.

We didnt moan if they refused to wash up, we just did it. But they got a deduction!

In the end, we kept very little back from them as they knew the rules.

Then they could spend or save it accordingly and anything more they wrote birthday and Christmas lists.

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