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Original poster

Desperately need some advice re daughter.

64 replies

QueenoftheDay · 10/10/2019 16:37

My daughter is nearly five and started school this year (Scotland). She’s the youngest in her year. She’s coped well - she has made friends and is really enjoying the work. Prior to school she was at nursery three days per week and thrived there too.

I’m noticing however that she is very needy compared to her friends at school. It’s been worse recently. She does nothing for herself. She will follow me from room to room. Hates to be alone for a second (so will sit in the bathroom while I shower etc rather than just watch tv or something). Won’t dress herself. Won’t go to the toilet herself. She can do these things. She just will not do them when at home.

The worst thing however is her sleep. Every single night one of us (usually me) must lie with her until she goes to sleep. It was previously the case that she would be asleep by half seven so that was fine. But since starting school she is tossing and turning until 9.30pm-10pm most nights. She doesn’t even try to go to sleep. Singing and whispering to herself.

Not only am I concerned about the amount of sleep she is getting (granted she seems to cope fine without it) this is taking a tremendous toll on us. We have no time together any more. Also, no time to get anything done. I need my evenings to work or catch up with housework etc. It’s impacting on my mental health. I now start to feel agitated as bedtime rolls around because I just can’t bear it. I’m trying so so hard to be patient but it’s so hard sometimes. Trying to balance that and work and marriage and all the other stuff that needs done.

We have tried everything I can think of. Nightlights. Audio books. Returning her to bed over and over again. Absolutely nothing works. Nothing. She’s so strong willed. I have tried sitting in my bedroom across the hall with the lights on so she knows I’m there and can shout if she needs me but she just won’t stay in bed.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sustain this I feel like we have literally no life. I love her so much but it’s suffocating.

I have read on here before that it might be better to just let her play in her room from bedtime and let her sleep when she’s ready. I may try this tonight (although suspect she won’t sit in her room alone) but I genuinely think if she is left to her own devices she will still be wandering around at midnight.

Please, please help

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 10:29

Shamelessly bumping because I feel very low today.

To update, the past two nights I have let her play in her room until 8 then she’s been looking at books in bed for another half an hour until I come in and read her a story and tuck her in. I have been staying in my room after that (with hall light and my light on) so that she knows I’m just across the hall.

The first night she was asleep by ten. No arguments, no angst and I felt positive. Cautiously optimistic. But last night was horrific. She eventually went to sleep at 11 after I returned her to bed over and over. She was screaming (not crying) that she didn’t want to be alone but I just kept returning her.

It was the hardest thing, ignoring her. She’s safe in her bed and I was just across the hall. She has a nightlight and the hall light was on. I feel like I need to persevere for her own good but this is sheer torture. DH not helping, a constant negative “this is not working” so we fell out to (I basically told him to do one. He’s ground down by it too).

OP posts:

Witchend · 12/10/2019 10:36

Ds was like this when starting school.
He still does like to have someone upstairs when falling asleep.

What I find most successful with him, is read story, lie down with him for a few minutes and chat, then when he goes quiet, I tell him I'm just going to wash my hand/sort washing/phone granny/something upstairs.
I tell him I'll be back if he stays in bed with the light off.
Start with coming back fairly quickly and then staying with her, and increase the time you leave, but do something where she can hear you softly.

With dd2 telling her a story she could imagine herself in worked well. Hiding in a cave from pirates, jumping the waves, in a tree house... little stories she could imagine while she fell to sleep.

CarolDanvers · 12/10/2019 10:38

Hello,

My dd is like this. She's 13 and still climbs into bed with me most nights, cannot bear to be alone in a room, needs music playing as is frightened of the quiet. She has autism though, which makes her highly anxious and sensitive. She can still be awake at 1 am...

Personally I stopped "bedtime". She clearly didn't need the sleep and the stress just wasn't worth it. The reduction in stress has been immense. I know it's hard to change our mindset if they need a certain amount of sleep so must be in bed at a certain time but not all children are the same. Sometimes it's adult expectations that have to change to allow everyone to be happier. Sorry you're going through this. It's soul destroying. I wish I had tried what we do now sooner and saved us all the anguish tbh.

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fatandfettered · 12/10/2019 10:41

If it were me I would just lie with her or let her sleep with me. Sorry not very helpful but she obviously needs the extra comfort at the moment, and she's only 5.

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 10:44

The thing is I wouldn’t mind her just pottering until she was tired. The issue is that she is so needy. She won’t just watch tv or sit and play with her toys. She needs constant entertainment and interaction all of the time. I just can’t do that. I have a very stressful and difficult job (that’s it’s own thread) and I need to work a lot once the kids are asleep. There is housework to be done. Also spending time with DH who works long(ish) hours.

OP posts:

dingdang · 12/10/2019 10:45

My daughter has been like this for around two years since I split up with her dad. I just lie with her and read till she sleeps!

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 10:47

Lying with her doesn’t get her to sleep any quicker. She whispers and giggles and I lie there with my stress levels through the roof. I can’t do it any more. I cant.

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 10:48

I can barely face her today I’m so worn down. I feel awful saying that but it’s true. She’s downstairs playing games with her sister and DH. I am hiding upstairs

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dingdang · 12/10/2019 10:50

My daughter has been like this for around two years since I split up with her dad. I just lie with her and read till she sleeps!

Bedtime was turning into a massive flashpoint of the day as she used to go off to sleep by herself but I figured out that what she needs now is my attention so we go to bed at the same time - once she is sleeping I get up again. This is around 8.30 ish. My daughter is five too. I just went with it and now bedtime is later less stress all round which can only be a good thing!

GreenTulips · 12/10/2019 10:51

Try love bombing!! Give her loads of positive attention. They soon tire of it.

stucknoue · 12/10/2019 10:51

My daughter was like this until about 7. She's now a super confident young adult. Please don't worry, kids are all different

Summer23 · 12/10/2019 10:53

My 6 year old takes a bit of time to settle too. Ideally I think he would like me to cuddle him to sleep but that’s not practical every night as you say. I stick to the story cuddle and night night routine - he plays in his bed until about 9pm then falls asleep. He also likes to know where I am and will shout through to check!

PoopaPoopa · 12/10/2019 10:55

Is it something that she’s always done or did it begin when she started school? I’m wondering if something’s going on in school she isn’t happy about if it started then?

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 10:57

She’s always been like this. Always hated being alone etc it’s just so much more intense now. She seems to love school. She goes in happy and comes out happy.

OP posts:

Carouselfish · 12/10/2019 10:57

She needs you emotionally and misses you. The quicker you make her secure the quicker she'll feel less needy. She can probably sense you pulling away and it makes her more needy. Like any relationship; if you were suddenly away from your husband for much longer periods and when you were together he was constantly trying to escape, you'd probably feel clingy and anxious too. She's only five and school is a big change. My dd is same age and has had bad dreams since starting school. I spend 45 mins on her bedtime routine, two books in bed then lights off and I sing to her but she's not allowed to talk when lights off. She falls asleep and I go. At about 1am she wakes up and comes into bed with me. Either my partner or me moves into her bed and she snuggles in the big bed. It's just how it is right now and it won't be forever.

FAQs · 12/10/2019 11:03

My daughter was like this I've got no advice really but wanted to say you're not alone. It was different for me as it is only me and her so she slept in my bed until she was about 12!

She is now however a very independent 15 year old who loves her room, lots of friends.

When she talks when trying to get to sleep do you tell her you will leave if she doesn't go to sleep, and follow through with it?

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:05

Yes. I actually think I could handle it better if she was genuinely trying to sleep and just couldn’t get over. It’s the fact that she won’t even try.

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:06

She has attention danced on her during the day. She is an adored child. I don’t know how else to make her feel secure. I’m not pulling away I feel like I need to make her a little more independent for her own good as well as my own

OP posts:

DirtyWindow · 12/10/2019 11:11

I have no idea if this is a good idea or a terrible one, but if you need to work could you put a small desk in her room and work with a spotlight on your laptop while she goes to sleep? Obvs depends on the type of work..

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:13

I’ve tried working in her room before. She becomes obsessed with my laptop

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 12/10/2019 11:18

Lying with her doesn’t get her to sleep any quicker. She whispers and giggles and I lie there with my stress levels through the roof. I can’t do it any more. I cant.

You sound very stressed. You cannot make her a little more independent, only the reverse if you think in those terms. I think you've got to ignore bedtime even just for a few days. Let her stay up till she's so exhausted she can't stay awake any longer. You need to try to change your mindset around bedtime. Everyone on this thread is telling you to relax expectations. It's the only way.

madcatladyforever · 12/10/2019 11:20

When I got divorced my 5 year old son slept in my bed for several months as he just couldn't settle. He soon became confident enough to go back to his own room again.
I was single though so it didn't matter it must be awful if you have other people to consider.

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:21

I have honestly thought about just moving her into my bed and putting my husband in her room but he’s very against that idea. Says it’s unhealthy and a step backwards.

OP posts:

Enb76 · 12/10/2019 11:24

Is she in a room with her sister? My SIL has trouble with one of her boys until she got the sharing a room.

Original poster

QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:25

No they have separate rooms. Her sister is 2 and she’s an awesome sleeper so I’m a bit nervous about moving her through in case it throws off her routine and I have two non-sleepers to deal with instead of once 🙈

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