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Original poster

Desperately need some advice re daughter.

64 replies

QueenoftheDay · 10/10/2019 16:37

My daughter is nearly five and started school this year (Scotland). She’s the youngest in her year. She’s coped well - she has made friends and is really enjoying the work. Prior to school she was at nursery three days per week and thrived there too.

I’m noticing however that she is very needy compared to her friends at school. It’s been worse recently. She does nothing for herself. She will follow me from room to room. Hates to be alone for a second (so will sit in the bathroom while I shower etc rather than just watch tv or something). Won’t dress herself. Won’t go to the toilet herself. She can do these things. She just will not do them when at home.

The worst thing however is her sleep. Every single night one of us (usually me) must lie with her until she goes to sleep. It was previously the case that she would be asleep by half seven so that was fine. But since starting school she is tossing and turning until 9.30pm-10pm most nights. She doesn’t even try to go to sleep. Singing and whispering to herself.

Not only am I concerned about the amount of sleep she is getting (granted she seems to cope fine without it) this is taking a tremendous toll on us. We have no time together any more. Also, no time to get anything done. I need my evenings to work or catch up with housework etc. It’s impacting on my mental health. I now start to feel agitated as bedtime rolls around because I just can’t bear it. I’m trying so so hard to be patient but it’s so hard sometimes. Trying to balance that and work and marriage and all the other stuff that needs done.

We have tried everything I can think of. Nightlights. Audio books. Returning her to bed over and over again. Absolutely nothing works. Nothing. She’s so strong willed. I have tried sitting in my bedroom across the hall with the lights on so she knows I’m there and can shout if she needs me but she just won’t stay in bed.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sustain this I feel like we have literally no life. I love her so much but it’s suffocating.

I have read on here before that it might be better to just let her play in her room from bedtime and let her sleep when she’s ready. I may try this tonight (although suspect she won’t sit in her room alone) but I genuinely think if she is left to her own devices she will still be wandering around at midnight.

Please, please help

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 12/10/2019 11:26

Says it’s unhealthy and a step backwards

It isn't. It's what's needed right now to retain your sanity. I can understand why he doesn't want to do it though. I wouldn't want to have to do it I were him, but I would, just to get us through this stressful time. I do think we are held to ransom by societal expectations around child raising; they should be doing this thing at this age and if they're not what's wrong with you as a parent? It's a load of nonsense really. My nephew was also very like this and his mum ended up sleeping with him most nights. Again she says she wished she'd done it sooner and saved them all months of stress and tears.

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:28

I might give some thought to moving her sister into her room.

OP posts:
FromTheAllotment · 12/10/2019 11:31

Have you tried tackling the other independence aspects instead? So accept the bed situation as is for a few nights and instead try rewards, stickers, praise, etc for anything else you’re trying to work on independence for eg going to the loo or getting dressed?

Also can you and DH brainstorm together about how you can give yourselves a break and refresh your energy to cope with this? What housework can be ignored, what naps can you give each other, what space can you carve out to try and give each other a break? It’s so so hard to think of solutions and make changes when you’re both already tired and stressed and worn down by it all. Similarly it’s really hard to work as a team when you feel this way.

So I would put the main issue on pause and try to think how you can get your joint energy back before you try and tackle the sleep. Because clearly you’ve tried all the easy things so you both now need to take a deep breath and gather yourselves before you have another go.

Flowers

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BellaBattenburg · 12/10/2019 11:40

My older son was like this. He's 17 now. In retrospect, it was his personality. He is a very anxious person - and he still doesn't like being on his own much. While not loud, super confident etc etc , he is extrovert- in the sense that he gets stimulation and energy from being around other people. My other son needs and enjoys time alone.
When DS1 was at crisis point, counterintuitively, I got them to share a bedroom. Even though they went to bed at separate times- 5 year age gap... Turns out
DS1 just needed someone there, even his sleeping younger brother, it didn't have to be me.

chergar · 12/10/2019 11:41

First off stop comparing her to friends at school, you don't know their story.

Your daughter needs you just now, she has gone through a major change (transition from nursery to school) give her the reassurance she needs, be with her as much as she needs just now to make her feel more secure.

It is the October holiday, spend a lot of time with her, play games and let her chat about stuff, you may find out if something is troubling her, children fret about the most (to us adults) ridiculous things, relax bedtime, let her set her own schedule for sleep this week, let her sit with you as much as possible, make her your priority, give her your full attention (dh can pick up the slack on housework, cooking, etc).

It will be tough for a while but better a tough few weeks now than months and months of this getting you down.

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:42

Yes I’m going to give this a try tonight. Worth a shot. I’ll move her sisters toddler bed into her bedroom, get her sister to sleep while older dd watches strictly, and take it from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 11:44

I have been off work with her all week. We have done everything together. Played games. Drawing. Walks. Park. It’s been nice. She talks enthusiastically about school and learning to read.

OP posts:
chergar · 12/10/2019 12:02

Children have to be independent in school, your daughter may be finding that difficult and likes the security of being "guided" at home and relying on mummy to do things for her.

Have the school mentioned how she is, is she needy there as well?

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 12:24

No the school haven’t said anything. Teacher thinks she’s great. The only issue has been that she wasn’t keen on using the toilets at first but the teacher has been working on that with her and seems to be ok now. She goes with a buddy.

OP posts:
NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 12/10/2019 12:29

My DD’s were a bit like this (in the old distant days) Sharing a room definitely helped. They didn’t want own room until 13/12 ish in the end. Give it a go.

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 13:17

I will try anything. Please keep everything crossed 😬😬

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 13:17

If this doesn’t work I will just need to lie with her again.

OP posts:
Whereland · 12/10/2019 13:34

No advice just wanted to wish you luck. It sounds so so frustrating. If having her sister for company doesn't work I would consider just moving her in with you for now.

OliviaPopeRules · 12/10/2019 16:09

My DD 6 is exactly like this. The only thing that has solved the sleep issue is moving her in with her brother as she is happy that she's not on her own. They do sometimes wake each other up a bit earlier than the other might wake in the morning but mostly they are fine. My DS is 3. Now in the mornings if they come in before 7 I send them back and they will play together. I did years of lying in bed for hours trying to get her to sleep and never having an evening, it is awful so You have my sympathy!

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 21:03

No luck so far. DD2 fast asleep. DD1 tossing and turning. I’m nipping in to see her every five mins or so on the understanding she will at least try to get to sleep, and heaping praise on her for staying in bed.

DH has brought me up a Prosecco. He’s a good lad, really...

OP posts:
SpinningBob · 12/10/2019 22:28

How's it going op? Is she asleep yet? That was kind of your dh.

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 12/10/2019 23:26

She’s only asleep because DH eventually lay with her. This was at 10pm. I was at the end of my tether and he came in and sent me downstairs. She was wide awake and showing no signs of sleep. She was as white as a sheet and clearly exhausted but she just wasnt trying and was beginning to kick off and we didn’t want her to wake DD2.

I feel like we have utterly failed. I don’t know what to make of it I don’t know why she’s doing this. But I think we are just going to need to lie with her and hope to god it settles

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 12/10/2019 23:53

Hi I’m sure you have probably tried this but we still used to do the bath and bed routine at this age half an hour in the warm bath maybe some of that relaxing bubble bath Johnson’s do. Then into bed and story and leave with a low cd on we used Disney soundtrack one. Sounds like she is super hyped from school and needs the chill out. I used to say I’ll come and check on you in ten minutes.
Having the low noise of the cd seemed to help. Sorry if you have tried all this

Tolleshunt · 13/10/2019 00:28

I’m having similar with DD4, who’s four weeks into reception. I’ve been sitting with her at bedtime, and she has similarly been very wired, and wanting to chat/muck about etc, seemingly unable to lie still.

I have told her I won’t sit with her unless she actually tries to go to sleep. This usually involves me telling her to shush, keep still etc quite a few times, followed by me then going to get up and walk out, because she isn’t trying and i’m not prepared to sit there wasting my time like a lemon. This usually gets her to become serious about lying still, etc.

The other thing that has helped is Epsom salt baths, which seem to calm her and make her more sleepy.

I understand that starting school means she needs the reassurance of me being with her while she drops off, but she needs to take it seriously or I start to feel like a mug.

Blossom28 · 13/10/2019 00:42

Just put her in bed with you, ignore ‘bedtime’ and chill out. Imagine if you didn’t want to be alone in bed but your husband refused to lie there with you, and imagine being forced to bed when you are not tired. It’s just pointless.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 13/10/2019 00:59

I know it's a long shot but this episode of Hello Kitty is about Hello Kitty and her sister learning to go to sleep by themselves, I'm sharing it in case showing it to your DD might help at all. She seems like the right age for it:

katewhinesalot · 13/10/2019 08:35

Read a book with one of those book torches that attach to your book, lie with her but don't interact or make eye contact more than a couple of "it's sleep time". She can do her own thing but with absolutely no interaction even if she is playing up, beyond "i'm not talking to you because it's bedtime" all said in a quiet calm voice, even if you are screaming inside. Do not show your frustration. And I'd take any interesting toys out of her room and make it quite boring.

If you are boring and the room is boring it will help. And reading a book is relaxation for you.

Original poster
QueenoftheDay · 13/10/2019 23:53

I sat with her from 8 till 11 tonight. She went over at 11.

What will happen if I take her to the doctor? What will they do?

OP posts:
Dieu · 14/10/2019 07:04

What would happen if you said 'no' and left her to it? I do sympathise, but sitting with her for 3 hours is beyond the pale.

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